[jo-v]

I'll try and keep this short and to the point but am very upset and need outside opinions....

Ages ago, months and months my best friend suggested it would be nice to spend Xmas together this year. We've known each other for 6 years but have never done Xmas as they often go back to the UK or we've been elsewhere etc. We're both from UK have practically no family here (just my brother).

Recently we've had several discussions about it, they have her DHs parents and nephew here but they've know about that for ages and the insinuation was it would be a big happy family Xmas (we've met them before no drama). They are going through some money troubes and we even offered to pay for all the food to help out. In another discussion I gently asked whether they woud consider putting their Jack Russell in kennels for the day as it has bitten my DS twice and me and other people several times. Offerred to pay but said if they weren't comfortable (appreciate the feral thing is their pet) maybe it coud be kept on a leash as the kids will be so excited and I don't want to have to watch them and the dog every second like I normally do. She agreed it was a great idea and best for all. (dog not the issue just showing that it had been discussed at length).

Anyway, I get a text from her today saying could we not do Christmas day and do boxing day instead as her DH just wants it to be family. I feel very hurt, I think it's beyond rude to invite people and then uninvite them. When I said as much she basically said she coud never even remember inviting us in the first place and had been just going along with it as she didn't want to upset me!!!

What's basically happened is she asked us and then never discussed it with her DH till today and he doesn't want us to come, she won't admit this so has tried to turn it around onto me.

I'm hurt and very angry. Both my parents are dead and Xmas is a difficult time of year, I was looking forward to a big family Xmas and feel kicked in the teeth and very angry that shes lying about inviting us.

Would you be upset? (excuse mistakes DD ripped some letters off the keyboard so hard to type).

This post has been edited by jo-v: 05/12/2012, 02:02 PM

[FluffyOscar]

No I wouldn't be upset, most people generally want to spend Christmas with family.

I do think that it was rude that you asked her to put her dog in a kennel for the day. And making it seem about money, ie. offering to pay, makes it kind of worse.

And I'm not even a fan of dogs...

[Mumma_G]

To be honest if they are having a tough time financially that is probably the real reason they have declined Christmas. Perhaps to embarrassed to admit this thought. I must admit that like the PP I find it rude that you asked her to put the dog in the kennel, yes i can understand your concern but kennel?

[FloralArrangemen...]

The dog issue you actually lost me. I do agree that your friend has acted poorly and it all seems a bit weird. My oldest dd's boyfriend is from Scotland and has no extended family here it is quite common for them to organise and spend Christmas with other ex pats. Maybe you have made her upset re the dog and payment maybe a bit over zealous and is using her dh as an excuse??

[gettheetoanunner...]

I'd be upset.
She suggested it, you had discussed plans at length.
You were considerate to offer food money to offset the cost, especially given their money troubles
I agree - sounds like a backflip as she had not discussed it with her husband and he has put the kybosh on it.


She screwed up - she knows it and you know it.

If the friendship is dear to you, try and let it go, if you can.

[jo-v]

We consider each other family and the kids call them auntie/uncle. She was fully in agreement re the dog as knows it has a tendancy to bite kids.

They had asked us for money a few weeks ago which we were happy to lend, have done before and visa versa. We oferred to pay for food on top of this to help out more.

[dulcinea]

I don't think the dog thing was rude, but that is not what the OP was asking anyways. I do think you just have to find some other way to celebrate and forgive your friend, Jo-V.

I would be feeling a bit hurt as well. However it is their prerogative how they want to spend Christmas, and plans can change. At least there is plenty of time to arrange something else. Just the way things are really.

[starfire]

To be honest, it went both ways - I think it was rude that you stipulated that SHE put her dog in the kennels just so your family could enjoy the day. Um, if someone ever told me that, I would have been offended. It also sounds like you were making the whole day sound like too much work, offering to pay money to do things etc.

So in saying that I can understand her DH deciding not to do the whole friends plus family xmas thing and deciding to just keep it family only.

Why can't you just have Christmas day with your own family by yourselves? It will still be a lovely special occassion even if its not a BIG family affair like you said you would have liked.

I would apologise to your friend and if she is still keen on doing boxing day, I would turn up and bring a plate.

[jo-v]

My issue is is less that they want to do just family and more that she lied about inviting us, who the hell would invite themselves to someone else's house for Xmas? I get that her DH wans't happy with the plan and if she'd worded it differently maybe I wouldn't feel so hurt, I sure as hell don't owe her an apology.

I don't think gently asking if they would consider putting the dog in kennels to protect my kids is wrong, they have done this many times for parties because it can't be trusted.

[epl0822]

I'm sorry to hear...xmas holds a significant meaning for you and having a big get together obviously meant a lot too. And your friend has made plans with you, even going into specific discussions about food and dog etc - then went back on her word, didn't even have the decency to apologise, and now trying to blame you as a "misunderstanding."

Your friend acted poorly and should have clarified with her DH before making all the arrangements with you. Here's another thought though. Don't let this bother you or ruin your xmas. You don't necessarily need to have a big Christmas to have a good Christmas. Maybe from your childhood xmas has always been a big event but it doesn't always have to be like that. Invent your own xmas traditions and do something fun amongst your own DH and kids. Or invite people who don't have family around and see if they want to do something.

PS- I'm not really sure why the dog issue is being debated here. If a dog has bitten a child before and is prone to be unruly, it's not unreasonable for a guest to politely ask about keeping it away from children. It's not like you kidnapped the dog. What is wrong with making polite enquiries?