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My daughter is consently bullied.
I've had enough!!


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#1 coconass

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:03 PM


I was having a lovely day yesterday at my in laws, until I saw my 9 year old DD crying. I hurried to her and asked her what had happened, she was a bit hestitant in telling me her 12 year old (60kg) cousin had hurt her again, the reason she didn't want to tell me was because she was worried that I would tell him off and he would hurt her again. They were playing basket ball and he was too rough and kicked her after punching the ball out of her hand.

Anyway as the kids were trying to what had happened, the mother of his boy (my sister in law) stood next to me  listening. I quickly said to the boy " did you apolise" he said  " yes" , my DD quickly said " no you didn't", so I told the boy in a very calm voice to apolise as you obvious hurt her, and she didn't hear you."
He just sat there and acted dumb. As his mother was standing next to me I whispered to her to calm the situation and just ask him to apolise and it will all be settled. I asked her three times to no avail. She basicly ignored my plea and sat down.

Well you can imagine what happened next!!! I lost it! I turned to her and said your son had hurt my kid (happened heaps of times before and never opened my mouth, b/c didn't want to cause conflict) the least you can do is teach him to say sorry..she repliede " HE DID" i repied " DD didn't hear him!!" and of course I was really angry at this stage and my other sister in law was tring to calming down by saying they are just kids and not to act like this in front of the kids, I told her if my kid had hurt another child ( even by accident ) i would make my child apologis!. My mother in law said "mybe it was an accident", I replied " My DD is the one hurt and crying not your grandson". My hubby helds me and told me don't worry about it and to be the bigger person. I then lost the plot and yelled out " I'M SICK OF BEING THE BIGGER AND BETTER PERSON" . I grap my three children and left.

I am still very shaken up about this still.

What do you think! Has this kind of thing happened to you?

#2 UncommonSense

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:05 PM

Um wow.. No it hasn't happend to me and if it did I doubt i'd go off like that..

Edited by UncommonSense, 12 December 2011 - 12:06 PM.


#3 PrizzyII

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:08 PM

No, I don't ever behave like that and no, my daughter has not been bullied by any of her cousins, interestingly whose weight I don't know the details of.
Screaming and storming off? Did you have a few drinks prior or what?

#4 Hooray Henry

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:09 PM

Is it something that frequently happens?  Has he hurt her before?

#5 jaismum

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:10 PM

I assume there have been some other issues involving that side of the family to boil down to this??

#6 lozoodle

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:12 PM

Is there more to this story?

Based on what you have said alone I'd say you've completely overreacted.

#7 idignantlyright

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:12 PM

I can totally understand how you feel about being told 'to be the bigger person'. The last time my MIL told me that, I told her I was sick of being the bigger person and then hung up on her.

As for your DD9 being hurt, the fact he was older and a boy would have made me demand an apology. Sometimes though in some families, boys can do no wrong and to try and make them apologise to a female is just asking for trouble.

#8 BadCat

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:15 PM

I loathe the attitude that you should let it slide to keep the peace.  I can do it for a once off but not for ongoing poor treatment.  What would that be teaching your DD?

Suck it up.  Don't rock the boat.  Don't make a scene.  


Good on you for not buying into it and teaching your kids that they don't have to put up with harrassment just to keep everyone else happy.

It would have had a better effect if you could have done it without screaming but better that than being a mouse.

#9 Aqua Kitty Kat

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:22 PM

I seriously doubt the OP got this upset over a one off incident. Sounds like there's some history with this kid being a bully to your child.

If my child was constantly bullied, especially physically, I would get just as upset, especially when the parents of the bully do not appear to be correcting his behaviour or making him accountable for his actions.

There is no excuse for a 12 year old to submit a younger child(or any child for that matter) to any form of physical violence.




#10 just roses

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:23 PM

What makes this situation tricky is that you didn't see your nephew hit your daughter. You have taken your daughter's word for it, and also taken her word for it that he didn't apologise.

It's natural enough that you would want to believe your daughter and protect her, but she wouldn't be the first nine year old to overreact. So it's worth taking a deep breath (or two) to really assess a situation before you jump in, boots and all.

I think you flew off the handle a bit. I don't know how I would react if someone told me angrily to make my son apologise for something that neither of us had witnessed.

Are there other family issues at play here?

#11 EsmeLennox

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:24 PM

While I can understand you being upset, I think your reaction was completely OTT. Did you actually speak to both children (and any others who were there) to properly ascertain what happened?

Whether or not it was an accident, the boy should have apologised, but I am very much afraid you have done yourself no favours by behaving the way you did. After you left, they would have all sat around talking about how nuts and inappropriate your behaviour was, rather than focusing on the issue of the children, and therefore, I suspect that any time something like this happens again it will get dismissed because they will view you as being OTT and over-protective, even if the 12 year old is deliberately targeting your child.

I think what you should have done, and what I would do in the future, is to sit down and calmly talk about what your view of the situation is and what the view of the other parents are and try to reach a compromise. You should certainly not let it slide, but you could have managed the situation far more effectively.

Certainly, I think when any child is hurt there should be an apology and if it were to come out that the 12 year old was doing this deliberately then there should be a punishment too, but I don't actually think this was established, because you allowed yourself to lose your temper.

Edited by Jemstar, 12 December 2011 - 12:26 PM.


#12 Chelli

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:28 PM

Hi OP,
I hope it's ok, I'm going to move to this to the bullying forum so that members who ever (sadly) have the same experiences can learn from this thread. I will keep a link in the WDYT forum, and all replies will come up on the "We are discussing" section.

I hope your DD is ok.



#13 Sweet like a lemon

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:28 PM

QUOTE (BadCat @ 12/12/2011, 01:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I loathe the attitude that you should let it slide to keep the peace.  I can do it for a once off but not for ongoing poor treatment.  What would that be teaching your DD?

Suck it up.  Don't rock the boat.  Don't make a scene.  


Good on you for not buying into it and teaching your kids that they don't have to put up with harrassment just to keep everyone else happy.

It would have had a better effect if you could have done it without screaming but better that than being a mouse.


This.
Screaming is not ideal but it's a damn side better than being walked over. Losing it in front of your kids is not ideal but side better than a heap of passive aggressive bs.
Hope you and your DD are feeling better today OP, and for the record if my DD was being picked on or someone decided to use their size against her there is no way I would let it slide.

#14 just roses

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:38 PM

QUOTE (ForsakenTruth @ 12/12/2011, 12:28 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This.
Screaming is not ideal but it's a damn side better than being walked over. Losing it in front of your kids is not ideal but side better than a heap of passive aggressive bs.
Hope you and your DD are feeling better today OP, and for the record if my DD was being picked on or someone decided to use their size against her there is no way I would let it slide.

Nor would I let it slide.

But there are better ways of handling it.

I can only assume that the bullying has happened before and there is a history because in this situation the OP did not witness what happened.

And when you didn't see something happen, you need to be calm and rational and try to figure out what happened. You don't want to risk making false accusations.


#15 Magenta Ambrosia

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:38 PM

I probably would have said to my SIL "well if you think bullying and a lack of manners is OK then I think I we need to leave" and left. I can understand why you lost it as my reaction would hardly be much more politically correct.

#16 just roses

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:45 PM

QUOTE (Magenta Ambrosia @ 12/12/2011, 12:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I probably would have said to my SIL "well if you think bullying and a lack of manners is OK then I think I we need to leave" and left. I can understand why you lost it as my reaction would hardly be much more politically correct.

But neither of them saw what happened!

#17 threelittlegems

Posted 12 December 2011 - 12:46 PM

Agree you could have handled it better. If it were me, it probably would have ended up us leaving if the cousin wouldn't apologise but in a more dignified fashion.

I understand sometimes things boil over. My SIL is having problems with another cousin from her side of the family. Last week the cousin hit her daughter on the head with a hammer. They are seven and eight (two girls). My niece had an egg on her head.

When they spoke to the girls father, and asked for an apology, the girl replied that my niece had asked to be hit on the head with a hammer ohmy.gif and so they left it at that . I spoke to my SIL and told her, that if it were my child, I would have politely banned the other child and her father from my house for a set period of time, so they would understand that such behaviour is not acceptable. This girl has been hurting the other children for years, but this is the most serious instance.

I am sure, one day, my SIL is going to explode and it ain't going to be pretty. I assume, that there was a lot of pent up anger for you too OP.

Edited by threelittlegems, 12 December 2011 - 12:47 PM.


#18 toosenuf

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:09 PM

QUOTE (coconass @ 12/12/2011, 01:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am still very shaken up about this still.

What do you think! Has this kind of thing happened to you?


OP - DD2 was bullied at school, in Kindy and again in Y2.  so although i cant help you in a family situation (only becuase i dont see my family becuase my mother treats me like a nobody and i wont put my girls in that situation), i can maybe help if it happens again.

Like some pp's ahve said loosing your temper isnt going to help, many times i got angry at the school and they were not suppoting us AT ALL.  DD2 and me were just ignored more and more.

I learnt ot not dis-beleive DD, as i beleive some teachers (in my case) had another agenda for not helping.  I felt i was in the middle of beleiveing DD and the teacher/s, their versions were NEVER the same. It did come out, becuase it woudl not let htis go, that DD2 didnt always tell the truth, i am still reminding  her to always tell the truth, even if she knows she will get into trouble, so far it is working.  Not saying that this is the case for your DD.

I fyou can, can you talk to the other children present, with their parents consent of course, or if any adults were present can you talk to them.  Whether this is possible or not, the next time you are in the 12yo cousins' company keep him/your DD with earshot, so you can keep a eye on things.

Could it be that the 12yo doesnt know his own strength?  I only ask becuase DD1 is a much larger frame than DD2 and i still have to remind DD1 to not hurt DD2, 99.9% of the time she doesnt mean to hurt, she just doesnt think first.

I fyour DD is in a situation again where she is hurt, suggest that she come directly to you and tell yo what has happened - i have found that quite often the first things they say is the 'truth'.

HTH, even just a little.

ETA: i aslo agree with the 'keeping the peace' and 'sucking it up' sh*t is a way of pretending it isnt happening and sweeping it under the carpet.

Looks like you may be the only one who is sticking up for your DD, and if you dont, no one else will.

Edited by toosenuf, 12 December 2011 - 01:13 PM.


#19 Phascogale

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:16 PM

Oh dear.  Chances are your reaction now means that your in-laws think that you might be a little unstable, especially if the cousin can do no wrong.

What I would do is avoid going to this cousin's house (or your 9 year old not going).  If he is there at a family function I would keep your daughter close where you can see her.  But only if she's happy in that position ie playing on the floor with other kids or doing something solitary ie reading, playing DS, writing, drawing etc.  This shouldn't be a punishment for her.  If she really doesn't want to come then I would find somewhere else for her to go ie your family, or a friends house if you feel the bullying is that out of control and the boy's parents and other people don't see it as a problem.  She doesn't need to be put in a position to be bullied and she doesn't need to be the bigger person (neither do you).

If it happens again (and really steps should be taken so it doesn't) then take your kids and leave and not go back.  Nothing stopping your husband from seeing his family but avoid the cousin at all costs because it's not worth it to your daughter's mental (and physical) health.

A forced apology means nothing, especially if there is no punishment or no one thinks there is anything wrong and are just doing it to placate you.

#20 BlueUnicorn

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:28 PM

Good for you! I would have done the same only probably not as polite as you in the same situation, especially if it was a build up of many times.  
Makes sure your daughter knows it wasn't her fault you got cranky and left though, kids sometimes take stuff on like that.
I'd stay clear of the whole family for a while and unless the sil and cousin give an apology, I'd not bother socialising with them anymore.  Life is tough enough without copping that kind of treatment from family.  If you don't stand up for yourself and your children, no one else will.



#21 jennywin

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:32 PM

Well the kid obviously did something wrong, as he said he'd said sorry. So he knew he did something wrong. If I were that kids mum I would be trying to find out what had happened, and make him say sorry again if the girl was still crying.

Good on you for making it known you were angry. A little anger this time may have given your daughter the confidence to stand up for herself as she knows you will protect her. And the kid will think twice next time, with the memory of an angry you. Unfortunately thats what works with bullies.

#22 *~*ME*~*

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:34 PM

OP i am sorry to hear you DD has been bullied over and over again by your nephew.

I do think you over reacted just a slight bit, as we all can do when our emotions get the better of us.

Hope your DD doesn't cop anymore bullying.

#23 coconass

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:39 PM


Thank you for all your advice..

What happened yesterday is so out of character for me, I never go off, I am always calm and take it on the chin. I never demanded an apology from the boy, He told me he said sorry ( so obviously, he did something to hurt DD) I just said to him " she mustn't of heard you" but he refuse to repeat it or look at my DD. Thats when I kindly asked his mother to intervene as she was standing there. I was and still am upset because his parents allow this behaviour to go on and do not care for the other children around. If I had a choice I wouldn't see them, but they live at with my in laws.

This bullying has been going on for 5 years , he calls her names (very rude to mention), she once left her jacket behind and I told to run back in a get it, as I waited in the car and she came back crying as he threw the basket ball at her head. He has done so many things to harm her and I have always comforted her and told her to stay with me. This works for a little while, but then it happeneds again.

I never leave my kids at my in laws because of this kid, I am protective of my kids, but I don't know how not to be!!

I really wish I didn't react like I did, but I seriously couldn't hold myself anymore. Either I explode or cry in a heap.

#24 jennywin

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:44 PM

OP dont feel bad at all, the kids an ass and so are his parents.

If they want to raise a boy to physically intimidate his younger female cousin, sorry but they are asses.

#25 toosenuf

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:48 PM

oh goodness OP, i didnt realise it had being going on for so long.  

I fyou think that the best thing for your DD is to suggest that your IL's visit you at your house without te cousin, then that is what i would suggest you do.  If the cousin does come, he is in  you home, he plays by your rules, IMO you have the right to disipline him in your home.




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