[CJsMum]

I am losing my baby. Again. I really thought that it was going to be different this time.

When I started bleeding on Friday I went for an early u/s. You could have heard a pin drop. There it was. My beautiful pregancy. But no heartbeat. I was so relieved that she didn't say anything. I don't think I could have coped hearing those words again. I just stared at the screen, all the while not really believing what was happening. I didn't even call my dr. I was worried that he was going to want to see me. To touch me. I couldn't stand the thought.

My first m/c left me reeling. My second left me numb. But now, three times in a row I just can't believe it. Why? What did I do wrong? I know that IVF pregnancies have a higher risk for m/c but that doesn't make it any easier. A year ago, I would have prayed to God for guidance but now all I seem to do is question everything that I thought I knew for sure. I know my DH stops often to say a prayer for my little angels but I can't because I am too busy yelling at Him. Nothing makes sense anymore.

DH wants to cycle again but every time I think about going back I have an anxiety attack (OK maybe I'm being a tiny, little bit of a drama queen:P). But when do you call it a day? Before or after you go crazy? Before or after your husband leaves you for another woman because the thought of being intimate makes you want to pack your bags?

I am very familiar with the 7 stages of grief. Anger seems to be my favourite though. I just can't shake it. I don't want this to ruin my marriage. And I don't like being an angry person but I don't want to give up on my dream either. All I want is my family. It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed to be perfect. It's not.

Oh, maybe today is just a bad day.

Thanks for listening.

Shelly x

[colgate]

Shelly..

I dont know what to say thats devastating...i cant imagine how much pain your feeling now, im so so sorry i know that cant help you..its just so unfair how much heartache you have had to go through!
Ive only had to go through that once..and that was heartbreaking enough words cant describe the pain you feel when you see your little one has no heartbeat.

You have every right to be angry Shelly..im so so sorry.

[Lime]

Shelly, I am so very, very sorry and sad that you ahve to go through this experience. As ktbare said, I have also been through this once and cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Anger is a pretty fair way to describe it, I would say - and you are totally right to feel this.

I am heartbroken for you.

[Peysmum]

Hi Shelley, I can understand what you are going through. I had 2 miscarriages and then was told when I was 8 weeks pregnant with my daughter that we had miscarried again. Thankfully, they had that wrong though. When I was told that I'd had my third, I was also very angry and couldn't understand why this was happening to me. My husband couldn't breath and I would be getting up him. I was crying constantly and I felt that nobody understood what I was going through. I then sat down and really thought about it all and decided that 'I will be a good mother, and this is not going to beat me, I will fall pregnant again and I will not stop until I get the baby that I deserve'. This is just how I dealt with it.

Have you been to see your Dr to see if they can do some tests as to why this is happening. I had lots of blood tests and went to see a specialist gyno.

Just reading back over my post, I know I'm rambling a bit, but please know you are not alone. You can PM me if you want any extra support. And I'm really good at talking about husbands as well, you love them to death but sometimes you just don't 'like' them or want them near.

Tracy

[CJsMum]

Ladies, thank you for your kind words.

Peysmum, you are right. It feels like nobody understands. My dr hasn't spoken to me about running any tests. I guess he just figures that because they are IVF pregnancies it's the "luck of the draw".

Lime and ktbare, thank you for taking the time to reply. I, too, am sorry for your losses. I hope you are both recovering OK.

I am just really sad. My DH is away all week and I have just been hiding in the house. I don't even want to open the curtains - too afraid that someone might realise I am in here and want to coax me back into life. And I know that there are many people out there who have problems bigger than mine but that doesn't stop me from hurting as much as I do.

Anyway, thanks again and take care.