[*CalamityJane*]

I am struggling to get my 9 yo DDs motivated to do just about anything ATM. Simple jobs around the house, getting dressed for school, etc. Life is wonderful for them, I am exhausted and irritated LOL. I HATE nagging, and I have made a conscious decision not to be a yeller (my Mum was and I hated it).

I want them to have time to be kids, and I am conscious of the fact that with both DH and I working full time they don't have much free time during the week. But, I also want them to learn to take some responsibility for themselves and for helping out the household. I am influenced by my own childhood when I was given too much responsibility too early and didn't have a whole lot of fun (eg I was cooking dinner for the family by 10, and first did the grocery shop on my own at 9), so I'm probably a little soft on them.

A year ago they were motivated by pocket money and life was grand, now they seem to have lost interest *sigh*. They haven't had any for the last 2 weeks, because they haven't done enough to earn it.

There's already no TV/electronics allowed before school or after 5pm. They are allowed to watch TV before bed once they are showered, in PJs and homework done. Weekends are a bit of a free for all.

They are great kids and can be very helpful when they are in the mood. Right now though, unless DH or I are constantly nagging them, they are off with the fairies. (eg right now, one of them just got out of the shower and is lying naked in front of the heater - she will probably stay there until the third time I tell her to put some PJs on). I blame DH, because according to MIL he was exactly the same.

What motivates yours to get off their butts? I don't want to turn into a tyrant, but I don't want them to walk all over me either...

[hiccamups]

I think nagging is pretty well the only way. Every so often I crack my nana at them and they are helpful for a few days without having to be nagged.

Otherwise, bribery is it's own double edged sword.

I try to appeal to the emerging sense of humanity in them, with truly showing them how fatigued and in need of help I am. I emphasise the teamwork, the fact that we're a family and need to all do a bit to make life good for us all. This does work but only when they can see that I'm actually stressed. If it's just a casual discussion it doesn't compute for them.

I think they're so used to things being done and us being fine about it all, coping and chirpy. The reality is rather different and when they see the impact of that, I think it's enlightening for them.

But currency, for my nearly 9yo, it's just showing how real it is to struggle without their help.

This post has been edited by :: toots ::: 19/08/2012, 08:35 PM

[Luxe]

Not a mother but have done a Neurolinguistics Programming Course where they touched on discipline for children. They actually suggested to tell your child at the start of the week that their X amount of pocket money was on the fridge and if they didn't do chores through out the week you reduce it bit by bit as a loss is perceived greater than a gain.

Change your reward mechanism from you can have 'x' at the end of the week to you'll loose 'x' by the end of the week. Loss can be a great motivator.

[TheClampetts]

Our currency is Minecraft..LOL

He has the ipod version but wants the proper version for the laptop.

We have struggled of late with viola practice so he has to have 4 consecutive weeks of practice - any missed practice and we go back to the very start and has to get the 4 weeks.

We have also done he Term Balance where you start the school term with a set amount (we used $25) and kept it up on our noticeboard. Any violations of behaviour etc and you lost money. At the end of the term you get what the balance is.

A friend of mine actually followed through with a very serious threat (lose all toys) she actually packed up every single thing and put it all away.

Maybe the shock of that will bring them around.

[amoral lemur]

We do not link pocket money and chores around the house (which are epected to be done without payment)

But if they have not put their clothes away / got ready for bed etc then they can't have access to TV / computer / playdate etc. Bascially chores before fun.

[i-candi]

I make sure anything I've asked the kids are directly to their face with eye contact (rather than shouting it out from another room) and importantly I use my manners - ie DS please can you put your shoes away.

If they don't I will again ask them with eye contact, usually if they are not in the room I will call them to come to me then I will not use manners and say - DS put your shoes away.

Third time (if there is a need) I will say - I have asked you nicely, I have told you and now I'm telling you (in a more gruff voice, no need to shout) - put your shoes away NOW.

I rarely get to the second and I think it's because there is eye contact, they can't say they didn't hear me lol

[LittleMissPink]

No idea, it changes every week here.

This week its Moshi Monsters

[mumto3princesses]

Well one of mine, the one that is usually off with the fairies has been diagnosed as inattentive adhd recently which explains a lot. LOL

She came into the loungeroom naked and stood in front of the heater and it took quite a few tries to get her to finish getting dressed around the same time yours was lying in front of the heater LOL. She probably would have liked to lay on the floor but we have tiles and it would have been too cold. She finds it too hard to do things on her own and needs direction. So, to get her to pick up toys etc I have to stand there and tell her each step like pick up that doll, now put it in the toy box etc.

I offer money per job and give it when its done rather than pocket money at the end of the week. I might say for example offer $1 each to clean their rooms and they get a certain amount of time to do it. Then after that its free for all and anyone can do it for the money but again only for a certain amount of time.

I have also said if you all pitch in and do this then on the weekend we will have time to go to such and such otherwise we will have to stay home so I can do it instead. That usually works quite well actually if its something they all really want to do and there is a consequence for not doing it.

[discomonkey]

We have a chore chart on the fridge and DD (8) gets stamps for putting away dishes, folding washing, cleaning up play area (she has a messy younger brother who doesn't know how to tidy yet), etc. This is linked to rewards and punishments for the following week.

If she gets 20 stamps, she gets something she wants (e.g. this week she is working towards a book she wants). If she gets less than 15 there is no TV next week. Some weeks she loses motivation and doesn't get there but a week without TV always boosts her work ethic the following week.

She also gets $2 pocket money each week that is not linked to this in any way.

Yes, it would be nice if she did this stuff because she wanted to contribute and support the family but the reality is she's 8. I think that stuff will come later.

Good luck.

[*CalamityJane*]

Not a mother but have done a Neurolinguistics Programming Course where they touched on discipline for children. They actually suggested to tell your child at the start of the week that their X amount of pocket money was on the fridge and if they didn't do chores through out the week you reduce it bit by bit as a loss is perceived greater than a gain.

Change your reward mechanism from you can have 'x' at the end of the week to you'll loose 'x' by the end of the week. Loss can be a great motivator.

It might be the "right" way to do it, but the idea sends shudders down my spine. My mother's one attempt at pocket money was to put 10 x 2c pieces in a pile (yes I am that old LOL) at the start of the week and remove one for bad behaviour. Her definition of bad behaviour was pretty broad so I never got a cent and I was SO gutted because I had never got pocket money before .

Our currency is Minecraft..LOL

He has the ipod version but wants the proper version for the laptop.

Oh that might work for mine, they love minecraft on their iPods...although then I am adding another distraction for them to get lost in LOL.

She came into the loungeroom naked and stood in front of the heater and it took quite a few tries to get her to finish getting dressed around the same time yours was lying in front of the heater LOL.

I offer money per job and give it when its done rather than pocket money at the end of the week. I might say for example offer $1 each to clean their rooms and they get a certain amount of time to do it. Then after that its free for all and anyone can do it for the money but again only for a certain amount of time.

I have also said if you all pitch in and do this then on the weekend we will have time to go to such and such otherwise we will have to stay home so I can do it instead. That usually works quite well actually if its something they all really want to do and there is a consequence for not doing it.

Oh I was a bit mean to DD posting about the heater. I only had to ask her to put PJs on once after I'd finished posting LOL.

We were all sick a couple of weeks ago, so I didn't make them stick to their usual number of stickers for jobs for the week and just paid them per job and there was much less nagging. Something to think about.

I think I could use the "all pitch in and then we can..." idea. DD asked today if we could have a picnic for lunch in the park and all I could think about was how much I had to do and instantly said no.

We have a chore chart on the fridge and DD (8) gets stamps for putting away dishes, folding washing, cleaning up play area (she has a messy younger brother who doesn't know how to tidy yet), etc. This is linked to rewards and punishments for the following week.

If she gets 20 stamps, she gets something she wants (e.g. this week she is working towards a book she wants). If she gets less than 15 there is no TV next week. Some weeks she loses motivation and doesn't get there but a week without TV always boosts her work ethic the following week.

She also gets $2 pocket money each week that is not linked to this in any way.

Yes, it would be nice if she did this stuff because she wanted to contribute and support the family but the reality is she's 8. I think that stuff will come later.

Good luck.

We have a similar system without the punishment bit. Not enough stickers = no money.

I think maybe we have been doing the same pocket money system for too long and need to change things up a bit.

Thanks for the ideas. I know a lot of this is just about being 9, but it's sooo frustrating at times.