[kadoodle]

You do know they get a massive testosterone surge at about 5 ish don't you? My DS1 was the same from about 4 and a half to five and a half. Then he mellowed. Now we have the 7yr old smart alec backchat.

[Jenflea]

You might see the break up as amicable with little disruption to the kids, but he may well see it in a whole different light. His little safe world as he knew it was turned upside down when you split and he had to go visit his dad in a different house.
I read on here someone said that people act worst with the ones they feel safest with, maybe he's acting so badly because he knows you'll still love him. Maybe he feels home life is the only place he CAN act out safely?
I'm no expert lol, and my daughter's not yet 2(though the tantrums have started!) so I might be way off base.

[misskrm]

You do know they get a massive testosterone surge at about 5 ish don't you? My DS1 was the same from about 4 and a half to five and a half. Then he mellowed. Now we have the 7yr old smart alec backchat.

I didn't know this. I will check it out on google now. Thank you.

You might see the break up as amicable with little disruption to the kids, but he may well see it in a whole different light. His little safe world as he knew it was turned upside down when you split and he had to go visit his dad in a different house.
I read on here someone said that people act worst with the ones they feel safest with, maybe he's acting so badly because he knows you'll still love him. Maybe he feels home life is the only place he CAN act out safely?
I'm no expert lol, and my daughter's not yet 2(though the tantrums have started!) so I might be way off base.

That makes me feel worse, although I know not your intention. He was only just 3 when we split, and I do know it has been hard on him. What I meant though, was that it is now 2 years down the track. We are very open and honest and we count down days till daddy's and mummy's houses. I do understand what you are saying in regards to acting out for those who will always love you. That makes sense. I just wish he could find another way.

[EBeditor]

I have heard about the testosterone surge too, but can't find any evidence for it other than Steve Biddulph in his book Raising Boys.

He doesn't provide references.

[LovenFire]

Do you think he may respond to the whole "You're a big boy" concept? See if Mummy and Daddy can take him out somewhere (which I assume would be a rare thing if you have separated, so perhaps may impress on him that this is important) - perhaps if you can get someone to babysit his brother - and have a talk about how, now that he is at a Big Boy School, he needs to act like a Big Boy and having Mummy breakdown as a result of his behaviour is not acceptable.

Get some house rules for your house which he has input into as well and see if perhaps, being elevated to being the man of the house when he is at your place gives him the sense of responsibility and pride? Do you think that may help?

I'm not sure, but in any case, OP, you're being the best mum you can be and that's all your boys can ask of you. I promise you, they will only remember all that you are doing for them and the tough times will be something only you remember.

[sahmmum]

OP Your post sounds like my life with my DS who is 7. I went to the doctor for help who sent me to a councellor but I havent been yet as it costs $120 each visit.

[misskrm]

Do you think he may respond to the whole "You're a big boy" concept? See if Mummy and Daddy can take him out somewhere (which I assume would be a rare thing if you have separated, so perhaps may impress on him that this is important) - perhaps if you can get someone to babysit his brother - and have a talk about how, now that he is at a Big Boy School, he needs to act like a Big Boy and having Mummy breakdown as a result of his behaviour is not acceptable.

Get some house rules for your house which he has input into as well and see if perhaps, being elevated to being the man of the house when he is at your place gives him the sense of responsibility and pride? Do you think that may help?

I'm not sure, but in any case, OP, you're being the best mum you can be and that's all your boys can ask of you. I promise you, they will only remember all that you are doing for them and the tough times will be something only you remember.

Thanks for your advice. We have done the fun time out with Mum and Dad when he was on School Hols. We had a lovely day, lunch and a movie. We are very lucky that we still have the relationship in which we can do something like that. We talked about behaviour and I know exH talks to him about being kinder to mummy. I don't want to be doing anything again like that, especially as he could see it as a reward. He hasn't been good enough to warrant it.

We have house rules, they are printed and on our fridge for all to see. He knows them, but the rules are broken every hour and the punishments etc just don't work anymore. I was talking to some of the other mums at pickup today, and it seems like I am not the only one going through this with their 5 year old. That is comforting in a way.

OP Your post sounds like my life with my DS who is 7. I went to the doctor for help who sent me to a councellor but I havent been yet as it costs $120 each visit.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have my first appointment next week with my new therapist. I thought that maybe she could help me with some techniques.

[MaeGlyn]

You do know they get a massive testosterone surge at about 5 ish don't you? My DS1 was the same from about 4 and a half to five and a half.

I've heard this too. A childcare worker told me boys have the surge with hormones from about 2 to 5, but girls have the surge in hormones from 5 to 8. So when the boys settle down, the girls start going loopy. It would make sense that this is probably also what is happening to my child

[Guest_CaptainOblivious_*]

Our 5 year old went a bit nuts after she started school. It's week 6 now and she's mellowed a bit. We cut back on tv, worked on getting simple (but varied) food into her for dinner and made sure she was in bed by 6.30pm.

We've had to be pretty firm and go back to basics with a lot of the behaviour things better suited to a 2-3 year old but it seems to be working.

They concentrate so hard on being good at school that when they come home, they're just exhausted and you're a safe place to let of steam.

Get some house rules for your house which he has input into as well and see if perhaps, being elevated to being the man of the house when he is at your place gives him the sense of responsibility and pride? Do you think that may help?

I think this extra pressure would be counterproductive. He's just made a huge leap into starting school, let him cope with that for a while.

[Kay1]

OP I don't have much constructive advice to give but I do feel that 8-8.30pm is too late for bed for a kid in FYOS. My son was in bed by 7pm at that age and even now in year one I always aim to have him asleep by 8pm. I know its hard if your younger one is napping and wants to be up a bit later. I used to get DS1 in bed first, give him a book to read and tell him I'd come and tell him a story soon. Then I'd put DS2 to bed and usually by the time I got back to DS1 he would be asleep. Now that DS2 is not napping and needs an earlier bedtime I do the reverse.

We saw a psychologist with DS1 when he was 4 as we were struggling with his meltdowns etc. It was very helpful, she didn't really talk to him much but gave us suggestions for how to handle things. They worked very well for us. Even more helpful was finding his 'currency'. For us its playing the Wii game on the weekend. The mere mention of losing that privilege is enough to get through to him. We try to focus more on positive things now, he earns stickers for getting ready in the mornings by himself etc and when he has a certain number of stickers he gets a new game for his Wii or some other major treat. I know this may not work for all kids but it suits my son's personality well. With the getting ready in the mornings I got him a magnetic whiteboard and drew columns and a list of things to do. When he has finished breakfast he moves the magnet to the 'done' column and moves onto the next task. If he does them all (5 tasks) without a reminder he gets a sticker. He loves doing this as he can see his progress and its cut out the yelling and pleading in the mornings. If he starts to lose focus I tell him no tv til his jobs are all done and that usually does it.

FWIW I think its probably not a bad thing that your son saw how much he was affecting you with his behaviour. I think its important for kids to learn that their behaviour can hurt other people. If it was me I would talk to him tonight about why you cried etc. How upset you feel when he is behaving that way because its mummy's job to get everyone to school in the morning etc and you need his help and he wasn't helping you he was making it harder etc. Try to emphasise the team aspect and the fact that he can help you by doing the right thing. I definitely don't fancy the idea of making him think that he's "the man of the house" but being mum's helper is a good angle.

Good luck OP. It sounds like you are doing all the right things - I am sure this is just a stage. We all go through them with our kids. There's never harm in getting some professional help though as it is obviously getting you down.