[AmityD]

It was at about 4am I starting planning how I would get out of my flight to Melbourne that was boarding in three hours. Leaving my children for two days to go and visit The Block had seemed like such a great idea at the time, but suddenly sleeping through the alarm that would go off any minute felt like a much better plan.

Up until now I had been so excited about the trip. In the five years since becoming a mum I had been interstate without my children the grand total of two times. This is not because I am an overly anxious mother who can’t bear to be away from them, but mostly because I haven’t had that many excuses to do so. But now I had the perfect opportunity and excuse, my baby had just turned one and I knew she’d cope without me, so an adult’s only trip to Melbourne was much anticipated.

The night before we left, after packing enough for the children to survive any possible emergency, I went to bed hoping for at least a half decent night’s sleep. However, my darling daughter had other ideas. From 2 to 5am she refused to sleep, a mammoth effort even for a seasoned non-sleeper, so by the time my alarm went off at 6am the prospect of leaving the bed, let alone the state, was hideous.

After groggily downing my first coffee I despaired as I saw my reflection in the mirror. Zombie wasn’t exactly the look I was going for when appearing on national TV for the first time in 8 years. And my mental state wasn’t much better. How on earth was I going to appear perky, coherent, sane, on such little sleep? I layered on the eye concealor and hoped a little extra blush would compensate for my distinct lack of colour.

Pulling up to the airport things went from bad to worse. My 5 year old, who had previously been so excited about his sleep-over at Grandma and Grandpa’s, now refused to let go of me, begging us not to go. After untangling myself from his embrace and waving goodbye my husband remarked wistfully ‘I really hope we don’t crash and die in an ash cloud disaster. Our kids really need us.’

Seriously.

By now the lack of sleep was making me nauseas, giving me flash backs to flights home from Melbourne many years ago when my seediness was far more enjoyably earned. So, like a wanna-be rock star, I put on my dark sunglasses and walked through the airport with a triple sized coffee in hand, hoping I’d rally like I did all those times before.

Until I saw a mother walking beside me, struggling to carry her suitcase with a baby on her hip and an oversized nappy bag over her shoulder and unexpectedly I felt tears sting my eyes. That’s who I was, not this carefree person sauntering along with only a coffee to hold. What was I thinking, leaving my babies, potentially dying in an ash cloud disaster, just for an indulgent trip to Melbourne. I was a mother, for Gods sake, I don’t do things just for myself. Suddenly I felt like a part of me was missing and had a powerful yearning to be back at home with my baby, who just hours before I had been so desperate to leave.

Looking back, perhaps the torture tactics I’d endured the night before did affect my mental state slightly, ok massively. I am not one of those people who randomly burst into tears, who feel guilty for having a life. But the powerful combination of sleep deprivation, hormones and mother guilt is not to be underestimated. The ash cloud threat probably wasn’t helping things either.

Luckily though, my moment of instability passed, we arrived in Melbourne and I started to come good. We had a great day filming at The Block, it was fantastic to see some of the cast and crew we hadn’t seen for 8 years and to meet the new couples (thank God I didn’t have to do this series, their task was much harder than ours!) And through a concerted effort I managed to limit showing off photos of my kids to every third person I saw. OK, every second person.

That night we attended the show’s media launch and had a great time, but by 10pm exchanging small talk while my feet hurt could no longer compete with the hotel bed that was calling my name. To be honest, I would not have cared if it had been the party of the century, all I wanted to do was get into that soft bed and sleep through the night for the first time in over a year. Except of course I didn’t, I woke at 4am. And an hour later I was still awake, tossing and turning, furious that sleep was alluding me.

At first light I called to see how the kids were, my mum confirming what I expected to hear. My baby had woken at 4am and was up for an hour, just as my body knew. Motherhood amazes me.

Knowing they were fine I let myself relax properly and had a wonderful day. I lingered over breakfast, reading the papers instead of shoveling in mushy Weet-bix. I shopped for hours, with no one needing to make a last minute dash to the toilet (why are they always busting when you’re trying on clothes in the change-room of a store that has no toilets?) We went out for dinner, at the very adult time of 9pm. We talked, we laughed, we re-connected. We didn't have to get home for the baby-sitters, didn't have to worry that an extra wine will make it too hard to get up in the morning and didn't have to wake up two hours after falling asleep. It was heaven.

Being a mum of young children you rarely get to put yourself first. I work, go out for dinner, catch up with my girlfriends, but everything (including my identity) is centered around my kids. I work around their schedules, go out for dinner after feeding and putting them to bed and have postponed many a girls night out because someone was sick and needed me. So it was nice, just for 48 hours, not to worry about anyone’s needs but my own (and perhaps my husbands!)

It was about 20 minutes after I got home that any residual relaxation had evaporated and normality had set back in. Bags needed to be unpacked, clothes washed, dinner made, bath done, teeth brushed, story read, bottle given, house tidied and emails checked. Yet, despite the stark contrast between the blissful time to myself and the relentless slog of motherhood, there is no question where I belong. As lovely as a room service breakfast is, it can’t beat waking up to my daughters five toothed smile and my son’s sleepy cuddles. But sometimes you need a little time away to be reminded of that. And sometimes it’s nice not to be mummy for a while.

Do you take many breaks from your kids? What do you do to reclaim yourself from the constant demands of motherhood? And do you feel like you've lost part of yourself when you're away them?

This post has been edited by AmityD: 12/07/2011, 05:10 PM

[missgeorgina]

I have two daughters, one a 4 year old and a 6 month old. My breaks from my kids is when I play social sport. I play touch footy, oz tag and soccer on the weekend and during the evenings. It's usually a couple of hours but I find playing sport or exercising a real break for me. I am actually planning a trip to melbourne when my second daughter turns 1 and I know I'll be waking during the night and worrying about them.

I find it very hard to actually think just about myself, everything I do has some element of how will it fit in the family schedule. However I do relish those couple of hours playing sport, catching up with friends and enjoying those childfree moments when they happen!

[catnik]

Amity your blog post brought tears to my eyes. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I've just organised a two night trip to Melbourne (from Adelaide) with a girlfriend, my first night(s) away from my little girl, now 19 months. Part of me is so excited about the potential for two blissful uninterrupted nights of sleep, and a break from the slog of nappies, laundry, meals, sleeps and toddler entertainment. There are times when I dream of nights away and crave time on my own (usually at 4am in the morning). But I just know when it comes to the time, it will be really hard to leave her and I will find it hard to shake the guilt that I'm not where I 'should' be. I just hope I can relax and enjoy the break! I feel emotional just thinking about it.

I agree though, anything you ever do for yourself is carefully planned around your children and minimising the impact on them, I find that even when I am having that much needed break, I can never really relax and enjoy it, I feel this anxiety to get back to my daughter, even though I know she will cope perfectly well without me.

I'm hoping that as she gets older I'll find it easier to take breaks without guilt (maybe that's wishful thinking!).

[ToodlePopsMum]

Oh Amity!! You have just described exactly what I am going through at the moment....except I am leaving the country....for a week.....with a girlfriend.

My boys are 5 & 3 do totally able to cope without me but what about me coping without them?

I have charted their days in Excel for my husband, right down to the enth degree of what goes in whose lunch box on what days....are they really going to suffer if they have a fruit stick instead of a cheese stick?

Urgh...the guilt of leaving my offspring is, at times, drowning me!

They will be fine. I know they will. When I explained it to my very sensitive 5 year old, he burst into tears. That didn't help. At all. However once I explained that I will bring back presents he literally packed my bags for me and gave me a list....I don't go for another three weeks!

Thankfully my beautiful travel companion and very close friend has three of her own offspring so we can share out guilt stories over cocktails, massages and shopping

Every mum needs a break. We just need to give ourselves a break from the guilt that having a break brings with it.

[MahnaMahna]

3 months until DH and I take a long awaited honeymoon, 7 days in Bali.

I cannot wait to go and I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty that both parents are going. I feel guilty that we are going to enjoy ourselves immensly and I feel guilty that I am so looking forward to.

I know they will be fine, I know our parents will have a ball with them and the kids will have fun.

It won't stop the guilt.

But I cannot wait to go.

[AmityD]

Hi ladies - nice to hear I'm not the only one who's soft as mushy peas

If it brings you any comfort my baby didn't pine for me in the slightest. In fact, when I got home rather than reaching her arms out for me she gave me a smile and went back to playing! She is an independent little miss. And my son was so thrilled with the presents we got him he wants us to go back to Melbourne again!

So the guilt was completely unwarranted. Not that it will stop any of you feeling guilty yourselves!!

[possum1]

Hi,

I just went through the same thing - feeling of guilt & worrying about leaving my kids aged 7, 4 & 3.

My husband organised for me to go away for a week with my mother & sister - in - law (both of which I get on extremely well & have a fantastic relationship with more like best friends than in laws I am very lucky). He organised with his boss to have the week off so he could look after the kids. He then asked me would I like to go - my immediate response was 'No I cant do that' he replied 'why?' 'Because I just cant - I have never been away from them for longer than overnight & on the flip side neither have they been away from me' He said 'dont worry they will be looked after properly they are with their father after all'.

What he said was true I know that but it didnt make the decision any easier. I asked him why he wanted me to go away. His reply ' I want you to do something for you, have some time for yourself & have a break. You dont get to have a break you are working part-time, running a house, looking after the kids, taking the kids here there & everywhere & also taking our youngest to speech therapy & other assessments. I get to have a break when I go away for work which is usually a couple of days every two or three weeks. You dont have to go but I would like you to so you can have a break'

I am very lucky to have him & for him to have the idea to suggest it to me. It took me a long time to make up my mind - eventually I said yes (although I still wasnt sure I really wanted to but deep down I knew I needed a break)

The lead up to going away was frantic - I had notes everywhere about what had to be done, who went where, what time to get there, what each took to preschool or school for lunch etc.

The time came, the kids were excited helping me pack & reminding me about what pressies they wanted. People asking me was I excited & I felt guilty if I said yes as though I was deserting my husband & kids. My husbands request when I went was to make sure I spent the spending money on myself & not on him & the kids.

I went and although I missed everyone. I had a ball & couldnt wait to get home. I know that I am better in myself for having done it - refreshed & renewed. I did spend some of the money on me but couldnt help spending on my husband & kids. On the flip side my husband says he doesnt know how I do everything & work as well. Sometimes I wonder too but you know what you just do & I wouldnt change my life for anything.

I think as mums we will always have mothers guilt & put our kids, husband needs before our own but we also need to allow ourselves time to be ourselves & remember who we are as a person so that we can be the best we can for them. we just need to remember to do this & not feel guilty for doing it - easier said than done.

If you get the chance take some time for yourself & try not to feel guilty. Have fun!

[runlikethewind]

Oh your post was me all over! In June I went interstate for the weekend for a reunion with some of my oldest and dearest friends. Leaving three kids AND hubby behind I felt so guilty. Worse part was that I was ready for bed by 11pm the night we all caught up and then I woke constantly just like I would have at home to DS who was only 13 months at the time!

I did also find the guilt unwarranted though when I got home to find there was calm and nothing had been destroyed, no one was upset, just all happy and calm. Sooo, I'm heading away again in a few weeks for a girls weekend and this time, I don't think there will be guilt!