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Fertility is not infinite
If you want kids, better get cracking.


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#26 ~*Lou*~

Posted 13 November 2011 - 07:20 PM

I have a DD and DS. I'm 36 yrs old and diagnosed with breast cancer 2 mths ago, now having chemo. By the time I have completed all my cancer treatment, including 5 yrs of hormone treatment, and allowed to TTC again, I'll be just short of my 42nd birthday - i am therefore assuming I'm NOT having a 3rd baby, even though I'd love one more.

Lou

#27 Mozzie1

Posted 13 November 2011 - 07:32 PM

While I am not as old as your friend at the BBQ (I'm 30), my response when people ask me when I'm having kids is always "no way, not yet, we are not ready". We are actually trying to conceive, but quite frankly it's no one's business but ours. Even our parents don't know (they get the same response when they ask), so I sure as hell wouldn't tell someone at a BBQ. Quite frankly, I think it was rude of you to ask.

And I comletely agree with the PP that said this is a men's issue as well. I know many couples who are delaying TTC because the man isn't ready, and doesn't understand the issue of declining female fertility. And given that most of the media attention in this issue is directed at women's media, it's not surprising that they don't know.

#28 mm1981

Posted 13 November 2011 - 07:35 PM

So true.

I fell pregnant with DS when I was 27. I had not intended to even start thinking about kids until I was at least 34/35.

I have since found out my grandmother and two aunties all underwent early menopause by 36. My mother had no idea about this (it was found out by total accident) so it is not like she could have told me the risk of waiting.

I am pregnant with number 2 now and I am forever grateful that I fell pregnant when I did. My older sister (who is 37) has also just started menopause.

#29 emily88

Posted 13 November 2011 - 07:45 PM

Well the OB is getting a bit of a bashing but here goes.. I agree!

As a woman, a strong and independant woman, i agree it is a a couples decision, but if my partner didnt respect that i wanted children by a certain age then i wouldnt be with that partner.
Totally understand not finding a partner, or other circumstances but if ur in a loving relationship, reaching the point of fertility decline, and still think theres more important things to do than have children, then i understand what the OP is saying about u shouldnt be thinking "i have time"..because u might not.

let the hateful replies begin......

#30 sarah_jane

Posted 13 November 2011 - 07:48 PM

QUOTE
You say some people regret their children, but in the instance of this blog post, as it is abundantly clear, I am talking about mature women who are more than capable of making choices about their parenting status.

As opposed to those stupid younger women who clearly make bad decisions regularly? I was 19 when I started TTC- quite mature and capable. I still made the wrong decision, and I'm sure older women can make bad decisions also.

QUOTE
But does anyone really regret having their kids? Those who have made a conscious, informed decision to have them? They may mourn their previous life, but to regret the children they have?

Short answer? Yes.

It's not about not loving them, or wanting the best for them. I'm a great mum, and my kids are thriving. But if I could turn back time I don't hesitate in admitting they were a bad decision, that I would not repeat.

What's a conscious, informed decision anyway? Don't we all just do the best we can with what we know? Hindsight doesn't come until later.

#31 libbylu

Posted 13 November 2011 - 07:58 PM

I conceived my first child without any problems age 29.  He was a handful and we weren't in a rush for a second.  We waited until I was 33 to start trying.  2.5 years later we are still trying and about to embark on IVF.  My cycle is in age related decline, which can be fixed with medication, but my husbands fertility has also declined to the point where his sperm won't do the trick. Fingers crossed IVF will work for us, but if not then at least we have one child.  I also just thank whoever that we didn't delay trying for our first any longer or we might have blown our only chance.

#32 hernette

Posted 13 November 2011 - 08:06 PM

While I think there are some women who still believe this, I don't think the majority of women are just waiting around for the right time.  I think a lot of us aren't prepared to go it alone and many of us find it difficult to find the right guy who will "go there" with us.  We started trying 2 months after our wedding.  I was 31.  More than 3 1/2 years (3 miscarriages and 2 surgeries) later we are finally expecting No 1.  I never thought it would take this long, but I also don't blame myself.

#33 Illiterati

Posted 13 November 2011 - 08:07 PM

QUOTE
Well the OB is getting a bit of a bashing


I think the OP will be fine after all she herself notes:

QUOTE
I just couldn't help myself. Call me rude, tell me it's none of my business, but yes, I told her she was running out of time. Rapidly. If she was so keen on having kids, she needed to start trying, sooner rather than once she had done all of her 'stuff'. Stuff is always there. Fertility is not.


She had no trouble saying this to a woman she barely knows at a bbq.

#34 soapy

Posted 13 November 2011 - 08:12 PM

It's possible your friend at the BBQ is currently TTC. I know when my 35yo SIL was asked the same question even though she was TTC she would say something along similar lines. I don't think that she was really interested in telling everyone that they were trying but not having any luck.

I can see where you are coming from though, some couples just assume it will happen quickly.

#35 Moo point

Posted 13 November 2011 - 08:36 PM

I'm finally pg with number 1 after 3 IVF cycles and aged 36 - I didn't meet my DH until I was 33. Within a year and a half we moved in together, got engaged and married and started TTC, mainly because of my age (and my DH is thankfully a clucky man).

As I'm only 8 weeks along and quite apprehensive about this pregnancy; there are many people we haven't told. I ran into an old (30 weeks pg) neighbour last week who asked if DH and I were trying/considering, and I still used the line "not yet, waiting to buy a house, we have time" etc even though it's complete rubbish and we've been actively TTC for 1.5 years. It's no one else's business - I'm with the PPs that the woman at the BBQ may have been trying for ages with no luck. I have a friend who is 41, knows her time is running out, but still tells people stuff like this as it's too personal to discuss.

And I agree with Shady Lane - infertility is a couples problem. I am so fricking sick and tired of it being about women deliberately delaying having children. Let's get some education into those guys in their 20s and 30s that female (and for the most part male) fertility is finite; that both men and women can be affected earlier than late 30s (my DH is only 33 with MFI); and that commitment is not as scary as it seems!

As someone who has been through the torture of infertility tests, diagnosis and treatment, I am the LAST person to (a) enquire about anyone else's plans for children, single or married or otherwise and (b) even consider mentioning fertility decline. I assume that people are as well-informed as I am about that.

#36 JAPNII

Posted 13 November 2011 - 08:47 PM

OP - Do you see yourself as some sort of educator of women of CBA?

Honestly, you do sound rude and smug. You have no idea why the woman you were talking to did not have a child - she might have not been wanting to talk about it, so told you she had 'things to do'.

There have been more than enough articles about delaying pregnancy. What there is just starting to be though, is articles about the fact that men are often the blocker to getting pregnant and having a family.

Get over yourself. Thank your lucky stars for what you have and stop judging others.

Edited by JAPN2, 13 November 2011 - 08:47 PM.


#37 roses7

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:04 PM

QUOTE (HappyLarry @ 13/11/2011, 07:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How do you know she wasn't TTC but just wanted to enjoy the BBQ and not dicsuss such issues with someone she bearly knew?

Either way I hope she doesn't follow your blog.


This. I have 2 friends who had fertility issues who responded to questions about children by pretending they weren't ready. You have absolutely no idea what her personal circumstances are. Maybe she is TTC and doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe her partner isn't keen and she is at a crossroads. Either way, it is none of your business.

Personally I think children rushed into with an unwilling partner is a bad idea. Bad for the parents and bad for the kids. I would never bully a partner into having kids due to my "ticking clock". And by the way, not everyone has a clock. For many of us the decision to have children is a well considered one when we are in a stable and loving relationship, not a mad rush to find a sperm donor because we're over 30.

I was married at 35 to a man I started dating when I was 30, but the relationship took a while to develop. We started TTC at 37 and had our children at 38 & 39. It has been an amazing journey and one that I would recommend to anyone. I have no regrets and my husband is a dedicated and loving father because he was ready to be a parent.

#38 irises

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:05 PM

Double post

Edited by flickery, 13 November 2011 - 09:08 PM.


#39 irises

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:07 PM

Well, it may well be that the BBQ lady is already TTC and just didn't want to talk about it, but I think the OP was just trying to help, and good on her.

If the BBQ lady is finding it hard to conceive because of her age, she's only going to be nodding her head on the inside, rather than getting offended by someone pointing out what she already knows. And if she really DOES think she has all the time in the world then she ought to be bloody grateful that someone is trying to set her straight!

What would you rather - some practical stranger sticking their nose in and making you realise the truth and actually ending up with a baby, or remaining ignorant and missing out because everyone was being 'polite'? Go Prue. I think your heart was in the right place.

#40 minidiamond

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:16 PM

Jeez, strike one up for the infertility sisterhood !!  You know, of all the people I've met IRL and here on EB that are going through IVF, I've met very few who've judged others in the way you judged this woman you know - "slightly".

So when you were struggling to concieve OP, did you tell everyone ? Or did you ocasionally make excuses ?  Did you ever put on a happy face ? Do you think maybe this person you know "slightly" was putting on a happy face ? Or maybe her partner was the one that was "more" infertile - like your husband.

I'm reading a great book at the moment written by a woman who went through IVF, here's an excerpt:-

When you eventually succeed or decide to get off the roller coaster, dont forget what it was like to be struggling. Be kind to other infertiles.  Remember how hard it is for an infertile to be around pregnant people (or people with kids), even if the pregnant person has struggled for ages and did six million IVFs.

#41 minidiamond

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:20 PM

QUOTE (flickery @ 13/11/2011, 10:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, it may well be that the BBQ lady is already TTC and just didn't want to talk about it, but I think the OP was just trying to help, and good on her.

If the BBQ lady is finding it hard to conceive because of her age, she's only going to be nodding her head on the inside, rather than getting offended by someone pointing out what she already knows.

How on earth would you know that she's not being offended ? Or that she didn't go home and bawl her eyes out ? I can tell you what I'm saying on the inside when someone tells me I need to hurry up. "shut the frig up, mind your own business and how dare you judge me and my situation when you have no idea about it?" but I smile on the outside to people I dont know very well.

#42 Jyles _3

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:22 PM

QUOTE (prue~c @ 13/11/2011, 07:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I love to engage and banter with people, but I'm not marked on how many responses there are to my posts


But now I'm curious. What are you marked on and who is marking you? Or have I missed something - is it open that there are Fairfax paid people here to stir things up? I haven't been on EB for a few weeks now...

#43 anon_mouse

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:24 PM

QUOTE (prue~c @ 13/11/2011, 06:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But does anyone really regret having their kids? Those who have made a conscious, informed decision to have them? They may mourn their previous life, but to regret the children they have?


Yes.

I have two children and regret it deeply. And I made concious, informed decisions to have kids. In fact, I was TTC for 2 years with the first. By the time I realized I wasn't just mourning my old life or post natally depressed, but was not cut out to enjoy parenting at all and wish I never had kids, my was 18 months and I was 8 months pregnant with my second. (I tried TTC immediately after the first due to my age & the fact it took me 2 years the first time.)

If I could go back in time and make the decision to not have children, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I do care for my children and am raising them as best as I can because it is not their fault they were born and I need to live with my decision to bring them into the world, but if i had my time again, they'd not be here. I absolutely hate parenting and while I do care for my kids, I absolutely hate all the sacrifices having kids entails and I did not realize it would be this bad.

And before I am accused of making a troll account to bait, I am not. I just don't want to make this post from my regular EB account because I don't want my children or other family members to ever know I feel this way and my other account is "obviously" me as it names my kids by age and a cousin also on EB knows it is my account also.

Edited by anon_mouse, 13 November 2011 - 09:27 PM.


#44 Guest_Starletta_*

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:51 PM

I think you are rude and very closed minded.

I hope I never come across you at a BBQ so I dont have to have an awkward, upsetting conversation with someone about something that is none of her business to begin with.

#45 Flutter Bug

Posted 13 November 2011 - 09:59 PM

You are braver than I, OP!
After struggling to get pregnant and suffering miscarriages in the past asking someone about their baby plans or in fact lecturing them on it is the last thing I would ever do.
It is such a sensitive topic and even though they may be smiling on the outside you just never know what people might really be going through.

#46 la di dah

Posted 13 November 2011 - 10:13 PM

If someone had asked when was I having kids, I'd say "Oh I don't know..."

If she kept going I'd say something about plenty of time. If she KEPT going I'd nod and smile and go home and cry my eyes out because I feel so frightened and so OLD (did I mention I found a grey hair today?).

Seriously, cross-examining women you hardly know about their reproductive plans is triflin' and rude as hell.

Gonna go cry now.

If someone had asked when was I having kids, I'd say "Oh I don't know..."

If she kept going I'd say something about plenty of time. If she KEPT going I'd nod and smile and go home and cry my eyes out because I feel so frightened and so OLD (did I mention I found a grey hair today?).

Seriously, cross-examining women you hardly know about their reproductive plans is triflin' and rude as hell.

Gonna go cry now.

#47 Aqua Kitty Kat

Posted 13 November 2011 - 10:57 PM

OP how do you know that she is trying to conceive? You are rude even discussing it with her. How would you have felt if you were TTC secretly and some strange women at a BBQ gave you advice to hurry up and get on with it?

I got so sick of getting this 'advice' when we were TTC privately. Some people don't discuss their conception journey to all - like you have. Some prefer privacy. What she does and when she does it is none of your business. Keep your thoughts and preaching to yourself.

#48 Sugaraddict

Posted 14 November 2011 - 03:24 AM

QUOTE (flickery @ 13/11/2011, 10:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well, it may well be that the BBQ lady is already TTC and just didn't want to talk about it, but I think the OP was just trying to help, and good on her.

If the BBQ lady is finding it hard to conceive because of her age, she's only going to be nodding her head on the inside, rather than getting offended by someone pointing out what she already knows. And if she really DOES think she has all the time in the world then she ought to be bloody grateful that someone is trying to set her straight!

What would you rather - some practical stranger sticking their nose in and making you realise the truth and actually ending up with a baby, or remaining ignorant and missing out because everyone was being 'polite'? Go Prue. I think your heart was in the right place.


Precisely!

#49 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 14 November 2011 - 05:20 AM

I agree with everything Shady Lane said about the sexism of the OP and especially the presumption that men's fertility declines slower so what? they leave their career-driven wife to get a 20-something pregnant because (a) they can or (b) there are really that many younger women available to have relationships with older men AND aren't worried about their own career stalling while they have kids?

Complete rubbish - but you're also preaching to the converted - EB is primarily women who are at some point in their parenting journeys. Whether they're 16 or 60 the fact that they are here means they know a fair amount already.

I am another on the 'how quickly we forget' bandwagon, you're heart might have been in the right place but your foot wasn't.

#50 baddmammajamma

Posted 14 November 2011 - 05:40 AM

From my hospital bed and an iPhone, so please forgive any choppiness. Like so many others on this thread, I find the OP's blog entry (and subsequent responses) to be smug and judgmental. I also suspect that the BBQ conversation didn't unfold precisely as she conveys (with the childless woman being so dismissive of the age factor "It's never too late!" I am skeptical that those were her actual words, but they sure make a good opening for a blog).. And if the conversation DID unfold on the OP's front as she describes, then the OP had best sign up for an etiquette class - such presumptions and such rudeness! Color me completely unimpressed with this blog.

Edited by baddmammajamma, 14 November 2011 - 06:16 AM.





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