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IVF and Depression


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#26 angel70

Posted 19 October 2010 - 10:09 AM

hang in there wondercat - you're definitely not alone! rolleyes.gif

We ended up not needing IVF the second time around, this bub was naturally conceived and we consider this to be a bit of a miracle in itself. I'm trying to stay positive here - I know there's going to be all hell breaking loose when No 2 turns up at a number of points but, we'll find our way through it - heck we did with the first one, so we can with the 2nd. At least that's what I tell myself. And many others have been through it before, so surely we can also manage?  Don't think I'm not worried about how DD will react, she's such a Mummy's girl.  Well, we'll see if I end up with my 3rd bout of depression!  We can only move forward in life, there is no going back so I guess I'l find out  original.gif

Wishing you and DH all the best.  Good on you for taking the first steps to getting better - they are often the hardest. bbighug.gif

#27 mhg

Posted 19 October 2010 - 11:48 AM

QUOTE (senecio @ 18/10/2010, 06:34 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This post is very topical for me. We've just had an unsuccessful 5th cycle and it's been my hardest cycle so far. I can't stop crying. Whenever I'm alone the tears come out (and often when I'm not alone too). I've been like this for days. I've seen a counsellor before but she didn't help me at all. I'm trying a different one next week.

I was a normal person before this.


You ARE still normal ..... it does take time, and it does get harder each time, BUT you get through it.  I truly hope the counsellor helps you through this.
{{{hugs}}}
Your post has made me realise that I am not normal too original.gif - I get teary too, in a crowd, in a meeting, anywhere ..... but you get better ..

#28 Spaniel

Posted 19 October 2010 - 04:24 PM

Prue, thank you for writing about depression and IVF/infertility and providing space for others to share their stories. Although I assumed that depression was fairly common among people seeking fertility treatment it really isn't something that it talked about.
I have suffered from bouts of depression since our initial infertility diagnosis 8+ years ago . It took me a while to realise that I actually needed help and couldn't just pull myself together. The moment of truth for me was standing on a bridge over the freeway and thinking that it would be much easier just to go over the railings that to drag this black cloud around with me. I told my GP who was fantastic. He found me a good psychiatrist and psychologist (the fert clinic were absolutely hopeless with emotional/psych support). I have taken Lovan (Prozac) for 5 years now and have therapy when I feel that I need it. Although my moods are fairly stable I still have unexpected reactions to news of pregnancy etc...I have to work hard at controlling the 'black dog' and not getting swamped. Some things that have helped me are Lovan (I am never coming off those pills!), regular counselling and then top ups when I need it, basic yoga stretches in the morning, and meditation in the evening (free guided meditations from www.themeditationpodcast.com), giving up the idea that anybody who hasn't been through this will understand (even though they might love and care for you). I'm still a bit of a basket-case but less so with these interventions.

#29 andyk

Posted 21 October 2010 - 09:57 AM

We only did 3 rounds of IVF (ending in 2 miscarriages) before we decided to stop trying.  I still have long crying jags when no-one is around and some days I completely want try again just in case this is the cycle that could work.  

The fertility counsellor was next to useless and I have sought other alternatives.  The counsellor I see now is wonderful but I am also about to take the next step to meds because the grieving over the lost pregnancies mixed with the grieving over never going to be a mother is unrelenting.  I really thought I was strong enough to be able to pull myself together but it's over a year since the last miscarriage and while I look ok on the outside, I am far from ok on the inside.

I was a normal person before infertility and I so wish I could get that person back but it is never going to happen.  That person was happy and optimistic, the person I am now is a faker.

Hopefully the meds and counselling will make it easier to face the next big hurdle which is hysterectomy.  It's needed but I am just not able to face the finality that it means.



#30 ~Panda~

Posted 22 October 2010 - 08:14 AM

QUOTE
the grieving over the lost pregnancies mixed with the grieving over never going to be a mother is unrelenting. I really thought I was strong enough to be able to pull myself together but it's over a year since the last miscarriage and while I look ok on the outside, I am far from ok on the inside.

I was a normal person before infertility and I so wish I could get that person back but it is never going to happen. That person was happy and optimistic, the person I am now is a faker.


andyk - you wrote exactly what I am feeling. Exactly. Gosh, I wish there was a magic word to make us all feel normal again. My dad will say stupid stuff like "oh well, it's not the end of the world" and while it may not be, it feels like it is for me. He can't understand because my mum and him fell pregnant so quickly and trouble free. I hope you don't mind me asking, but did they find a reason as to why you have those m/c's? I have lost 6 now and some days I only just barely function. I did, however, find a reason why I am losing the babies. Trust the FS to tell me that it is one of the hardest things to 'fix'.

Edited by ~Panda~, 22 October 2010 - 08:15 AM.


#31 andyk

Posted 22 October 2010 - 10:41 AM

panda, let me start off by saying I think you are amazing.  I can't begin to imagine losing 6 and my heart goes out to you.  I really hope your F/S can fix the reason for you.  

It is amazing what people/family will say to you, my father thinks we should have known better and should never have tried at all.  (I have a long history of endo, fybroids, adhesions, PID, etc etc)

We were promised testing but it never happened and we didn't follow up.  We changed F/S after the 3rd cycle and he encouraged us to try again but we couldn't.  DH and I had had a handshake agreement that we would only try 3 times.  We went on holiday and had many long discussions about a 4th cycle with the new F/S but we decided against it for many reasons.  I was nearly 40 (DH is 6 years younger), we could see the damage it had done to both of us and we had the agreement.  We decided that if we did a 4th, where would we stop?

Whilst I rue this decision every other day, I really had to consider DH too.  Not only I am not "normal" anymore neither is he.  His devastation at the losses, his anger at not being able to protect me and make it all ok, and his inability to give me the one thing we want most in the world has affected him profoundly.

So I guess for the me the topic of IVF and depression relates to our partners too.




#32 mish-p

Posted 22 October 2010 - 04:46 PM

Panda and andyk (and all the other women on this post and elsewhere who are dealing with infertility) - you are incredible and so brave, and I wish I could wave a magic wand for all women in this terrible situation to give you the child you so deserve.

People who haven't been through infertility can't possibly imagine the awful ache that comes with grieving for a future child that may never be, and whilst they don't mean to hurt with their comments, they inevitably do. All that really needs to be said is something along the lines that a good friend once said to me - "that must be so hard" - such simple words, yet the only acknowledgment I received at the time that what I was going through was every bit as awful as it felt.

I have a good friend going through it at the moment, and her family has been so insensitive. I recently told her to tell them to call me, so I can give them a reality check on what she's going through.

So I say to you - it truly IS painful, unfair, and unbearable - and you absolutely have every reason to feel the way you do. You will always have my empathy and understanding, for what that's worth.

#33 ~Panda~

Posted 22 October 2010 - 06:42 PM

andyk - Thank you original.gif  Our DH's sound very similar as my DH hates the fact he can't protect me AND give me what I want (a baby). Your dad's comment was very silly. When someone has fertility issues, the first thing you want to do is get help and try! My dad barely acknowledges what I go through unless he says something insensitive. When I told my SIL recently about my 6th lose she said automatically "so where to next". No "I'm so sorry" or anything. I hope you do not mind me asking, but did/have you considered surrogacy? I hope I am not coming across rude for asking. DH and I started talking seriously about it last night after watching a TV program on it. My heart goes out to you and anyone that suffers like we do. You and your DH seem like you have a lot of love and respect for each other. I think that is truly wonderful.
QUOTE
People who haven't been through infertility can't possibly imagine the awful ache that comes with grieving for a future child that may never be, and whilst they don't mean to hurt with their comments, they inevitably do. All that really needs to be said is something along the lines that a good friend once said to me - "that must be so hard" - such simple words, yet the only acknowledgment I received at the time that what I was going through was every bit as awful as it felt.


I completely agree. So many people act like I am just suffering from the cold or hay fever. I really wish people were more aware of the hardships we face. I have started a blog and when I am up to date with it I am going to share it with people who know about our journey yet have been insensitive.






#34 andyk

Posted 26 October 2010 - 09:26 AM

Lovely post mish-p, thank you.

Panda, there is no question you can't ask. We have discussed surrogacy but it was not the right solution for us.  I struggle with the fact that someone could have "our" baby and just hand it over to me.  I know this is because I have never had a child and is my own issue.  

DH feels he would want someone we know to carry the baby for us and we have no-one in a position who could do this.  My sister would but she has had 3 c-sections and pregnancy doesn't treat her well, my SIL has offered but she is young, single and has no children of her own.  We told her no, because we would never forgive ourselves if something went wrong and she had a baby for us and then was unable to have one of her own. Our lovely friends are still having their own children and circumstances just aren't right. There are too many variables with surrogacy that did not seem right for us.

I know it is a solution and it does work (brilliantly and happily) for many people, it just wasn't right for us.

#35 auntyuz

Posted 29 October 2010 - 03:45 PM

Prue, thank you so much for raising the issue of depression and IVF.  The glossy brochures and websites for fertility clinics skim over the emotional and psychiatric implications of their treatments.

I met DH 4 years ago and on our first proper date, he told me he didn't want children.  Later I found out that his first wife had committed suicide after their first mc following IVF, leaving him to care for her children from 2 previous relationships (18mths and 5).  DH is now 49 and I am 41.  I reassured him that IVF was not for me, but would welcome children if able.  I have looked after other people's children all my working life and for me, having a loving relationship with a life partner was far more important.

At the age of 40 after 2 years of not even missing AF once, I wanted to be checked out, worried more about entering perimenopause than anything else.  So along we went to a FS.  We explained that we didn't want IVF and why, just some investigations.  FS gave his condolences and proceded to say 3 times that if we really wanted a baby then IVF was the only way to guarantee this at our age!!  No suggestion of counselling.  I have tried in the past, but DH is resistent and I hoped that a specialist may have more influence.  I think what it really boiled down to is that we both aren't into beginning the process.  I couldn't even bring myself to start tracking (with a 150km round trip for tests etc) worried that once on the roller coaster, it's hard to get off.

IVF has lasting effects on both partners and recognition of, and discussion about, the mental and emotional effects is long overdue.

Edited by auntyuz, 29 October 2010 - 03:46 PM.


#36 lynne187

Posted 05 November 2010 - 03:15 PM

How anyone stays sane going through repeated egg collections etc Is a wonder, especially when your specialist says that Its time to come to terms with the iea of not  being a mum, I gave up and then on the last frozen embryo transfer it happened.. that was two years ago, forgetting how hard that road is I thought 'lets try again' same senario and same feelings of utter dispair, giving up and then just goint through the motions to give the last frozen embro's a chance..

Here is go again, 5 weeks pregnant and hoping all goes well. It is easy to give up hope especially when even your specialist seems to have done so but miracle's can happen and sometimes they do. rolleyes.gif

#37 mauvethesquirrel

Posted 09 November 2010 - 11:15 AM

these replies make me realise that my story just isnt that bad - though everyone has thier own pain......

Prue - i just wanted to ask what meds you were on?  everyone keeps telling me that i cant be on AD's and IVF at the same time.
So in the meantime i just spend all my energy getting out bed every morning and acting to the world that i am fine.  I am not suicidal - just desperately depressed.  DH just cant respond at all - so much of the energy i spend is hiding my depression from him........ he has had a lovely blessed life and depression is for the weak minded......his family is the same.........

TTC for 2 years - serious issues with Fibroids - 4 surgeries later..........IVF in Jan.......
I just want to feel ok again........ and a shimmer of "it will all be ok" happy feeling would be great too thanks.....



#38 sainter35

Posted 10 November 2010 - 02:13 PM

Mauve, I just wanted to quickly say I'm feeling like you do - I wake up wishing I could go back to sleep because at least while I'm dead to the world my fertility issues don't matter. I spend a lot of energy trying to think positively and pretend I'm okay and yes, hiding my depression from my DP. He's SO incredibly supportive of me, but I know this is hard on him too so I feel like I don't want to remind him of our problems.

And like you, I've got fibroid issues - I had a lap just a couple of weeks ago which revealed a fibroid blocking one of my tubes. So my RE said IVF is our best chance. We'll probably be starting next year, so feel free to PM me as you go through your experience because it'd be nice having a buddy to go through it with.

And yes, I just want to feel okay again too. I really don't like the person I've become. I'm obsessed with TTC. If my BBT chart looks pretty I stare at it for hours thinking it's going to be a BFP chart, only to be let down. If I see a pregnant woman on the street I feel pangs of envy and jealousy even though for all I know it may have taken her many excruciating surgeries and 5 rounds of IVF just to get that pregnancy. And I'm incredibly sad. With every cycle and with every period I get, I just feel utterly utterly empty. And very alone.

#39 AJulemont

Posted 03 November 2014 - 10:52 AM

I feel depressed today after first round of IVF not working. After 3 years of TTC, Im just over it….feels like a never-ending journey. Im tired of being in limbo, being resilient. And to be honest, I just feel like a big fat loser right now. I know its irrational, but its true.




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