[DrowningNot Wavi...]

Usual story here, old member going anon, as I am really ashamed of how I feel and don't want to be identified IRL. For that reason, some details have been changed; however, the crux of the issue remains the same.

A bit of background: I have 2 kids, Older (2 years) and Younger (3 months). I have been with DP for about 6 years, and we have a fairly good relationship, although it has been strained of late due to exhaustion and frustration. We live a long way away from friends and family, having moved for work reasons (which are going very well), and so have very limited support. I am currently at home with Younger, whilst Older is in Daycare. I will be returning to work in 6 weeks, and Younger will be joining Older at Daycare.

First off, I LOVE my kids. I never had the 'head over heels' love that people describe, but more a growing sense of how precious they are, and how I would do anything for them. If something happened to them, I don't know how I'd cope. They are well treated, and know that I love them, and many people comment on what a "good Mum" I am.

But here is my shame: Whilst I love my kids, I HATE being a parent. I can honestly say I hate almost all of it. The sleep deprivation, the loss of identity, the loss of freedom, the boredom, the way everything has to be planned around the kids, the crying and tantrums, the mess, the fights over food and bed, the damage it does to my relationship, the financial cost - I'm sure there is more, but that's just off the top of my head.

I know people say that they hate some aspects of parenting, but that others make up for it. Well, for me, there is not much that makes up for it. I have moments where I appreciate Older's funny behaviours, or achievements, or cuddles. I have moments where I appreciate Younger's smiles and cooing at me. But not nearly enough to feel like this parenting caper is actually worth it. I would estimate I hate at least 80% of it. I get the impression that other parents experience much more satisfaction than I do.

I am hoping this will change as they get older, and as I go from being a cleaner/human milk producer/family coordinator to...something else. But honestly, I don't hold much hope. I think having kids was a huge mistake for me. I thought this after having Older, which was a massive shock, as DP and I went through hell to have kids. Younger was an accident, but I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion because of personal reasons. Suffice to say, when Younger was born I had my tubes tied so this could not happen again.

I have a fantasy in which I go back in time and get to erase the future I have created. In this fantasy I remain childless, back in my old location, actually having a life. I realise how selfish and self centred that sounds, and hate myself for this as well. But it's how I feel. Don't get me wrong - I would never wish any harm on my kids, or walk away, or anything like that. But I would do things differently, in a heartbeat, if I could.

When truly exhausted, I allow myself to escape into the fantasy of this other life. I imagine what my house would look like, and how I would come back to it after work and it would be just me. Alone. In peace. I imagine tiny little details - the colour of the coffee table, flowers in the kitchen. I know it will never happen, and I'm OK with that, but I just need an escape.

I have told DP that I hate being a parent, and he understands. I have not told anyone, however, about my daily fantasy of changing the past, and how much I regret becoming a parent.

I realise this must sound awful to many people, especially those who are trying to have kids. And I'm sorry - I don't mean to offend anyone, I just need to put this out, as it is burning me inside. I don't think I will ever tell anyone IRL. I am just too ashamed.

Please don't torment me for this too much, EB...

[livvie7586]

OP, firstly, see a professional, and make sure that it isn't something else lurking (be it a MCHN, GP whoever).

Secondly, i'm not great with younger kids, i love my kids, but only really enjoy them as they get older (DS is now 6, and a delight, even though he does have his moments. DD is 4 and is slowly getting there). I've always looked forward, though, and try not to dwell too much on now (so much so that i'm dreaming of the day that the little one i'm pregnant with goes off to school, and i can start living my own life again), take every moment as it comes, and try to enjoy what i can

[RealityBites]

There was a huge thread on EB recently about this, a lot of women admitted as much. I hope life looks up for you when you are back at work, with a bit more 'me' time.

[katiebear26]

I have a fantasy in which I go back in time and get to erase the future I have created. In this fantasy I remain childless, back in my old location, actually having a life.

you know what? i bet if you did this you would want kids. (ETA - the grass is always greener... MUCH greener on the bad days)

as a new mum i sometimes feel the same, especially when DH gets to go out on a friday night after work or head to the movies with a friend without having to plan a week in advance (i'll leave the guilt i feel as a mum leaving bub with anyone else to another post...) but then i remember the feeling i get sometimes when my little one smiles at me and shows me that she is completely dependent on me to keep her safe - she has filled a hole in my heart that i didn't realise was there.

yes, there are bad days, weeks, and as she gets older bad months too. i'm watching my friends go through terrible times with their toddlers and hoping my bub won't be the same. but i know she probably will be, and there will be times when i will ask myself why i wanted this.

i look at my siblings as they have older kids, and i look forward to those days when i can leave the kids at home alone and have intelligent conversations with them, share their lives. then i look at my bub's newborn photos and wonder where the time has gone, has she really grown that much?!?


for your own wellbeing i think you should take a break - ask the grandparents to visit for a few days to babysit or your DP to have a daddy and kids day, so you can do whatever you like. sleep, massage, shopping, watching crappy movies and eating popcorn in your pyjamas - whatever you want. and try to make it a regular thing, like once a month, then plan what you are going to do each 'you' day. it's something you can look forward to and it'll come by in no time. stick to it, don't let anyone take your day away from you.

and most importantly - enjoy it, don't feel guilty. you deserve some time. happy mummy = happy kids. look after mummy, and everyone benefits!

take care and good luck

This post has been edited by katiebear26: 26/11/2012, 12:08 PM

[whoisme]

It WILL get better and
you WILL feel better, especially once you start work and as they get older.

[niggles]

Good on you for recognising the impact parenting is having on you and finding a way to pursue other things as well as parenting. I hope that bit of balance that comes with working has a really positive impact on you. I realised this about myself a bit and was very nervous during my second pregnancy. When the opportunity came up to start working earlier than expected from home I jumped at the chance. I've also tried to have some other projects on the go. I tend to do a lot better when my focus is taken off day to day parenting. I'm 'good' at that but I'm not good at thinking about it too much so when I've got other things on the boil I can just get on with life and I'm too busy to get bogged down in the humdrum details.

I tend not to even entertain thoughts about what my life would be like without children. It seems so redundant that I'm not sure that any higher level of self awareness regarding that will make a difference to me now. Onward and upward and all that.

It might also help you to think about how parenting can feel really different at different ages. You might come into your own in all new ways as they get older. We had a bigger gap than you and things were just humming along easily when we decided to have number two. That's hit the reset button but I know it will change again before too long.

[DrowningNot Wavi...]

Thanks for the replies so far. And for being gentle with me...

Firstly, I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed. I did the Edinborough Post Natal Depression test, and found that any items I said "yes" to were only in the context of being a parent, not in other areas of my life, if that makes sense.

Secondly, I know people will suggest I get out more and have some "Me" time. This is problematic as I have no one to babysit (live away from relatives, and don't have many friends in my new location - none who I am close enough to to ask to babysit, anyway) apart from a hired babysitter. I do use her occasionally, and it makes things worse. What I mean is, I get away and have "Me" time and am reminded of how much I enjoy it, then hate going home, and hate myself for hating going home...Blah blah blah...Guilt upon guilt.

I am hoping that things get better as the kids get older. But what if they don't? I don't see why they should, in all honesty - my role will change, sure, but I will still have to revolve my life around being a parent. At least for the next 20 years or so.

[HotPozzum]

I think you have every right to feel that way. Please see a GP to ensure it is not something darker (depression) but otherwise you know what? I think kids aren't the be-all end-all they are made out to be. Some people people adore them and others would prefer not to have them at all, some prople find out which one they are the hard way afterwards.... Thats ok too. Hopefully things will get easier as they get older but I say there is no shame in recognising that parenthood isnt what you expected nor desire.

[LittleC]

I agree with previous posters comment about seeing a professional. You need to talk to someone who is unbiased and can really help you through this, if you don't this may get worse and there is nothing more horrible than being consumed/trapped by the thoughts in your head. Best of luck OP, you can get though this.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

If you're worried the feelings will continue, then I would seek counselling.