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IVF Multiple Cycles and The Longhaul Buddy Group #6
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Posted 31 March 2011 - 09:27 AM
Wowsers.... it sure has been quiet in here.
How is everyone going?
Just to bump the thread I will now follow with a long, self indulgent, whiney, me, me, me post.
*Feel free to ignore*
I've been trying to chart this month, either I am doing it wrong or I am not ovulating, getting a bit morose.
I got a letter from my Auntie (who I finally decided to tell about the IVF as I was having great difficulties writing her letters full of 'news' as in reality all I am really doing is stressing about my infertility, writing these 'chirpy' little tales of what I was planting in the garden, what jam I've made this week etc were starting to sound so false to me.)
She wrote back with a "it probably isn't meant to be" and "you should probably give up" letter which was really rather sad.
( I just know that if Mum was still here she would be able to guide me through this, make it feel 'better' somehow, I think I was hoping in vain that maybe my Aunties could do that... but they aren't Mum, and a letter isn't a cuddle is it?)
I think coming in the same week as my sister told me they had re-done their wills and she thought she should tell me (so I wouldn't be surprised if the worst did happen) that she had put down her friend and husband as the guardians of her children.
She had very valid reasoning - proximity, income, etc. but it was still pretty painful.
I suppose I should look at it in a 'she probably thinks I'd have my own children to be worrying about' positive spin, but part of me wonders if she thinks I wouldn't be a good mother figure? Stupid thing to be worried about I know!
My cousin also rang me this week, to tell me his wife was pregnant - I gave the performance of my life with hearty congratulations, and I did mean it, they will be lovely parents.
It sounds reading between the lines that it probably wasn't a planned baby......... I went for a LONG walk, and kicked a few sticks.. Urrrgh! jealousy is such an ugly emotion.
Thread is now bumped... I want to hear some GOOD NEWS!
(Or at least someone else's whine to make me feel less of a petulant madame!)
Posted 31 March 2011 - 09:53 AM
Oh Mel, that's just crappy all round. You're totally within your rights to whine in that post as it sounds like it's just one more needling, crappy thing on top of the other at the moment for you right now I'm so sorry that you're going through that. Your Aunty needs a kick in the backside for her letter!!!!
I've been offline for a while b/c the young siblings of my longterm foster children have come into my care for respite- aged 2 and 1. Eeek! I've had them here before, and my 2 older kids love having their brother and sister here with them and are always saying they wish the little ones could stay here forever. I'm totally expecting their bio mum to announce "Oops! I'm pregnant again..... (for the 9th time)" as she tends to do that when her kids are removed from her care- she just makes some more.... So yes, I fully get where you're coming from when you hear of people "accidentally" falling pregnant.
AFM- I'm starting my new cycle on Gonal-F and Orgalutran tomorrow. So it's all systems "GO" and my diet has fallen apart... bummer. Sleep deprivation and chaos does that to me
Brookar- good luck for tomorrow's FET. Fingers crossed for you
Rosabella- wow, congratulations!!!! That's excellent news, keep us in the loop on how you're going
Moi Mwah- how are you holding up? You've been in my thoughts xoxoxoxox
A big hello to everyone else. I've been missing my daily cuppa and EB indulgence. I hope we all get a big sprinkling of baby dust and in leiu of that: some wine and chocolate xox
Edited by librablonde, 31 March 2011 - 11:11 AM.
Posted 31 March 2011 - 02:32 PM
Mel you vent as much as you like. I dont call it jealousy but envy, and it is so hard not to feel it, especially the accidents. I remember when my sister fell and she couldn't even tell me, had mum tell me, and I was actually p*ssed off as she had always said she didn't want any, and had been trying and didn't tell me.
librablonde, you are going to be 2ww with me. I'm into my long down reg. Days 6 now and first bloods on Saturday. I am guessing my epu will be about next Friday. Feeling really good, just massively bruised from my clexane so finding it hard to find spare spots to do the gonal injections, but oh well it is all worth it.
Brookar good luck for transfer
Rosa how is it all going?
moimwah how are you? I am thinking of you.
Nice to see everyone popping in
Posted 31 March 2011 - 02:38 PM
Oh CountryMel, what a crappy, inconsiderate thing for your aunty to say. Just a few kind, supportive words can make all the difference.
Librablonde - Sounds like you've got your hands well and truly full! It always feels good to be on track again, staring the meds etc. I hope you get some "you" time amongst all the chaos.
Afm - I had a scan yesterday to check my lininig before transfer tomorrow. I nearly burst into tears when the first sentence the Dr said was "it's not super thick". Apparently in some places it's 8mm which he said is the minimum they require for things to be viable and in other places its a little less than that, but still worth going forward. Phew! I was hoping for him to say it was more than adequate thickness, but I guess they wouldn't proceed to transfer if it was going to be a waste of time. Now i've just got everything crossed that our embies thaw nicely.
I hope everyone else is going ok.
Posted 01 April 2011 - 09:05 AM
Oh Brookar, that's awful. I'm so sorry. You'll be in my thoughts today xoxo
Posted 01 April 2011 - 02:03 PM
Oh, Brookar that is just so bloody unfair. I'm so sorry sweetie.
Posted 01 April 2011 - 04:14 PM
Sorry Brookar. What a kick in the guts.
Hi Countrymel. Petulant madame is a great phrase but I don't think you are one.
Hi Halby and Libra. Bets of luck with the cycles.
Posted 03 April 2011 - 01:44 PM
I am on my iPhone so I apologise for mistakes.
Brooker - I am so sorry what a blow. How are you feeling? Try not to worry if your lining is 8mm. That's actually still quite good. The most mine would get to was 6mm.
Countrymel - I got so mad reading your post about your Aunty! How hard is it to say a few, nice supportive words. "it's not fair" is simple yet effective. I'm sorry you don't have your mum around to help guide you through this. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it better. I have a friend that ttc all up for 18 months (big deal) and did a few clomid cycles until she fell. No injections, invasive tests, nada. She would whinge to me all the time (after ttc for only 9 months) and say that we were the same?! Anyway, as soon as she fell pregnant she stopped texting me of asking how I am. I find a lit of people only give a sh*t about themselves!
CC - how are you?
MM - how are you doing love? Have you felt okay (physically) after your D&C?
Spock, I'm so glad to hear you've got a dog waiting for you when you get home! I love my furbaby to bits. I hope you are having a fabulous time away. You deserve it.
Hello to everyone else. Good luck to all those coming up to EPUs, ETs, FETs, etc. I think of you all often.
AFM - I'm still anxious and all that jazz.
Posted 05 April 2011 - 10:28 AM
Oh Panda, you are so right about a lot of people only giving a sh*t about themselves. I have to say that I have found it difficult over the years as I have had the long haul, and although a couple of my friends have had to do ivf, it has been first pop and bfp. 6 stims and 14 trf later to get dd. Now one of those friends who fell first pop is due in 2 months with her second child after doing her first fet. I am really happy for her, but do feel envious as to why it has had to be so hard for me. I just tell myself it is because I can cope with it, and to be honest, I dont think a lot of my friends could do what I have had to do. Hang in there ok it will happen.
afm, am finally picking up the pace on e2. Was my most slow paced start ever, but I am like a good racehorse and come home well. At first on Monday at scan fs was wondering whether to cancell depending on e2, but e2 came back at 1100. So another scan and blood tomorrow and I am guessing either trigger tomorrow or Thursday. Just like the last epu they though I would only get 3 and I got 9, so I need to stop listening to them and follow my own charts as they did upset me a bit yesterday, but am glad they didn't cancell, although DH and I had decided that the decision was going to be ours and not theirs.
How is everyone else going? Anyone else about to cycle or transfer this month?
Posted 05 April 2011 - 12:21 PM
Hi ladies, sorry I have been quiet lately.
halby- I'm glad your cycle isn't being cancelled- I agree it should be up to you if you want to go ahead with it. Hope your EPU exceeds expectations as it did last time!
countrymel- I agree with the others-not happy auntie! People really don't know how to say the right things- is it really that hard?? Hope you're feeling ok now xxx
panda- good to see you, hope all is going well with you??
brookar- so very sorry your embies didn't make it - so sad and frustrating for you.
mm- hope you're doing ok, big hugs to you
libra- hope things have settled down with the kidlets you're looking after. Good luck with your new cycle xx
meggsie- no news is good news I'm hoping?
OK well an update for me, have done yet another frozen cycle with the 'great looking blasts' and am expecting another BFN at BT tomorrow as I POAS today and it was neg. I haven't been updating at all because I feel like I'm just repeating myself all the time.
I'm starting to understand why people give up on IVF- I used to think I would just keep going indefinitely but now I'm really not so sure. For the first time I am really making myself confront the reality that I may end up childless. It is devastating but in a strange way there's a certain peace there too- I think the pain & depression comes from trying to fight what seems like a losing battle (ie IVF!). Sometimes I feel like maybe I should be putting my energy into accepting the idea of childlessness, and start trying to envisage what kind of life I want to lead instead.
If that makes sense at all?
Edited by cheshire_cat, 05 April 2011 - 12:21 PM.
Posted 05 April 2011 - 09:02 PM
moimwah I am so glad you are feeling better. I know what you mean about thinking that maybe you should feel more fragile than you do, I felt the same. I know what you are saying about the age factor as it is definately the thing with our quality of eggs and quantity. If you do have those natural killer cells, then by not having done the fet, means you may have that beautiful embryo that has a chance to stick, as you are then medicated properly. I have not been tested for any of that my fs has given me the benefit of the doubt of that I think my body was rejecting my embryos. So with my protocol i take immune suppresants and blood thinners and I do believe it is what has worked for me. This is the first stim cycle I have ever done it for though, so I am truly hoping and feeling confident that I will be successful.
It is definately your decision and one that you have to feel comfortable with, but maybe a fresh cycle just for the collection, even see if he will put you on another protocol to help with the natural killer cells, I dont know, as I dont know what drugs that would involve. Good luck with your decision, you will make the right one I am sure.
Edited by halby, 05 April 2011 - 09:03 PM.
Posted 05 April 2011 - 10:10 PM
brookar-So sorry to hear your news. Big hugs to you.
CC-Thinking of you. I totally understand your post. In fact, I could have written it word for word. DH and I are starting to think about new directions for our life if this next cycle is another big fail. It's sad to think about but at the same time just a little bit calming to me. I hope you get some good news soon. Take care of yourself. xoxox
Hi to everyone else, hope you're all well.
Posted 06 April 2011 - 07:14 PM
I've been checking in each day on this thread but not yet responded. The honesty and rawness of you all here is just amazing and it constantly inspires me when I read all your stories and where everyone is at on their journey. I just wanted to thank everyone in this forum for being strong enough to discuss and support each other at such a difficult time in their lives
Cheshire- wow, I have no words of wisdom to add, but your post has haunted me since I read it. I dread the fact that I may also be faced with the future that you are now considering, and I yet again have no idea where the line in the sand is. When do I stop this IVF nightmare? When do I concede defeat?? I don't have endless money so can't do lots of EPU's. As it is, I'm putting this next EPU completely on my Visa I really hope and pray today's BT gave you some positive news, although I fear you would have posted if that was the case? I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs, CC xoxo
Moi Mwah- I don't know what the right answer for you is, but if you can afford an EPU, then I say go for it and keep the frostie on ice for now. I know the whole EPU process is just so hard, especially after your recent trauma, but again I don't know where that line in the sand is...... As Halby said, I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.
Brookar- you've been in my thoughts. I hope you're ok and getting lots of support right now.
AFM- I'm day 7 of my cycle and am on Gonal and Orgalutran, having lots of acupuncture and am hoping for lots of good follies at my Friday u/s. Then I might have more of an idea of when the EPU will be next week. I'm also currently dead on my feet from taking care of the 2 extra siblings of my older 2 gorgeous foster kids. The respite placement has been extended for now (which was unsurprising) and I go to bed each night utterly stupefied by exhaustion and with an ongoing headache. But despite that, I really love having the little ones here and I know I'll grieve for them when the courts send them back to their bio-mum. At least their older siblings get to be here permanently and I know they will always be safe. But they also fret for the younger kids and worry about them, so there'll be a huge fallout when this respite placement ends for them too.
To everyone else, a big hello to you all xoxoxo
Posted 07 April 2011 - 12:56 PM
Librablonde so you will be in the april 2ww with me. Easter is meant to be a time for life and fertility and all that so fingers crossed. I think I will trigger tonight and epu on Saturday.
CC How are you going? I am hoping that maybe the test you did was just wrong so I still have everything crossed for you.
pregnancy/ child mentioned
I suppose what I wanted to say to you all is hang in there. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't say to much here as I am now blessed with a DD but my journey to get there was long and hard. I knew I was going to be a mum and even when the pressure was on DH and I and we hit tough times, with or without him I was going to continue to try. It was 14 transfers later when I got my bfp and now I wouldn't change a thing as I specifically have that little girl. If you believe it will happen it will. I think too that things all need to be in the right place. It is a bit of a numbers game and when its your turn its your turn. I know its easy for me to say this now, but I have always tried to carry this approach through my ttc journey as it is so hard. I hope for all of you that your dreams do come true this year.
Posted 08 April 2011 - 09:31 AM
Halby - Nobody knows your body better than you do, and I'm so glad it came through for you as you expected. Fingers crossed for a successful EPU on Saturday.
Librablonde - Thinking of you for your u/s today. I hope you can get a firm date on your EPU for next week. I think this Easter must be the extra special fertile time...I've heard so many people comment on that this week.
MM - did you decide what to do with epu vs FET? After my last FET was such a massive fail with no embryos surviving, I think I would opt for EPU, but of course its such a bigger strain on your body than the FET which may well work. Hard one.
CC - I don't have any words of wisdom but to you.
Panda - I hope you're managing to find some calm for yourself amongst all the anxiety.
Afm - DH & I saw my FS this morning to discuss where to go from here. My current concern is the brown CM (sorry for the TMI) that I get approx 9dpo up until AF arriving when I'm not on any hormones and the dull ache that comes with it. FS suspects that my endo has come back as these symptoms stopped after my last laparoscopy. He doesn't recommend proceeding with another cycle until I have a good "clean out" to give me the best possible chance. My one and only pg was after my last lap. So Im booked in for the 19th of april. Easter will be a quiet one for me....He has also ordered some immunology?? blood tests. He said they are quite expensive and that is why they don't do them straight away. I'm going on the pill once AF arrives in the next few days, and hopefully will go straight into a stim cycle after my lap.
MM - I'm interested to read that your FS is doing an endometrial biopsy to test for natural killer cells. My FS said he would do a endometrial biopsy as part of my procedure on the 19th. I wonder if this is to test for the killer cells or something else? I won't see him again until the day of procedure to be able to ask. At the time I assumed it had something to do with the endo.
Hi to everyone else, I hope you have a good weekend.
Edited by Brookar, 08 April 2011 - 09:34 AM.
Posted 08 April 2011 - 04:18 PM
Hi lovely ladies
this is just a super quick note to say I my u/s today showed I have 5 follicles so my epu is scheduled for this Tuesday a.m. YAY!!!!!!!!
Here's hoping they all fertilize and are stronger, healthy embies this time round
Posted 08 April 2011 - 04:32 PM
Looking good Librablonde, I hope you are going to join me in the April 2ww. Theres a couple of us there so far. Good luck
Posted 09 April 2011 - 06:28 PM
Hi ladies, well my epu went well and got 7 eggs. Now to wait on fert results and then the usual day by day progress. Am really pleased with that number, and am still feeling really good. I am a little sore as usual, but DH and DD are taking good care of me which has been lovely.
I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.
Posted 09 April 2011 - 06:40 PM
Hi Halby, that's great news, I'm sure they'll grow into beautiful embies. Lap up all that nurturing from DP and DD, I'm totally ready for that right now! LOL I'll be quietly stalking you over our 2WW to check on how you're going. Good luck, hon xoxox
Posted 09 April 2011 - 10:35 PM
Good work halby and librablonde!
More moaning from me.
My period arrived last night - after my ever lengthening cycle gave me a day or two of ludicrous hope... you would think I would have learned by now..
I was planning on a FET this cycle but I am now not sure. My Dad has been in hospital with pneumonia for the last 9 days and my life has been filled with hospital/driving to hospital and dealing with a very frightened, angry and depressed elderly man.
If I book a FET it will surely coincide with Dad 'needing me' for something - I also know that if I put it off again, next month I will surely have another crisis on my hands...
DP is saying (as he always says) "It is entirely your decision" but he is also starting to become concerned that I am being stretched to breaking point dealing with my family.
I want a little needy baby, not a needy parent! And I hate myself for feeling this way.
Posted 10 April 2011 - 01:19 PM
Hi Mel, ok- I'm going to offer my advice as I've been in a similar situation to yours a number of times during this IVF journey.
Every time I seem to have any IVF transfers on, some major crisis seems to occur in my family's life. eg: My foster kids siblings need emergency respite and my home and kids are thrown into chaos, my mum has a life threatening heart malfunction, my DP has an extremely stressful time regarding court hearings and her ex-DP, I get sick, the list goes on and on.... And if I stalled my IVF FET's each time those thing arose I'd get nothing done. Everyone's situation is different, so I'm not sure what is possible in your situation right now with your dad and the stress you must already be under with him, but I'd try to plow ahead with your FET regardless of anything else if I could. I don't think stress has much of an impact of the viability of transfers, and I just would want to stay on track with IVF despite all the external dramas. Easier said than done, I know
And it's totally understandable that you are feeling conflicted regarding your dad's dependency on you right now. I used to nurse my sick grandma and it can be a very heavy load. You must make time for yourself, no matter what. Can con conscript other family or friends to assist you in this situation with your dad? Can anyone make meals for you (if DP can't) and help with daily chores and stuff while you are with your dad? And can anyone else be with him while you sort out your FET?
My heart goes out to you, hon, as it sounds like a totally crappy situation. Just don't let yourself get "off track" with your own dreams of a baby. Whether you delay the FET or not, I hope you can keep the FET in an overall timeline so the months don't slip away.
And if all else fails today, try some wine. I drank a heap of red last night with DP and a heap of brie and fig pate. With the drama of our lives right now, I just couldn't be bothered with my diet and tight boundaries anymore And it was awesome
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