An IVF Forgetter
Why I can't enjoy being pregnant
, Nov 28 2010 11:30 AM
215 replies to this topic
Posted 11 December 2010 - 09:30 PM
This kind of comment is akin to IVFers/ long time TTCers/ misscarriage sufferers being told by others who have never experienced those feelings that it's horrible and shocking to think or say that they can't bear seeing other pregnant women or can't face seeing their friends & familiy's babies. It's demonstrating a lack of understanding which is unhelpful and serves to further demoralise the people experiencing those feelings.
IVFers: yep. been there
long time TTCers: yep: since 1999
misscarriage sufferers: yep: 4 heartbreaking losses
others who have never experienced those feelings: I can guarantee you that I have experienced the whole 360deg of feelings associated...
Maybe you're right, though. I don't understand how you can yearn for children so, so badly for so, so many years and finally achieving it and not wanting it anymore. I just don't get it.
Posted 12 December 2010 - 07:24 AM
Paula it's one thing not to understand it, I get that, but to then throw that shock response in the face of the sufferer when you would be devastated by a similar attitude toward your feelings around your journey is hypocricy. I would never deny you the right to your feelings, they are valid. Please don't deny the feelings of others who's path has diverged from yours, their feelings are valid too.
Posted 13 December 2010 - 10:01 AM
I am speechless!
I'm hoping that that didn't come accross the way you had intended, because it sounds pretty horrible from here...
.. do you know how hard it was for me to finally say all the things I felt, how much i have been tearing myself apart for even having the feelings i have.. to finally speak up in a place i thought it was safe to do so. Do you have any idea how horrible i feel, even having those thoughts? I dont think so. Im not angry at you or your response, but I am definitely feeling bad about it.
Im sorry your journey was a hard one.. i feel for anyone that has had a long and heartbreaking journey TTC, but that doesnt give you the right to make me feel, and others who might have had the courage to speak up about their depression and anxiety during pregnancy like they are horrible people.
Finally after reading Prue's blog, and being able to say those things I felt like I was moving forward, I felt a bit more positive about it, and that I could cope, and find a way through this becuase people do understand..
And then I read your response.. and again feel like a horrible person. I AM terrified.. i want to be a wonderful mother, a wonderful wife, i want more than anything to feel everything i felt towards motherhood and pregancy i felt in the journey leading up to this.. I still dont understand how i got to this place.. and im hoping it gets better..
Paulagirl I am envious that you never had the fears that I have, and maybe thats why you dont understand. Please think about the way you respond to others forum posts, becuase your words are powerful and I can personally say have set me back.
To the others who reponded, thankyou for your support and understanding.
I wont be writing anything further in this thread.
Posted 13 December 2010 - 10:22 AM
Stop, breathe, relax.
everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. In fact someone told me that thats why women have 9 months of pregnancy, simply to get used to it. Your friend is right, its not unusual to feel a disconnectedness to the pregnancy, especially if you're not showing. I would frequently forget I was pregnant. And you are very early on, things will get more obvious as time progresses.
Its also not unusual not to feel the overwhelming love that you hear about when the baby is born. I certainly didnt feel that way. For a long time my eldest didnt even feel like my own child, but simply someone's child that I was looking after. The love grows, the feelings deepen with the emergence of their personality. (Once they start smiling at you you definitely get more bang for your buck!)
Finally you dont have to be a perfect mum or wife. Are you aiming to be a robotic stepford wife? God how awful would that be? not having your children grow up with the highs and lows of life, or be exposed to the full range of feelings, the laughter, tears and messiness of the real world... I can't imagine a more boring existence. So please relax. read up on things if it makes you feel better, but dont expect things to go by the book. Allow yourself to make mistakes and dont expect too much of yourself.
You will be the best wife and mother for your family. I promise.
Posted 13 December 2010 - 07:37 PM
lilsunniegirl, please try to be kind to yourself. What you've been through messes with your head, probably much more than you're aware of. In my darkest moments I worry that that I'll never be happy again, even if I do conceive again, even if i do have a baby one day. I'm sure that the experiences of infertility, IVF and multiple miscarriage do something to your brain - alter some neural pathways or something - making it really difficult to feel joy for a long time afterwards. I'm sure that you'll find this all changes once you've got your baby in your arms, if not immediately, then at some point in the not-too-distant future.
Like you, I often feel like a horrible person for my thoughts and feelings associated with my infertility. I understand you feeling that way, but you're not a horrible person. Neither of us are.
I can feel your pain in your post. Thankyou for your honesty. Please, just hang in there. It will pass - if not immediately, then one day.
Posted 14 December 2010 - 09:01 PM
I am 8weeks 4days pregnant and I completely understand how u feel! I was trying for over 3 years to fall pregnant and was actually in the process of IVF (had to stop due to a cyst sending my hormones sky high!) when I fell naturally.
I always looked at other pregnant woman with extreme jealousy and just wanted to hurt them when they complained, I promised myself I would never be like that! Well......8 weeks in and I feel like all I've done is complain...I am so not enjoying it yet! my emotions are all over the place, its like I'm Dr jekkyl & Mr Hyde....I'm not sure how my poor hubby has put up with me! not to mention the constant nausea..is it 2 much to ask that after years of trying that I should look and feel like a supermodel?
My sister has assured me my happy hormones will kick in soon enough, so hopefully I can look back on this time and laugh!
Posted 17 December 2010 - 02:39 PM
Hyperemesis is GROSE! I had it with both my pregnancies. So here is some advice and encouragement-
- ask your ob for Ondansetron, its v expensive but leaves crappy old maxalon and stemetel for dust
- if you are still v bad your ob may consider putting you on a course of steroids, you have to be very careful taking them, but they REALLY work!! The ob will see this as a last resort and there are side effects (for you, not the bubba).
- be kind to yourself and rest rest rest sleep the next nine months away if you must (I found this very hard 2nd time round with a toddler to look after!)
- it will be over and it is definitely worth it, I literally vomitted minimum 5 times every day for 9 months and remember standing in the driveway vomiting and wetting myself at the same time, but when they handed me those beautiful bubbas of mine, I was ready to go back
CONGRATULATIONS by the way!
Posted 19 December 2010 - 01:00 PM
Can I just say, it is all hard. Infertility is hard. Pregnancy is hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Motherhood is hard.... It is all just extremely difficult all of the time...in my experience.... which is not to say that it isn't worthy and meaningful and profound. To deny that fundamental ambivalence is to not understand the nature of life.....
Posted 28 December 2010 - 12:52 PM
I just read your post. I just had to respond! Ive experienced Hyperemesis 5 times! It was awful. I vomited everyday for 9months and it was not until I was holding my precious bub in my arms that I felt normal again! Have you heard of zofran? its the only med that made any difference for me - its expensive but its worth it!
I really hope it lets up for you before the end.
Big hugs to you, you have to experience HG to 'get it'! how awful it really is.xxx
Posted 29 December 2010 - 10:10 PM
In all seriousness, I just hate the word "Forgetter". What a joke!!! I think it belittles every one who has been a long term TTC'r.
Posted 30 December 2010 - 07:54 PM
I also had severe morning sickness. I was not hospitalised but was close to getting there.
Can I just say, a woman who has not experienced severe morning sickness cannot even begin to comprehend how hard it is. Physically and emotionally. That was the worst two months of my life. I have never been so sick for so long before. There is no cure other than "it will get better by the 2nd trimester".
There was one vivid moment during my pregnancy that I wanted to die because the morning sickness got so bad. I didn't care about the baby then, I was beyond caring. Years ago I saw a news documentary about a woman who aborted her baby because of severe morning sickness. I was critical of that woman because my instinct was to judge, "how can you get rid of your own baby over morning sickness? You KNOW it's going to be over soon." After going through it myself, although I still do not condone abortion, I can much better understand that woman.
Posted 28 January 2011 - 08:41 PM
Thank you for writing this Prue, I am currently pg from IVF & have been diagnosed with HG & at times have thought those same things - that I wish I didn't , I've made a mistake & on & on. I have felt so much guilt about those feelings. I thought I would appreciate every moment of pregnancy if I ever got that lucky & would never complain. From reading this though I feel a bit less alone now.
Posted 12 February 2011 - 07:30 PM
In all seriousness, I just hate the word "Forgetter". What a joke!!! I think it belittles every one who has been a long term TTC'r.
When you have hg you forget about everything.You practically go insane
I have wanted to terminate and die myself.I t takes away any rational thought.
This is not a who has its harder comparison
All I know is hg is a serious crippling illness that affects you mentally and physically
Posted 16 February 2011 - 01:42 PM
Sorry Prue, You forgot to mention heartburn, Carpel Tuneel, bleeding gums, swollen feet and sore hips. I complain to any who is unfortunate to come too close just how much I dislike being pregnant and how I can't wait to have my body back. I am insanely jealous of those women who breeze through their pregnancies and glow! As this is my 3rd, it must be all worth it! And this is coming from somebody who also dislikes the newborn phase, I'd be much happy if I was handed a 6 month old at the hospital and from someone who has had Post Natal Depression! I am also a mother to an IVF baby whom we know refer to as "the science experiment"! If you can't find humour in it all we would go insane!
Just remind yourself like I do daily that you aren't dying and there is an end to it all soon. Thats when things become really hard!
Posted 26 April 2011 - 05:26 PM
You are totally entitled to your feelings Prue. I suffered dreadfully with hyperemises with my first pregnancy and worse with my second and then lost our precious baby at 5 months gestation after spending up to 20 hours a day vomiting. Unless you have been through hyperemises you can never truely understand how utterly debilitating it is and the complete hell you live through to carry your precious bundle!
There were many days I could have cried myself into oblivion if I had of had the tears left from the dehydration. No one prepares you for how difficult pregnancy can be! For some of us pregnancy is just sheer determination and will while other very fortunate ladies have the joy of enjoying the amazing wonder of pregnancy!!!
I count the blessing of my precious daughter (18months) every single day but I do not forget the months of being In hospital, the collapsed veins, pik line, medication and agony I went through to witness the wonder that she is! I count myself lucky to have been gifted with her....but I also allow myself the acknowledgement that I was one of the many women who live with enormous difficulty of enduring enormous torture to have her! Stay strong and speak your truth!
Posted 04 May 2011 - 09:06 AM
I can't believe anyone, let alone someone experiencing fertility issues themselves, would presume to tell you how you should think/feel/behave during your pregnancy. It is YOUR pregnancy and you can feel about it how you damn well please!
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