[HillmanMinx]

So mums in hospital. it takes us 1.5 hours there and 1.5 hours back.
I used to do it twice a day (coming home to pick the kids up).
I burned out.
I got dad accom in the city so he could be there every day.
10 days, 1800 dollars later - he came home. (we are 5kms outside the PATS scheme boundary)
Now we go daily, have been leaving at noon and getting home at 930 pm.
Mum is whinging 'nobody stays long' 'nobody visits'
We are EXHAUSTED and have tried to explain but she just doesn't get it.
Maybe related to medications, maybe depression, not sure.

I have brought knitting up - she made me take it home.
We put the tele on - she made us turn it off.
Brother sent her an Ipad - she made us take it home.
Bought her a sketchbook and pencil - she complained it was wrong type.



My dad collapsed yesterday - exhausted. My sis went alone. Mum almost had my sister in tears with her complaints and negativity.

What can we do - to help mum, to allay our guilt, to get life back some sanity!

We are facing a min of 5 more weeks of this IF she has surgery and her surgery is successful.
Otherwise - how long is a piece of string.

F our Lives!

[*molly*]

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, that sounds so hard. I don't have any good advice really, only sympathy.

FWIW, I really don't think you can continue this way. You'll just have to cut down on the visiting, and your mum will find a way to cope. Take her magazines, books knitting etc and even if she complains just leave it with her. Keep in mind she is also just expressing her frustration, fear and discomfort by complaining in this way. It will be hard, but your family needs you to be strong. You can't be strong if you continue this way - you really will burn out.

[HillmanMinx]

leaving for the hospital - will check back later xx

[FlutterbyBlue]

Have you tried asking the Salvation Army (or the hospital social worker, if you have managed to track her down) about inexpensive accommodation near the hospital? I know that when my sister was having palliative care, there were organisations who offered this for those of us who needed it. Although sometimes there just isn't anything available, it is worth asking about it. Alternatively, I'd be looking for a cheaper motel. $180.00 per night seems ridiculous to me, it's the 'off' season, so surely there is something more manageable within a reasonable distance. We ended up in a motel costing $100.00 per night, with a flexible vacating day. The people who ran the motel knew our circumstances and were really, really, great and understanding about the fluctuating population of the rooms and we got to stay there as long as we needed. Mind you, that was in Queensland, so maybe they do things differently up there. It was also this time of year (exactly, as it happens) and we came from all over the Eastern states, so the number of people in the rooms changed quite often.

I wish you and your family all the best, you've had a really tough few months, and I have been following your journey through the other thread. I pray for the best outcome possible for you all, and send to everyone.

[Aribika]

Oh my. That is tough. It is obvious that both you and your Dad can't go on as you are. I'm afraid that you Mum will have to accept that. I suspect you may have tried having a rational discussion with her about the difficulties in getting to the hospital to visit every day and it probably didn't go well.

I'm sorry that it is so difficult for you all and if your Mum is not willing to accept things I'm not sure what you can do except tell her what you will do and leave it at that.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Lorraine

[lilybet]

Have you discussed this with her GP, the Hospital Social worker?
Could there possibly be a transfer to a hospital closer?

At most you should be going 2-3 times a week. Your own family comes first and she has to realise that.

[sueb31]

Does she have any other friends or family, any church connections? Maybe you could do up a Visitors roster. She sounds bored and lonely. And I'm sure some of the medication side effects aren't helping wither. Is she getting much sleep??
Sue

[bakesgirls]

What a terribly hard situation to be in. You all have to take care of yourselves though. Getting burnt out is not going to help anyone, especially your mother.

Instead of going everyday, have you considered a roster like system? Where you would share the visits around the family, so that way people can be there longer, and your mum has someone with her that can stay longer.

2-3 times a week is a reasonable amount IMO. That way you have time for your family, and to do the things that need to be done. You also have some time to yourself, which in turn might allow more to talk about with your mum, renewed energy and a fresh view on things.

It could also save a lot of money on accomodation, if that is something that you as a family are struggling with.

[countrymel]

HillmanMinx.. I am thinking of you!

Last year Dad spent 5 months in hospital, getting more and more confused, demanding, frightened, angry....

One of the nurses grabbed me one evening as I was exiting the lift (3rd time I'd been in that day) and demanded I go home. "You need to look after YOU for a change.."

To paraphrase what she said to me, your Mum is safe, being cared for, she may not be happy.... but then neither are you, your Dad or the rest of the family.

You know the saying 'Happy wife, happy life'? Well be a little bit selfish here - happy daughter/wife/mother..... for your own and the WHOLE family's sake.
Take some time out from the caring, leave it to someone else every once in a while.

Yes you will feel guilty - but hopefully you won't end up in a straight jacket yourself. (I didn't have any children to be caring for, to pull me back into reality - and I nearly did)

[Lilymoon]

Is it possible for you to just go every second day...? I know it must be awful but at the same time it sounds as though your mum is frustrated at things and is taking it out on you.