[Ridcully]

My husband and I had a big argument last night and I'm wondering whether others have had a similar situation.

I chose to stay home and raise our daughter (who is now one) after working in different careers. I am very used to being independent and performing tasks with minimum consultation.

Now that I am at home, I find myself less stressed than I ever have been. It's lovely to wake up and know all I have to worry about is keeping the house fairly clean and keeping my daughter fairly entertained. I do clean the house, but I don't keep it mueseum spotless.

The argument came about because yesterday I drove out to a nursery (our nearest one is an hour away), bought some plants and planted out a garden bed in our backyard. I proudly showed my husband my handiwork and he got quite upset.

According to him, it's not fair on him for me to be doing these types of outings as he is stuck at work all day. He would love to come home and potter around the garden and was quite put out that I did this without him.

As I probed deeper it comes out that he feels a bit resentful that he works and I get to go out for coffees, go walking and generally do what I like each day. He makes the money, I spend it. I don't spend much, but he feels that the garden bed, for example, was not a 'neccesity' at this stage and it's something that we should have done together on a weekend.

Anyway, I feel that this is now my 'career' and I can plan my days however I see fit. He feels that there should be an expectation that I am working all day. I can see his side, but quite frankly, I am not going to spend my days cleaning the house to an inch of it's life and not going anywhere just because he can't.

Has anyone else had problems redefining your roles when one of you stays at home while one works? I don't want to feel guilty that I do what I do, but I get that he doesn't want to think I am swanning it about all day while he works hard!

[alaksuleiel]

This is common, my DH doesn't class me looking after the kids as work and calls me unemployed.

I have asked upon occasion if he prefers me looking after them, or would he prefer complete strangers to do it while we live at a loss? Shuts him up, but doesn't stop his thoughts .

I have stopped feeling guilty about going out for coffee etc and told him to suck it up! We can't afford for me to work.

I know it is only because he wishes he could be with the girls more, but there is no need for hissy fits hehehe.
Deb

[kp0507]

Can't help you there, sorry. My husband much prefers working to all-day childcare and house keeping, so it's not an issue for us. He is just grateful. We had kids close together, though, so there was never any 'swanning' about. I'd be sad if he were resentful. Sorry, no help from me!

[sunshinedays]

OP - I can relate, but kind of in reverse.

in regards to money - we sorted that problem out by each of us getting pocket money to do with as we wish. So if i decide on a whim to buy a bunch of plants i can use my money and there isn't an issue. We also have budget categories for "home improvement", "entertaining small child" etc as well so I could also use money from them (so long as there is money in there lol).

as for the resentment. i get that. at the moment i feel a lot of resentment as I don't even get to be in charge of the house - my DH works from home 2 days a week, so is around more often than not. I am finding this hard as it means I don't feel i have control of any area of my life. I also get frustrated as i spend my time just surviving with DS, doing the usual stuff, whereas if DH has him for a day (e.g. to give me a day to myself) he will always do something that is just fun. I dont' seem to get to do the "just fun" stuff. For me, I know a lot of this is about my current head-space. i need to communicate it clearly with DH so we can find a solution. I suspect a few discussions with your DH will help you sort it out.

[boatiebabe]

My DH used to work a four day week when our first was little and he was the sole carer for her that day. He is under no illusions that entertaining little ones is all beer and skittles!

He often says it is much easier (emotionally and physically) to go to work all day. However looking after the little ones is way more fun.

I work three days a week (not out of necessity, I need it for my sanity) but the days I have with the kids we do lots of fun stuff including coffees and catch ups with friends - but I also try to make sure I get all the shopping done on those days so the days that DH is home with us is just family time. I have a cleaner so that is covered.

But my DH is of the opinion that he would rather come home to a messy house with take away for dinner and have a happy wife and child/ren than a clean home with bored wife and child/ren.

It seems the issue to me is that your DH doesn't really have any idea of what your days are like and he is thinking it is all fun and games when it isn't. A lot of it is work and filling the day in with activities - like your gardening expedition.

I think in this case you just need to keep talking and both see eachothers point of view. He might not be liking his job very much right now - is part time work a possibility and you could also go part time and share the child care?

Maybe you could talk about the kinds of things you can do together on weekends like the gardening and save that for the weekends?

I do think his attitude that you should have no fun and work all day is a bit skewed. I think he is not respecting your contribution to the family and you need to work at him valuing what you do.

[ampersand]

On the one hand I don't believe he should have any say over how you spend your day, he either trusts you as an independent adult or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then you have bigger problems.

On the other hand, I wouldn't ignore his feelings. If he is unhappy with the domestic set-up whereby he works full time and you SAHP full time then it's important that you discuss it calmly and respectfully.

Earning the money gives him no right to control you or your schedule, but by the same token you don't have the right to assume he has to be happy with the set-up and that you can only live this way.

[Guest_mummytomany_*]

Wow, your DH sounds very immature.

I'm a SAHM (over 14 years now) and my DH loves that i'm home for the kids. So your DH would rather you clean the house all day every day? weird.

[Xander2]

My DH is similar to Boatiebabes, he always encourages me to sleep when DS is sleeping during the day if we've had a bad night the night before (DS has been sick and waking a lot during the night recently) and always says he would much prefer to come home to a messy house and a happy wife than a clean house and a grumpy/stressed wife
DH has had to take a few days off on a few occasions over the last few months to look after a sick DS so appreciates so much more now what it takes to look after him, and he knows it's not all coffees and lying around on the lounge

[Guest_~Sally_*]

I'm in agreement with Ampersand. It sounds like he's basically not happy being the sole money-earner. Is it possible for you to both go part time with work? I do think that you need to consider his feelings on this.

If you are at home though what does he expect you to do? Sit at home bored each day in case you do something that he wants to do? That's very selfish of him.

eta: I am a SAHM but this was a joint decision. We discuss and re-assess (and probably over-analyze) often.

This post has been edited by ~Sally: 10/08/2010, 11:58 AM

[BettieBee]

I am really lucky - my DH would be happy to have me as a full time SAHP (no matter what my day entailed) because I would be heaps less stressed (I'm currently working part time). He is also well aware that being a SAHP is a demanding job anyway, even if it is intersepersed with "fun" activities such as projects like your gardening one. When baby number 2 comes along, my DH and I are planning on having me as a SAHP for as long as possible, because we feel that our house will be happier, not necessarily sparkling from roof to floor though!

Maybe your husband should have a week off and experience exactly what it is like to be a SAHP; I'm sure by the end of it he wouldn't still expect you to spend the day doing nothing but cleaning? BTW, has he ever heard of the phrase "happy wife, happy life" ?

Also another point to note, your baby is still young, only a year old. Once walking (running) / toddlerdom really kicks in, there will be very little "swanning about" anyway, and if you get a chance, grab it with both hands - you'll deserve it!