[Kylie Orr]

You can skirt around the issue of returning-to-work after baby with whatever fancy, politically correct phrases you like, but when it’s reduced down like a Masterchef-style jus, the stress, the negotiation, the juggle and the guilt make the whole process, simply, crap.

If you’re one of the very few, incredibly lucky women who have a job they love, with a boss who is compassionate and flexible, and a partner who is supportive, then returning to work in an altered capacity (I mean full time to part time, not a drug-induced haze!) after you had a child, was probably a simple transition.

However, for the vast majority, it’s a source of great anxiety.
• Who will care for the child/ren?
• Will you have to drop your child off at the butt crack of dawn only to pick them up at feral hour when you are both tired and grumpy?
• What job will you return to? Will it carry the same status and pay that you worked so hard for, or will you need to take a detour (demotion?) in order to achieve the balance you require?
• Will the money you bring home make it all worthwhile?

My initial return to work decision was quite traumatic. I loved being a mum but when my son was 12 months old, I started struggling with how being a SAHM was perceived by wider society. To say I enjoyed staying home was often met with looks of incomprehension, like it was unnatural, or even lazy to be remaining out of the workforce.

We build identities around our professions and sadly, are often judged accordingly. Titles are superficial but they carry weight. Have you ever been conversing with someone who asks what you do, and your reply, “I’m a Mum” is met with glazed eyes and excuses to move on? Say, “I used to be an HR Manager and now I’m a Writer” and there seems to be significantly more interest.

Next time I might try, “I’m a 0055 phone operator,” just to mix things up a little.

So, I forced myself to truly question my identity, including the job I was doing pre-baby. Was it worth it? Did I love it enough to be away from my child? Could I cope with the juggle and the travel? Could I be the best I could be to both my job and my child?

Apart from going to the toilet solo and having a lunchbreak amongst adults, the drawcards for returning to my previous job were limited. Childcare costs would be covered by the two days a week I would return, but would the slim surplus be worth the stress?

With hesitation from me and encouragement from my husband, I relinquished my security blanket, giving up a job in HR, because, ironically, it was not family friendly. Travelling two hours a day to deal with adults who behaved like children, was strangely unappealing and failed to carry the same status it used to.

I chose to stay at home for a while longer and savour the time with my baby. I was fortunate to have that option, and although it made the situation financially tighter, I felt relieved. It was the right decision for that phase of our lives but that niggling feeling of needing something else was hard to shake.

With the distance of time and the benefit of hindsight, I finally pinpointed my struggle. It was the lack of feedback from motherhood.

I’d always been one to revel in my own brilliance, not overtly, because that would be highly un-Australian, but I prided myself on being great at what I did and appreciated being rewarded for it, either with a ridiculously large, gaudy, gold-plated trophy that screamed “You’re the best!” or perhaps just a thanks for a job well done. A pay rise wouldn’t be scoffed at either. I didn’t realise just how much I banked on this positive reinforcement until it disappeared.

Being a mum, well, I wasn’t sure I was that good at it.

If motherhood is your gig, you’ll have learnt pretty quickly that babies and toddlers, tweens and teens are not overly forthcoming with praise. In fact, you’re generally rewarded with screaming non-sleeping infants, toddlers who poo in undies, grumpy pre-teens who are hard-done-by and teenagers who know a truckload more than you about everything, and aren’t afraid to give you feedback. Your performance appraisal comes courtesy of your kids. It’s never very glowing. The rewards are few and far between – a face-cracking smile from a baby, a squeezy cuddle from a toddler, a tween hug in front of their school friends, or a slap on the back and a rare thanks from your teenager.

I know, I know, that’s not what being a parent is about but when it’s your only form of positive encouragement, you can run a little dry in the self-esteem stakes. Paid employment offers ego boosts that staying at home does not. If we’re effective at our jobs, we’re rewarded. Financially, verbally or promotionally. People bang on about how important the role of a mother is, but that is not backed up by society – in status, pay, or respect.

Four children later, and a job list that would make Centrelink proud, I’ve finally reached a happy medium. I spend my working hours doing something I love. My husband and I share the childcare, as well as utilise a local crèche. We both work from home with flexible hours. We can attend school assemblies when our children get awards, we can do kinder duty (by choice?), without having to fake a sickie.

I accepted I couldn’t be everything to everyone, so I had to first, be true to myself. I acknowledged that I could do it all. Just not all at the same time.

It was a process that wasn’t without tough decisions and sacrifices.

Despite finding the balance after many years of experimentation, I still find people don’t really take me seriously. They think I have this quirky little hobby I undertake from my attic at home (I don’t have an attic, in case you were wondering). Clearly the old fashioned idea of leaving the home to travel crazy hours to an office to report to a man in a suit are still rife through society.

My children are equally baffled by the idea of work. Most of their friends’ parents have to dress up, get in a car or train, and go somewhere for their jobs. Why are we still hanging around the house? In our ugg boots?

The definition of work needs a serious overhaul.

So, if you find the decision to return to work after you’ve had a baby difficult, there’s logical reason for that. It can be a life-altering decision. It could be the very thing that drives you into a new career or forces you to make peace with your title of SAHM.

Did you return to work after having a baby? Was it the same job? Or were you inspired to start a new career or job? What were your struggles?

Kylie.

[lilsunniegirl]

while im not there yet, and still living in a land of complete nativity perhaps, I have to return to work in March next year. Full time. 8-430 standard hours. In the same role (Training Facilitator). We have already worked out financially this is the best option for us with the mortgage and cost of living here.. we've sourced childcare that best suits our roles/hours/location etc, and my job is the one that will bring in the most income and continue to do so so now it makes sense. The things I cant plan for is the emotional side. Ive always worked, so taking on this new role so to speak, I cant predict how it will change my mindset or how I will feel.

My dream would be to be able to be a part time teachers aide, or a job that allows me to work from home, or spend more time with my family. I love love love the concept of yours and our husbands roles.. i am slightly baffled as to why people dont take it seriously.. to me, from my eyes, it seems like a win win situation.. still with struggles as any situation or role would have, but you get the best of both worlds.

I dont understand the debate between SAHM or career women, or even the parent that must return back to work - in any capacity because they have to not want to, and again, I guess it's something I never had to really think about. I guess I just believe everyone chooses to make the best of their own situation, for some a dream, for others a struggle. I dont mean to offend anyone at all, and apologose if I have, its not my intention..

I guess for me, ill see how I feel in March, i dont think (unless we win lotto!!) much will change regarding my having to return to work fulltime, but I hope I dont struggle too much being away from bub.

[pinkpeony]

Having been back at work since February three days a week I can see the pros and cons.

I never had a desire to stay in the role I was in, I was just going through the motions, my boss was horrible, I got a measly 2% pay rise a year, but the maternity leave was 20 weeks paid and I just couldn't pass that up. I made a decision to return to a similar job so I could take advance of the paid mat leave again and fortunately it didn't take as long to fall pregnant this time, but still have some months to go before I am on leave again.

My DS has the social interaction of daycare, which has help him socially and developmentally in more ways then I can offer at home.

I really struggle in my job, DS doesn't sleep more than two hours at a time after midnight and I am running on empty, mistakes at work that would have never happened before and now happening all the time. I have no idea how long I can keep this up. DH also works very long hours and I really feel like a single parent some days.

Though unless it was hugely motivating, I am not sure I would work from home, I don't need someone watching over my shoulder, but I do need a little bit of interaction or guidance at times.

I think part of my problem is I don't know what I want to do. The things that interest me don't pay enough, so I am trapped until something I am more interested it comes my way.

I have a lot of respect for people who have their own business, it takes a lot of commitment and dedication.

[Kylie Orr]

You both make some very valid points.

Firstly, the emotional side of leaving bubs to return to work is something that is harder for some than others. I received a phone call from my employer when my first baby was 5 months old, to see what my plans were. I felt sick to the core at the idea of leaving him. Six months later, I was ready to consider something else.

Paid maternity leave is a biggie. Unfortunately none of my positions offered it back in those days (8 years ago!), so it wasn't a factor to consider. I can see now though, if you were planning more children, it would certainly come into play as a reason to return in some capacity.

There is also the breadwinner scenario - many women hold the higher paying position in a couple and so returning to work is a must to pay the bills.

Sleep deprivation and work!! That is bloody hard. I hear you, amandald.

It is truly a huge area and deeply personal topic that covers so many different areas of stress and needs. Some have no choice but to return to work, others who have the option struggle with varying issues.

All the best with your babies, ladies!

[Livsh]

I never struggled with the idea of going back to work after the twins were born. In fact if I have lived in a country where parental leave could be shared between parents I would have been back at work earlier.

I LOVE my work, everything about it and staying at home with the kids was simply not something I can or want to do. I spent 8 years at university to get to where I am and I wasn't going to jeopardise all that work for the 5 years that my kids are completely reliant on other humans to take care of them.

My husband is supportive....but seriously if he was the type of person to not be supportive he would not be my husband. It took two people to make my twins and two people will flipping well look after them...full stop!! Both of us love our jobs and both our jobs are important to us. I'm sure if one of us didn't like our jobs then we'd be at home!

One last thing....I do not feel guilty at all about leaving the kids! I see them for about 1.5 hours at the start of the day, about 1.5 hours at the end. THis is quality time reading/playing etc. In the intervening hours they have fun with the nanny who they adore. On weekends we do everything as a family.

It's awesome! My career is taking off also, I returned to work to a MORE senior position which is great! It's hard work sure and I think I now have permanent eye bags....but anything worth having in life is hard work!!!

[Maple Leaf]

Gah please remove wilson blx's post. lol.

I returned back to work, but it had strict conditions. I would only work one day a week (the one day DH had off to be home with DD2 and do the school run) with the view to increase my hours once DD2 was in kindy. No daycare for us.

It's a tough one though, hard to find that balance. I managed to find a great boss, wonderful workplace and kept my original profession (nursing) that I had pre-kids. Not everyone is so lucky to find a job willing to work around what mothers want/need to do.

[littlemiss*nat]

my decision to be a stay at home mum was easy..untill i was doing it.

All of a sudden i didnt have to be anywhere except with the baby!

A massive drop in income made it ok , but tight. I could visit friends ,read books, garden and do

washing...I think i lasted 3 months before i HAD to do paid work and get some sort of validation from

someone OTHER than a quiet gurgling baby and a snoring husband.

8 years and another child reared and off to school.. my part time buisness became a full time juggle

around the kids. tiring but fulfilling.

Now ive decided to go back to school and start a whole new career...

If you can find a balance between work,raising kids and play..its worth all the stress getting there.

I want to be someone who my kids can look up to..i want them to be able to know that if they work at

it hard enough..they can be anything! And hopefully happy as well

[*mylittleprince*]

Great topic and interesting read. I've been a SAHM for 2 years and plan to be for the next 3 years at least and then would love to work part-time if the opportunity arose. I gave up a career in marketing/media and am currently studying teaching. I am under no illusion that teaching is easy, from what I've seen already, teachers work long hours (but have the flexibility of being home with the kids after school and planning during night time, holidays, etc) and it's not easy work. However, I've always wanted to teach and am excited for starting a new career later in life.

DH and I moved to Australia 4 years ago. DS is almost 2. We don't have anyone to care for DS and we don't want him in full time care when he is young. The thought of leaving a young child in long day (as in all day everyday which would happen if I worked full time) is horrifying for me. Each to their own but I want to be with my son when he is young, to teach him, to see him reach his milestones, etc. Also, if we both worked and DS was sick, there would be no one to look after him. It's also easier for us as I do all the house/house admin, DH works full time. I really admire people who both work full time as it must be hectic to fit everything in.

I don't know one couple in Australia with a young child (under 5) where both parents work full time. I'd say 60% of our friends are SAHM and the rest the husband usually works full time and the wife in a part time role.

[mischiefmaker]

If you’re one of the very few, incredibly lucky women who have a job they love, with a boss who is compassionate and flexible, and a partner who is supportive, then returning to work in an altered capacity (I mean full time to part time, not a drug-induced haze!) after you had a child, was probably a simple transition.

I have all of the above, and I don't consider myself one of the 'very few incredibly lucky' ones.

Whilst I appreciate that some women struggle to return to the workforce post children, it's really not a huge ordeal for a lot of us.

[Lightning_bug]

I had the full-blown career. A journalist with 8 years under my belt and doing quite well for myself.

Returning to work wasn't a problem. I was excited and ready to go. Staying at work was.

I cried for the first month back at work. Huddled in the bathroom trying to pretend I was loving it and so excited to be with adults. When really, I just wanted play doh and finger paints.

It was more than missing my kids. It was the work you take home with you - the worry about the schedules and photo shoots and interviews and research all piling up. Even though I was home I still wasn't there for them 100%.

So, I quit. And that was the easiest decision I've ever made.

I still work a long day full-time but it's the kind of job that ends when I walk out. So when I'm at work I'm 100% work and when I'm home I'm 100% home.

I couldn't be a SAHM. But I can't be a 100% 24/7 employee either. I want the best of both worlds.

Sometimes losing your career has nothing to do with the pressure society puts on you. Sometimes it really is about recognising that what you wanted before isn't what you want now.