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An IVF Forgetter
Why I can't enjoy being pregnant


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#26 cinnabubble

Posted 28 November 2010 - 07:58 PM

Prue, you really are a great writer.

FWIW, I have two children. One conceived easily, one conceived after almost 18 months of trying. Both pregnancies were absolute sh*t. Absolute sh*t. Every minute. I wish I could have enjoyed spending time helplessly on my knees in front of varying public toilets, vomiting myself incontinent. I wish I could have enjoyed my decreasing ability to walk, and the various indignities that attend pregnancy. I truly admire those who can skip through pre-eclampsia as lightly as a field of daisies.

But suggesting that we should all enjoy pregnancy the way that a whipped Etonian spits out "please sir may I have another" while he's getting six of the best is a bridge too far.

#27 PinkSocks

Posted 28 November 2010 - 07:58 PM

I havent been threw IVF but it did take 18months to get pregnant with DD and 9 months with this one. I have learnt the hard way to not complain about anything. I even lost a 'friend' over it! Turns out you HAVE TO enjoy every bit of pregnancy because 'you CHOSE to get pregnant' God I hate people right now! (sorry rant over)

Its definately worth it, although you cant see that right now you will look back on this in a few months time and think it was nothing!

#28 meggie2

Posted 28 November 2010 - 07:58 PM

Hi Prue

Sorry pregnancy isn't treating you well.  

I'm still deep in IVF-land and have to admit to being irritated when people who know my story winge about pregnancy/breastfeeding/etc to me.  I think "you have the rest of the world to winge to about that, winge to me about Telstra, or your mum, or your boss, or whatever, and I'll have the strength to support you, but just stay off that topic for now".

It's worse when it's someone who you have supported through her own  difficulty to conceive, because shouldn't they understand how painful it is?

So while I think you have the right to complain, complaining to the infertile sector of your audience (who have given you a lot of support as far as I can see) is a bit hurtful.  I guess it can't be helped, and it's just one of those things.   Given this was originally a blog about AC (and initially specifically "marketed" to the AC boards) maybe a warning "pregnancy complaint ahead" so we can stay out if we are feeling fragile?

Best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

Edited by meggie2, 28 November 2010 - 08:03 PM.


#29 Fourteenyears

Posted 28 November 2010 - 08:10 PM

QUOTE
So while I think you have the right to complain, complaining to the infertile sector of your audience (who have given you a lot of support as far as I can see) is a bit hurtful.


I think this is a relevant postscript.  The pregnancy thing was dealt with last post when it was announced.  Between that and the title it shouldn't be hard to anticipate any post after that was going to touch on the mashup of emotion that is a pregnancy after infertility.

Perhaps Prue's words will free up somebody else, in the future, to reach out for help or support during a difficult pregnancy that they would otherwise feel a certain amount of pressure to just grin and suffer.

I think I remember Prue blogging that once somebody she was following got pregnant, she'd congratulate them and delete them from her blogroll.  That seems like sensible self preservation - an understandable response.  It makes more sense than hanging around to castigate them for continuing to blog honestly.

Edited by sassm, 28 November 2010 - 08:21 PM.


#30 iWonder

Posted 28 November 2010 - 08:22 PM

You can't help what you feel and you shouldn't have to change what you feel to appease other people. Likewise the posters commenting on their thoughts and feelings. All the best for the rest of your pregnancy. I know alot of people who didn't enjoy pregnancy and they weren't dealing with half of what you are dealing with at the moment.

#31 meggie2

Posted 28 November 2010 - 08:26 PM

QUOTE
Perhaps Prue's words will free up somebody else, in the future, to reach out for help or support during a difficult pregnancy that they would otherwise feel a certain amount of pressure to just grin and suffer


Just as we who are still struggling with infertility should be able to express how we feel about this issue rather than just "grin and suffer".  Or have Prue's original feelings
QUOTE
I know, because I used to hate on any pregnant woman who complained about morning sickness.
now become invalid?

QUOTE
I think I remember Prue blogging that once somebody she was following got pregnant, she'd congratulate them and delete them from her blogroll. That seems like sensible self preservation - an understandable response. It makes more sense than hanging around to castigate them for continuing to blog honestly


Why should we infertiles go away?  I for one am interested in the rest of the story.  I didn't castigate her.  I said that it couldn't be helped, it was just one of those things, and asked for a heads up for those of us who might be feeling fragile.  Just as in all the AC board posts we put a warning for sensitive issues.

Edited by meggie2, 28 November 2010 - 08:32 PM.


#32 F.E.B.E

Posted 28 November 2010 - 08:28 PM

I think it's the rare woman who could endure years of heartbreak followed by months of debilitating illness (even with a baby on board!) and not want to shake a fist at the gods.

It's not fair at all. Thank you for continuing to share your story.

#33 Fourteenyears

Posted 28 November 2010 - 08:37 PM

QUOTE
Just as we who are still struggling with infertility should be able to express how we feel about this issue rather than just "grin and suffer now become invalid?


No - I think Prue's original feelings are a massive part of the point of the post.  Feelings are weird things.  You never know how you're going to respond to a situation until you're in it.  And sometimes the 'logical' and 'expected' feelings are not the ones that emerge and that can lead to guilt about feeling the 'wrong' thing.  

Everybody's feelings are valid here - the entire gamut of emotion being exhibited in this thread is legitimate.  The only real point of my posts here are to be supportive about the misery of hyperemesis (as it is viscerally incomprehensible to me that somebody could actually feel bad about feeling bad about it)  and to add my personal feelings about the value of this discussion.

#34 WittyKitty

Posted 28 November 2010 - 09:05 PM

'Show me one woman whose health was placed at risk or who died from not being able to conceive.'

OK.

Infertility is a medical condition.

There are underlying causes for infertility which can cause ill-health or death - uterine growths can become cancer, hypoproteinemia can cause brain tumors. Sometimes pregnancy is actually recommended to lessen the condition - so not conceiving is placing the woman's health at greater risk.

There are health risks from complications from drugs and operations for women- and some men- undergoing IVF.

And the diagnosis of infertility has the third highest rate of depression in patients after the diagnosis of a  terminal illness or cancer - depression is a health risk.

Women have died from infertility treatments. Others have killed themselves after being unable to conceive. In the past women were sometimes murdered for not being able to have children.


Prue, I understand that HG is very dangerous and miserable and I hope you pull through soon.

I believe anyone suffering has the right to complain, I just hope this doesn't turn into a thread trying to argue who has the greater right, that would be like comparing HIV to cancer - pointless.


#35 cheshire_cat

Posted 28 November 2010 - 09:11 PM

Prue, I appreciate the honesty of this blog entry and I can't begin to imagine how horrible hyperemesis must be.

A lot of the ensuing posts, however, have just left me feeling really sad and quite upset. Ladies, why this 'us and them' mentality?

As a continuing IVF-er, it's probably natural that my feelings in relation to this topic are a bit more in line with those of meggie, Jane05, Panda and others. I still can't help feeling I would go through almost anything to have a baby. Naive? Ignorant? Maybe.

I just feel really sad that infertile women are reading here and feeling we need to somehow defend or explain ourselves - although I know this was not Prue's intention.

Not sure what else to say really, just feeling a bit disappointed with where this has all gone.  sad.gif

#36 louise3now4

Posted 28 November 2010 - 10:00 PM

QUOTE (~Panda~ @ 28/11/2010, 08:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Louise, were you referring to me with your first post? Because I was not acting out from jealously, just sharing an experience as everyone else has!  huh.gif Just explaining why it would be different for me.  BTW, m/c has killed women also.

Hell no.
I read your blog some time ago. I think you are very brave.

This is not a competition as to what makes you sickest. And no one should be forced to bear their illness in silence. I realise that infertile women suffer from depression, but that is in all honesty very different to finding yourself trapped with a baby inside of you, unable to keep down a sip of water, not even able to swallow your own saliva without projectile vomiting it back up again 5 seconds later. Renal failure, hospitalisations, being told by your doctor that you have reached the point where the baby *no longer matters* because you are so critically ill. You don't choose those side effects any more than you choose to be infertile. And it doesn't always end in a healthy happy baby. And the damage done to the mothers body can have life long consequences.
I don't think it is fair for anyone to make a pregnant woman, no matter how she managed to get pregnant, feel bad when she wants to complain about that. Not one person should have to martyr themselves just because they are lucky enough to be pregnant, whilst others sadly are not.

#37 BeYOUtiful

Posted 28 November 2010 - 10:03 PM

I don't think it's naive Cheshire Cat, I too felt the same way.
With my PE I had swelling in my legs up past my knees.  The Ob originally told me a c/s would be dangerous due to clotting.  Then on the day J didn't look like coping any further in labour so he said we need to do Emergency c/s - DP was worried knowing my condition - I didn't hesitate and agreed to it - I too would do anything.

All the best OP, I hope you soon feel some relief from being sick original.gif   All the best for the rest of your pg.

#38 Seanj

Posted 28 November 2010 - 11:45 PM

Louise3now4 -PP have already detailed the medical facts which prove you were wrong in your infertility is no 'risk to health or life' assumption. But you only acknowledged depression. Oh, well.

edited to remove all but the direct response above.  after seeing Thegalwho try defend herself for days after her comment was taken out of context from a previous blog, I'm removing mine.

Edited by Seanj, 02 December 2010 - 01:47 AM.


#39 Sugaraddict

Posted 29 November 2010 - 03:37 AM

Dear Prue,
I just wanted to offer my sympathies. I had hyperemesis during both my pregnancies and it's a truly awful illness. I very much hope that it lifts for you soon, and that you go on to experience an uncomplicated labour and delivery and babies that are happy little eaters and sleepers. Wishing you all the best.

#40 prue~c

Posted 29 November 2010 - 07:31 AM

Thanks for the comments everyone. And thanks for caring about my feelings, but I am a journalist by trade - I'm pretty used to being lambasted for something I have written. What is it - third after real estate agents and solicitors on the most "untrustworthy" jobs list??

But the comments have certainly proved several points I have made, not only about this blog entry, but others I have previously written.

Firstly, thegalwho, I apologise if you feel I took your comment out of context. I don't know how else it could have been presented, given I was commenting on those exact words. Why should I have to enjoy being pregnant just because I have had IVF? I wish to the Gods I could, but I'm not enjoying it one bit. And I'm not going to be a martyr for the cause and pretend I am.

And sorry if my AC journey hasn't been long enough for you. For me, it seemed like aeons, and watching my friends build their families around me during those years was heartbreaking. I am so glad to be pregnant now, and despite my dislike of the condition, I wouldn't change a thing.

To the others who have commented that this blog should be "moved on" or someone else should take over, please understand that I write for a larger audience than the Essential Baby trying to conceive forums. The subtitle of this post was "why I can't enjoy being pregnant" Surely that is enough of a heads up as to the content?

Thanks again, and keep debating.  original.gif





#41 meteor

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:21 AM

Prue,
I think you should get some counselling now, or you will need it later when you get chronic PND - because I guarantee you will suffer with PND in a big way. Why do I think this? Because your head is so far up in the clouds that the big bump when you fall to earth when you are suffering chronic sleep deprivation, a non-stop screaming baby, and difficulty feeding will hit you very very hard. You have been dreaming, dreaming, hoping to gain a fanatasy blissful perfect baby. You are already feeling some of that reality biting - but you are still focussed on the "dream". There is no dream, it is a total fantasy and I wish to god someone would stop feeding us the dream. But you know, if we don't hold on to these misconceptions the human race might just die out!! I recommend you read "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolf or some other books that relate to this subject - and report back to us in the blog! Also, start reading a book like "Birth Skills" by Juju Sundin and Sarah Murdoch or you might find yourself with a disapointing birth too - based on your "dreams" not being fulfilled.
http://www.amazon.com/Misconceptions-Truth...d/dp/0385497458
http://www.judyoz.com/ccp0-prodshow/birth-...cover-book.html

#42 Divine MsM

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:21 AM

I'm going to put my hand up and say that this IVF frostie I've got on board has had to be the most unpleasant pregnancy so far and I'm struggling to manage it for so many reasons.

Prue, totally understand where you are coming from - it's hard to thank the powers-that-be when you are feeling ill all the time.  I hope your well-being improves as you go further along.

Now please excuse me while I stuff my face with food so that I don't feel sicker than I am..... quite an achievement when you have no appetite.

#43 thegalwho

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:40 AM

.

Edited by thegalwho, 05 December 2010 - 06:16 PM.


#44 Lifesgood

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:41 AM

Prue - I think Shooting Star is on the right track. These were my thoughts when I read your post. It is unlikely that your pregnancy is going to get much easier or more enjoyable, especially with twins competing for space in there. If and when the morning sickness/HG calms down, you are likely to get very uncomfortable and will have much difficulty sleeping, moving around and getting from one end of each day to the other. And that's before you consider all the increased and additional risks associated with a twin pregnancy and birth.

You need some techniques and tools (physical, emotional and intellectual) to help you get through this pregnancy, and then you will need a whole extra bagful to manage once your babies arrive.

Even with a dream singleton pregnancy and 'easy' newborn it is hard to become a parent, I know that you have a world of challenges ahead of you.

Seek help now, and by all means keep blogging about it because it is invaluable to you to articulate it all. It is good that you have a journalists thick skin, becauser these issues will inspire alot of mixed and heated responses, all of which are valid.

I wish you all the best with the rest of your journey to parenthood.

#45 Guest_ladybaba_*

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:41 AM

QUOTE (prue~c @ 29/11/2010, 08:31 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To the others who have commented that this blog should be "moved on" or someone else should take over, please understand that I write for a larger audience than the Essential Baby trying to conceive forums. The subtitle of this post was "why I can't enjoy being pregnant" Surely that is enough of a heads up as to the content?

Thanks again, and keep debating.  original.gif

I guess that was me (although not at all what I intended with my comment). I guess it was more of an Essential Baby question than Prue question. I am truly happy that you've progressed from an infertility blog as I hope any infertility blog will, but I guess I liked being 'represented' by a blog on EB. It felt a bit like having a voice I guess, when so many comments we make around the forum are belittled by people telling us to suck it up, be more positive and stop whinging (much in the same way you're expressing on this post I guess).

People who don't experience infertility don't read about it and certainly don't understand it. I enjoyed having your blog out there for that wider audience to read. I was curious if there was going to be a new version of that. I certainly didn't intend to suggest your blog move on or aside.

I hope your luck changes soon. Wishing you well.

#46 andyk

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:47 AM

QUOTE
I think sometimes that people[read bloggers and forum members] need to remember how much weight [read joy, pain, sadness] the typed word can carry, what may seem harmless to you may hurt someone else alot.


This.  

I am sorry that you are suffering but as an IVF'er who has finished treatment with no happy ending it's very hard to feel that sympathy. I don't mean that to sound harsh, it's just hard not to want what you have, terrible sickness and all.   I hope that makes sense.


#47 thegalwho

Posted 29 November 2010 - 08:54 AM

.

Edited by thegalwho, 05 December 2010 - 06:17 PM.


#48 Guest_~Sally_*

Posted 29 November 2010 - 09:01 AM

Shooting Star, she doesn't just have a bit of morning sickness and a bit uncomfortable like most pregnancies.  She is seriously ill.  She's been hospitalised.  I think that far from needing help, she is most definitely on the right track in acknowledging her feelings honestly.  This is her reality.  She's not just some whinger who expected to sail through and have the perfect pregnancy and baby.

Why is it so hard for some of you to support Prue through this instead of sinking the claws in?

Edited by ~Sally, 29 November 2010 - 09:04 AM.


#49 Guest_~Sally_*

Posted 29 November 2010 - 09:07 AM

QUOTE
I would take being sick for 9 months over yet another miscarriage any day. Seriously I would.


Of course, but would it mean that you would actually enjoy being seriously ill?  Prue very obviously loves the fact that she is pregnant, she just doesn't love the process.

Edited by ~Sally, 29 November 2010 - 09:08 AM.


#50 kpingitquiet

Posted 29 November 2010 - 09:09 AM

I just wanted to chime in and strongly disagree with a PP who said you will definitely head toward Post Natal Depression due to disliking pregnancy. I HATED...yes, H.A.T.E.D. being pregnant--the pain, exhaustion, needles, doctors, etc. Had a traumatic birth experience as well, followed by all sorts of crap involving baby's weight loss/gain. I managed to escape both PND and even so called "Baby Blues". Baby and I bonded within the first hour of her life and are tackling our hurdles together with her father.

It's parenthood, not a carnival! Not all women who have a rough time of it experience the awul thing that is PND. But, certainly, it is crucial to be gentle with yourself and accept help if/when you need it. I wish the best for the rest of your pregnancy and for when you reach that golden day that begins your life as a mom!




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