Usual story here, old member going anon, as I am really ashamed of how I feel and don't want to be identified IRL. For that reason, some details have been changed; however, the crux of the issue remains the same.
A bit of background: I have 2 kids, Older (2 years) and Younger (3 months). I have been with DP for about 6 years, and we have a fairly good relationship, although it has been strained of late due to exhaustion and frustration. We live a long way away from friends and family, having moved for work reasons (which are going very well), and so have very limited support. I am currently at home with Younger, whilst Older is in Daycare. I will be returning to work in 6 weeks, and Younger will be joining Older at Daycare.
First off, I LOVE my kids. I never had the 'head over heels' love that people describe, but more a growing sense of how precious they are, and how I would do anything for them. If something happened to them, I don't know how I'd cope. They are well treated, and know that I love them, and many people comment on what a "good Mum" I am.
But here is my shame: Whilst I love my kids, I HATE being a parent. I can honestly say I hate almost all of it.
The sleep deprivation, the loss of identity, the loss of freedom, the boredom, the way everything has to be planned around the kids, the crying and tantrums, the mess, the fights over food and bed, the damage it does to my relationship, the financial cost - I'm sure there is more, but that's just off the top of my head.
I know people say that they hate some aspects of parenting, but that others make up for it. Well, for me, there is not much that makes up for it. I have moments where I appreciate Older's funny behaviours, or achievements, or cuddles. I have moments where I appreciate Younger's smiles and cooing at me. But not nearly enough to feel like this parenting caper is actually worth it. I would estimate I hate at least 80% of it. I get the impression that other parents experience much more satisfaction than I do.
I am hoping this will change as they get older, and as I go from being a cleaner/human milk producer/family coordinator to...something else. But honestly, I don't hold much hope. I think having kids was a huge
mistake for me. I thought this after having Older, which was a massive shock, as DP and I went through hell to have kids. Younger was an accident, but I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion because of personal reasons. Suffice to say, when Younger was born I had my tubes tied so this could not happen again.
I have a fantasy in which I go back in time and get to erase the future I have created. In this fantasy I remain childless, back in my old location, actually having a life. I realise how selfish and self centred that sounds, and hate myself for this as well. But it's how I feel. Don't get me wrong - I would never wish any harm on my kids, or walk away, or anything like that. But I would do things differently, in a heartbeat, if I could.
When truly exhausted, I allow myself to escape into the fantasy of this other life. I imagine what my house would look like, and how I would come back to it after work and it would be just me. Alone. In peace. I imagine tiny little details - the colour of the coffee table, flowers in the kitchen. I know it will never happen, and I'm OK with that, but I just need an escape.
I have told DP that I hate being a parent, and he understands. I have not told anyone, however, about my daily fantasy of changing the past, and how much I regret becoming a parent.
I realise this must sound awful to many people, especially those who are trying to have kids. And I'm sorry - I don't mean to offend anyone, I just need to put this out, as it is burning me inside. I don't think I will ever tell anyone IRL. I am just too ashamed.
Please don't torment me for this too much, EB...