[trishalishous]

My DD has erbs palsy, and nerve damage on her left side. It is now pretty much gone, except for her left eye, which is droopy. As far as we know, it doesnt affect her vision at all. We were referred to a surgeon to have the eye lid lifted. Its a cosmetic procedure, involves a general anaesthetic and a few days in hospital, in the city. We've decided not to make the cosmetic change for her, and will reassess if it becomes an issue in school.
Now my FIL is 'concerned' about not having the op. he thinks she will be teased, and it will affect her life. I know he means well, but a gentle "we will let her decide when she is older, thank you for your love" hasnt worked, and hes emailed a letter from a top WA plastic surgeon, who he consulted without us knowing (hes a doctor so has the contacts)
I really dont want to be rude, but how do I tell him to butt out? He is a lovely person, I love him to pieces and would hate to hurt him. We became very close over the last 2 years, while I nursed MIL, and spent many nights talking until dawn.
or should I just ignore his suggestions, and go about our lives, and hope he drops the subject?

[kelnew]

Its never easy to tell well meaning family to stop interfering. You are lucky to have family that care however it is a decision that only you and your partner should make.
You have two options, continue to allow him to give advice and disregard it. Or tell him straight what your decision is and that you would love him to support you and your DD.

Ultimately his opinion does not have to affect the decisons you and your partner make. I think you have made the right decision and hopefully he will see that as your DD grows and many of his concerns dont come to fruition.

Good luck!

[Funwith3]

Its so nice that he really cares. You're lucky. Maybe you could follow his suggestions? Maybe you could contact the plastic surgeon. Cant hurt can it?

[Twolittleducks]

I guess you need (or your DH) needs to thank him for his feedback, say you've taken it on board and this is the decision you've made.

Personally, I would be listening very carefully to the advice from the medicos and weighing up the pros and cons. Not just the emotional impact of a droopy eye but also things like whether or not recovery from surgery would be easier/ harder while young and the risks involved.

Ultimately it's your DD decision when she is old enough to make it. But I would be wary of giving her an "issue" when it could be fixed now.

You're very lucky to have such a caring FIL.

Best wishes.

[kwiggle]

Perhaps go visit with the suggested surgeon and listen to his advice, then decide whether or not to proceed within your immediate family. That way you show your FIL that you've listened to his concerns, you get top notch advice and all it will cost you is some time and the surgeons fee?
Multiple opinions are fabulous when it comes to medical care, particularly elective surgery.

[Old Grey Mare]

As you say, his intentions are honourable - concern for your daughter. I would thank him for contacting the plastic surgeon and tell him that you will keep the information for future reference should you decide to proceed with surgery in future.

[Pooks*potters]

Ergh this is a hard one for me. Yes, you are the parents...

OP, I had cosmetic surgery as a child and I am so, so, so glad my parents did it before I had the self awareness to have been impacted by it.

I'm sorry, but as a grandparent I'd be strongly, strongly, strongly encouraging you to do it.

Eta, though it might not affect vision now, I believe it can lead to issues in the future and can also cause headaches from straining to lift the eyelid. Just because a procedure is "cosmetic" doesn't mean their aren't "functional" reasons to have it. My sister works in the field and I believe from what she has told me, a child's brain can actually adapt to issues with vision, and even when corrected down the track their brain may not adapt to the correction. I would be investigating this thoroughly and not relying on the fact that vision is ok now.

This post has been edited by Pooks_: 31/12/2012, 03:42 PM

[nationalvelvet]

I am sure he means well...but I think it's best to address this now.
Could you meet over coffee and just politely thank him for his concern/love for your child but that you and your DH have felt it best to wait until your child is old enough to decide.
I have some siblings who were born with disfigurements(much more severe).They did go on to have surgery but that was to improve their everyday living(cleft lip/palate)Even despite surgery, they were teased at school.
As an older person one of my brothers had further surgery and this greatly improved his appearance and speech.



all the best.

[Mumma3]

Slightly different, but I will share our experience.

DD was born with a birthmark on her tummy, of the kind that grows with the child, and it was dark brown. When she was little, we were told it could be done anytime, but as it was a type that could potentially grow malignant cells, it should be done before adulthood.

We had it checked at various times by the GP, but as the plastic surgeon was going to cost of $2000 out of pocket, it was a non urgent issue.

Cut forward to a couple of years ago, and it was causing significant issues - bleeding, itching etc and this time were referred to the the plastics department at the children's hospital.

The surgeon there told us how much better it would have been to have had it done when she was little. Certainly, over the years she had been teased about it A LOT , but we hadn't thought it was that bad a problem - kids will always find something to tease each other about.

Unfortunately, as we left it until she was mid teens, the healing is much longer and harder. The scar is more prominent and will stay prominent for longer. Trying to schedule surgery around the busy academic and extra curricular life of a teen was quite difficult, especially considering the recovery period.

If I had my time again, I would have sought the opinion of the paediatric plastic surgeon and got on the children's hospital waiting list then. I would realise the impact of an appearance difference on a young growing child, and how that can affect their self esteem, and I would have got the birth mark removed as soon as I could.

I would encourage you to at least consult and listen to this other specialist. It is helpful to have another opinion and to be able to talk through the implications of the various options.

Edited for spelling changing meaning!


This post has been edited by Mumma3: 01/01/2013, 08:26 PM

[erindiv]

The thing is, do you want to wait until she gets teased at school before you fix it? If she goes to school and gets teased, then gets it fixed, chances are kids will still tease her for what she used to have. I went to school wi a girl who had very prominent ears. She was constantly teased. After she had them pinned, she was then teased because hey, she used to have those big sticky out ears.

Wouldn't it be better to have it done before she even becomes aware of it being a possible teasing point?

This post has been edited by erindiv: 01/01/2013, 08:26 PM