[Sassenach]

My 29-year old brother is currently living in what was our guest room, after separating from DW and their 2 kids 7 months ago. He rang crying after DW asked him to leave, asking to stay with us, he had no-where else to go ... etc etc, so what could I say? Also, I should add, this is not the first time: he lived with us for about 6 months in 2002 when he separated from his then fiancee' (different woman to DW). He then left us to live with the lady who would become DW .........

Anyway, we took him in. He lived here for about 6 weeks for free while he got himself together, after which we came to an arrangement that he would pay board to cover groceries, telephone, and internet access. Dinner is cooked for him every night with our family. And in return, the only 'rules' (for want of a better word) were that he:

- helped with the chores by vacuuming the house once a week on sat mornings
- did his own washing
- did not have anyone stay over in our home unless we knew/met them

Divorce was always on the cards, though we assumed he would get his own place eventually. We were keen for short-term, as well; especially when we were not only getting my brother, but also the stress of his separation, and as he has 2 kids with DW, we were also opening our home every Saturday for him to have them for the whole day. These days are very stressful, as my nephews (26 mths & 12 months) are not disciplined in *any* sense of the word. So DH and I inevitably spend the whole day helping my brother care for his 2 sons, while also looking after our own daughter.

So it was our assumption that the stay was short-term arrangement. But one week early in the stay he casually springs on me in the kitchen that he planned to live with us for 4-5 years, so he could save for a house! DH was in the lounge when my brother told me and while I was pretty much gobsmacked and speechless, I let brother walk off and DH and I vowed to discuss it with him. We should have nipped it in the bud then, though for reasons too long to explain (largely my issues with not being able to say no), we didn't and its been left undiscussed.

During the first month or two, things were pretty good, although it was a very stressful time given his separation from DW and us helping him to make sense of it all. He vaccumed on Saturday mornings so DH could mop afterwards; ate dinners with us every night; watched the occasional movie with DH & I and became part of our little family. He even mowed the lawn a couple of times for DH, when DH was working weekend overtime. And he also introduced us to a few of the ladies he'd been chatting to online and with whom he dated for a little while (one and a time, of course), before they stayed over.

NOW to the present and the main issue of my vent. Things have gone downhill quickly. We have to constantly remind my brother about the vacuuming. He comes home from work, asks whats for dinner, goes straight to his room, comes down for dinner, and then we don't see him again until morning. He has never offered to cook (even when he knew I was struggling for a while due to PND). Thus we feel we have a hermit with us. We've just gotten back from a weekend away, and take-away containers in the bin hints at someone who stayed over (now confimed: was actually some chickie he'd been talking to online that he had over night without first introducing her to us ggrrrrrr). He's also borrowed DH's socks straight from his draw in our bedroom. Borrowed DH's aftershave from the bathroom and kept it in his own bedroom. Borrowed by laptop to watch movies through the TV. And all without asking.

We're now both a little jaded and fed up. We feel we've gone above and beyond family duty and we want our house/space/life back. We're building a new house at the moment and will be moving into it around Feb 2007. My brother assumes he's coming with us, but we're thinking it might be a good move to say "Ok, it's time for you to get your life together." We will also (hopefully) have a newborn (#2) a few months after moving into the new house, and I don't want to have to deal with a 2 year-old, a newborn, and also my brother! Though I'm conflicted because: of my issues of wanting to help (he is my brother and I love him); not being able to say no; that the money he's paying *is* handy; and my worry for him and his next life move. But on the other hand, he's nearly 30 years old!!!

So, WDYT about any or all this? Am I over-reacting? Am I asking too much of him? Or should I get a spine and show him the road? Do I owe him because he's my brother? Or am I letting myself be trampled on.

TIA, Kylie

[brazen]

i think you're showing you love him more by encouraging him to move out and be responsible for his own life 9and grow up!) than by letting him move with you! good luck, sounds tricky but i think you have the perfect excuse to give him the boot

[Guest_**Leah**_*]

`

This post has been edited by *~emporia~*: 11/08/2006, 06:56 PM

[Guest_relleh_*]

As already said, by encouraging him to move out and move on you are really loving him. But if you plan for him to move on when you move in to your new house, tell him now, give him plenty of time to make alternative arrangements.
Best of luck

[SUSIE25]

Sounds like he is taking advantage of your kind heartedness and if it starts to effect your family, he needs to be told.
Can't he move into a caravan park or similar if he cant afford a place of his own.He seems to see you as his safety net everytime his life goes wrong.My 2 brothers used to do this to me re: money borrowing cos I was too soft. When i got married and had a house, I told them that if they dont like the answer no, dont ask. I would help them if they genuinely needed it but when it happens more than once, they knew I was a soft target.
Good luck with your bro.

[TazzieD]

I had my sister live with me for 9 months - moved in 2 weeks after I got married. I had to ask her to leave which was hard.

You can do it!!! At the moment you are being taken for a ride IMHO.... help him out but don't get stomped all over!

[lady*of*thelake]

While I don't really think that you could expect your brother's kids to have that much discipline given the ages they are, overall I think you are very much justified in feeling the you do, and Feb 07 and your new house is a very reasonable time to move on with all your lives. It's not really fair of your brother to just assume that it would be OK to live with you for 4-5 years!! It sounds like he's treating you a little bit like "mum" now, actually and that you and your DH are his parents in a way It's often a bit of a role that women get lumped with.....being the caretakers for other members of family and feeling that sense of obligation.

If it's any consolation, I have a 29 (almost 30) year old brother who constantly oversteps boundaries also. He's been unemployed and bludges money off family constantly, going through it all like water. If anything, he's even less mature than your brother as he hasn't been able to sustain a relationship long enough to have kids yet!! I feel the same way you do - love him dearly but he frustrates the carp out of me at times.

[Ms*Congeniality]

Am I over-reacting?
NO!

Am I asking too much of him?
NO, not nearly enough!

Or should I get a spine and show him the road?
Yes!

Do I owe him because he's my brother?
Maybe up to a point, but that point was passed a while back.

Or am I letting myself be trampled on.
Yes, absolutely.


Somehow I think you already knew this

This post has been edited by Mum of One: 31/07/2006, 10:37 PM

[Littlegreenfrog]

HI kylie.

I know what you going through. My brother stayed with me for a few months and My god I hated it. At first it was good having someone home, as DH works nights.
My brother did pay $100 board, that included everything. The rest of his dole was spent on the pokies or with his w*n*er friends.
In the end I had enough, I was stick of him teasing my 3.5year old. He said its funny, but my daughter bites at everything, and my parenting rules just went out the window. He has no kids.

His a smoker (ciggies) and he had to smoke at the top of the driveway, as I can't stand the smell. He also had to put deoderent on when he came inside.

So in the end my daughter was getting hard to control and pick up and words which I didn't like one bit.
I told him stright out You need to move out, move in with friends or who ever.
He got the hint and moved out.

If you don't say anything he will keep bludging from you and your family for ever.

good luck I know its hard but Your FAMILY COMES FIRST.

-Trudie

[Sassenach]

Thank you *so* much for reading my long post and replying. In the light of a new day, you are all saying what I already knew, though it is good to know that it is the right thing, yk?

DH and I discussed all of this briefly over breakfast this morning, and we're going to tell my brother than when we move, it will be just DH, me, and DD. By that stage, he will have been with us for 14+ months, which is more than enough time to get his life together .... as an adult, on his own.

Again, thanks gals!

Kylie

ETA: spelling errors

This post has been edited by KylieV: 01/08/2006, 08:04 AM