[Elizabeth Swann]

Has anyone moved in with a parent? Due to circumstances, I am selling my home and have moved to my mum's house. She needs help getting the house ready to rent out half of it, and I had to leave the unsafe area we were living. 8 years in that house but it got worse and worse, last year was a terrible year, then we had our lives threatened so left.

Anyway, I expect it will take a few months to sell, and also a few months to fix up this house downstairs.

How do people set boundaries? As in, with their kids? Routines? When living with a parent who thinks they can do it better? I want to make this work, in fact, I have no choice now due to finances, but I want it to be pleasant. Any advice?

[epl0822]

Difficult one - in my experience it depends a lot on your parents.

My mum is very conscious of boundaries when it comes to my parenting. She will not even take my DS out for a walk without asking me first. She reminds my sister (who is still young and lives at home) to ask me permission before doing certain things with DS. Mum never, ever criticises me although I know there are some major differences with our parenting methods. My dad's interaction with DS is limited due to his own busy life so there have never been any issues there. So if I had to live with my parents, it won't be difficult.

My ILs on the other hand are more hands-on with their grandparenting. We have boundary issues with them and I would only live with them under extreme circumstances (and it sounds like yours is one of them ). I know they love DS more than anything but it is very difficult to enforce boundaries. If we had to live together I would have the conversation before moving in: about what my expectations are, what "rules" I want to set up, ask what they expect of me, and so on. It's easier to discuss things before the conflict occurs and there are high emotions involved.

You know your parents well, obviously, and presumably have a good idea on where you might clash. My personal view is that while you should make a conscious effort to respect their way regarding most things (since they are your parents, you're under their roof and so on), it's reasonable to request they respect YOUR parenting methods and avoid interfering.

[Elizabeth Swann]

It's just my mum. She's on her own in a low paying job, and she has bad arthritis. So she's having a tough time. I'm wanting to make it work, really, but she has boundary issues.

[dogma]

You need to have a really frank conversation with your mum about boundaries before moving in.

Will you be sharing the kitchen/living area or are there two spaces?

Don't want to be negative, but without real understanding and agreement about how it will work, you could end up destroying your relationship.

I know I would find it really hard - my mum holds the "while you're under my roof" over me even when we're just there for a short visit. (Like tonight when she gave 3.5yo a packet of cheezels at 8pm. Aarrrgggghhhh!!)

[leisamd]

We tried this last year with my mum. huge MISTAKE. We don't speak any more now... boundary issues to say the least!

ETA - we did try to set boundaries. Some worked well, we all agreed on the division of space/labour etc. No problem. Others we agreed on but one party kept shifting the goal posts whenever they felt like it!

We also lived with the in-laws which was mostly fine. But then DH is excellent about dealing with them & boundaries, and they are great people. We did have to let a lot of things go - as did my in-laws I'm sure.

Oh it was such a relief to get into our own space again!

[75etd]

We've recently had my Mum move in with us, and to date it's going just fine. Yes it's our house, but it's also my Mums home. I ensure the children don't invade her personal space to much. She buys them lots of things I wouldn't, and does activities with them that I wouldn't and don't really consider age appropriate-ie 2yo and Texts, with limited supervision, candy canes galore, donuts for a gluten intolerant child, etc. but, I just suck it up. If it's a safety issue that's a different matter. Also I've found the novelty of some things has worn of with my Mum-eg she's seen the meltdowns which occur after drinking sugar laden, numbers laden, crap drinks marketed at children.

So although it's not the same situation as yours, I often ask myself "how big is it on a scale of 1 to 10", and tailor my response based on this. Safety issues are ALWAYS a 10.

Life is too short to be in conflict with loved ones, when it doesn't rate highly on my scale

[FrogIsAFrogIsAFr...]

My best friend moved back with her mum about 2 years ago. They have separate living space for the kids. They have clearly divided 'chores', and her mum doesn't interfere with the parenting. I know this can be very frustrating, because my friends mum complains to me about it sometimes. Her mum does help out a lot with pick ups from school, and cooking, while my friend does a lot of housework (nn = "Cinderella" ).

On the whole, it works for them, but I think my friend is infantilized at times! I couldn't do it for that long.

[elmo_mum]

dh and i moved in with his folks and the 2 furbabies

when we were looking at houses, we needed a house with 2 separate living areas

worked ok

they were in their half we had ours

we ate together - we shared cooking
his mum cleaned communal areas, we looked after ours

it worked well

[Elizabeth Swann]

It worked ok to start with, but while DD is at school, I have been dealing with getting the house sorted, organising paperwork to put a resume together for some casual school hours work, I have been doing all the cleaning, most of the shopping and most of the cooking. She cooks meat if she wants to add it to ours, unless it's pasta or something. I don't mind doing it, but I do mind being asked what I did all day. We have a cat and dog, she has a cat and dog too. Things happened in a way that really meant no chance to sort it out beforehand. School started back last week, which meant my mum is also back at work and it seemed to all change. The downstairs area isn't really liveable yet. There are power points in the laundry area, the washing machine and dryer are connected to one lot and there is an upright freezer and soon to be fridge to the other. While it has 3 bedrooms, they are not sealed, there's no power, there is no toilet and it doesn't fully lock. All things I am fixing up or assisting in the cost of fixing up. It shouldn't take much to seal, add screens and make it lockable, but it needs at least a small ensuite style bathroom which shouldn't be too much with the set up, and it needs power to the rooms.

I'm paying to stay here, paying for a house on the market, covering living expenses, on a Carer Payment so it will be slow going. Even getting the screens and locks (pick up this w/e) isn't cheap.

[71Cath]

I did it when my marriage broke up, I stayed almost 12 months. I also had no choice due to finances etc.

It was extremely hard, but I was desperate.

I did try to talk about boundaries with the kids etc, my parents ignored all of it. I ended up spending as much time out of the house as possible.

Good luck OP, I hope it works better for you.