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Why is having a girl the be-all and end-all?


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#1 Kylie Orr

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:07 PM

I have three boys and a girl.

Apparently this makes me clever, relieved, thankful, special, lucky and blessed.

Evidently it is a common misconception rattling around the empty heads of many people that having a daughter is the gift every mother needs. It is a topic so dry, so boring, and so over discussed that I contemplated scrapping further commentary. In fact, I touched upon it back in 2009 after I’d had my third son but the troubling point is, three years later, I am still greeted with remarks on a daily basis regarding the same tedious subject matter. So, I jump back on my soapbox and hurl some random abuse in the hope that I may just save one idiot from making the fateful mistake of advertising their stupidity in public.

I’ve come to the conclusion I’m an idiot magnet. Every second eejit seems to seek me out to observe and discuss the gender distribution of my family. Some of them are attempting simple pleasantries, sharing in the joys of raising both genders, and that is lovely. Sadly, I’ve received a disproportionate amount of comments since having my daughter that have left me utterly gobsmacked.

“Shame it took four to get lucky!”

“You finally got it right!”

“You must be so relieved you got a daughter.”

Why? Would having a fourth child of the same gender be the worst thing that could happen? Was this not something I would have contemplated before deciding to have a fourth?

Perhaps it is not what is said, but what is omitted.

If I’ve “finally got it right” with my daughter, would that insinuate the three children I had before the pink one were wrong? Was I unlucky to have three robust boys?

Imagine being my sons accompanying me on a shopping trip and having to endure the relentless comments about how ecstatic I must be to finally “get that girl” as strangers point and smile at the baby. Will my boys feel they were not enough? Is there something wrong with boys, perhaps and that’s why everyone tells their mother she must be so thankful to have finally won the pink prize?

I’ve been accused of being sensitive to the subject. Maybe you’re overanalysing? Reading too much into it? People are just making friendly conversation.

Bollocks.

I make no apologies for being highly defensive of my children. All of them. Willy or no willy. They are individuals, not merely genders.

The mindless remarks come from people who do not think before they speak. These are people who are drowning in stereotypes of the way a family should look, of what defines happiness. And it seems unless you have “one of each” your life is somehow incomplete, that you got something wrong along the way.

The apparently harmless comments are ridiculous and offensive in equal measures. Through a forced smile, I try to disguise the righteous scorn I feel towards such imbeciles. It takes some effort to refrain from rolling my eyes and retaliating with confrontational responses in the middle of the nappy aisle.

I love having a daughter but would just as much loved having a fourth son. I celebrate the differences in raising two genders but also recognise that each child has a personality of their own which is above and beyond their gender.

I appreciate that many people have gender preferences, a completely personal desire that to me, should remain private or discussed within a group who shares the same goals. Projecting those kind of needs on others, particularly strangers, can be poorly received.

If only people would learn that it is not compulsory to share every thought that pops into their head with a random stranger standing in the line at the supermarket. Some people should be issued a muzzle.

I will now step down from my soapbox and attend my weekly anger management session. I may also consider online grocery shopping!

Does this banal banter about gender make you as angry as me?! Do you get strangers commenting on your luck or lack thereof in relation to what genders your children are?

Kylie.



#2 bunnee

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:09 PM

QUOTE
Does this banal banter about gender make you as angry as me?


Yes. Yes it does.

#3 bikingbubs

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:12 PM

Yes, it annoys me too! I couldnt care less if I had 4 boys (we are planning on 4 in total), and although I am very happy about having a girl this time - I would feel the same about having a boy again!!! I am actually dreading all the "clever" etc comments when she is born (we havent told many people).

I just dont get it.  In the same regard though - everyone was commenting to my husband he must be happy to "get his boy".  Gah...

#4 Chasing daisies

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:13 PM

OH YES i get you definately
Due with my 4th son in 7 weeks and the comments are unbelieveable (this is actually my 6th son...i lost 2 boys in late misscarriages).
I wont lie i would LOVE a DD but just to balance things out a bit....im thankfull everyday for my healthy happy sons

#5 *mylittleprince*

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:14 PM

I find it so annoying too. I have a beautiful son and am pregnant with twins and I've had heaps of people say "What if it's two boys, what will you do." What do they expect you to say "hand one back/try again, etc". I think all children are a blessing. It is normal and ok to have a gender preference and/or experience gender disappointment but all children are a blessing and I would be happy with whatever I have.

Edited: spelling mistake

Edited by *mylittleprince*, 21 June 2012 - 02:14 PM.


#6 Butterfly*77

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:15 PM

Yep, a little bit. We are expecting #2, so another wonderful little boy. I am over the moon as it was a long process to get this far and I was so happy to have another 'baby'. I still have 8 weeks until my EDD and I have got for the last few months since we found out the sex, the comments like "oh, you must be disappointed", "going to start trying again for a girl straight away, hey?", "two boys will be trouble" rolleyes.gif

Sigh.

What's wrong with a simple congratulations, people? I don't let it get to me, bigger fish to fry but since when was a 'pigeon pair' the ideal family?

#7 Iwantitall

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:16 PM

boy #4 on the way here and these type of comments really really really annoy me!  How rude to assume I am not happy/complete because I don't have a daughter.  So sick of answering these comments

#8 Jane Jetson

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:18 PM

QUOTE
If only people would learn that it is not compulsory to share every thought that pops into their head with a random stranger standing in the line at the supermarket. Some people should be issued a muzzle.


I think it boils down to this above. Many people are just stupid and yet to learn that a direct feed from what passes for their brain to their flapping mouth is not necessary or welcome.

We have two girls and are constantly asked if we're going back for "a boy for my husband".

What, because I wouldn't like a boy? Likewise, there's a few people who expect him to be disappointed that he has only girls and who have expressed surprised when he's replied that he's not. I don't understand the idea that mothers need daughters and fathers need sons, so at least one of each is required. A son would be no more "his" than a daughter would be "mine" and I'm sure it's the same with you, Kylie.

#9 EsmeLennox

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:23 PM

Yes, it annoys me. I usually tell people I am grooming one of them to be a drag queen so I won't feel so alone and have someone to shop with. I say it seriously, so they aren't at all sure if I am taking the p*ss or not.

I still get asked when I'm going to 'try for a princess'. yyawn.gif

I imagine women with all girls get similar - although I have to say my friends who only have girls have definitely commented that I get more comments about 'having boys and how awful it must be in general' than they get comments about having only girls.

#10 Bam1

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:24 PM

It must be annoying but it happens the opposite way as well so its not just that having a girl is the be-all and end all. People see the ultimate family as being a mix of both genders but in reality most people are very pleased with what they get, whether it is a mix or a single gender family.

I'm glad I have a gender mix, not so much because I cared but it does stop all those banal comments. Instead I get the banal comments due to have mixed race children and twins!

It seems that no matter what your family makeup there will always be banal comments but the gender ones must hit harder as it makes it seem that you are unhappy with your family.


#11 bakesgirls

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:25 PM

QUOTE (Kylie Orr @ 21/06/2012, 03:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Does this banal banter about gender make you as angry as me?! Do you get strangers commenting on your luck or lack thereof in relation to what genders your children are?


Yep. It p*sses me off to no end. I have 3 daughters and am continually asked when I'm going to 'provide my husband with a son' as though my daughters are not enough, and when are we going to 'try again' for a boy. DH and I are happy with what we have and were not trying for any particular sex, just a baby. I have been asked what I 'did wrong', or told that I must have been bad in a past life. My DH's father even told him he wasn't a 'real man' because he didn't father a boy.

My husband and I are happy with our daughters. Just as we would have been happy if we'd had mixed genders or all boys.

#12 amesv

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:26 PM

I have 2 boys then a girl, EVERY time I go out it's pretty much the only comment I get - aren't you lucky 2 boys and a girl. Doesn't make me angry but more uncomfortable, I feel I always need to say "we always planned to have three and whatever sex they are we would be happy with". We would never base the big decision of how many children to have on what sex they were. 3 HEALTHY children is what we prayed for and what we got.

#13 Bluenomi

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:26 PM

I've found people are more impressed if you have a boy than a girl. Mind you most people I know have girls so boys are pretty rare!

I also get annoyed when people tell you 'you have to have a boy for your husband'. Well since it's his bits that decide the gender I don't know why it is my problem if he gets the 'wrong' one. My poor step mum has 3 girls and me so gets so much flack for not giving my Dad a daughter. He doesn't care but everyone else is convinced he does!

#14 giggleandhoot

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:27 PM

Oh in our family it's a boy.. after DD2 i was told DH must be so upset he didn't get a boy.
Boys are thought to carry family traditions...take over the family business.. WTF i swear some people are living in the old days. My girls are capable of anything a boy can do.  And if i hear one more time..'we are so lucky and blessed we have one of each' I will hit them.  LOL so yes..it makes me cranky when people go on about genders.

#15 jules095

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:29 PM

QUOTE (Kylie Orr @ 21/06/2012, 02:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Does this banal banter about gender make you as angry as me?! Do you get strangers commenting on your luck or lack thereof in relation to what genders your children are?
YES! But it's not just those strangers & their comments.


Gender disappointment is a regular topic around here & 99% of the time, it's those poor souls having another boy. You rarely hear about the mother of girls who is venting about having yet another girl. rolleyes.gif  So many here at EB consider a girl to be more important than a boy. The 'mother-daughter' relationship, being able to by pink frilly dresses. sick.gif

I feel sorry for those people who think that, because boys are special. They give great kisses & cuddles & under all those trucks, dirt, & rough & tumble, they are just as soft & cuddly as a girl.

Gender has nothing to do with personality.

#16 mum201

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:31 PM

Drives me bonkers. I have one boy and my grandmother is constantly on about, 'you will have to start trying soon for a girl'. We may or may not have more kids and about the only thing that won't influence that decision is trying for a girl. My boy is energetic, lively, fun, curious and at the end of the day when he has tuckered himself out, he gives mummy sooky cuddles. I am sure girls are just as awesome, but any baby is a gift

#17 MrsDamonSalvatore

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:32 PM

cause girls are waaaaay more awesome than boys tongue.gif ph34r.gif

i dont have a serious answer though laughing2.gif



#18 MrsWidget

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:33 PM

Yep sh*ts me too. I just had my second boy. My first was a girl but she was stillborn. My boys are gorgeous, happy and healthy and that's all I ask. Petsonally I think boys are beautiful.

#19 mokeydoke

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:35 PM

No it doesn't bother me. I am glad to have both, but I don't care what others have until they start defending what they have like I care either way laughing2.gif Then I think that they perhaps protest too much and the idea of comments  (I don't actually make them myself) might hit a little close to home.



#20 Liv_FERAL_sh

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:36 PM

QUOTE (Kylie Orr @ 21/06/2012, 02:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The apparently harmless comments are ridiculous and offensive in equal measures. Through a forced smile, I try to disguise the righteous scorn I feel towards such imbeciles. It takes some effort to refrain from rolling my eyes and retaliating with confrontational responses in the middle of the nappy aisle.


Scorn them Kylie, scorn them hard!!

I don't have the gender problem, although people are CONSTANTLY telling how great it is I have one of each because now I am done...really, thank you SO much for making that personal reproductive decision for me, whatever would I have done without your wise insights!

Having twins the level of stupid I encounter on the streets is astonishing. I tried to be polite at the start, but seriously, the 1000 time someone says 'oh twins, how awful, how do you cope' in FRONT of my perfectly behaved twins I get decidedly homocidal!!

People seem to have this insane desire to just blurt out whatever is going on in their heads, it's bizarre!!!

#21 More than a Mother

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:39 PM

I prayed for a boy and got one. Girls look too hard to raise.
I've always got on better with the male variety anyway, and don't relate so much to women, so I guess that influenced my desire for a boy.


#22 MrsLexiK

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:41 PM

I saw a "doco" on this once.  I wanted to throw something at the TV when one "mohter"said she "likened finding out she had given birth to another boy to a women who has found out she couldn't have kids" It made me stabby.

Personally I couldn't deal with more then 2 of the same sex with nothing to balance (ie 3 girls or 3 boys) but if I wasn't comfortable with a 50% chance that I could end up with 3 of the same sex I wouldn't have the thir or 4th etc.

#23 bunnee

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:46 PM

QUOTE (manlou4 @ 21/06/2012, 02:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
No it doesn't bother me. I am glad to have both, but I don't care what others have until they start defending what they have like I care either way laughing2.gif Then I think that they perhaps protest too much and the idea of comments  (I don't actually make them myself) might hit a little close to home.


Interesting comment.  mellow.gif

#24 MrsMJ

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:46 PM

I agree. A friend of mine recently found out she was unexpectedly pregnant with her third child after a 4 year gap from her youngest, and 9 from her eldest. (both boys)
The response from most people on FB was of congratulations. Until she found out it was a girl. WOW I have never seen so many comments and floods of happiness, joy, elation for her and her partner.
FINALLY after years she has been blessed with a daughter.

Made me really annoyed that no one congratulated them on having another child. all the focus was around the fact it was a girl. it made me think- would they be as happy having a third, unplanned child if it was another boy? and would their friends offer as much congratulations if it wasn't a baby girl ? I too felt for her 2 sons wondering how they felt about the reaction..

#25 Guest_Anastasia_Beaver.._*

Posted 21 June 2012 - 02:47 PM

Why do you think people say it?




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