[ssorrrento]

Mum is staying with us and her indecisive, wishy washy passivity is driving me crazy. Every time she visits (from the UK, for around 4 weeks), she turns into a child and I turn into the beeeaaatch daughter from hell. She says that she just likes to feel part of the family – my older sister just uses her for babysitting, and my younger brother is 29 going on 16. So I’m daughter number one who is getting very impatient with her.

She’s a brilliant help around the house (she’s a housekeeper in the UK, so it’s second nature to her), but she needs constant ‘mothering’ in anything else. We let her have a car, but she doesn’t feel confident driving any further than the beach or local shops.

I’ll ask her if she’d like to go to x, y or z and she’ll say neither yes or no and waffle about the cost of petrol or something else, or some other reason why we can’t do the activity, when I know she’d really like to do it. I’ve told her that I wouldn’t suggest doing something if I didn’t want to do it, but it’s gone in one ear and out of the other. I’d booked her favourite restaurant for Sunday lunch, assuming that she’d want to go. When I mentioned it, she said it was too expensive (even though we’re paying to thank her for her help). So I cancelled it and suggested a drive into the hills instead. When I told her I’d cancelled it, she said had she known I’d made a reservation, she’d have gone for lunch. I’m so confused! Yes or no. It’s not hard.

It feels like she’s being a martyr and wants me to insist that it’s all ok. I really can’t put a label on her behaviour, but it’s driving me crazy and so I’m getting snappy and grumpy with her.

Her constant questions for some reason annoy me. I feel like she tries to control me with her suggestions, (eg are you going to go for a run now?) which also gets on my nerves, although I’m sure it’s all innocent on her part. I’m 40 years old and I really don’t know why I’m feeling like this.

I don’t do tact very well and don’t know how to tactfully deal with her without offending her (which is easily done – she’ll take her bat and ball home and feel that she can’t say anything else ever).

Advice?

[JustBeige]

How long has she got before she goes home?

The reason I ask is if she has been there for 2 days then your way of handling this is different than if she only has 2 days left iykwim.

To start with though, if you are going to do something that you know she will like, just tell her. dont ask. If she starts "oh that is too expensive" just cut her off (nicely) and tell her not to worry as you are covering it and tell her that you wouldnt do it, if you couldnt afford it.

tbh, she sounds like my MIL. She stresses because she knows that we are on a very tight budget, but I find that if i bluntly say "we wouldnt do it, if we couldnt afford it" it seems to make her more at peace.

This post has been edited by JustBeige: 31/01/2013, 12:01 PM

[erindiv]

I don't have any advice, sorry, but I applaud your patience so far.

[Holidayromp]

Just don't change your plans - stick with the original plans. Also why don't you just talk to her and how it is making you feel. It is not much fun if she has gone to all the trouble of visiting and you two have issues and often it is just communication breakdown.

Just talk.

[50ftqueenie]

She sounds like a great house guest. Cleaning, not too demanding, but I see how the indecision would get annoying. It sounds like she doesn't want to 'get in the way', maybe just go about your usual business and let her tag along. As for the lunch thing, some people think it's polite to offer a protest at any offer of a free meal. Couldn't you have just told her that you WANT to pay for her and not taken no for an answer. It wouldn't have occured to me to cancel a reservation because my Mum seemed funny about me paying for her.

It's tough having someone in your space for 4 weeks, but keep in mind it's also tricky being someone's guest for that length of time too. Grin and bear it and put her to work on your spring cleaning (that's what I do if my Mum is staying )

[Katie_bella]

I'll probably be flamed, but i seriously think it's part of English culture in people of a certain age!
My In-laws are the same.....HOPELESS! When they stay with us, they can't make a decision to save themselves. They just sit on the couch and watch us....drives me batty!
I find i just have to organise activities and tell them what we're doing. I feel like a beeeach too, but it's the only way i can get through the visit without going completely off my rocker everytime they say "oh, maybe, well if you want to" etc etc.

I feel your pain.....

[RatbagBob]

I would probably try and *not* ask for her input, but just tell her "we're doing x, y & z"

[Foxycleopatra]

Oh my goodness this is my mother to a 'T' as well, only add 'aggression' on the end of the passivity and a liberal dose of defensiveness to the mix. Totally understand the martyr thing though.

Sorry, I'm no help - just wanted to add that I can sympathise with you for so many of the points you raised! Will be interested to read other's stories and suggestions as well..

Good luck, patience is key!

[bakesgirls]

TBH, if it were my mother who was coming from overseas to spend time with me, no matter how irritating it became, I would just ignore it. Saying something may lead my mum to feeling uncomfortable visiting me in the future. It's only a few weeks.

Perhaps she is aware of the fact that having someone stay for a few weeks leads to increased costs for the household? Perhaps thats why she passively protests about the cost of things? Perhaps she doesn't want her visit to put you out too much.

[Wahwah]

I hear you OP, my mum is a lot like this as well.

She is wonderful and helps at a drop of a hat, but is very passive about everything, which means I always have to do the decision making and organising. I appreciate that she is deferring her needs over what she thinks are mine, but really, I just don't want to be the one who has to do all the thinking, all the time. Especially when she then sometimes accuses me of treating her like a child!!!! Can't win.

So I don't really have any advice, but sometimes I do force her to make a choice, when the 'I don't mind' has gone on for too long. I do it in a kind of jokey way though.