[biene_maja]

I'm wondering what others would do in my situation:

I've got a good friend (known her for 12 years) who is getting increasingly depressed, anxious & self destructive in a way. I have no clue how to help her or make her be more reasonable.

She has had depression since I met her and always struggled a bit with normal situations life throws at her. Now she's got 2 kids (5 & 3) and a lovely supportive & helpful partner but her depression has been getting heaps worse over the last few years. She is also very anxious about little things. When she gets anxious/stressed she gets extremely angry with her partner & her kids and the kids in return have major anger problems/fighting at school etc.

In addition to all of this she is absolutely determined to add 1-2 more kids to her family. Her partner doesn't seem so keen because he knows she can't cope well with the ones she's got. She sleeps a lot. Has whole days where she doesn't get out of bed. Her partner often has to take over and looks after the kids by himself on many days.

For some unexplained reason she has had 6 m/cs in a row so far while trying to conceive and of course the stress of this had made things worse.

DH & I are trying to help them but don't know how. She doesn't want to go on meds because she wants to get pg soon. But the rest of her family is suffering so badly in the meantime under her constant angry outbursts. It's hard to describe how bad it is but I'd say it borders on abusive. She yells/swears at her partner for the tiniest things and every time he tries to defend himself she yells more. And then she goes on to blame herself & says she hates the way she is, she doesn't know why he is with her anymore, he should just leave her etc.

The kids' behaviour has become so much like hers that I'd rather limit the contact they have with my kids but this is difficult because we all spend a lot of time together.

I wish I could help her somehow. She can be really wonderful. She never gets angry with me like that. I've told her I wouldn't tolerate it. So why is she letting it out on her family?

This post has been edited by biene_maja: 04/06/2012, 01:01 PM

[GenWhy]

Unless you want to lose the friendship I would not say a thing to your friend. Perhaps approaching her DH may help though? Unless her DH speaks up and tells her how her behaviour is affecting the family and she needs to get help, nothing will change. It will only spiral out of control.

[protart roflcopt...]

Oh dear. What a difficult situation. But it's really not your place to dictate her reproductive rights.

Her partner is the one who is inseminating her and thus allowing her to keep conceiving. It's up to him to use contraception if he doesn't want to impregnate her. If he cared about her or is that worried, he should be insisting she seek help before this huge step of having another child. He shouldn't be forced into getting her pregnant if he has concerns.


Unfortunately, there are many people out there who keep getting pregnant and having children when they can't cope with their current offspring. It's sad.

This post has been edited by ossim roflcopter: 04/06/2012, 11:25 AM

[biene_maja]

He did speak up yesterday when she had her latest outburst while we were all out for lunch. She shuts him down straight away. We tried to talk to her to make her see how it's affecting her family & she just does not see it. Not the way we do anyway.
She's got a referral to see someone now but still won't go on meds.

Yesterday she blew up about the fact that her DH had to quickly take the dog home before lunch (took 15 min) and he asked her to order him a steak. She nearly cried because she could not bring herself to order a meal by herself. And then she yelled at him because she couldn't understand how he could possibly ask that of her.

This post has been edited by biene_maja: 04/06/2012, 01:02 PM

[archy's mehi...]

This is her partner's call, not yours. He's enabling her behaviour, not helping her at all. Getting pregnant takes 2. He's going along with it. It sounds like he is scared of her?

The fact that she doesn't get angry with you indicates that she has no self-discipline and relies on others to do it for her. She lets it out on her partner because he tolerates it when you don't. Whatever the causes of her behaviour, or her own mental anguish, she is being abusive and should be stopped.

[WinterIsComing]

The mark of a true anger problem is that it doesn't discriminate. The fact that she doesn't get angry with you tell me she might simply be abusive towards her partner.

I agree with others, her partner is enabling her behaviour, as well as inseminating her. He also allows children be exposed to abuse.

I would personally not remain friends with the person; the whole situation is highly toxic. Her partner needs to face up to the abuse in his family, protect his children, even if that means separation and fighting for the custody of children. He would be a complete fool to produce any more innocent little people with the person with abusive tendencies.

REMEBER - mental illness is not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

[biene_maja]

This is her partner's call, not yours. He's enabling her behaviour, not helping her at all. Getting pregnant takes 2. He's going along with it. It sounds like he is scared of her?

I totally agree. I think he is so desperate to keep his family together that he'll go along with it all.

I know this is really none of our business but because our families are so close it's hard to just watch & let it happen.

This post has been edited by biene_maja: 04/06/2012, 01:02 PM

[pratique]

The poor DH and kids. I feel horrible for him.

Of course he needs to step up and stand up for his children and himself. But I can imagine it would be very hard in thsi situation.

I assume he also is the bread winner for the family?

[biene_maja]

She also has a really distorted view of it all. She was telling us yesterday how she never lets it out on the kids when she got pretty angry with her little girl right there at the table.

Or that her DH "knows how to take it all" when he was clearly distressed by it all when she was yelling at him.

This post has been edited by biene_maja: 04/06/2012, 01:02 PM

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

It's up to her partner to put his foot down and insist she gets help before they contemplate TTC another child. This is the time where he must stand strong for the long-term gain of seeing her acknowledge she has a problem & seek treatment for it. His job is to protect his existing children.

Like the PPs have said, there's not much you can do except be there as a (non-enabling) friend, which it sounds like you are.

And don't put up with the abuse. Tell her that even if she doesn't abuse you and your family, you still don't want to see her abusing her own family, her own partner, her own kids. If she does, you'll stop catching up with her. By sitting there and simply ignoring her abusing her DH or kids, that's being complicit by silence. I wouldn't sit around and watch a friend abuse the crap out of her partner - that's not behavior I want to see, nor is it behaviour I want my kids exposed to. If she won't listen, tell her that you'll walk away until she gets her act together.

Bad situation. Sorry OP.