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I'd love another, but husband saying NO

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#1 marleyandme

Posted 08 December 2010 - 01:21 PM

Our DD is 3.5 and the result of a fresh transfer.  We have two frozen blasts remaining.  I'm super keen to try again and have been since DD was 2 but DH is sticking firm to NO - no more children.  I'm devastated by this as I was an only child for 13 years (my sister was then born as the result of IVF).  Whilst I've no longer any family left (due to car accident 12 years ago), it was such a marvelous thing to have had my sister for 12 years.  I'd love the opportunity to try for a sibling for my daughter but I just don't know how to convince DH.  I also find myself getting so extraordinarily emotional about it when I try to bring it up. I'm in tears before any words even come out.  He adores DD but doesn't want the financial burden (amongst other things) of another child.  I'll be 39 next year, so it's not something I can bide my time over.

Has anyone else faced this issue?  Did your partner ever come round?   DD has just started asking me for a baby brother (no idea where this idea came from) - I'm now telling her to ask her father instead.

Any advice appreciated.

#2 Tussycat

Posted 09 December 2010 - 09:55 AM


#3 marleyandme

Posted 09 December 2010 - 03:55 PM

Yes, I was a little stumped as to where to post this.  Thanks anyway.

#4 Tussycat

Posted 09 December 2010 - 06:16 PM


#5 Guest_domestically~challenged_*

Posted 09 December 2010 - 07:53 PM

No I think you posted in the perfect section - Parents Seeking Assisted Conception.

Perhaps the Parenting/Pregnancy after Trouble Conceiving section may be where the graduates are now hiding?

I'm not even going to begin to pretend to understand the pain and longing you are feeling as I ended up with twins from IVF.

I hope it works out for you hhugs.gif

#6 Lokum

Posted 09 December 2010 - 08:50 PM

I think this is the right section as well. The issue is complicated because there are frozen embryos.

My DH is saying he is happy only with DS, and we don't need any more kids, and DS is perfect so why bother, blah blah. DS is only 5 months old, so I am pretty confident he will get around to thinking another child is OK - we have agreed not to use contraception.

However, he has been MUCH more firm about saying he will not and cannot go through IVF again - mostly because of how much of a mess I was during AC and how tough it was.

For me, I am certain I want AT LEAST one more child, I expect to have to use AC again, and I CANNOT bear to think of my two frozen embryos being discarded. How could we just blithely accept natural conception, while ruling out transferring the two (potential) babies we already have on ice?

We're not nearly in the same difficult position as the OP, but I think subsequent children after AC is tricky for lots of couples.

OP - maybe your clinic's counsellor could help, even if it's just you, but better if you both attend. Surprisingly, we were more frank with each other at counselling than in private.

#7 emmsie78

Posted 10 December 2010 - 11:34 AM

In a bit of a similar position as about to have second IVF child but very keen on a third (though I know probably sounds greedy to be thinking of a third before second is even here & I know we are incredibly lucky to be in the position of even thinking about a third). Anyway - DH pretty certain he doesn't want a third - mostly as he is nervous about the whole IVF thing & what it does to my moods, our relationship etc. We have a couple of frosties left but I know my husband thinks if he says yes to transferring those that it will open the floodgates to doing a fresh cycle if the frosties dont work & he would be nervous about that. He thinks that I am very stubborn & would "never give up" if we did start trying for a third. Obviously it is a while away before we will have to definitely make a decision but I hear you OP on the time issue for you guys.

I have said to DH that my tolerance to continue with IVF if it took a long time would be much less than when trying for a first & a bit less than trying for a second - if you were very enthusiastic when trying for a first but could honestly say to DH that you would feel OK about stopping earlier if the second took a long time that might make him feel more comfortable trying for a second? I guess the guys know what they are in for second time around & it makes them not so keen to try! I'm also planning on having a bit more time where I am not breastfeeding or on hormones for IVF as it has been awhile since I've been hormone free & able to focus on my relationship. Anyway - sorry for rambling response & I guess I havent actually given you an answer - just where I am at too! Best of luck - I would choose a time he is relaxed & warn him in advance you want to have a serious chat about it rather than one where you are already in tears - easier said than done I know but sometimes a more rational disussion works best with my DH

HTH x Em

#8 dsl

Posted 10 December 2010 - 12:00 PM

My dh is saying no at the moment too, although dd is not quite 5 months yet!  His thinking is she is so perfect, and could not stand for us to face another loss etc.  I would love dd to have a sibling as I am so close to mine, but dh is not so close to his so doesn't place the same importance on it as I do.

#9 marleyandme

Posted 10 December 2010 - 08:59 PM

Hi Ladies,

thank you all so much for your replies. Moi mwah - I had actually come across that thread a while ago (and best of luck to you in conceiving number one).

That maternal urge a woman experiences is impossible to explain to a man.  Although I wouldn't consider the situation a deal breaker (as per that other thread) - I am aware already of the strain it's putting on me and making things slightly difficult relationship wise.  I've already spoken to my FS about possible counseling.  I guess I keep hoping that DH will come round.  But that's not exactly fair to him either since I've not had the courage to bring it up again.  That fear of having the whole conversation shot down again just makes me feel sick.  And he's certainly not going to raise the subject.

Even if DH agreed to give the two frozen ones a chance - I don't imagine he'd want to go through a fresh cycle if they didn't work.  And I didn't even have issues with the experience - somewhat teary a couple of times, but hey, I'm like that during a normal month - so it wasn't exactly anything out of the ordinary for him  wink.gif

Lokum - my DH says exactly the same thing.  DD is perfect, why take a chance when something could go wrong now that we're both older.  However this doesn't hold water for me when it comes to those two embryos - since they were taken at the same time as DD when I was 33.  And Emmsie78 - I certainly know where you are coming from.  I don't think the number is important - it's that feeling of having 'completed' your family.  I have a girlfriend that has undergone IVF and has one and she's more than done with just that little one.

God, I still recall when I started the IVF journey - just one healthy baby was the goal.  I guess I have to keep that in mind if number two doesn't eventuate and just know how fortunate I am (and I truly do know that - I regularly pinch myself looking at DD wondering how I got so lucky to have her).  I just can't imagine how to answer questions from her when she gets older and starts asking why she doesn't have a sibling (I remember asking my mum about this - but she was between husbands at the time - so the reason seemed a little more obvious to me even then).  Aargh, the things kids say huh.

And tonight DD has announced that she's a big girl and is ready to give up her dummy to the fairies (we told her ages ago that the fairies have to take them and fix them up to give them to a new baby) - so I'm feeling somewhat melancholy now about yet another 'baby' stage being over and done with.

I'm sooo coming back as a lesbian in my next life...men are so different sometimes  happy.gif

#10 *~lotusflower~*

Posted 13 December 2010 - 09:06 AM

Hi Marleyandme,

I'm not sure if my story will help at all?
We conceived DD naturally 7 years ago and both of us were 100% positive that we only wanted one. The last year has brought forward many ideas and discussions of TTC#2.
After much discussion and looking into fertility treatment, having our first meeting, we have decided to add to our family. This time we are ttc via IVF/ICSI in January.
DD has been asking for a little over a year now for a sibling and I really feel that this is right for all of us too.
My only advice would be don't leave it too long if you and DH are looking at moving forwards.
Although I like the large age gap, 5 years would have been perect for me.
I agree, when you have that longing inside you, all you can think about is babies ( i have it right now)
All the very best. Pls let us know the progress.
xxx rolleyes.gif

#11 marleyandme

Posted 10 February 2011 - 04:55 PM

Hi Mookie2003 - sorry not to respond sooner.  I only just checked this post again now.

Best of luck to you - love to hear how you go. X

I keep putting it off since I'm trying to find the 'perfect' time - which clearly doesn't exist in our lives - LOL.

I also wonder how we'd go with two kids in one room - and whilst I know that this isn't unusual in some households - and totally fine when kids are little - how does it go when they're teenagers (and of a different sex).  This is one thing that plays on mind - might seem stupid, but I can't comprehend having a 13 year old girl share with a 8 year old boy for example.  I can just imagine the fighting and loss of privacy (especially for the older child - I know how much I appreciated my own room growing up and whilst a teenager).  And with children staying home longer now - again, how would this work with an 18 year old girl and a 13 year old boy.

Yup - getting way ahead of myself here - but it's something that does concern me.  Any thoughts on this?

#12 newmum2one

Posted 11 April 2011 - 10:08 AM

Hi OP.
Thought I'd reply seeing as I 'am in a similar situation atm.  I have one DD aged 3.5yrs who was conceived via IVF/ICSI, we have one remaining frozen embryo & have been discussing when to TTC with that one for quite some time.  
The decision was finally made about 2 months ago but it has been nothing but a nightmare since we stepped foot into the clinic (I posted today about it actually in the general AC section).  Due to all the stress of it all my DH has now infact told me that he does not want another child at all, he tells me that he never really has but was only going to do it for me but now he is positve he doesn't.  
It is always about money, how is is worried that he can't possibly support the family on one income for another 5-6 years.  He doesn't want a second child going into daycare & feels that it would be unfair to do so as our DD doesn't iykwim.  He also feels that the age gap (would be almost 5 yrs between children) is too big for a sibling to be anything other than a hinderance to DD emotionally & financially.  He says that he would rather our one child be able to have all the oppurtunities given to her with private schooling etc that he just can't do with two.
I have told DH that I just can't not try to give our one & only FE a chance, I've told him that I'm willing to just leave it all be if the FE doesn't work but he thinks I'm lying. He thinks that there is no way I'd be happy to not do another full IVF cycle if the frozen transfer was unsuccessful.
My DD has also started asking for a baby sister or brother & the other day she even told me that she is lonely which broke my heart.  I told DH that as a man he just doesn't understand the desire I have to try for another baby but he is refusing still at this stage.
We did have a big talk about it the other night infact & has agreed that once the current medical issues we are facing are all sorted we will again sit down & discuss things so I guess I may still have hope but I'm running out of time.  My frozen embryos storage time limit runs out in just 10.5mths.


Posted 28 May 2011 - 12:00 AM

I feel that I directly relate to bits of your story.  I too have very little family and completely understand the yearning that you feel.  I have felt it not just for myself, but for my only child (knowing what it is store).

I can also understand the desire not to want to undergo more ivf, however, it does seem difficult/a shame/waste/tragic? to dispose of embroyos already created.

Can you get him to attend some counselling with you to see if you can maybe sway him to accept trying for another child?  And if not, find some way to make peace with his decision and the way in which it impacts upon your life?

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