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My daughter is consently bullied.
I've had enough!!


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#26 annodam

Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:51 PM

My DD is not a bully, but also knows when she needs to stick up for herself, her TaeKwonDo instructor has told her many times.
Perhaps you could teach your daughter some coping strategies/techniques to deal with her cousin?
What's stopping him bullying your other kids?

No way would this be going on for 5yrs here, that's just insane!

#27 Guest_Cathode_*

Posted 12 December 2011 - 02:09 PM

QUOTE (coconass @ 12/12/2011, 10:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was having a lovely day yesterday at my in laws, until I saw my 9 year old DD crying. I hurried to her and asked her what had happened, she was a bit hestitant in telling me her 12 year old (60kg) cousin had hurt her again, the reason she didn't want to tell me was because she was worried that I would tell him off and he would hurt her again. They were playing basket ball and he was too rough and kicked her after punching the ball out of her hand.

Anyway as the kids were trying to what had happened, the mother of his boy (my sister in law) stood next to me  listening. I quickly said to the boy " did you apolise" he said  " yes" , my DD quickly said " no you didn't", so I told the boy in a very calm voice to apolise as you obvious hurt her, and she didn't hear you."
He just sat there and acted dumb. As his mother was standing next to me I whispered to her to calm the situation and just ask him to apolise and it will all be settled. I asked her three times to no avail. She basicly ignored my plea and sat down.

Well you can imagine what happened next!!! I lost it! I turned to her and said your son had hurt my kid (happened heaps of times before and never opened my mouth, b/c didn't want to cause conflict) the least you can do is teach him to say sorry..she repliede " HE DID" i repied " DD didn't hear him!!" and of course I was really angry at this stage and my other sister in law was tring to calming down by saying they are just kids and not to act like this in front of the kids, I told her if my kid had hurt another child ( even by accident ) i would make my child apologis!. My mother in law said "mybe it was an accident", I replied " My DD is the one hurt and crying not your grandson". My hubby helds me and told me don't worry about it and to be the bigger person. I then lost the plot and yelled out " I'M SICK OF BEING THE BIGGER AND BETTER PERSON" . I grap my three children and left.

I am still very shaken up about this still.

What do you think! Has this kind of thing happened to you?

It hasn't happened to me OP. I completely understand your reaction - which was due to keeping it pent up for ages and never discussing it.
Their reaction was p*ss poor imo.
It doesn't matter if it was an 'accident' or not. If they cause injury, they should apologise.

BTW, 12yrs old and 60kg?!  ohmy.gif


Personally, I would suggest that the next time he does something to physically hurt and intimidate her, you skip his parents and deal with him directly. Scare the bejeezus out of him. If it wasn't family*, I would suggest pointing out to him that what he is doing is considered assault and that he is old enough to visit the police station. Might scare him enough to pull his head in.

*Even then, if he was so consistently aggressive and physically abusive, I probably would say it to him anyway.


ETA... Also, OP, as others have pointed out. It is very important that you also teach your DD how to handle situations like this (though she sounds like she is doing the right thing). There are courses like this one for kids http://lifeskillsforkids.net/  or even martial arts for confidence and self defense.

Good luck original.gif

Edited by Cathode, 12 December 2011 - 02:12 PM.


#28 Brighter future

Posted 12 December 2011 - 05:32 PM

QUOTE
My daughter is consently bullied

QUOTE
12 year old (60kg) cousin had hurt her again



Good on you for defending your DD...
A bully is a bully reguardless or not if they are related.....





#29 Gangnam Style

Posted 12 December 2011 - 06:05 PM

...

Edited by Framazon, 29 December 2011 - 04:20 PM.


#30 fr0g

Posted 12 December 2011 - 06:13 PM

QUOTE
What's the big deal about a 12-year-old weighing 60 kilos?


^ ^ shrug.gif ^^ My 10 year old bean pole weighs 40+....  anyway...

I'd be pulling Master Bigshot aside and having a very quiet hiss in his ear about the kind of behaviour you expect from him... if his parents aren't up to taking him to task and your daughter has copped it for 5 years, I'd certainly be letting him know you know what he's up to and to pull his head in.  

If he's big and tough enough to bully a younger girl, he's big enough to cop the wrath of you, OP.  



#31 coconass

Posted 12 December 2011 - 09:14 PM

Thanks for all your replies, some have been a real comfort.

The reason I mentioned his weight is b/c he is a big boy and DD is not even half his size. He also has his black strip in some marial arts. His very rough and strong, I was just trying to relay the size and strengh about him. Please don't get offended, I was just trying to paint the picture.

I am dreading having to face everyone in a few weeks for Christmas.

Jennywin - your post made me cry..lol

#32 qak

Posted 12 December 2011 - 09:37 PM

QUOTE (Framazon @ 12/12/2011, 07:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What's the big deal about a 12-year-old weighing 60 kilos?


OTT but isn't that a lot for a 12-year old? I didn't weigh 60kg until I was about 27 - sad to say, I weigh a lot more now sad.gif


#33 Gangnam Style

Posted 13 December 2011 - 10:16 PM

...

Edited by Framazon, 29 December 2011 - 04:18 PM.


#34 Guest_Rella21and16_*

Posted 13 December 2011 - 10:33 PM

Happened many Christmas's ago and my anger and hurt was that my husband ( at the time ) didn't support me or our child and it was his family. Maybe him not standing up for you and your daughter is adding to the heat. Discuss with him how you expect any future situations to be handled.United.

#35 pinksky

Posted 14 December 2011 - 03:36 PM

OP, don't regret what you did/said....If anything, you should be looking forward to seeing everyone for Christmas this year, bearing in mind that the bully cousin has had his wings clipped by you in front of everyone, and you won't have to worry about him hurting your child. My bet is that he won't lay a finger on your dd for a long time. That is a great outcome.

#36 *Jessica*

Posted 14 December 2011 - 04:32 PM

Oh gosh.
This sounds like it was very much 'the straw that broke the camel's back'
It sounds like this situation has been going on for so long, everyone (including yourself) is a bit shocked at what happened.
But you know what?
Well done!  cclap.gif

Time to start pulling everyone in on the act.
Make sure your daughter knows, REALLY knows that NO-ONE has the right to hurt, bully or intimidate ANYONE.
Start roleplaying with her. How does she want to be treated? How could she respond next time? Who are the best people to approach and HOW should she approach them? (yep, there really are times that you should teach your children to SCREAM at the tops of their lungs. Especially if they are being repetitively hurt by someone they should be able to trust. There are also times when you need to learn to retreat to a safe place. Roleplay, let her work it out) You can't control the way anyone else responds, but you can learn to weigh the odds for the best oucomes.

In the mean time (xx hugs xx)

Look forward to Christmas.


#37 FloralArrangement

Posted 14 December 2011 - 04:53 PM

I agree with role playing, I have done this and do this with my kids. Even putting her hand up up in his face and saying stop very loudly. If this is not working tell her to start yelling loudly. Kids karate has been a wonderful skill for my daughters it is very empowering. He is bullying and that just isn't on. Confronting people is not fun but I honestly feel you did the right thing.

#38 bakesgirls

Posted 14 December 2011 - 05:18 PM

OP, is your husbabnd now backing you up, or is it just you and your daughter that are upset? As it was his family, perhaps they have the attitude that if he is not angry or upset, then they don't need to be.....
I think you were right in getting upset, but should not have done it in front of the kids. Now this kid knows his parents will tolerate his poor behaviour.
Sorry your DD has been subjected to this for so long. Your husband needs to step up and discuss this with his family.

#39 coconass

Posted 15 December 2011 - 09:45 AM

I can't begin to thank you all for your wise words, my heart began to sink after the first two replies - feeling that I was wrong but after reading on my confidence emerged again and I was certain that I had made the right decision - ok maybe my actions weren't  the best, but I can only pray that they got the message. I have also sensed that my DD is more confident and secure knowing that I have her back.

It's reassuring to know that majority of people outside of the picture feel the same way.

Ellaura/Rella: you hit the nail on head - I think I was really down b/c my hubby never told me that he supported my actions, but after speaking to him, he has assured me that I did the right thing by my DD.

I have thought long and hard about Christmas day and have decided that I am going to walk in with my head held high as I believe my role is to protect my kids....I know that someone will ask my something about the incident and tell me that children should sort out their own problems, without the help of adults ( I have heard this a million times) but I am now more adimit than ever that children need guildence on how to respect and treat other people.

Once again - this forum has been therapeutic - THANK YOU.xo

#40 wallofdodo

Posted 15 December 2011 - 09:54 AM

QUOTE (coconass @ 15/12/2011, 10:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have also sensed that my DD is more confident and secure knowing that I have her back.



This is a good result.  When I was bullied at school, this was what made me feel the most alone, that no one was there for me.

Have a great Christmas Day.

#41 bagelbagel81

Posted 15 December 2011 - 11:53 AM

I probably would have done the exact same thing - but it doesn't mean that was the most effective way of dealing with the situation. Sometimes when you are at the end of you tether, that's the only option!

I would take on board some others' advice - if you didn't see it you don't really know the whole story, however I tend to think you have a case of this being a reoccurring incident.
If I felt calm enough I wouldtake teh stance of making the bully responsible for his own actions.
"Did you throw/hit punch whatever?"
"Do you understand that you are a lot larger/bigger than DD?"
"How would you feel if someone punched/hit/did the same thing to you?"
If his mother is standing right there I would have no qualms about undertaking this discussion in front of both of them - as it is non-accusatory, and is basically making him aware you aren't letting him get away with it, but dealing with it in an adult-fashion.

Anyway, that's my 10c

PS. I am glad you feel good about your decidsion now and are not worried about Christmas day- good for you!

#42 julz78

Posted 15 December 2011 - 12:05 PM

This probably won't be popular and its not something out of the book of perfect parenting but I think you need to teach your dd to defend herself. For my kids it has been years of martial arts, if they laid so much as a finger on my kids they would have the bully in an arm lock submitted on the ground begging to let them go. For those that don't have that training their are certain parts of the male anatomy when kicked make them go down like a sack of potatoes. Its not the nicest thing to do but beats being bashed up.

#43 boatiebabe

Posted 15 December 2011 - 12:26 PM

I somewhat understand how you feel, because we had a very similar situation with one of our neighbours.

We were very good friends with the neighbours and I think because of that we sort of overlooked or didn't act on a lot of the really poor and bullying behaviour of one of their children.

We kept thinking - surely they'll pull him up on that, but realised over time that they wouldn't (the dad was better about it, but the mum point blank refused to accept his behaviour and would always turn it around to be the other child's fault). I've realised she's a bit of a bully herself, so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I am really embarassed and disappointed to think of how I let my children down by continuing to socialise with them when we knew they wouldn't act on his violent and bullying ways. We too tried to keep an eagle eye on the kids or keep them close, but the bully child would always lure them away to do his nasty work.

It got to the point where my DH had a huge blow up with the mother. And in the end it was really the mum's fault that her child had turned out they way he had - always excusing and I believe even encouraging his poor behaviour.

It was awful for a while (blow up happened two years ago) because we still live across the road from them, but it has become easier over time, to have very little to do with them. In our quiet street, all the children (approximately 12 children from 3 to 10 years) play together on good weather days (with parental supervision of course) so it is impossible to be completely rid of them, but we have given our children tools to be able to play safely with the bully around.

We have role played with our children, and it works because they have put it into practise a few times. It's good because there are a few 'codes' that the children use with me and I know when to intervene. We also don't have a problem talking directly to the bully child if we see or hear something happening. He's pretty good when we are about now because he knows we are on to him.

And over time, without my DH or I saying anything negative about the boy or family to others, the other parents in the neighbourhood have also in the last year realised how awful a child the bully is and have distanced themselves from the family too. The mum went around to a lot of people in our community saying all kinds of things about by DH (typical bullying behaviour herself!!) making out my DH was the problem - it was pretty awful for a while and we lost some friends but people have been seeking out our friendship and leaving that family well alone.

Our heads are held high because we did nothing wrong, except for not putting a stop to it earlier!

You should go to Christmas with your head held high, and put it on the table when you walk in that you won't tolerate bullying or violence against your children and be prepared if it happens and no one does anything to LEAVE. You owe it to your children to protect them first. The feelings of the complicit adults can go jump!

Good luck.

#44 pinksky

Posted 15 December 2011 - 03:15 PM

Boatiebabe....I know what you mean about wishing you'd acted sooner. I've been there, but console myself with the sentiment "Better late than never".

#45 peaches2007

Posted 25 February 2012 - 06:23 PM

I know this was posted a while ago but it made me think I would be really upset too... at the mother. Her "HE DID" sounds narky. Or did she say it differently? Cant really tell. I know that if my child hurt anyone I would make the most to make sure the hurt child and parents recived a heard appology and understood that I as a parent would do my duty and speak to my child, weather it was an accident or not. I was severly bullied as a child and it traumatised me in a way that effected my personality for many many years. Make sure to give your little princess heaps of support & understanding. Try and let her know that you understand how she feels and that you will always be there for her and help her. Try and also get her to learn to stand up for her self. Karate class maybe?...lol... Trust me, looking back I truly wish I had the skill and I'm sure if a 60kg boy is pushing her around... he should be able to take what he gives. I'm not trying to encourage violence in your daughter but its good to know if she ever gets badly attacked one day, God forbid.. she may one day truly need to be able to stick up for her self. It may also help with her confidence in these situations and jst overall.
Good luck!


#46 tres-chic

Posted 25 February 2012 - 06:31 PM

I'm with you OP. Parents are supposed to teach their children right from wrong, how to behave properly, etc. Not just shrug poor behaviour off. Noone likes seeing their kids hurt.

#47 BlondieUK

Posted 25 February 2012 - 06:34 PM

I was constantly bullied by my cousins - mostly boys, egged on by one particularly nasty female. The parents' response was that children are like wild dogs - you just have to give them free reign and everything will be ok.  ohmy.gif

Some people are just stupid. Stupid and mean.

#48 loulou1976

Posted 16 March 2012 - 07:54 PM

QUOTE (coconass @ 12/12/2011, 01:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was having a lovely day yesterday at my in laws, until I saw my 9 year old DD crying. I hurried to her and asked her what had happened, she was a bit hestitant in telling me her 12 year old (60kg) cousin had hurt her again, the reason she didn't want to tell me was because she was worried that I would tell him off and he would hurt her again. They were playing basket ball and he was too rough and kicked her after punching the ball out of her hand.

Anyway as the kids were trying to what had happened, the mother of his boy (my sister in law) stood next to me  listening. I quickly said to the boy " did you apolise" he said  " yes" , my DD quickly said " no you didn't", so I told the boy in a very calm voice to apolise as you obvious hurt her, and she didn't hear you."
He just sat there and acted dumb. As his mother was standing next to me I whispered to her to calm the situation and just ask him to apolise and it will all be settled. I asked her three times to no avail. She basicly ignored my plea and sat down.

Well you can imagine what happened next!!! I lost it! I turned to her and said your son had hurt my kid (happened heaps of times before and never opened my mouth, b/c didn't want to cause conflict) the least you can do is teach him to say sorry..she repliede " HE DID" i repied " DD didn't hear him!!" and of course I was really angry at this stage and my other sister in law was tring to calming down by saying they are just kids and not to act like this in front of the kids, I told her if my kid had hurt another child ( even by accident ) i would make my child apologis!. My mother in law said "mybe it was an accident", I replied " My DD is the one hurt and crying not your grandson". My hubby helds me and told me don't worry about it and to be the bigger person. I then lost the plot and yelled out " I'M SICK OF BEING THE BIGGER AND BETTER PERSON" . I grap my three children and left.

I am still very shaken up about this still.

What do you think! Has this kind of thing happened to you?



#49 loulou1976

Posted 16 March 2012 - 08:06 PM

Take the reigns yourself I say! You are the much bigger person in all of this.

I was bullied at school but not in a verbal or physically way it was more isolating me, not including me, whispering behind my back etc...

Sometimes the parents are worse than the child. My friends 5 year old daughter is very bossy to my 4 year old. The other day I confronted the 5 year after my 4 year old was in tears. In front of the mother, my child and the bossy child I said in a loud, stern voice, "I won't have that behaviour, if you cannot be nice, learn to play nice with my daughter we will leave and you will not be able to play with my daughter again." My friend was a bit shocked and didn't say anything. Her daughter changed.
I had to let all know that her behaviour was not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

Any parent that allows their child to bully or bossy is a child you do not want your child to play with. You need to tell your child that those sorts of people in this world are not at our standard of respect.

If your sister in law has any love for your daughter (or you) she would apologise, make her son apologise and if it was me, I would make my 12 year old son wash your car!

#50 coconass

Posted 08 May 2012 - 07:10 PM

I just thought to check this post...wow I can't believe the amount of people that bulling effects. I'm standing tall and proud of my action even though they may have been a little over the top, but at the end of the day my kids come 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

We don't have much to do with my DD cousins anymore, Dh and I have made the choices to minimise that contact. I can't believe what a difference it has made to my children, DD is confident and excelling, DD never ask to see them and if she's in their company doesn't give him the time of day ( this is not from me telling her either).

On the other hand, I have lost contact with my sisters in laws that I was very close with, I have  distanced myself from them as I find it hard to be around people that don't care. There are some days were I'm upset about this, as I was quiet close with two of them( know them for over 20 years), but at the end of the day if they can't pick up the phone and ask if i'm ok, then it's not worth me being upset about( thats what I keep telling myself), it was out of character for me to react like this, and God forbid I was having a nervous break down or something, you would think someone would call.

Overall I am quiet content and have made heaps of new friends and am loving it.




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