[anonstar]

Hi,

I am a regular user but have gone anon for this because it is kind of unique to my situation. I would appreciate replies for advice and am hoping I have put this in the right spot.

Since last year my family have been running a business that keeps us constantly on our feet and running around like headless chooks until the late evening. I work full time at my office job and then take the hour and 20 minute commute to my family’s business in the evenings. This has been going on since the business opened mostly due to my parents being a very unorganised couple and me being super organised I just kind of took it on when they were ready to open to try to help them get on their feet. This just continued on and I was pretty much there 7 days a week going from my job to their business every night and being there all weekend.

Well, I am currently 22 weeks Pregnant and I am struggling. When I first fell pg and with the constant tiredness I cut back my time at the family’s business to only 1 day on the weekend (full day and evening) and 3-4 nights after my work.

I am now over half way into my pregnancy and am finding I am struggling even more with working there now but my mother just doesn’t seem to get it. I am tired all the time and grumpy and really just not enjoying my pregnancy at all but the feeling of obligation and then the guilt my mother puts on me keeps me going back there.

My father is kind of stuck as he knows how much they need me but also knows I am getting over it. My mum is quite demanding and a tad controlling and so for him he tries to leave it to us to sort out.



I have tried to approach the issue of when I will finish up but I always get silly responses like 'When I was pregnant I worked right up to when I had my kids'. When I tried to point out that she was only working 1 job not 2 (like me) and that hers was a nice office job, she just dismissed what I was saying. She then started on about how some women in other countries work labourous (sp?) jobs and stop to give birth and then go back to work not long after.....

The work at this business is very strenuous and hard, I am running around from the minute I get there until the time I get in the car to go home and on the weekend day that I work it’s the same from 10am to 9.30pm.

So, I am sure by this point you are probably wondering why I do this, my sibling who doesn't help out very much at all has asked many times. Its obligation, and knowing without me they will struggle, I feel this incredible guilt all the time and I cannot explain why. I just feel so bad for them, they opened this business in their 50’s and really didn’t fully understand just how physically demanding it was going to be and how much of their time would need to be devoted to the business



I am finding that my husband is getting increasingly frustrated because he is so thrilled about this baby and just wants me to enjoy being pregnant and to not be so tired and grumpy all the time. I also hardly see him. He also gets mad that after all the help he thinks they should be the ones to say stop working here now.

I know if I go to my mother, instead of her saying ok start to wind up you have been a wonderful help it will be well look what you are doing, leaving me in the lurch to do this all on my own. What am I going to do now.

I am sorry to be so long winded, I think I needed to get this out and vent mostly because I cannot tell my Husband everything that goes on and I obviously cannot talk to my parents. All my friends say bugger it, just tell her you don’t want to work there anymore but I just can’t get the words out to her. Is there anyone out there in their pregnancy that worked on their feet so much with so much running around and when did you feel like you couldn’t do it anymore? Also, how does one move past the family obligation and the fear that without you they will struggle, I do love my parents very much and want to do all I can for them but I need to find a way to stop all this extra work, I am tired and grumpy and my body is sore all the time.

[Ehill]

No advice on the family situation. But my own story. I owned my own cafe when I got pregnant with DD, the pregnancy happened WAY quicker than we thought it would so I was 3 weeks away from my due date on the biggest festival of the year in the area I owned the cafe.

So there I was at 8mo preggers......working these insanely long days on the busiest days we had ever had. On the busiest day of them all (there was a street parade), I was coordinating a stall to be set up, I was literally having heart permutations I was so stressed screaming at my DH to set up the stall, I carried a heavy coffee grinder, dropped it on my toe nearly breaking it, the vege man turned up with 5 bags of lettuce not 5kgs of lettuce, I was standing in the back staring at this freakin lettuce just doing circles going 'F£€K, F$&K', driving like a maniac to the supermarket and begging them for all the lettuce they had in their back room. This was all BEFORE spending 8 hours making coffee for a neverending line of customers.

That night we had dinner at the pub with some friends. I was having braxton hicks and I said that if I went into labour I would have to have a casear as I had no energy to push. I then hardly slept as my BH were so bad.

So sympathy, I know how you feel. I remember mopping floors at the end of 12hr days so tired I was using the mop to hold myself up.

You need to cut loose, you cant do what you are doing with a newborn so better to do it now than later.

[mmuc83]

Firstly, your obligation is to yourself and your baby.. what if soemthing happened to you whilst you were working this "strenuous" job? Would you ever forgive yourself?? More still, would your husband forgive you for working yourself into the ground for a business that is not yours, out of obligation which has ultimately cost you a possible child and put the extra strain on your relationship with your husbad?

I know its worse case scenario - but something you need to think about.

Your parents aren't young or naive - they entered into this business.. not you!

I'm not saying don't help but but they need to manage appropriately - could they hire someone to do the work that you do?

Ultimately - you need to put yourself first and your baby - the rest they just have to deal with it. Your dad needs to pull his head out of the sand and reign in your mum who keeps putting pressure on you rather than just leaving it to the two of you to sort it out!

I'm talking from experience as i was in a similar position to you - the relationship will survive you not helping out as much - whether the business survives who knows. If it doesn't then it's not your fault - it is the fault of your parents' lack of forsight and contingency planning.

Good luck! It should be such a happy time!!!

[belindarama]

I think it is lovely that you are trying to help them but realistically they must be aware that it has an expiry date.

I think you need to sit down and come up with a transition plan for them. Work out what you are covering for them and make a list of what they need to learn or what skills they need to take over.

Then make a plan to get that to happen and put an end date in place. Maybe write a list of the jobs and match up with skills required. If they have those skills great, if not then work out how to get them capable of doing it themselves. Then tackle them one at a time over the next month or so. Each time you go in get one of them to shadow what you are doing so they know how it is done and what is required.

Maybe give them some checklists if you have certain jobs you do each day/week.

When you sit down with them put it to them as a transition plan, rather than saying ok, I'm off, good luck. This way they have time to get used to the idea and feel that they are capable of taking over the aspects of the business you are taking care of rather than giving your mum an opportunity to be nasty about it.

[ZombieMum]

I have tried to approach the issue of when I will finish up but I always get silly responses like 'When I was pregnant I worked right up to when I had my kids'. When I tried to point out that she was only working 1 job not 2 (like me) and that hers was a nice office job, she just dismissed what I was saying. She then started on about how some women in other countries work labourous (sp?) jobs and stop to give birth and then go back to work not long after.....

This would really get to me, and would make me determined to stop helping them out.

Just tell them:
"I've been told I'm doing too much and I need to start taking it easy and put my feet up more. My blood pressure is a little bit high and I don't want to risk developing pre-eclampsia, so I won't be able to come over any more and help you guys out."

You need to put a stop to it immediately - this way they will hopefully take you seriously, and it also means you aren't around to hear your mum's BS and guilt tripping.

ps. They don't have to know who told you.

[beaglebaby]

As the PP have said, at some point this has to stop, you can't go on like this. Even if you force yourself to keep going while you are pregnant, and if you manage to get to term, what are you going to do with a newborn?

You need to put yourself and your baby - your parents grandchild, first.

I pushed myself at work in my first pregnancy, I had 10years experience, was the top of my field and thought I was indispensable. I started to develop high blood pressure and when I told my employer I needed to slow down there was more pressure. I developed Bells Palsy, that stopped me working as I couldn't see clients like that, but the manager still put pressure on me to work. Luckily for me my GP put his foot down hard and made me stop. Turns out I wasn't indispensable either, there's always someone who can do your job. In your case it may mean your parents have to employ someone, but that is a business cost they'll have to wear, better that than the health of their daughter or grandchild.

You have to say No.

[causeway]

I'm with Zombie Mum, pick a date and say that you'll be finishing up then. If your Mum goes on about women giving birth in the fields etc. just put your foot down and say 'this is the date I'm finishing'. Discussion over!

[Amy 1976]

Perhaps you could give them notice in the same way that you would resign from a job.

Give them a letter saying that you've been delighted to be able to assist them so far but given your changing circumstances, you're now going to bow out and concentrate on your full time job and your family obligations to your husband and unborn child.

If you give them a couple of weeks notice, they will have some time to make other arrangements if they need to.

You already know that you need to cut back so all you need to do is work up the courage to let your parents know.

Let us know how you go.

[qak]

As per PPs, you need to sort this out for your & your child's health. What you are doing would exhaust most people and is not sustainable while you are so pregnant or with a young child. They will have to take responsibility for their own business now.

[-Belinda-]

Their business and their responsibilty. Give them notice your notice and stick to it. Tell them it is on doctors orders if you need to.