[Copacetic]

Its Rude to Stare

This article on Mama Mia seems to have quite a few people up in arms and I'm just wondering what people here thing?

I'm obviously on the side of agreeing with the writer - this sort of article is what a lot of people ask for - "How do I treat disabled children and their carer's" and its all there in black and white. Please do this, please don't do that. Not politely - it was clearly written when she'd had enough - but still, well thought out and well written.

Curious about opinions here on EB regarding it.

[niggles]

It was clear and concise. I found the tone a little patronising but it seemed to be grounded in frustration rather than malicious intent so it didn't worry me.

One thing I noticed is she expects others to behave in a certain way and address her in a certain way, according to her own standards but wasn't happy to do the same thing for the support group that asked her to use certain terminology. I found that a little contradictory that she would set a series of 'this is how it's universally done' guidelines when she herself has encountered universal guidelines that just don't apply to her. So I'm not sure how much she speaks for people with disabilities and how much she just speaks for herself. I'd assume the latter and welcome her insights.

The end.

[Sinister Bonnet]

She is only saying that people need to treat her and her child the same way as they treat other people, not prescribing how she is spoken to.

The trisomy 21 nonsense is just about nomenclature and is silly. Both terms are correct so it was a strange thing to insist on.

[Jax12]

Clearly the tone is one of frustration and at times I felt a bit like a scolded child, but I totally agree with the sentiment of the article.

One thing stood out for me in regards to when her child is behaving badly:

Please do not react sympathetically, like using a smile-with-head-tilt.

I do this to any parent I see with a kid playing up, just as I appreciate the same from others when DS is having a meltdown in the middle of Coles. I much prefer it to the death glares and I interpret it as being understanding, not condescending. But then I don't have to deal with staring, rudeness and insensitive comments so don't have a (justified) chip on my shoulder about these kinds of looks.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

How to behave around a person with a disability? As you would a person without a disability.

Sounds like common sense to me. Why would people be huffy about that? I thought it was concise and polite enough.

I didn't find the tone patronising but I do agree with Niggles about her reaction to the support group being contrary.

[niggles]

She is only saying that people need to treat her and her child the same way as they treat other people, not prescribing how she is spoken to.

The trisomy 21 nonsense is just about nomenclature and is silly. Both terms are correct so it was a strange thing to insist on.

I get that and understood her objection. I just thought it was a good example that people with disabilities can have diverse opinions about how they'd like to be treated in the same way any group of people can.

I should add, since you sort of asked, that I'm suprised people would take issue with it. I didn't see anything provoking in it. Maybe I'm looking for content that might have led to controversy.

This post has been edited by niggles: 31/01/2013, 02:54 PM

[erindiv]

I think it's toeing a very fine line between respecting the person with the disability and alienating them further.

Saying "Don't let your child stare," is a bit odd. What are we supposed to do, put our hand over our child's eyes? But that would be offensive then, I suppose, because we're treating the person with the disability like some kind of monster, some horrible being we don't want our child to look at.

Telling your child "I have no idea" or "It's none of our business" only serves to further leave your child thinking that this other person is 'different', and not in a good way. What's wrong with educating children on people with disabilities? Are we supposed to brush all these disabilities under the proverbial rug and act, to our children, like there is no such thing as disabled people?

"When they misbehave, react as you would with any other mother and child". But apparently a sympathetic smile-and-head-tilt is a no no. Well, that's my standard reaction to someone else's child misbehaving. What am I supposed to do? She says what NOT to do, but not what TO do.

I also don't understand her reluctance to use the term Trisomy 21. It doesn't take seriousness away from her son's diability. It's just a word, FGS.



Saying that everyone should act the same around a person with a disability as they would with a person without one is easier said than done. People who haven't had much experience with people with disabilities are naturally going to feel awkward (especially if their parents have constantly covered their eyes, told them not to look and that disability is none of their business). When people act differently, it might just be because they don't know what to do, especially if the person with the disability does something that might alarm them or embarress them. Not everyone is good at putting on a smile and acting normal.


The whole article has an angry, defensive tone about it. I do see the point she is trying to get across, I really do. But sometimes it is not just as simple as "acting normal". Some people can do it. Some can't. And it's unfair to place judgement on someone who might feel awkward and act 'wrong' in these situations.

[Copacetic]

Saying "Don't let your child stare," is a bit odd. What are we supposed to do, put our hand over our child's eyes? But that would be offensive then, I suppose, because we're treating the person with the disability like some kind of monster, some horrible being we don't want our child to look at.

Telling your child "I have no idea" or "It's none of our business" only serves to further leave your child thinking that this other person is 'different', and not in a good way. What's wrong with educating children on people with disabilities? Are we supposed to brush all these disabilities under the proverbial rug and act, to our children, like there is no such thing as disabled people?

But can't you help them to learn about disability whilst also encouraging them to not stare?

[erindiv]

But can't you help them to learn about disability whilst also encouraging them to not stare?

It's hard to get kids not to stare. It's what they do. But then she says "It's none of our business". Thereby closing the communication lines re disabilities and what they're all about.

[Sinister Bonnet]

I've got zero difficulty with judging people who choose to see people with disability as other and different and who can justify feeling 'wrong' or 'awkward' around them.

It's a choice to see people with disability as wrong and awkward if they are provoking feelings like that in you and it's up to you to sort out why you think it's OK to do that.

Also if your child is so badly socialised and so cushioned from normal society that they stare at people with disabilities, just consider what you would do or say if they stared or were openly rude to people of colour? Would you be comfortable with saying nothing because it might imply there is something wrong with the person of colour or would you cover their eyes (what the christ?)?