[LulaBelle]

My DH and I have been together many years and have 2 small children. About 3 years ago both of us were unhappy in our relationship and DH had a fling with a random person. We went to counselling and decided to start afresh. We have what I would say is a good relationship now. I am still having issues trusting him and we have minor flare ups from time to time but mostly we are okay. I'm a SAHM and DH has quite a good job that involves long hours. We have a good group of friends and we rarely socialize with his work colleagues.
About 8 months ago I was using DH's fb account (we use each others quite often it's never been a big deal) when I found a deleted message. It was from a woman that cleans his office. She's around the same age as me and is friends with a lot of his work friends on fb. She sent him through a friend request weeks earlier that he had deleted. I asked who she was and he told me. He also said she was quite friendly and chatted to most of the guys in his office. I asked him not to get chatty with her as I don't know her and don't think it's terribly appropriate for her to be adding him to fb. The message I found was just a cheery hello, how are you and telling him she was working somewhere else sort of stuff. Nothing in it at all. I was a bit peeved he deleted it without telling me and mentioned this specifically at the time. He said he wouldn't delete stuff like that without telling me in the future. All good.
On Friday, DH asked me to reply on an event for him on his fb. After doing that, I checked his message folder and again noticed there was a deleted message from this same girl. It had been sent 2 days prior and he hasn't replied to it and she's not on his friend list. It was quite flirty with saying "hey possum I miss your sarcasm at work" but she also said she hoped him and his family had a good Christmas. I asked DH why he had deleted it and he said he had forgotten to tell me and hasn't replied so he didn't think it was an issue. I'm really upset with him because I view it as lying. I don't think he would have told me if I hadn't found it. DH wrote a reply to her after our discussion that said along the lines of "I don't think it's appropriate to send me personal messages. My wife doesn't know you and therefore I'd prefer you stopped". She immediately sent one back that said "oh sorry, I forget this stuff didnt mean anything by it won't be a problem for you now". She then blocked him.
DH still thinks I'm over reacting and doesn't see an issue with not telling me about the message and hiding it from me. I'm upset because I feel it's a violation of trust. I explained (as I have countless times) that if he were honest straight up, I wouldn't have gotten suspicious or upset.
So am I paranoid? Or is he in the wrong? Most importantly, what do we do about it? Thanks for any help.

[KT1978]

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[FlowersForAlgern...]

I think you are over reacting and I think you have a perfectly good reason to be doing so!

I think, in a healthy solid relationship with no trust issues, you would be being paranoid - your DH did not reply or respond or friend this woman. He deleted her messages as soon as he received them, which is possibly, in his mind, even more effective than telling you about them. He did not even wait for your direction to delete them - saw them and acted.

However, given the issues of the past and his infidelity, I think it's totally reasonable that you feel your trust is being challenged, and you have this need to control HOW he responds. Because I think that might be what it's about - you don't trust him and you want to control who he communicates with and how, "just in case".
Normally deleting the messages would be more effective than telling you about them and seeing what you want him to do. They are gone. (mostly!)
But since your trust is shaky, you seem to need him to know that you know ..... and you get to decide what he does.

I'd seek counselling so you can learn to not only be "mostly happy" again together, but so you can learn to trust him again and have a healthy relationship. One that includes trust.

I hope you can work through it.

[Magnus]

I think it can be easy to be concerned if you've been cheated on in the past and to have trust issues.

But I think it's pretty normal for your DP to add people to facebook that they don't know very well. Most people I know have a couple of hundred friends so it's not likely they know all of them well.

The messages sound pretty harmless.

[Tammy Swanson]

Sorry OP but you are paranoid. You say it is 'all good' but it doesn't sound all good at all. Sounds like you are still making your DH pay for the sins of his past. I understand how hard it must be to get past an affair as my best friend has been through it years ago but every time her DH even looks at a woman he still cops it.

You are way overreacting as if DH had anything to hide why would he ask you to go into his FB account in the first place?? Besides why is it inappropriate for a work mate, female or not to be friends with DH with out your 'approval'. Sounds like you really need to forgive and forget and really move on.

[lizzzard]

Your DH did something wrong in the past but his recent behaviour sounds very harmless.

[Mis-Placed]

i think you are completely over-reacting (however i can understand why, given your background..) however you need to recognise that you are the one with the issue and not him. he hasn't been inappropriate in the slightest and has done everything you have asked him to do... i.e. asking her not to msg him etc. which honestly may have come across as very strange to her?

What should you do about it? I think you should trust your husband and give him the benefit of the doubt, you can end up driving yourself crazy being suspicious of every little thing like this, you will enjoy life much more trusting each other and openly communicating.

[Roobear]

I think you are really OTT. What more can he do?

I would suggest that you go back to counseling because it seems to me you are not over his cheating. (I don't blame you for not being over it because cheating under any circumstance is a deal breaker for us but if you do want to move forward as you say, go back and work on your issues)

This post has been edited by Roobear: 11/02/2013, 10:11 PM

[Jemstar]

You're being ridiculous.

[LifesGood]

You're being ridiculous.

No really. Just come right out and say what you think.