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The miracle of science
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Posted 05 November 2010 - 03:39 PM
When I was first asked to write this blog, I hoped by some miracle, it would jinx me into becoming pregnant. It worked for so many other bloggers - especially those who decided to be "out" about their experiences and not write under a pseudonym.
Never in my wildest dreams did I actually think it would happen to me, but dear readers, I am thrilled to tell you, it did.
I am pregnant.
But the readers of this blog have only read a small portion of what it took to get here. Reading the few entries might suggest to some readers that I am one of those who got lucky first time, but I was blogging about my sub-fertility long before Essential Baby asked me to do it for realz.
So there you go. I am pregnant. I can't belive I am writing those three words. I can still hardly bring myself to say it because it seems so unreal. If it wasn't for my obvious bump, my massive boobs, the constant headache and the lack of interest in champagne, I wouldn't believe it.
But it's true. I have not one, but two little fetuses (fetii??) squriming around inside - sucking their thumbs, kicking, waving and generally having a party in my abdomen. It's really cool.
But at the same time, I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo land. I was comfortable in my infertility. I
didn't like it, but I knew a lot about it, there was always something to read, and it was kind of like being
part of a club, albeit one nobody wanted to be a member of. But now I am just one of the flock.
I'm not even special at the hospital where I am treated like any other pregnant woman. But I'm not. I look around at all the other women there - and of course I don't know if they had fertility treatment or not - and I want to stand at the front of the clinic and tell them just how long and hard the road was for me to get to be there with them. Of course I don't, and I sit there and blog about it instead on my iPhone.
I don't feel the sense of closure, or satisfaction, or completion that I thought I would feel if I ever got pregnant. I don't love my fetii - to be honest, I don't even think about them very much. Maybe I even resent them a little for being so sick in the early weeks. I didn't cry when I got the good news from the clinic, or when I saw the first ultrasound either, and I worry that years of disappointment has conditioned me to feel nothing, when I should feel amazing and maternal, or at least grateful.
But I am glad, and happy, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Posted 05 November 2010 - 03:52 PM
Woohooo! Fabulous news.
As someone about to start on the IVF journey, reading about the long years of fruitless effort is quite scary. Love a happy ending!
Posted 05 November 2010 - 04:22 PM
Congratulations!!! I can relate to what you've written (IVF-er, baby due in a few days time). Wishing you a very smooth ride over the coming months until the birth of your little ones.
Posted 05 November 2010 - 06:52 PM
Wow! That is wonderful to hear. I have been reading your posts each time.
Wishing you all the best!
Posted 05 November 2010 - 06:56 PM
Congratulations and best wishes! I remember those feelings
Posted 05 November 2010 - 06:57 PM
That is truly wonderful - so pleased for you!
Don't pressure yourself by second guessing your reactions and feelings, you feel how you feel IYKWIM?
Posted 05 November 2010 - 07:03 PM
Congratulations! I have been following your journey, so glad you got there.
I think it is pretty common to feel that way. It is hard to absorb and despite the physical signs the babies themselves seem a bit abstract. Also, I think sometimes you hold something back just in case something goes wrong.
The minute you look into your new babies' eyes you'll fall in love.
Posted 05 November 2010 - 08:08 PM
I read your post a few hours ago. I'm not a big poster but I felt compelled to come back and offer you some unasked for advice.
Like so many others, my journey to having my first son was not an easy one.
Due to previous disappointments and worries, I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy like others seemed to. Yes I was thrilled to be pregnant, and pleased to reach each milestone but it was almost mechanical and a bit unreal.
And then I just accepted the general wisdom that when my baby was born, I would fall in love with him
And I didn't.
Don't get me wrong - I would have given my life for him, but it was more of a gut reaction that a heart reaction, if that makes sense.
But I carried on and did all the "right" things in terms of breastfeeding, settling etc.
And then one day when he was about four weeks old, it happened. I was home alone at night with him and I just felt this most amazing love well up inside me. It was like I realised that he was mine, and I was his and we were meant to be.
He is now eight and has two younger brothers and my heart just swells when I look at them. (especially if they're asleep!)
So I think what I am trying to say is that people bond with their children in different ways and while I think it is expected that we fall in love with our children during pregnancy or at their birth, that's not how it happens to everyone.
I am absolutely certain that you are doing everything in your power to give your babies the best life they can have - and if you fake it til you make it - you will make it.
All the best for you and your growing family.
Posted 06 November 2010 - 04:31 AM
edit: double post
Edited by courtney-b, 06 November 2010 - 04:36 AM.
Posted 06 November 2010 - 04:35 AM
I am not a huge poster either, but I have followed your blog and it has taught me a lot about infertility. My mother has five sisters and three of them were unable to have children, it took her five years to have me and eight to have my brother, a similar story for one other sister too. Having PCO and a hugely irregular cycle I had set myself up in my mind that it was going to take years and years and years for me to fall pregnant. So DH and I decided that we wanted to have a baby in a couple of years and that it was as good a time as any to just 'see what happened'. I had the next few years mapped out and what do you know, three weeks later I was pregnant. It took a long time for me to bond to the idea that I was having a baby even though we wanted it so badly. I had set myself up for all of the emotions my mum spoke about in her journey and it almost felt as if I got there too easily or that it wasn't actually happening. I went through most of my pregnancy like this and didn't really attach to the idea that we were actually having a baby. I spoke about it and spoke about the excitement but they were just words and I wasn't really feeling it if you know what I mean. I think I was just saying what I thought I was meant to be feeling.
I had a horrible labour and birth (but who didn't?) and DS got a bit squashed on the way out and had a massive headache which put him in the nursery for the first 24 hours. I was so delirious I don't even remember being hugely concerned, probably to do with the fact that the doctors etc were very reassuring. Even the first week of having him I had this massive urge to protect and nurture him but I am not sure that there was this overwhelming love that everyone talks about the moment they set eyes on their purple, slimy bundle of joy. I remember distinctly when he was ten days old sitting and feeding him at night and touching his little ear and putting my finger in his little hand and having tears suddenly running down my cheeks because I was overcome by the most intense love for this little person. I still look at him now (he is 10mths) as he is smiling and squealing and hurtling towards me because he is so excited to see me even though I have been gone 30 seconds to go to the bathroom and am just so amazed at the enormity of my capacity to love him which just seems to keep growing and growing.
I envy you that first wave of realisation, it is so special. Remember, you are not attaching your feelings to an actual person yet as you haven't met them so it is natural for your feelings to not necessarily be as clear or strong as you had imagined and appear to be mechanical. There will come a time when you will meet your two precious children and something will click. Welcome to the 'other side'.
Posted 07 November 2010 - 06:35 AM
I have been following you blog as a bit of an imposter but with tears in my eyes (damn pregnancy hormones) I felt compelled to respond to this entry. Firstly congratulations! You were my announcer in the old BB07 buddy group and I have been hoping for news like this from you for at least 3 years now so this post has absolutely made my day, week, month!
Secondly, without the infertility factor thrown in, I remember having similar feelings to you when pregnant with my first. I would go along to ultrasounds, I would feel DD wriggling around in there, my brain knew I was pregnant and yet I could not correlate that picture on the u/s screen to that little person actually being inside me. It felt like I was watching a tv rather than a monitor. It all felt so unreal that even while in the last stages of giving birth if the on had turned around and said "actually we made a big mistake, there's no baby in there after all " I would have believed her.
After the birth, DD was taken to the nursery to be monitored overnight and her O2 stats were a bit low and I honestly didn't care, I was so exhausted I felt like I was drunk and I was more than happy for someone else to look after her as I felt that I would have been no good to her anyway as I'd never been so tired in my entire life.
But, the next day, I wanted my baby. Now. I didn't want to have to walk down the corridor to visit her, I wanted her in my room next to me so I could hear her if she cried and I could sooth her, feed her, change her and be her mummy.
That's when the love hit me fair between the eyes. This feeling I'd been expecting to start my whole pregnancy, this was what it was supposed to feel like.
DD is now just gone 2 1/2 and some days I'd gladly sell her off to a band of traveling gypsys but these are the times when she'll go and do something ridiculously cute, or come up to me and kiss my cheek and tell me "I love you mummy" for no reason and then my heart melts and I fall in love with her all over again!
Now I'm newly pregnant with #2 and am just getting over a feeling of impending doom regarding the pregnancy and beginning to think we may actually have another little baby in 8-9 months time.
Wishing you all the very best of health for you and your precious cargo, hoping the sickness settles down to allow you to enjoy your pregnancy and relish this special time with your partner. Looking forward to hearing of your continued journey into motherhood!
Posted 07 November 2010 - 07:01 AM
Congratulations Prue!! I'm sure in time those feelings of love will come but for now enjoy the happiness you can feel about being pregnant! You have given loads of women hope that it can happen...and I'm one of those. Though my journey is nowhere near as long as yours, this 2nd cycle of IVF is hitting me harder than the last because I just feel like this one won't work because the last one didn't. I imagine that if it does I will feel similar to you...happy but wondering how/why it worked now and in shock that an actual living baby is growing inside me.
All the best for an uneventful pregnancy and I hope you are not leaving us and keep blogging!!!
Posted 07 November 2010 - 09:50 AM
congrats! i have been hoping it would happen for you soon.
Posted 07 November 2010 - 05:12 PM
Great news - congratulations, and enjoy the ride
The big gap between this and The Regime did have me wondering, and hoping for you. All the best with the babies.
Posted 07 November 2010 - 05:21 PM
Congratulations Prue! Twins!!! I take it they are ID considering your previous twin post? Hope all goes smoothly - it will take a long time to believe - I still find it hard sometimes and mine turn one next week!!
Posted 07 November 2010 - 05:22 PM
Oh wow!! Double congratulations!
I hope the rest if your pregnancy journey is healthy and boring... And before you know it you'll be holding those two
precious little souls, and wondering how you ever lived without them.
Posted 07 November 2010 - 05:38 PM
Congrats x 2
I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and birth, and happy, healthy children.
I think you are just trying to protect yourself, feelings wise. Perfectly natural.
Absolutely best of luck
How is DH taking the twin news?
Posted 07 November 2010 - 05:44 PM
Congratulations Prue! Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pg. Twins are hard work, but a joy which I am sure you will welcome with open arms after your journey to get where you are.
TBH, after also going through IVF to conceive, it wasn't until they were actually born that I believed that the babies that were actually mine. I always expected to wake one morning while I was pg to find I was just dreaming.
All the best,
Posted 08 November 2010 - 05:46 AM
Thanks for the lovely responses everyone. It's very unreal.
Silver Rain of course I remember you! Congratulations on your pregnancy! Buddy Groups become very difficult when you are the single leftover who still isn't pregnant. And then others get pregnant again. And again. And it just becomes less and less relevant. So I no longer do the BG thang.
I take it they are ID considering your previous twin post?
Steggles I have a confession. Despite being so sure I would never do a double embryo transfer, I did. It wasn't my intention, and I had only signed for one, but when I went in for the transfer, the embryologist told me they had prepped two. When FS came in, he asked me if I wanted to freeze the extra one, but after being told it was a perfect, hatching 5 day blastocyst (like all the others that never worked) I thought why not. Of course I never expected one to work, let alone both of them... So I am a hypocrite of the highest order.
Witty Kitty DH is about the calmest, most pragmatic and sensible guy you could ever meet. He is so laid back about the whole thing. He just gets online, studies twin prams and nursery options, and gets me my sick bowl when I need it. "It will be good" is his maximum level of excitement. We complement each other perfectly
Posted 08 November 2010 - 08:41 AM
Congratulations, I have read with anticipation, amazement, sadness and respect your journey. You have a wonderfully honest intelligent way of writing that draws people in. Thank you for your honesty in your struggle. I am so thrilled for you that your wait is finally over. Good luck for the rest of the pregnancy cant wait to read all about it.
Posted 08 November 2010 - 08:54 AM
Congratulations Prue, your partner and your babies. You are a very strong and brave woman to have continued on this journey and even more so for being so honest about it.
In terms of what you are feeling, just allow yourself to feel what you feel. Having been let down with my first pregnancy, I understand the feeling of detachment as a way of trying to protect ourselves from what we have been conditioned to accept. It's not about not being grateful for what we have and what we have wanted for so long but it is really about self preservation.
I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy. I hope over time the feelings of detachment will lessen and you can enjoy more moments of your pregnancy each day.
Posted 08 November 2010 - 08:59 AM
Congratulations! That is such wonderful news!! Having followed your blog for some time, and having been down the infertility, IVF and now mum paths I came out in goosebumps when I read the teaser for your article on the homepage.
Posted 08 November 2010 - 11:17 AM
Congratulations Prue, everyone in the EB office is thrilled for you.
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