[foxhill]

WARNING - mentions stillbirth.

I'll keep it brief, but basically this issue is this:

I have been struggling to think how I can best approach my son (when he's the 'right' age, whenever that is) about his identical (mirror image) twin brother, Alexander, who died in-utero at 28 weeks from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. We have his ashes at home still, and I was thinking about having them interred but then that got me thinking about perhaps involving DS5 in this process so that he might have the opportunity to farewell his brother, even though they had never met.

Has anybody had any experience with this sort of thing? DS5 is currently talking a lot about death (when will I die, when will you die, why do we have to die, mummy will die first because she's older etc.). He has had plenty of exposure to animal deaths (mainly the pigeons and rabbits the cat manages to catch during the day) - even to me putting them out of their misery with the air rifle to end the torture handed out by the cat.

My initial thoughts are that he is probably still a bit young for this knowledge, but I would like some advice on keeping the ashes for a later time vs having them interred without DS5 being involved. I guess he can always go to 'visit' him at a later time if he wanted to, although what kind of 'bond' would exist I have no idea.

I guess having the ashes in the house weighs heavily on me sometimes, but it's not about me I think it's a lot more about DS5. Any advice would be more than welcome.

[deejie]

My Mum is a twin and her twin sister (unsure if identical or fraternal) was stillborn after her.

I did ask her once when she learnt about her sister and her response was unsure-- but she can't remember not knowing, if that makes sense? She has known for her entire childhood memory, so she must have been told very early on. Her sister was buried after she was born and when Mum was a child, Nan would take the family to visit on their birthday.

Not much info I know, but hope it helps.

edit- to makse sense

This post has been edited by deejie: 16/05/2012, 02:44 PM

[countrymel]

Not very helpful really but I vividly remember sharing a room on summer camp (I would have been 8 or 9) with a girl who would mention frequently that she was the remaining twin and that her twin sister was stillborn.

She had particularly descriptive language too. Looking back on it she had either been very traumatised by the knowledge OR she had made up a pretty graphic story to make herself 'interesting'.

I would ask a professional OP. Is there a child psych. you could speak to?

[foxhill]

My other son (4) is severely autistic so I might just ask his psych about it next time we go to see her, I'm sure she'd be happy to advise me on some approaches or at least make another appt to discuss it.

ETA: I just realised this post isn't very clear. The surviving twin is DS5, while DS4 has autism.

This post has been edited by foxhill: 16/05/2012, 09:23 PM

[CallMeProtart]

Caveat - I have no knowledge of this area.

But my personal opinion is probably the earlier the better, but when he can understand death - which it sounds like he can. That way he gets to sort of 'grow up' with the knowledge, IYKWIM, rather than finding it out later when he knows that it should be shocking. At 5yo it probably seems like something interesting, matter of fact, probably sad, but possibly not unusual.

I think of it sort of like finding out about adoption - better to have it integrated into their world view than get a shock at some stage.

[aggyw72]

I honestly don't know the right time, but do please do it! My mother told me when I was a few months shy of 30, 10 years ago! And it was quite incidental, I was asking her if she was aware of some spinal defects I have and it came up, otherwise I would still not know. I was so upset when I found out and still a little haunted by it today because it was such a shock to find out that way. My mother is hopeless at communication, never talks about my father who died when I was a tiny baby - it is so damaging to our relationship, especially as I am now a parent and wish I could tell my son about his grandfather. We are very open with him about death, he was almost 4 when his other Granddad died and was a pallbearer. Death is all a part of life and we try to demystify and normalise it. His dearest favourite auntie has a terminal illness, and we are subtly laying the groundwork to help him to cope when the time comes. Hopefully being open and communicative will help us all to cope. Be prepared to answer any questions, get help if you need it. There is a lot of good literature online, and good books available to get age appropriate language.

[zzgirl]

I think it really depends on how you think your son will take it. I don't think at that age that there will any longing for their lost sibling, I imagine that they are more likely to be a bit facsinated by the death of a baby. I just imagine a million questions being asked about what happened. Are you ready to face that personally and how you will feel talking about it? Just something to consider.

[Livsh]

I think of it sort of like finding out about adoption - better to have it integrated into their world view than get a shock at some stage.

-no experience in this but...-

Yep, those were my thoughts. It's probably best to do it early so that it doesn't come as a huge shock later on.

I do think, given your son is autistic, it's best to ask for some professional advice about how to approach it.

[spersephone]

My daughters are 3 and 4 and have always known about their older brother who was stillborn. I have a copy of his decorative birth certificate up on the wall alongside theirs and we just mention it here and there. They know they had a brother, they know he died before he was born, and as questions are asked, they get answered. It's a lot easier to just have it out there than suddenly bring it up one day when they're old enough to really understand and bombard you with questions while they try to process it.

[in(s)ane]

OP, it's not exactly the same but my DS3.5 (who has HFA) knows all about his little sister who was born and died when he was just 2. She never came home from hospital and he only met her once. We're not sure how much he took in at that age but we have continued to talk about her to him.

He has a book with pictures of her and him in it, we often sit and talk about the book with him.

You could make a social story family album with pictures of your family and include Alexander (or pics of scans, your pregnant belly, Alexanders ashes if you'd prefer etc) in this special book. if you make a point of reading it together every now and then it will allow an appropriate time for any questions to be asked. At first you could just be very factual about the situation, but this way will allow room for explanations as your son grow older.

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best trying to make sure your son understands he has a brother.