[WizzFizz]

DS is almost 6. He has always been a challenging child. As a toddler we had ferocious tantrums and he has had difficulty managing anger. He started school this year and first term was horrendous. He was angry all the time, slamming doors, throwing things etc. it got to the point where we saw a child psychologist and over time things settled down (more just time related than anything).

Anyway..he often gets angry over things that I have no clue about - its almost like he thinks I can read his mind. Eg he'll make a comment about something totally random and when I ask what he's talking about (because I don't understand) he absolutely cracks it and erupts into full blown meltdown (usually over something ridiculous). After years of this, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of his frustration and anger is often due to him thinking things in his mind and assuming people have heard his thoughts. Despite MANY discussions with him where I have talked to him about verbaliasing his thoughts, it continues.

He doesn't have many friends and when I ask him who he plays with at school he often says no-one. When I ask doesn't he want to play with people he complains that they don't listen to him (probably more likely they can't read his mind and do what he wants).

Does anyone have ANY advice about how to address this. I fear he is going to always be disappointed / frustrated in life until we can help him understand that people can't know what he's thinking unless he communicates it.

Please Help me o wise women of EB...

This post has been edited by WizzFizz: 11/08/2012, 09:41 PM

[libbylu]

Wow - that must be hard. My almost 6yo DS is a chatterbox so we usually know exactly what he's thinking. Having said that, he was still horrendous first term - think it took so much effort trying to hold everything together all day that he was diabolical at home and sooo tired. That has settled for us too, as he's got used to it.
Something that helps us is that when he gets home from school and is having a snack I ask him about his day. I usually don't get that much out of him, but I do try to get him to tell me the best things that happened and the worst things that happened. It takes a bit of practice, but he is getting quite good at it, and I feel like I know if there are things that have bothered him during the day and I think its good for him to able to practice telling me.

[WizzFizz]

Thanks libbylu. Each night at dinner we talk about best / worst part of our day. We get vague answers despite significant probing.

The issue we have is more related to him wanting something / thinking about something that's happened before and him going into meltdown mode if we dont know what he's thinking / talking about.

Eg, yesterday he cracked the sh1ts - major sulking session. When I asked him what was wrong it was like he just expected I should know but he hadn't said anything. So frustrating because I'm not a mind reader !

[dogged]

OP it sounds as if you feel that the child psychologist didn't help much, but rather that the improvement was due to time passing?

Have you considered another child psychologist, or a developmental paediatrician? I think you need some more information regarding what is driving this behaviour, and some more support and strategies for you and for him on how to deal with his frustration.

It must be very challenging for you to live with. It is probably horrid for him too. But I would be looking for explanations because if he is like this now, his teenage years could be extremely difficult. Not wanting to worry you just urging you to keep pressing for answers.

[Super Cat]

It sounds like he's having trouble with his 'theory of mind' ie, how do I know what you're thinking. DS has Aspergers syndrome and this is his main area of concern. He just doesn't understand that we can't tell what he's thinking, and that he needs to use words to communicate things to us.

DS goes to an amazing speech therapist who works on this issue with him and also teaches us how to teach DS. Some of the things we do are,

Play 20 questions: Each of us takes turns thinking of an object and the other person gets 20 chances to ask 'yes no' only questions. This is great for making them realise that although the picture/thought is in their head, it's not in yours. It also helps them with describing objects when they need to.

Playing Guess Who? Games: you can get this game in a variety of characters. Our speechy uses one with people, animals, and a giant face one. The very concept of the game teaches that the other person can't see what you're seeing, and that you have to slowly answer their questions so they can eventually guess.

Play Eye Spy: Again, a game where people have to guess the thought that's in your head.

A game called 'Santa's Sack: in this game you hae to direct the other person to place presents on certain areas of Santa's present sack. You cant see each others board. In the end you both should have matching sacks.

Battle Ship game: Another great one for teaching that others can't see what you're looking at or thinking.

Once they begin to understand that what is in their head isn't easily read by other people they start to use the tools from these games to express themselves more. After six months of this DS made huge gains. He's a gun at 20 questions now! Although he still has trouble now understanding that we can't feel what he feels (his fingers were numb once ad he thought when I touched them I could feel the numbness) but its not a huge problem.

Perhaps visit a speechy, or if you already have one let them know this specific problem and see if they have any ideas to help.

[75etd]

Have you read "Raising Boys" by Steve Bidoulf (sp?).

I don't think this will be the answer to all your issues and concerns but it may assist with ways of talking with him and communication generally. I found it a good read, and actually try to read it once a year to remind myself of some of the messages in it.