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What will you do if your kid was wrongly told off by an adult in public place


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#1 tempura

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:10 PM

Hi,
Was at the shopping centre with my 4 year old DS and he wandered off to a lolly grabber machine.  He was standing beside and watching an old man who playing with the machine.  I vaguedly heard the old man said "Go away".  As I wasn't sure that's what I heard and didn't want to create a scene, I ask my son to come with me and leave the person alone.

On the hind sight, I am really upset with myself for not standing up for my son and condone such behaviour.  DS wasn't upset or anything.  But maybe I should have asked for an apology or teach my son that is not appropriate for an adult to say. However, challenging the person may trigger an argument.

What would you do if you suspect someone has wrongly told your kid off in public?

Regards
Tempura

Edited by tempura, 04 April 2012 - 12:18 PM.


#2 CountryFeral

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:17 PM

Does that actually come under the heading of 'telling off'?

I would take that as someone telling you to 'go away'?

I would use it as an opportunity to let my not upset son to realise that sometime people aren't interested in your company?

#3 follies

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:18 PM

You do not know what potential problems that man may have, he could be autistic, have dementia or a different issue that could affect behaviour.

He could also be an assh*le but you never know.

Ask your four year old what they said to each other and explain that just because he is an adult, it does not give him the right to be mean.

#4 paddyboo

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:19 PM

Personally I would have just walked away. Its not like he was yelling at him shrug.gif

#5 Mrs Flanders

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:22 PM

I have to agree with PPs. It's probably a good opportunity to teach your son that not everyone is going to be nice in life, and when people are grumpy like that you can just shrug your shoulders and laugh.

#6 Mrs Dinosaurus

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:23 PM

No drama; rude and an opportunity to explain others can be rude (and why it's not ok) but I wouldn't do more than that.

Depends on how close he was too - if I was trying to fix or get a lolly out of a machine and a small child was breathing down my neck I would get annoyed after a while that his carer hadn't asked him to wait his turn (although i wouldn't tell him to go away or in fact say anything, but personal space can be an issue for small kids especially where lollies are involved).


#7 Guest_Cathode_*

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:26 PM

It isn't telling them off.
Telling them off would be "you are being a complete pain in the ass, go the hell away"

If your son wasn't upset, then there is no need to confront anyone.

If he had been more vocal and had upset the child? yes. He should have been torn a new one imo.

I imagine that he just wanted some privacy while farting around with his wallet/money/candy machine?


#8 tempura

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:32 PM

QUOTE (follies @ 04/04/2012, 12:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You do not know what potential problems that man may have, he could be autistic, have dementia or a different issue that could affect behaviour.

He could also be an assh*le but you never know.

Ask your four year old what they said to each other and explain that just because he is an adult, it does not give him the right to be mean.


Yes. I do try to think of that perspective thus decided to walk away rather than to challenge. But  .... ....the old man was pushing a stroller with a baby (assuming grandchild).  So what sort of values will he passed on to the younger generation?  I wonder.

What if the same thing happen when my son is older , felt wronged and internalise those feelings?  As a mum, I always try to teach him to stand up for himself and have zero tolerance for bullying.  How do I teach him to react to such situation when the aggressor is an adult?

Regards
Tempura



#9 bakesferalgirls

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:37 PM

I wouldn't consider it a telling off. I would consider it (if it was me and my child) that the person found my childs presence annoying. Not everyone like kids. Some only tolerate kids that they have a relationship to such as their own child, grandchild, nephew etc.

FWIW, I've told random kids to go away before, to go back to their parents.

Edited by bakesgirls, 04 April 2012 - 12:45 PM.


#10 Aribika

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:37 PM

I think it was a good opportunity for your son to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and that the old man didn't want him standing there.
No big deal.  Go about your day.

Lorraine

#11 unicorn

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:39 PM

QUOTE (tempura @ 04/04/2012, 12:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hi,
Was at the shopping centre with my 4 year old DS and he wandered off to a lolly grabber machine.  He was standing beside and watching an old man who playing with the machine.  I vaguedly heard the old man said "Go away".  As I wasn't sure that's what I heard and didn't want to create a scene, I ask my son to come with me and leave the person alone.

On the hind sight, I am really upset with myself for not standing up for my son and condone such behaviour.  DS wasn't upset or anything.  But maybe I should have asked for an apology or teach my son that is not appropriate for an adult to say. However, challenging the person may trigger an argument.

What would you do if you suspect someone has wrongly told your kid off in public?

Regards
Tempura


I don't think he was telling your son off, more that he was just maintaining his personal space. I don't like total strangers standing there watching me either. I would have taken it as an opportunity to explain to your DS that some people don't like an audience and in future maybe stand a little farther away.


#12 casime

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:41 PM

Seriously?   A random stranger didn't want your son hanging around him.  He didn't yell at your child, threaten him, or scar him for life.  He told him to go back to the supervision of his parent.

It makes me seriously stabby when I go to a restaurant and someone's random kid comes up to my table and starts chattering or staring at us.   I'll tell them to please go back to their parents.  It's not my job to entertain someone else's child.  If the parent decided that I had scarred their precious child for life and wanted to pick a fight about it, then they'd learn what a telling off really was.


#13 ShoshieRu

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:43 PM

I"'m firmly in the 'it wasn't really telling off' camp.

But this made me laugh:

QUOTE
It makes me seriously stabby when I go to a restaurant and someone's random kid comes up to my table and starts chattering or staring at us. I'll tell them to please go back to their parents. It's not my job to entertain someone else's child.


Really? You can't muster up a few minutes to say hi to a kid? Joyless springs to mind.

#14 laridae

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:45 PM

Since when its telling someone to go away bullying or telling off?

What would you have him say back?  Something like, "I have every right to stand here and watch", because coming from a child to an adult, I would find that rude.

What it it had been an ATM rather than a lolly machine, would you have confronted the man about it then?

Perhaps this is a good opportunity to teach you son that not everyone likes having their personal space invaded or being watched.  Don't you know its rude to stare?

#15 tempura

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:46 PM

QUOTE (Mrs Flanders @ 04/04/2012, 12:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have to agree with PPs. It's probably a good opportunity to teach your son that not everyone is going to be nice in life, and when people are grumpy like that you can just shrug your shoulders and laugh.


Thanks .
I agree. I should turn a negative incident to a learning opportunity.  Getting frustrated with myself will not help the situation.

#16 casime

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:46 PM

I can, and do, say hi, but after five minutes of the child asking questions, or when they continue to hang around for ages, or stand there staring at you, or start trying to take food off your table, while their parents are obliviously enjoying their dinner, then yes, I will tell them to go back to their parents.

#17 Bel Rowley

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:47 PM

QUOTE (Aribika @ 04/04/2012, 12:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it was a good opportunity for your son to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and that the old man didn't want him standing there.
No big deal.  Go about your day.

This. Your son wasn't upset, so I see nothing to be gained by making a fuss. In fact if I was the kid and my mum made a big deal of it I would be embarrassed with my mother.

#18 ShoshieRu

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:49 PM

QUOTE
I can, and do, say hi, but after five minutes of the child asking questions, or when they continue to hang around for ages, or stand there staring at you, or start trying to take food off your table, while their parents are obliviously enjoying their dinner, then yes, I will tell them to go back to their parents.


Fair enough casime original.gif

#19 AryaStar

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:50 PM

QUOTE (tempura @ 04/04/2012, 12:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As a mum, I always try to teach him to stand up for himself and have zero tolerance for bullying.  How do I teach him to react to such situation when the aggressor is an adult?


The language you are using to describe the incident is very emotive and loaded. Bullying is an ongoing pattern of victimisation and very different to a one-off incidence of someone who is being blunt or rude. Not to excuse the man's behaviour but I don't think it serves your son to teach him that responding to rudeness with defiance or aggression is the way to go as it would probably only escalate the conflict.

Agree with PPs. Sometimes you need to walk away and let things slide and I would use this as an opportunity to teach your son that not every social encounter he has is going to necessarily be a warm and positive one. There is no point in dramatising an incident that has clearly not perturbed him. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.

#20 Rachaelxxx

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:51 PM

For me it depends, I really pick my battles and for me to say something back I would have to be very clear on what had taken place.  Mind you my husband hates it when I do this, but I tend to talk to my girls in a loud enough voice so that person can hear, something along the lines of "honey did that man just tell you to go away, well what a rude man, you know that wasn't very nice don't you and you know that mummy has brought you up so much better than that.  Maybe that man didn't have a very good upbringing".  But hey that's just me, a condencending b**ch  wink.gif

#21 SaintJoe

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:53 PM

QUOTE (casime @ 04/04/2012, 12:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can, and do, say hi, but after five minutes of the child asking questions, or when they continue to hang around for ages, or stand there staring at you, or start trying to take food off your table, while their parents are obliviously enjoying their dinner, then yes, I will tell them to go back to their parents.


Wow! Has that happened?

It is very rude of the parents.

#22 tempura

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:53 PM

QUOTE (laridae @ 04/04/2012, 12:45 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Since when its telling someone to go away bullying or telling off?

What would you have him say back?  Something like, "I have every right to stand here and watch", because coming from a child to an adult, I would find that rude.

What it it had been an ATM rather than a lolly machine, would you have confronted the man about it then?

Perhaps this is a good opportunity to teach you son that not everyone likes having their personal space invaded or being watched.  Don't you know its rude to stare?


The issue was the tone of voice.  It was a condescending tone.  

Teaching kids respecting personal space is important but ... ... adults just can't behave in that way to young kids who are still learning .... .... especially older generation who supposedly have a wealth of "life experience".

#23 *Ker*

Posted 04 April 2012 - 12:58 PM

I was at the shops with DS and he was making noises - verbal tics, autism. We went past this old man and he told my son to "shut up, you noisy little sh*t". I said "your voice is more annoying, you grumpy old b*st*rd" and kept walking.

THAT was telling a kid off. Someone telling a child to "go away" is not.


#24 tempura

Posted 04 April 2012 - 01:01 PM

QUOTE (Aribika @ 04/04/2012, 12:37 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think it was a good opportunity for your son to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and that the old man didn't want him standing there.
No big deal.  Go about your day.

Lorraine


Yeah.  Shouldn't let a grumpy old man's rude behaviour spoils the day.  

Regards

#25 BadCat

Posted 04 April 2012 - 01:02 PM

QUOTE (tempura @ 04/04/2012, 12:32 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yes. I do try to think of that perspective thus decided to walk away rather than to challenge. But  .... ....the old man was pushing a stroller with a baby (assuming grandchild).  So what sort of values will he passed on to the younger generation?  I wonder.

What if the same thing happen when my son is older , felt wronged and internalise those feelings?  As a mum, I always try to teach him to stand up for himself and have zero tolerance for bullying.  How do I teach him to react to such situation when the aggressor is an adult?

Regards
Tempura


For the first bolded part:  Not your business and not your problem.  Beisdes which he may infinite tolerance for his own grandchildren and very little for other kids.  This is not uncommon.

For the second bolded part:  You are blowing this out of all proportion.  This is a shrug your shoulders and say oh well situation.  Making it into any sort of issue is only teaching your child that everything needs to be examined and dealt with.  If he was upset then of course you'd hellp him deal with it but since he's not why make it a big deal? All you are teaching him is that he SHOULD be upset when he wasn't.




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