[Relish*]

Long story short, I grew up part of a conservative, catholic, farming family and have grown into a non-religious vegetarian lefty. Over the years I've butted heads with members of my family over various things, usually political or environmental issues, and I don't mind this - I actually enjoy a good heated debate and am not incapable of reflection when it's needed.
But lately I feel like my limits are being stretched, and I'm doubly aware of the examples being set for my now quite impressionable daughter. I honestly don't care about people disagreeing with me; I'm talking racist jokes at the Christmas dinner table, violently anti-refugee statements, blatant p*sstaking of vegetarianism (dad once tricked my then vegan DP into eating watermelon with his old butcher's knife), etc etc. I've asked Mum recently why she continues to support the catholic, church when she so vehemently disagrees with its handling of sex assault claims and she pursed her lips and told me it was all a but icky so she chooses not to think about it. I have also tried on several occasions to disclose my own.sexual assault and it's been repeatedly swept under the carpet... My family doesn't talk about 'that stuff'.

At the same time my parents,are great grandparents and have helped me so much especially since having children. I never went without and they are proud of me even though I have chosen a different path than one they would've chosen for me, inalmost every sense. I'm sure they respect me as their daughter, just not as a person :-( or at least that's how it feels. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Do you just grin and bear it? Or is it a constant battle like this forever? I don't mind standing up for what I believe in, but it's bloody exhausting it's always against your own family.

Sorry for typos am on my phone and it's late and im tired!

[BadCat]

Take out the veg and the religion and that's pretty close to my own familly dynamic. Racist jokes, diatribes against the refugees, slagging off gay people, all acceptable dinner conversation in my family.

I used to worry about how it would affect my kids but in the end they're my kids and they get the bulk of their attitudes and understanding of the world from DH and I. Nowadays we just roll our eyes and the kids know that we don't share whatever view is being espoused.

As far as butting heads with them, I just don't bother any more. They think I'm a PC weirdo (which is laughable) and I think they're a bunch of intolerant bogans. I just grin and bear it while I try to move the conversation to more palatable waters.

[FrogIsAFrogIsAFr...]

My siblings and I actually each come from different planets, from within different universes.

I have one brother who likes to throw out the bait - but that's all it is, bait - I'm tired of robust conversation with family which inevitably ends up with pursed lips and rolling eyes.

My thinking is; we're adults, we have had different experiences which have shaped our world views but at the end of the day - we're family. I avoid specific topics (drugs and suicide with Dad, refugees and boat people with my ex-army brother, religion & politics with my lawyer brother, pretty much everything is off topic with my biological mother except the weather etc).

Life is simple, ignorance is bliss, a moderate world view is safe and would you PLEASE pass the salt...

[Saecularis Angel...]

Somewhat similar, yes. (Different flavours with my family and DH's).

I try to think of it like this. Over time, DD is going to be exposed to the sorts of thinking I disagree with. If she gets it from extended family, it's more likely that I will know about it and be able to reflect with her about what she's heard and why mum and dad disagree. If she doesn't get it from family, it's more likely to be the school yard or random reading, and I won't necessarily have the same opportunity to respond. So in a way, I feel it's "safer" and more controlled, and I don't necessarily feel that's entirely a bad thing.

I've mostly given up fighting and talk about superficial stuff. It's just not worth it. At least part of the answer, for me, has been to realise that I'm much more educated than my parents; if they had had the same opportunities for learning that I've had, I expect they'd be very different people.

[ekbaby]

Sounds like my IL's. I don't initiate conversation on those topics that I know we are going to disagree on, but it's frustrating when all the other family members try to "bait" my DP. They find it amusing, but I don't think it's funny.

Differences of political opinion are fine, and I'm happy for my children to see that there are a range of opinions, but there are some things that I draw the line at- direct racism & homophobia being one. My FIL was once reading my DS a book and made comments to him about all the black characters are bludgers. That's just not on, it's not fair to use a 3yo to try and stir your adult daughter, and I won't cop my kid being told such hateful stuff. If that kind of stuff happens again and he doesn't stop, I will ask him to leave, or leave myself.

[niggles]

I can relate somewhat Relish except that there is more of a critical mass of diverse thinking amongst my siblings. There are just some topics we avoid I guess in order to keep the peace somewhat but the reality is that between some family members there will always be an unbridgable gap. It's the elephant in the room.

I think you have to consider how important maintaining these relationships is and how much energy you can put into them. And become adept at changing the subject respectfully (with respect for yourself as well as for them I mean) and then talking about that with your children later if necessary.

The fact they are unavailable to you with regards to support for the abuse you've received must be especially hurtful. I hope that's something you've been able to talk through with a counsellor.

[Relish*]

Thanks for the replies. I think the education thing is a really good point Ange, I know going to uni had such an impact on my ability to see things from a broader perspective, and in recognising the elements of my worldview that might be influencing my opinions. I know it's condescending but it makes me sad that my parents especially, have never learned this.

I made an off the cuff remark this morning (I'm staying at their place with the kids for a few days) about the Hey Dad guy - can't remember his name atm - and how sad it is knowing what we know now when we grew up watching the show, and Dad made a spitting comment like 'Pfft, you've got to wonder why it's taken this long to come out though, poor bloke'. It's these kinds of things that I find vile, to the point where if it was a friend making these kinds of statements around me, I'd distance myself from them. But because they're family, I don't.

I absolutely adored and idolised my father as a child, I think that's why I find his values and opinions, that are so different to those I look up to in a person now, so hard to accept.

[Quack Quack]

I am like this with My brother, we have never openly Argued as adults... But still rarely speak.

We have no common ground at all, He is about as far away from me and my values as you can get, and is arrogant enough that when I try to make an advance of being friends, just kind of brushes me off.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me too much, but last year he had a brain tumor (thankfully is ok now) and it made me cry so much for the Brother I wish I had. I think I was kind of mourning the loss of the brother I had when we were children rather than the arrogant prat I have now

[Relish*]

Niggles - thanks, yes it is hurtful but not surprising when you look at the culture that exists in my family. Even at the time (and it was many - 12? - years ago now) I knew it would never be something I could discuss openly with members of my family. Incidentally the family I've chosen - DP and his family - and not at all like this and while they have their own little dysfunctional family quirks, are on the whole a very open, honest and supportive unit

[Relish*]

I am like this with My brother, we have never openly Argued as adults... But still rarely speak.

We have no common ground at all, He is about as far away from me and my values as you can get, and is arrogant enough that when I try to make an advance of being friends, just kind of brushes me off.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me too much, but last year he had a brain tumor (thankfully is ok now) and it made me cry so much for the Brother I wish I had. I think I was kind of mourning the loss of the brother I had when we were children rather than the arrogant prat I have now

Hah, yes, I think this sums up the feelings I'm trying to process now. It's an interesting take on it - perhaps I'd be more at peace if I let myself 'mourn' the Dad from my childhood and work on accepting and getting to know this one? Interesting.