[testify]

I have this problem where I have befriended a person who I thought was different to who she actually is.


Since getting to know her we have really radically different ideas on certain issues. She is ultra religious, thinks abortion is evil, thinks any kind of scientific quest for knowledge of the universe is useless (I'm an armchair astronomer), hates mining and thinks it rapes and pillages the earth (my partner is is mining). I could go on and on.


Anyway, we are now at a point where we work and study together. I want to distance myself from her, not because she's mean, but because I find her views just really different to me. She is a very principled person and stands by these views very vocally.

How do you distance yourself from someone who is not nasty but whose views just really annoy you. They aren't hurtful views, but they make me stabby. Do you bring it up with them? Do you keep it to yourself and distance yourself by not returning e mails/ phone calls.


How do you lose a friend with out telling them to get lost?

This post has been edited by Omega_particle: 25/02/2013, 09:09 AM

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

Is she actively pursuing a friendship with you? And keen to catch up regularly?

[testify]

She is, very often in fact.

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

Does she realise that you do not hold the same views? Does she notice the friction?

[testify]

Yes she knows we are different but I don't go on about it. She's staunchly stubborn, there is no point and she gets sore easily.

[Therese]

I'm not very good at confrontation so I would just distance myself from her.

[SarahM72]

I would think it would be diffcult to have friends at all if you expected them to think the same way on everything as you do. Differences of opinion are to be expected.

Also if she is a good study/work partner and helps you with study and work you may just be disadvantaging yourself.

Maybe just avoid the touchy subjects when you are with her? I mean, how often does talk about these subjects come up in eveyday conversation anyway? It can't be that difficult to avoid.

This post has been edited by SarahM72: 25/02/2013, 09:10 AM

[blackcat20]

I'm not very good at confrontation so I would just distance myself from her.

I've done this. Just take longer to answer messages, dont actively get in touch with her or initiate conversation etc...

[pratique]

Personally I wouldn't end a friendship over opposing views that didn't really affect our day to day friendship.

However, if you must 'end it' just begin distancing yourself. It's not a partner, you don't have to have an official breakup or anything

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

I think it depends on how confrontational you want to be.

If you just don't want to go there, you have the avoidance and excuse strategies and hope that she gets the hint sooner rather than later.

If you can handle a bit of confrontation and want to see if the friendship can survive this, then I would suggest that whenever you find yourself getting stabby, take a deep breath and be honest. "Sorry, I don't agree but I don't want to argue about this. I know you have strong beliefs about this, but so do I. Since I'm not going to change my mind and you aren't going to change your mind, let's drop this topic and move on to something that doesn't cause friction."

With any luck, she'll follow your lead and move to another topic which doesn't cause a flare up. If she continues to pursue the topic, just say "I don't want to discuss this further and if you can't let it go, I'll leave and catch up with you some other time." After a while, you can determine if she is just pursuing the contenious subjects because she enjoys a bit of argy-bargy but can't take a hint (some people are like that). If that's the case, start refusing to catch up as much as often. If she also starts to moderate conversation topics, then you might be pleasantly surprised that the friendship will continue, without the friction, because you have both realised what topics to avoid.

I had a friend who used to like "discussing" politics with me. I got so tired of it because it felt like she was picking an argument/debate each time we got together. Once I told her, she backed off. We are still mates, but it's rare that we talk politics unless I initiate it (in which case, it's usually a hugely energetic debate that can last for a good hour or two! Sometimes I think she saves up all her witty lines for our political debates, LOL)