[Kylie Orr]

When my mother was thirteen years old, my grandmother handed her an information booklet that came with a packet of sanitary napkins. It addressed all the necessary topics in relation to “becoming a woman”. She instructed her not to read past page ten and astonishingly, my mum obeyed this directive.

I’d love to get a hold of that book and turn straight to page ten. Obviously that’s where the real action kicks in. Nothing like a piece of 1950’s sanitised porn to spice up your family planning conversations.

Now a parent of children who are full of inquisitive questions, my secret hope was that my eldest would absorb sex education, by osmosis from his classmates, and pass it down his sibling line, with minimal intervention from me.

Then again, I remember sniggering with friends over “Where did I come from?” in the school library when I was in primary school. The word penis was pants-wetting hilarious. I recall someone joking about a condom and I laughed along, then snuck off to look up its meaning in the dictionary. “Prophylactic” “latex” and “intercourse” did nothing to aid my understanding of the word.

Perhaps having my eldest receive Chinese Whispers style sex education via his mates at school is not the best course of action.

Failing that option, I expected my husband might pick up the slack, with three boys his captive audience, and I could hang in the back stalls, smiling encouragingly.

No such luck.

Whilst pregnant with my fourth child, my five year old stared at my stomach, gave it a rub and then asked, “How do you get the baby out?”

When I gave a bare bones explanation, vaguely alluding to vaginal birth and c-section options, he pondered the information for a while.

Then he asked, “Oh. But how does the baby get in?”

Oh yeah. Here we go. C’mon, you knew this question was coming. You can’t walk around with a baby in your stomach and not expect to be asked how it got there. You should’ve prepared for this, you moron! Why didn’t you read up on “Where did I come from?”? Even better, why didn’t you memorise it as a kid, in preparation for this day?

“Well. There is a seed. And an egg,” I begin, trying to sound at ease, and without breaking into an unnatural sweat.

Keep It Simple, Stupid, I prompt myself.

“The man has the seed. The woman has the egg. They join together and the baby begins growing.”

Wow, that was truly pathetic. I smile at my five year old, waiting nervously for the next question.

“What’s for dinner?” he asks. Phew. There’s a question I can answer.

Given that abysmal explanation, I decide to undertake more extensive research about addressing the topic matter with children.

A Google search for sex education introduces me to a whole world of pain. I should’ve known the “s” word only means one thing on the Internet. Plenty of offers of friendly conversations with 18-year-old girls who are fun loving and firm-breasted. Not exactly the information I was after.

Parenting books tell us it shouldn’t be a topic we shy away from. No need to be all uptight about it. Just answer the kids’ questions, as they arise, age-appropriately. Skip making a big deal, building up to a conversation that ends in nervous diatribe about eggs and sperm and birds and bees falling in love, and just relax.

Not always possible when our children save the most intricate questions for the least convenient times, often catching us (and all the people in the supermarket queue) off guard.

“Why does my willy go hard when I touch it?”

Is this when I throw to the checkout operator and let her answer it?

Dr Phil says “be truthful but abstract” for children under six. Defer the graphic and gory details – don’t “[talk] about sexual penetration because it can scare them.” It scares me too, Dr Phil. Actually “Dr Phil” and the word “penetration” in the same sentence, scares me most.

So, random storks and cabbage patches are not the accepted explanations.

Like Dr Phil, Sex therapist Dr Laura Berman also urges parents to be open and honest. She advises that sex education should be an ongoing and evolving subject, rather than one "big talk". For young children, she suggests:

a) giving them a language they can use for their sexual organs and
b) making sure they don't get negative messages about those organs that can set them up for feeling that sex is going to be "dirty" or "bad".

Teaching them the anatomically correct names for their genitals is all well and good until the not-quite-three-year-old informs his baby sister in the bath, “Boys have penises. Girls have China.”

I can appreciate open, honest, accurate discussions about the human body and sex, while they are young, are a great way to set up easy communication between children and parents. I’m just not very good at it.

Best I get myself to a library and read up on China.

Have you had any tricky questions about sex from your kids? Did you have a “big talk” or just let the information filter in gradually?

Kylie

[squirt081]

My kids aren't old enough yet for those questions but DH and I have always agreed that we would teach our kids about their bodies from the moment they seemed interested.

DD is 23 months and ever since she started pointing to body parts we have told her what they are. First she started to point at my boobs so I told her they were breasts and one day she will have them. She has also pointed at my vagina and her own. I tell her what they are and that all females have them.

Just recently she has pointed at DS (4mths) and I have told her that that is a penis etc. I also told her that boys have them so daddy also has one.

When she asks more questions I will tell her. I dont see the point in hiding the truth. If you make a big fuss of it they will see it as a bad thing and I dont want my kids thinking sex is dirty and bad.

[peking homunculu...]

I had a talk with my DD when she was 4. She listened to me carefully and then asked if she could do the "penis and venus thing" with her little brother!!

[suziej]

I was going to be the mother who told her daughter everything and not be the one who just gave the book (as my mum did) or leave her in complete ignorance (as her mother did).

Unfortunately, my daughter is choosing the put her fingers in her ears and sing la-lala-la-la-LA whenever I try.

Still, she has been on a cattle property and seen enough action to get an idea that it takes 2, there isn't always sweet talking involved and it looks painful to birth.

[stelley]

When I was pregnant with my 4th I decided to pre-empt The Talk with my older kids (7 & 5 at the time). So I ask "Do you know how this baby got inside my tummy and how it will come out" DS7 looks horrified. Blood drains from his face. He says "Jesus put it in there and he will get it out and that is all I need to know for now" then puts his hands over his ears.
Here endeth the Sex Ed lessons for some time.

[HappyWomble]

My mother had the perfect way of handling all difficult questions:

"What/why do you think...?" eg "How do YOU think babies are made?"

That way you find out what the child is ACTUALLY asking, and their answer tells you how much detail you need to go into. It also gives you a precious few moments to get your head togather.

[BabyHopeful]

I agree with Squirt. I just answer honestly but in their terms. DS1 has asked about babies, but has also seen me with pads and tampons so we've talked about periods too.

I basically keep answering until he stops asking. I want both my boys to feel like they can ask me (and DH) anything.

[jules095]

My parents didn't tell me a thing. They just left it to my Grade 6 health teacher.


When the time comes, it wont be just the sex talk I give.

Babies come from more places these days, than just mummy & daddy having sex. People seem to forget this, so thank goodness there are more books around these days to explain it, than just the old "Where Do I come From?".

[Kylie Orr]

Good point, jules095. I've heard this book is quite good at addressing the many ways in which babies come into our lives...

jewels1970 - I like your mum's thinking! And she's spot on - sometimes we "overshare" when the child's question was quite basic and only needed a simple answer.

suziej & peking homunculus - love it!

[BadCat]

I was going to be the "just answer the questions calmly as we go along" mum.

Unfortunately the questions didn't come. They continue not to come.

Eventually DD reached year 6 and the school had Family Planning come in and talk to them. I asked her if she would llike to know some stuff before the FP session or go in with no idea. She chose to know some stuff but had no questions. So I was pretty much forced into the puberty and sex talk all at one go.

I had hoped that DS, two years younger, would start to question because he knew that DD had done the mysterious "sex ed" at school. No such luck. I asked him if he would like to know anything about it. The response was a strangled cry of "NO!" followed by a hundred metre dash to rival Usain Bolt.

Oh well, next year he will be in year 6 and Family Planning will drag him kicking and screaming into enlightenment too.