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When Breastfeeding hasn't worked- A place for sharing and support

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#1 lucky 2

Posted 27 December 2011 - 12:03 AM

Hello original.gif ,

This pinned thread is intended to be a safe space for members to share their experiences and feelings when breast feeding hasn't worked for whatever reason.

This could be an ongoing thread in this forum or moved to the EB Buddy Group area?
Perhaps we could see how it goes and take it from there.

It isn't intended for this thread to be a venue for divisive debates on breast feeding or formula feeding and it will be moderated if needed to keep the peace.

Please post in the forum itself if you wish to seek support with breast feeding problems, concerns and questions.

Feel free to contact me via the PM System if you have any queries or feedback.

Kind Regards,

lucky 2
Moderator of the Breast feeding forum

The link above is to the ABA website and addresses the topic of "when breast feeding doesn't work out".

Edited by lucky 2, 11 March 2012 - 07:57 PM.

#2 Liadan

Posted 27 December 2011 - 12:49 AM

Thank you. I think this is a much needed space.

If I remember, I'll share my story some time tomorrow, when I'm more awake.

#3 Guest_- beach_baby -_*

Posted 27 December 2011 - 11:09 AM

What a great idea and very much needed.

I took me a very long time to get over note being able to breastfeed. The guilt and the jelousy I felt went on for months.

I think a buddy group is a great idea.

#4 mypigeonpair01

Posted 27 December 2011 - 11:27 AM

Imam also one who beat myself up for ages over not being able to BF DS or DD. DS I comp fed after it took my milk ages to come in & he was dehydrated and listless. We went home comping & first time parents and knowing so little with little BF support we lasted about 3 weeks sad.gif
With DD, it was easier but her reflux, refusal and  constant screaming I just couldn't manage to keep going. I often wondered if I might have persisted if her reflux could have been less severe. I'd love for DH to agree to another baby as I feel far more knowledgeable now and I also have EB to refer to! Hell will probably freeze over though  sad.gif

Using phone so please excuse typo's

#5 noonehere

Posted 27 December 2011 - 11:32 AM

Mind if I join?

Dd was born by emergency csection after a long labour.
From day one I had nothing but issues first from the drugs and her being sleepy (we tried everything to not have a csection) when she first latched on it was pure pain and then screaming from her. She ended up with formula top up after trying for what felt like ages with multiple mideys.
I managed the first week with no more top ups and pumping to get milk up.
After a week of bleeding and razors I got some shields and started expressing so I could have a break I was able to get enough to not need formula.
At six weeks I got my stitches out and a infection was found and antibiotics was needed.
Four doses later my milk was nearly all gone, we switched to formula permantly.
The relief and guilt I felt at the same time was horrible, I was then diagnosed with pnd.

Anyways that my short version. :-)

#6 Guest_Padmé Amidala_*

Posted 27 December 2011 - 11:33 AM

What a fantastic idea. original.gif

(will come back and read/post my story with DD1 later... I 'BF' her but not as long or successfully as I'd have liked - does that count?)

Edited by Padmé Amidala, 27 December 2011 - 11:36 AM.

#7 lucky 2

Posted 27 December 2011 - 12:44 PM

QUOTE (Padmé Amidala @ 27/12/2011, 12:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What a fantastic idea. original.gif

(will come back and read/post my story with DD1 later... I 'BF' her but not as long or successfully as I'd have liked - does that count?)

I don't see why not Padme, make use of this space how ever you wish, it is for you to have an opportunity to safely talk about disappointing or perhaps even traumatic breastfeeding related experiences.
Let's just see what becomes of it and reassess as we go along.


lucky 2

#8 ~A Poetic Winter~

Posted 27 December 2011 - 12:58 PM

Great idea.

I stopped BFing at about 3 weeks with DS for a whole host of reasons. Once we left hospital his latch was not good (mild tongue tie) at he would pull on and off a lot and fuss about it stressed me so much. I had plenty of milk but I was overwhelmed with the stress of trying to get him to latch on properly and stay on, it was painful, how long I was meant to feed him, sides, I had to have him in a damn football hold, everything was just such an unknown. I was also overwhelmed by the responsibility of me being the only one able to feed him and it scared me.

I started to comp feed him thinking I wasn't doing a good job ( I wasn't) and that made the fussiness on the breast worse until I conceded defeat. I also did not enjoy BFing him at all despite me being very pro BFing.

I'm expecting my second baby in May and hope we do better this time.

Edited by twoformee, 27 December 2011 - 12:59 PM.

#9 Liadan

Posted 28 December 2011 - 10:03 PM

Sharing my BF story.

DD was born shortly before midnight on 15/10/10. While in hospital she was latching well, it took me a little while to figure out a good position to hold her in (ended up using the football hold). We were released from hospital on the morning of Monday the 18th. We had a good day/night that night.

Tuesday was another good day, followed by a horror of a night, DD wouldn't settle, I was exhausted and spent much of the night feeding her. Unfortunately in my exhausted state, I wasn't ensuring that she was attached properly. I woke up Wednesday morning with my left nipple VERY damaged.

DD was weighed, and had good weight gain in the two days that we were at home. Due to my damaged nipples, and being unable to offer her the boob for comfort, we offered her a dummy, which she took. I remember sitting there, trying to feed her. Her screaming, wanting to be fed, me in tears, knowing how much it was going to hurt. It would take me a good 15 minutes to psych myself up enough to let her latch. It's like... deliberately standing on a nail, stabbing yourself in the foot. After the initial attachment, it was fine.

After a couple of days the pain was more bearable. And we were back to breastfeeding well, at least, I thought we were.

The CHN's weren't happy with her weight gain. It was minimal, and she was slowly dropping in the chart centiles for her weight. Her length and HC growth was fine.

I tried pumping, but was getting very little, I was taking fenugreek, which helped initially. Christmas was fast approaching, and I had decided to see my doctor shortly after Christmas to get a script for motilium.

We had a CHN visit on Christmas eve, DD had lost 50g in a week, I was starting to see some signs that she was getting dehydrated, even though I was feeding her frequently. Christmas Eve she had her first top up of formula, she was 10 weeks old.

We pushed on with breastfeeding, I would offer her the breast before each formula top up, this lasted for another few months, and then she started refusing the breast. By the time she was 6 months old, she would refuse the breast unless she had just woken, and was still drowsy. Our last feed was shortly after she turned 7 months. She was refusing the breast, even immediately after waking.

I still miss breastfeeding, I still, at times, feel like a failure.

#10 RubyTuesday76

Posted 28 December 2011 - 10:17 PM

Fantastic idea for a BG!  I will def share my story very soon!

#11 ~Panda~

Posted 29 December 2011 - 02:15 AM

Thank you for starting this group!

I was only able to BF for 4-5 weeks (and I'm amazed I lasted that long) and I'm feeling so much sadness and guilt over not BFing anymore. It's something I always wanted to do and I saw an expensive LC, had about 5-6 midwives try and help etc.

My nipples are almost inverted and I was told by a few MWs that I'd find it difficult to feed. It didn't help that DS was not interested in latching on properly and was extremely lazy.

I tried so many things. Nipple shields, different positions, expressing a little before latching him on, etc. I ended up with deep cracks, blood in milk, bruised blue nipples, screaming through feeds, mastitis, blocked ducts, etc.

I tried expressing but my supply dropped. So I started expressing every 2-3 hours to get my supply up. By the time I'd fed him, changed him, played then settled DS, then expressed, he was awake again so I was getting pretty much no sleep and crying so much.

When I go to Mother's Group and see everyone BFing, I feel so jealous and feel as though it must seem to them that I don't love my child as much as they love theirs. I've often cried in the car on the way home because I'm do envious and feel as though they are better than me and I am inferior.

#12 jerseygirl

Posted 20 January 2012 - 10:38 AM

Oh wow this is great!  I have a long history of BFF (breastfeeding failure) My first child in 2006 I fed for probably no more than 6 weeks and that was mainly formula.  I found I did not have a good milk supply and I didn't think she was getting enough. I'd express and barely get anything out.  She did a lot better on formula than my feeding her.  It took me a good 6 months to get over the fact I could not feed.  I hated going into the parents room and seeing these mothers easily (as it seemed) wack a breast out and here I am sitting there with a bottle.  I felt so guilty and horrible.  I tried hard but felt I couldn't do it.

I had my 2nd baby in 2008, and although she was latching better, it was my milk supply again that was the issue.  I also ended up with mastitis and an infection in my mouth where I could not give her my milk, and just expressing wasn't enough to keep up the supply, so I failed for a 2nd time.

I am now 18 weeks preg, and really hope that everything goes to plan and that I can BF successfully this time.  I will try again, and am thinking that I will make sure I feed the bub every 2 - 3 hours for the first few days to see if I can get my milk supply to come in and establish.  Heaven help me!

#13 splatthecat

Posted 18 February 2012 - 05:43 PM

My son was born by emergency C-section because he was trying to come out face first! He then got stuck and wasn't breathing when delivered and so intubated and in ICU. The night nurse (weekend) was "too busy" to help me express and refused to take me to ICU to see my son for the first time. Eventually I chucked a wobbly (literally because had a spinal and couldn't really walk and said would crawl to ICU if I had too). End result of all this was we had a rocky start to breastfeeding.
When he kept losing weight i tried expressing after every feed and giving it with the next feed. After 10 days and still losing weight the paediatrician took him out of my hands and gave him formula. I persisted with the breastfeeding, expressing and then top up with first expressed breast milk and then formula. I took motilium by the bucket load. I had his tongue tie clipped. I cried and I cried.
Not being able to breastfeed fully felt worse than the birth. Everywhere I looked was advise that breast was best, and it made me cry.
When my son was 8 weeks old I looked at him smile and fell in love with him for the first time and realised it didn't matter how I fed him, he was happy and thriving.
I cut back on the motilium, I started the minipill, I did all the things that were supposed to stop my breast milk and I was happy with where I was.
My son is now 8 months old, we have been fully breastfeeding since starting solids BUT IT DOESNT MATTER, I would be just as happy if he was on formula, I am just lazy and hate sterilising stuff.
Whatever you choose, whatever life chooses for you, remember at the end of the day you have a child that you love unconditionally and that is what really matters

#14 Taffatups

Posted 18 February 2012 - 06:56 PM

My DD was born vaginally and the only thing out of the ordinary was the forceps as she was coming too fast and so there was swelling. I had been expressing colostrum prior to giving birth as I had been advised to at a BF class but even then my supply hadn't been increasing. When my milk came in DD was extremely unsettled and not weeing or putting on weight, although no probs latching. By day 5 we realised my supply wasn't anywhere near enough and we started formula to top up (bul of the feed actually).

Now at 10 weeks tomorrow, DD is still being BF at each feed but I only produce 20-30 mLs and that is after trying pumping, motilium, maxalon, and offering the boob at every feed. She is just getting over the flu and I think that may have killed BF because now she is not always staying latched and whilst she was sick the BF was happening sporadically.

In some ways I feel relieved because it means DH can help with feeds a it more (which he is okay with) but I do feel sad that I will be missing that special bonding time, even if it was only 5 mins per feed.

#15 Zeppelina

Posted 19 February 2012 - 10:18 PM

I am so grateful for this thread and to all of you for sharing your stories. It helps to know that you're not the only one out there. I'll be back to post my story when it's not 11.30pm and I'm not using toothpicks to keep my eyes open.

#16 thelms

Posted 22 March 2012 - 06:37 PM

I have been going over and over in my head where we went wrong with breastfeeding, I really need to share my story.

DD is 12 weeks, born 26/12/11. She is my third baby and I breastfed the first two for 8 months with very little difficulty. She fed perfectly from her first feed minutes after birth, I needed no assistance in hospital and she actually surprised the paediatrician and lost no weight during our 4 night stay. I left feeling really confident and happy.

The fussing started around 3 weeks old, feeding became very stressful as she pulled on and off appearing frustrated, hungry and upset. 6 week check up with the paediatrician and he is not happy with her weight gain. By 7 weeks she was completely refusing to breastfeed and wouldn't take a bottle of EBM or formula. She screamed day and night. After seeing several clinic nurses, paediatricians, gp etc we got an urgent referral to Tresillian. They were amazing, they worked so hard to get her breastfeeding again. It was suspected that she had reflux (hard to diagnose as she wasn't vomiting but she wasn't feeding to have something to vomit). We started offering thickener and a comp bottle of EBM and she was actually feeding. Every breastfeed was a struggle but once she got going she did really well. I had so many highs and lows, we would have a great feed, then a crap one, there was no consistency. With two other children at home, I just didn't have the time to keep trying to breastfeed, express and bottle feed, sterilise etc.

Just this week after seeing the clinic nurse she suggested one last attempt to get her breastfeeding by stopping all bottles and letting her get hungry (her weight is great now). I tried this yesterday and today and she has fed off one side but mostly over night, she is refusing the other side. During the day, if she is happy she will suck a little sometimes long enough to get the let down but usually not. If she is hungry, she gets so upset and refuses to attach.

I am so disappointed. Not at her and not at myself, I know we have exhausted every avenue. She is my last baby and I truly enjoy breastfeeding. I am grateful that she is healthy and is taking the bottle perfectly and growing really well now but I am having so much trouble moving past this and I don't know why. I plan to keep expressing as much and for as long as possible. I figure the cost of pump hire is the same as formula.

Does anyone have any suggestions on moving forward? or will it just take time?

#17 Liv_DrSperm_sh

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:02 AM

What a fantastic idea for a group! Thank you so much for starting it up!

My BF story follows the usual theme...

I really REALLY wanted to BF, was completely convinced that I would be able to do it etc etc.

But the twins birth was horrific, they were in SCBU, DD had serious problems latching, DS would spend hours upon hours on the breast....trying to get both of them fed was beyond a nightmare.

The thing that really broke the camels back was the leg paralysis. My sciatic nerve got crushed during labour. My leg was completely paralysed for a week and partially paralysed for a month (three years on and it's still numb). The pain was incredible, it was constant, nagging, excrutiating neuropathic pain. It made sitting for long periods (BFing) agony and having two babies gnawing on your breasts while experiencing this pain was awful.

I carried on like this for 8 weeks....8 weeks of sheer hell where I hated every second of being a mum...until my consultant saw me at the hospital and told me to stop.

That day was amazing...the sense of relief I had when I didn't have to sit for 4 hours with twins alternating screaming for food!

I expressed milk for them for 6 months, but they were only getting a bottle a day from me.

I felt tremendously guilty about it, the birth was horrible, they needed special care and now I'd also failed at feeding them.

Now though, seeing my thriving, happy twins....the guilt is gone!

#18 PurpleNess

Posted 23 March 2012 - 10:19 AM

Fab idea , thanks, it's just nice to know you're not alone and to have a place to share stories.

I was determined to breastfeed and after a wonderful pregnancy and beautiful, perfect natural birth I thought everything would fall into place - how wrong I was.

DS was a small 6 pd at birth and whilst he crawled to the breast & latched on quickly after birth that was about the sum of it. His mouth was so small and I have wide nipples he just couldn't latch properly. So I expressed colostrum & we finger fed him through a syringe. On day 4 we went to the breast feeding clinic & was told he had a severe tongue tie, day 9 we had it snipped. I started using a nipple shield which he fed through but he has to work so hard just to get a few mls it was exhausting him. He was a very sleepy baby.
He lost a lot of weight in the first week so we were on a 3 hrly fed schedule 24/7. By this stage my milk had come in. Our routine was :
Try to feed using shield for about half an hr, he's usually fall asleep .
Then comp feed with EBM
Get on the pump again for up to an hr just to get enough for the next feed.
This went on 24/7 for 6 weeks at which point I started to lose my marbles due to lack of sleep and the emotional roller coaster. His attachment was not improving & my supply was very erratic. One morning I woke up with no milk at all & nothing to feed him, in a panic I called the help line and we agreed to offer formula rather than starve him in the hope my supply would come back. I got fenegreek & started that.
After many tears & discussions with my DH, mum, friends, lactation consultant we decided that a happy mum is better for all so I reduced my expressing down to days only & formula fed at night, he was used to the bottle so no probs at all.

Finally after 3 months I'd had enough of expressing, it was interfering with my enjoyment of my son and daily life so I chucked it in & he is now 100% formula fed & growing very very well, he's now 6kg and a happy adorable boy.

I still have days when I wish I stuck it out but in reality I think I was heading for PND withthe stress of it all. In my head I know I did the right thing for all of us but my heart still pines after that missed opportunity.

thanks everyone for your stories & all the best xx

Edited by PurpleNess, 23 March 2012 - 10:21 AM.

#19 TardisAngels

Posted 24 March 2012 - 01:49 PM

Thought I would add my story here as it looks like my DS and I are headed down the path of stopping breastfeeding due to nipple pain and an inability of anyone to be able to help us sad.gif

My breastfeeding story is a little different to everyone else's here and I think that is why I'm still struggling with my decision to wean or not. I have really good supply, my son is gaining weight and feeds well - the problem is he has an uncoordinated suck and poor attachment where he doesn't bring his tongue forward over his bottom gum and so breastfeeding has on and off been a painful experience for me as my nipples can be in agony from feeding. I am fortunate (in a way) that I haven't suffered from cracked or bleeding nipples, from blocked ducts or mastitis, but I have suffered pain in many feeds (lately every feed) since my son was 2.5 weeks old. He is 20 weeks old now and I have been feeding in pain for 18-ish weeks now - a great achievement even if at times it probably makes me seem like a martyr.

I'm sitting here in tears as I write this coz part of me wishes that things could be different and I could breast feed my son pain free, but it looks like I can't. I have seen many early childhood nurses, a speech pathologist, a lactation consultant and am seeing a osteopath and everyone says that maybe he will grow out of it and maybe even if things could change he just doesn't have any incentive to change how he feeds as he gets all the milk he wants and it doesn't hurt or bother him. I always wanted to breastfeed and I know that I should be proud that I still am but it is so hard knowing that it's very likely I will be giving up breastfeeding because it isn't the best thing for me, not because it isn't the best thing for my son.

I've started on the regular 4-hourly panadol again and also started to try and express again as well. Though I'm not having much luck with the expressing at the moment, partly because I stopped expressing a while ago because it just became too much effort and I was still able to breastfeed ok and partly because my son is feeding up to 8 times a day (having a bit of a "4 month sleep regression" and needing to feed lots) and my breasts are still only adjusting to that (up from the normal 6 times) and so adding a "9th feed" is a bit tricky. If worse comes to worse, I will try weaning him onto formula for one feed then expressing that one and then see if I can replace two feeds a day (one with EBM and one with formula) and try going from there. It also doesn't help that I suffer a little from nipple vasospams too (caused by my son's poor latch we think) and so expressing is not pain-free either (and my poor nipples go a lovely shade of purple sad.gif )

Everyone says I should be proud of how long I've kept this up, but I don't feel proud - just sad that things couldn't be different. Hopefully when I've made a decision to wean I'll be able to look back and know that I did everything I could for me and my son and that 4.5 months plus of breastfeeding is fantastic when "every drop counts" (I love that slogan, it should so be adopted so that mums like us who have to formula feed but did do some breastfeeding don't feel so bad original.gif).

While it sucks that we are all in this position - it's nice to know there are others out there who know how I feel. Even if our stories aren't the same, we share the pain that is breastfeeding that just doesn't work out...

Edited - fixed the funny stuff going on

Edited by *~*MagicHour*~*, 05 April 2012 - 07:10 PM.

#20 RubyTuesday76

Posted 30 March 2012 - 11:24 AM

Panda! I too am very jealous of mums that find it so easy to bf! I sometimes still feel like I failed my son, even though truly this is not the case!

I am also so sick of the judgement calls from those that do bf & insist that I should have persisted!  Oh if they only knew! sad.gif

#21 mumandboys

Posted 30 March 2012 - 11:46 AM

Hi everyone,

Although I'm not sure I belong in here as my BF days are over now, I thought I would share my experiences with BF, which have been mixed.

I gave up BF my 4th son after 5 weeks of pain and frustration.  

After successfully feeding 3 previous children, and knowing DS4 was my last, it was extremely upsetting and difficult to make the decision to stop trying.

I copped alot of judgement from people who thought that I must be too lazy to feed my 4th.  Not having had any real issues with feeding before, I was surprised and very disappointed that I couldn't feed him.  For me it was all about the nipples, they were shredded by the end, and even moving was painful.  I couldn't stand the thought of feeding him, which is horrible in itself.

I tried to express but by that time, even expressing was excruciating and as we all know with a newborn, there's hardly any time to give your body a rest between feeds.

After switching to formula life went back to normal and my family and I were able to get on with enjoying our newborn.

I think this thread is a great idea!

#22 Fright bat

Posted 30 March 2012 - 12:55 PM

As a 'failed' breastfeeder, I think this forum is great. I was told repeatedly after DS was born that I was clearly a 'natural' at breastfeeding because he just latched on and off he went. I had grazed and cracked nipples within days but multiple midwives and LCs kept saying that was 'normal' and to press on. My nipples got so grazed they scabbed over and I had to pick the scabs off so milk would flow - apparently this would 'get better with time. I hated DS. I hated holding him, I dreaded when he would get hungry because the pain was toe curlingly awful. I called my MCHN who said to put lanolin and silicone pads on them. It didn't help. I called the ABA and was told not to use nipple shields under any circumstance as it would cause 'nipple confusion'. I was lectured about the benefits of breastfeeding and told if I just tried hard enough, it would work, and it would help me bond with my baby. I called my MCHN again who told me to express then feed EBM until my nipples healed. I did, doubling the time it took to feed DS. My nipples healed. I went to see an LCD to start over with healed nipples. She told me my attachment was 'perfect'. Two days later they were cracked and toe curlingly painful.

At four weeks, DH found me on the floor, sobbing in pain as I tried to feed DS. 'I wish we never had him, I hate him' I sobbed. DH took him away. I told him not to, DS was still hungry. He told me to be quiet and go have a shower, and he'd sort it out. Half an hour later, I came down from my shower to find my angelic husband had went and bought a tin of formula, sterilised some bottles and fed DS who was blissfully falling asleep. That was the end of breastfeeding for me, and the start of my actually liking and bonding with my baby. People have flamed my husband for 'ruining' my breastfeeding relationship. He didn't; I had no breastfeeding 'relationship', I had this thing that I despised that no one else had given me any solution to. I needed my husband to give me permission to stop torturing myself, and I'm grateful he did.

I'd like to feed my next baby due in two weeks. I've done my research and gone to classes. I've asked lots of peope lots of questions. I still don't know why I had such issues when multiple experts told me I had 'perfect' attachment. What I have learnt though is that I shouldn't accept 'nothing is wrong' when it clearly is. And that my now 2.5 year old is healthy and happy despite formula. He wasn't more sick, he disn't get eczema, and I haven't gotten breast cancer. Just because I didn't breastfeed him. And my husband has given me an enormous amount of support to try again, but also given me permission to fail again.

I will not judge my ability to be a good mother on my ability to breastfeed, because that's ridiculous.

#23 TardisAngels

Posted 30 March 2012 - 01:44 PM

QUOTE (MsN @ 30/03/2012, 01:55 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being a happy mum with a well fed baby is, no matter what the means.

I just had to single that quote out because in essence that is what I need to remind myself of over the coming weeks as I wean my baby off breastfeeding and onto formula because I have been feeding him in pain over the last 5 months. I will be a much happier mum not dreading feeds and wishing they would be over already and my son will still be well fed original.gif

Thanks MsN original.gif (even though I do know I wasn't your intended audience!)

#24 CG123

Posted 30 March 2012 - 03:03 PM

I've read most of the stories in this thread and I'm now in tears (could be the pregnancy hormones?!). It's so nice to hear that I am not a bad mother for being unable to BF my DS. He is now 20 months and happy, healthy, smart, funny, loving... despite being FF from almost day dot.

So here's my story... I had a trouble free pregnancy with DS. Everything was textbook perfect, apart from a couple of fainting spells (which all funnily enough occurred while attending my doctor visits). I have been a fainter since way back, so wasn't overly alarmed by this.

I was induced on a Friday at 41+2 weeks and was GBS+ so was hooked up to all sorts of medication, which meant an active labour was out of the question. After a 20 hour labour, DS was finally born at 1:52 am. Unfortunately I was given pretty much every intervention known to man, bar having a C-section. During his birth and then again later that morning I hemorrhaged.

Becasue of this I was hooked up to an IV. I felt so weaked and had already started to feel like a failure as a mother, as I couldn't even hold my son without someone supporting me incase my arms gave way and I dropped him. I was bedridden for the majority of my 5 day hospital stay. I could barely walk as my legs were so weak. I cried while my husband changed his first nappy and gave him his first bath. Everytime DS woke we would try him on the breast. He would latch and happily suck. I was showered by a midwife each day and encouraged to try and wee whilst in there. Nothing! Each night I was catherdised and needed the help of a midwife to roll over.

My bloods were taken and the results were not good. Two days after my son was born I was given a blood transfusion, which meant another day lying in bed. The only time I was allowed out of bed was to use the bathroom, not that I was actually able to do anything. That night I was taken to have a bath and once again, encouraged to wee while in there. Nope, nothing! We were putting DS to the breast as often as we could. He was content sucking away, even though he was getting nothing. Each time a midwife came in (which was at least hourly to check my temps), she would ask if my milk had come in. I would always answer, "I don't know" to which they would respond with, "When it comes in you will know".

On Tuesday morning I slowly made my way to the toilet as I did each morning, and again was unsuccessful. I was going insane at this point and wondered if it was all in my head. I remember asking if I needed a psych consult. I was then given a shower and left to get myself dressed. I had been told that I had a hemorrhoid and was asked to apply some cream to the area. When I looked down there I noticed something hanging out of me. To this day I don't really know why, but I touched it and kind of gave it a bit of a pull?!? Within seconds a masiive football sized clot came gushing out!!! I screamed for my husband and pushed the call button. I felt instant relief, and wouldn't you know it... I could wee again. Never in my life would I have thought I would be happy that I had pee running down my leg!!! (and what I thought was the call button, was actually the code blue button. Within seconds I had about twenty hospital staff in my room with the crash cart- staring at half-naked me!)

Needless to say, I felt 100x better, although I was still unable to BF. Turns out my body was too traumatised and never produced milk.

I was the only mother in my mothers' group to FF and always felt really guilty that I had failed to give my son the nutrients that he required. I also felt helpless as the decision had been taken away from me. But in saying that, I honestly don't think our ability to bond was affected at all. And I was thankful that the responsibility to feed DS was not solely on me.

Now here I am pregnant again and scared as hell (but that's for another thread). I hope things go very differentlt this time around and I am able to BF this bub. But if I can't, I def won't beat myself up over it.

If you got this far, thank-you for reading and good luck on your journey hheart.gif

#25 alyssatahli

Posted 30 March 2012 - 03:23 PM

I just wanted to pop in and offer a bit of support. I have a similar story with DD1, despite my best intentions I left hospital bottle feeding and was so disappointed, developed PND etc.

Second baby I successfully breast fed for almost 2 years. Just because you have a bad experience doesn't mean you should feel bad or that you won't have a better one next time.

It's just circumstance and sometimes can't be helped. If you put my girls together now you can't tell which one was breast fed for 2 years and which was only 2 days. In fact my 2 day breast feeder is my mosy healthy now, she's rarely sick and my other DD catches every cold going around.

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Essential Baby and Essential Kids is the place to find parenting information and parenting support relating to conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids, maternity, family budgeting, family travel, nutrition and wellbeing, family entertainment, kids entertainment, tips for the family home, child-friendly recipes and parenting. Try our pregnancy due date calculator to determine your due date, or our ovulation calculator to predict ovulation and your fertile period. Our pregnancy week by week guide shows your baby's stages of development. Access our very active mum's discussion groups in the Essential Baby forums or the Essential Kids forums to talk to mums about conception, pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers, kids and parenting lifestyle. Essential Baby also offers a baby names database of more than 22,000 baby names, popular baby names, boys' names, girls' names and baby names advice in our baby names forum. Essential Kids features a range of free printable worksheets for kids from preschool years through to primary school years. For the latest baby clothes, maternity clothes, maternity accessories, toddler products, kids toys and kids clothing, breastfeeding and other parenting resources, check out Essential Baby and Essential Kids.