[Pooks*potters]

I'm wrestling with this at the moment.

We agreed before we even conceived DS that I would be a SAHM for the first year, no questions asked, then review the balance at that time.

We have both agreed that, since there isn't a financial *necessity* for me to return to work (though of course the thought of extra money is always a nice one, although me working anything less than full time would not give us much of an immediate financial advantage), it's best for us at this time if I stay a SAHM *for now*.

However the need to justify my SAHM-ness seems to have really increased since DS has been approaching age one.

I've looked into getting part time work in my field, 1-2 days, but it's pretty much impossible to find. If I'd been able to go on mat leave instead of resigning (long story) I might have been able to negotiate part time but coming in as a new person, it's pretty rare and the jobs I've seen want people with way more experience than me.

There have been aspects to not being employed that I really have struggled with, especially keeping up my interests related to my profession, and I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of "keeping house" and I am pretty average at it.

However I've made a concerted effort to make some positive changes. We have activities 3 days a week (kindagym, swimming lessons, music time), I have enrolled in part time online study, and I'm getting involved in some volunteer work somewhat related to my profession. I'm feeling really good about it. Actually I'm feeling more comfortable with where I'm at now, than I have in a long, long time.

I also have this feeling... (And I don't mean this as a criticism to working mums, because a) I've always planned to be one, b) I probably will be one soon enough and c) this is about me, not anyone else) that DS is just not ready for childcare. Even at kindagym he is around my ankles and gets overwhelmed. He is a bit behind, developmentally. He loves seeing other children but he can't interact with them much. And he is quite a sensitive type who won't sleep unless things are *just so* and can suddenly get quite overwhelmed and hysterical and even mum or DP struggle to comfort him when that happens. And we had such a rough start, he and I, that I feel like in the last few months we have just started to have a much better relationship and I'm keen to help him feel more secure. Then I wonder if it is me with the attachment issues, not him...

At the moment I feel like I would prefer to be at home with him, or worked very part-time, until he is 2 1/2-3, and perhaps won't need a day nap and will get more out of interacting from other kids.

I realise this will have implications for our income and my career but I am even more uncomfortable with some of the alternatives. The only alternative I can imagine is that DP goes to part-time, but that would hinge on my finding part-time work.

So I'm wondering, how did you come to decide to be a SAHM, and for how long? It's certainly an unpopular decision in my circles beyond the first 6-12 months, and one I know I'll be quizzed about. I'm curious, please share!

[galleygirl]

Hi,

Like you we decided before conception that I would stay at home. We never put a time frame on it but I planned to work in his business as needed and be with the kids. I was a flight attendant prior to kids and returning to that just wasn't practical for us.
After 2 years and 2 kids I started a small business which helped me learn new skills and created a sense of independence. In in all I was a SAHM for 5 years. After such time I became separated and now divorced. In hindsight Im really pleased I was able to be there for my kids full time. It is difficult but worth it. On the flip side I do feel a bit resentful having been 5 years out of the workforce. I still run my small business but needed to source full time office work after the divorce for financial reasons. I had to start from the bottom again. Had I worked at least part time, I would have felt better prepared to enter the workforce. Everyone's situation is different. You have to so what's right for you. Further study, volunteering are both great things to do during this time. It's good you are thinking about it all and being proactive. Good luck!

[Flaxen]

I was working FT in a job I hated, and was actively looking for a new job when I concieved DD.
A week after i found out i was PG I was offered two jobs but turned them down due to my changed circumstances.
I went on maternity leave from the job that I hated but stayed at, and 6 months later resigned as it was clear i wouldnt return there.
Childcare is not something i want to do with DD, but i would have had our finances been less than adequate. We have had to make adjustments, but its not been much of a change as we thought it would be.
It has also opened up the option for us to move to the country, if i was in a job still i would have balked at the idea, thinking it couldnt be done. But with nothing to tie me down there, and with DH's job being on the road, we had no problems making the move - I wish we'd done it earlier now.
I love being a SAHM, and in my circles its common, as is working part-time, so i didnt feel the need to justify it to anyone. I dont think you should ever be concerned with what others think of your decisions, do what is right for you and your family.

This post has been edited by Flaxen: 18/02/2013, 09:16 AM

[kreme]

I pretty much adopted a wait and see attitude because I knew that many of my friends changed their minds about what they wanted to do after the baby was born.

After my first child I went back to work but it was a no brainer. I was working 3 days a week, but 2 were from home and only 1 in the office. My mum volunteered to come to stay for the 2 days I was at home so she looked after DD while I worked. And because we only needed one day of care we were able to afford a nanny for the day I worked in the office. And if that wasn't good enough, I was already pregnant with my 2nd when I went back to work, so I knew it would only be for 6 months.

I enjoyed working, but circumstances changed by the time my second round of maternity leave ended. My mum didn't feel able to look after 2 kids so close in age, my manager left and the new one "didn't believe in" people working from home . So it would have meant putting 2 kids in daycare 3 days per week and spending 6 hours a week commuting. I decided to resign and I have been a SAHM ever since. My kids are now 6.5 and 5. I work part time from home (contracting for my old employer - apparently working from home does work after all )

For me avoiding daycare was a big driver. I'm just not keen on MY babies and little kids going to daycare (that's for my kids, I have no opinion on what others do!) and really wanted to keep them at home until they were 3.

But that isn't a reason I feel comfortable sharing with others because sometimes it offends them if they have chosen daycare for their kids. So I would just be vague when questioned, using phrases like "we're happy so we are just going to carry on the way we are for now".

Many people have said things to me that were rude, obnoxious and just plain ridiculous. My kids did not end up clingy and refusing to leave my side, in fact they have both transitioned to preschool and school with ease. And my brain hasn't withered up and died.

But it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, because we are comfortable with our decision. As a family we are very happy and our stress levels are very low, which is what we wanted to achieve.

My advice would be just consider what matters to you and your partner. The opinions of others are irrelevant. Good luck with the decision

[Red nut]

I'm an older mum, and have spent my whole adult life working to get where I am career wise. I earn twice as much as DP, which makes it well worth while after childcare costs. I think I would deskill pretty quickly with prolonged time off, though part time is a very realistic option. And I love my work, look at it as a vocation, and find it very rewarding.

For these reasons, I doubt I will ever be a stay at home mum. But were my work circumstances different, then I think there are tons of benefits to being a SAHM, and my decision might be quite different!

[Maple Leaf]

It wasn't a hard decision for me. I always knew that I would have 3-4 years at home with child 1 until she goes to kindy and then 3-4 years at home with child 2 as well. DH was right on board with it too.

It's always been the plan, I feel no guilt about it and honestly would feel more guilty using daycare as it's just not for us.

You just have to follow your heart.

DD2 starts kindy next year, 2 days a week- and I will be into my second year of study (starting a new course this year) and then hopefully will creep back into the workforce.

I fully expected to put my career on hold for this amount of time and couldn't imagine it any other way.

The vast majority of my friends are SAHM (one other friend works 3 days a week and dislikes it and would desperately like to drop down to 2 days) so I've had no one judging me at all as we all seemed to do the same thing.

[zande]

For me (and my DH) it was never a "decision", we always said way before I got pregnant I would be staying home until our kids reached primary school. I didn't have a career to give up, so that might have helped. And we were fortunate that DH earned more than enough for me to stay home (and we didn't really have to make many financial sacrifices).

It's a decision I've never regretted. Having said that, my youngest started f/time school last year and I now work 3 school-hour days a week and I love it! I also have some flexibility in my work days so don't miss out on school stuff, and I get all of school hols off (and no, I'm not a teacher!). Best of both worlds for me now.

[Glorious]

I have been on maternity leave since the start of May 2012, and in the past week have decided that this May when I am due to go back to work that I am only going to do one day a week. I am also finishing my degree and if I were to go back full time I would have to drop down to part time study, which would double the time I have left studying, so my theory is short term financial pain for longer term gain.
Also it will enable me to have the next year with my DD before I enter the workforce in a new industry which will require lots of time and energy, and DP would then reduce his workload to care for DD and study.

[Elizabeth Swann]

I didn't really decide. Financially I had to return to work when my daughter was 1 because of rent increases, as a single parent with no other source of income, I really needed to work to cover rent.

An opportunity came up for me to buy a house, although my mum had to go on the loan with me which meant no FHOG and I was working ft until my daughter was 6.

At that time, the childcare centre cut out OSHC, the school had a huge wait list, my child was struggling emotionally and I was unable to find school hours work. I worked as a casual for the next 2 years, sometimes getting 28 hours for the week, sometimes getting nothing.

My child's anxiety increased when she hit Year 3 at age 8 and I was unable to work and am still not working.

So each time I have worked, or not work, there have been multiple factors. Not purely financial.

[HollyOllyOxenfre...]

Both DH and I were on the same page with having a SAHP when our kids were little. DH earns a truckload more money than me, enjoys his job and goes a bit strange when he's at home for long periods. I on the other hand hated my job, earned pretty mediocre money and quite enjoy being at home. I also loved my time in childcare and working with kids, so while I knew it would be different being my own child, I knew I could handle days on end of looking after a child. We waited and paid off debts and got ourselves sorted financially so that I didn't have to go back to work. While there is always the option for me to go back to work if I want to, I don't right now.

DH grew up with a SAHM, and loved it. I grew up spending a lot of time with my grandparents and as a latchkey kid, and while it wasn't all bad, I wanted something different for our family. We are in the fortunate position that it's an option financially, but I also know we would have made further sacrifices if necessary to make it work.

I've always been very conscious of maintaining who I am outside of being "just a mum". This has probably been a bit easier for me than some because my work wasn't something that contributed to my identity, it was just a job that paid the bills. I'm starting part time study next week so that I'll be qualified if and when I do return to work, and I've joined a gym so that I have a few hours a week where I'm solely thinking about myself. The house is not immaculate, but it never was, and it was never part of the deal. The key for us is that communication is always open, and the times I've felt DH is not pulling his weight or expecting too much from me just because I'm at home, I've called him on it and we've fixed it. So I'd suggest if you do decide to remain a SAHM, make sure you keep talking to each other and that you're both clear on the expectations of each other's roles in the household.

As far as what people say? Rarely does a week go by when I'm not asked when I'm going back to work. A lot of the time a simple confident "I'm not for the moment, we're able to have me at home and we prefer that for DS" is all that's needed. If pressed, it's a matter of childcare in the city would mean me earning next to nothing, which is not worth the trade off, and childcare where we live would mean DH and I needing to split our shifts and barely see each other, which is also not worth the trade off. It's a little bit BS, but no one questions it.

Good luck with your decision