[MadamDivine]

Ok I have 3 friends, two whom are really close and one is a FB friend.

so friend 1: We have known each other since the age of 8, been BF for so many years. She was MOH in my first wedding, my eldest childs godmother. She has the worst partner. He is a ar$e. He has never liked me from the beginning of their relationship (they got together when she was 17) I believe he has always been threatened by our friendship. Over the years he has been involved in drugs and criminal activity. She has gone on to have 2 children to him.
In the last 5 years I have bailed her out of situations at least 4 times, she has left him. He is violent and controlling. The last time her son was kidnapped by him and put in danger that it even made the local news as the police were worried about his safety, as her partner didnt know where I lived her and the children (once son was returned) stayed at our house rather then a safe house because she didn't want to be left alone in a hotel room. He ends up being arrested and locked up. She goes back home changes locks etc and we chat a few times a week.
Slowly this dwindles down, she starts not returning texts messages, not answering her phone etc. I can not get in contact with her to find our from friend of a friend that she is back with him.
After numerous attempts to talk to her I have given up. He will never change but he has no gotten what he wanted, the one big threat to his controlling out of her life


friend 2: extremely smart professional women gets involved with partnered man and falls pg, he disowns her and she takes the fall out, saying one night stand baby etc... I am then pg support (think all appointments, ultrasounds and even her birth partner) fast forward to child being 6 months and his partner finds out child exists she breaks it off with him and he basically moves in with friend. They have obviously been sleeping together still the entire time but none of his family or friends were aware child existed.
While friend was pg and he was being a ar$e he contacted her and i answered phone and gave him a serving. He does not like me at all.

So now since friend has shacked up with him, i have been dumped. No contact, cancelling of catch ups and final straw from the weekend... she was to squeezed for time that she may or may not have been able to attend my baby shower (something she had been sent invite to 5 weeks in advance and already RSVP yes too) so any way she doesn't show and I get jack of it and send her a sms telling her since I'm not important enough to even contact when you don't show im done, and rescinded any other invites we had extended to her (her other child was invited to my child bday party in a few weeks but since i have to pay per person and for any no shows i don't feel like I can trust her to attend and don't want my child to get their hopes up a certain person is coming when there is a great chance they wont show).

48 hrs later i finally get a sms, saying blah blah this happened which is complete crock and still doesn't explain why it took 2 days to contact me. I fully believe her partner didnt want her to attend.

friend 3- again abusive partner, keeps going back because he says if she doesn't he will kill himself etc... I'm done hearing the same excuses for the last 12 months. they have kids together, still sleeping together even though he is sleeping with other men and women. Same whinge and cry every other week when she takes him back and he does it all over again




yet with all these 3 women I still try and help. When would you stop?

This post has been edited by MadamDivine: 27/02/2013, 09:58 AM

[SeaPrincess]

I would be torn. Clearly these women need someone who will be willing to help them if they ever decide to leave permanently, but at the same time, it's incredibly frustrating to see them making the same mistake over and over again. I would probably back off a bit - call to catch up from time to time, but not discuss their relationships at all, and generally not see them either. If they ask, tell them that you still value their friendships, but that you don't want to keep having to pick up the pieces.

[4ngiebella]

When you are too close it will only hurt you. I'm sorry but it really will. In my experience in the domestic violence counselling field you cannot blame, badmouth or say anything negative about that person's partner (despite the fact they are all of those bad things and more) because that woman will only become defensive and shut down to you.

You have to wait until they are ready to leave and then offer all the support they need to firstly, be safe, then to move on emotionally and mend their hearts and thinking patterns until they are able to choose better partners and believe they deserve better.

I have lost a friendship over this personally. One that was much later rekindled thankfully. And when I was going through it myself, lost most of my friends as well.

Good luck. I'm sorry you are in this position. I wish I could give you better news. Let them know you love them. Let them know you are there. And use your energy looking after you and yours until they are ready to lean on you x

[FloralArrangemen...]

I think you need to get on with your own life. You have been more than supportive, these are adult women making their own choices. There is not much else you can do. Just back away and let them come to you on their own, this may never happen. Enjoy your life and your family.

[sedawson]

I would stop it now.
There's something wrong in the pattern of these relationships that you are having.
It sounds to me like your excellent actions are actually becoming counter-productive - as long as you are there to help when needed, others won't be required to take the actions they need to take. You can only invest so much in others when they aren't investing the same amount in you.
Do you have a need to be needed in this way? If I were you, and I say this very kindly and without knowing your life as you do, I would look at myself and ask why I have given so much for so long with so little in return. What is there in you that makes you keep doing this, when it's not working for them or for you?
If your helping was successful, you wouldn't have to keep doing it. It would have worked and these women would be in a better place, but they aren't and that isn't your fault - unless you've become an enabler. I know that's an overused buzzword but it might be worth considering.

[4ngiebella]

It would have worked and these women would be in a better place, but they aren't and that isn't your fault - unless you've become an enabler. I know that's an overused buzzword but it might be worth considering.

Not overused at all! I have become an enabler in some destructive friendships only trying to do the same thing. It's useful to think about the boundaries in friendships with this in mind. Good luck hun

[knittingkitten]

I would back away but ensure that they know that I will support them if they want to change their life.

This post has been edited by knittingkitten: 27/02/2013, 10:43 AM

[Fluster]

I think you need to get on with your own life. You have been more than supportive, these are adult women making their own choices. There is not much else you can do. Just back away and let them come to you on their own, this may never happen. Enjoy your life and your family.

I agree.

I'm happy to help a friend who needs it, but I'm not here to be someone's perpetual fall back. No one chooses to become a victim, but a lot of people choose to stay one when they know they have someone to run too when it gets too heated for them to cope with.

[opethmum]

I am another here to say to move on and get on with your own life and start living your life to the fullest. These women are adults and capable of making their own choices in life and yes some of their choices suck in reality but there is nothing you can do to help them make better choices. You need to step back and get on with your own life and let these women live with their choices as hard as it is.
I would start by getting involved in different groups and start making a new set of friends and moving your life in a better direction. If these women happen to be in the frame is up to them some friendships fade and will wax and wane over time.
It is sad and you have a right to feel sad that these women have seemingly abandoned you when things are seemingly good.
Time to move on and up to better things and expect better for yourself. You only have one life to live and don't let these people rule your existence. I hope and wish you the best in the future endeavours friendship wise.

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

yet with all these 3 women I still try and help. When would you stop?

When I was emotionally worn out and it was adversely affecting my life.

And I would let them know that and give them contact number for appropriate support services, letting them know that a professional is in a much better position to help them, I just want to be a friend.

It's not easy to know when to let it go, because you don't want to feel like you are abandoning a friend. Then again, sometimes you have to put your own emotional health before others.