[misskrm]

Hi everyone, I need help!

This has taken me alot, especially to get to this point. I feel like I am on my last legs as a mummy. He's broken me, and I don't know what to do.

DS1 is 5 and just started school. A sweet kid with a smile to light up the room. He's affectionate and smart...but lately, his behaviour has been out of control. He's rude, cheeky, defiant, aggressive and just plain horrible. He throws tantrums that would make a 2 year old cringe. He kicks out, looks to try and hurt himself. He's mean to his brother, mean to me and my DP and his Dad. He is never still, he has sooo much energy. I have tried EVERYTHING. Smacking, time outs, taking toys off him, stopping him from doing things he wants. Nothing works. I let him run around in the yard to try and burn energy off, I do fun things with him. I try so hard, different calm approaches, talking quietly to him. Nothing works. I have him on a preservative/additive free diet. These tantrums and his acting out is EVERY SINGLE DAY. The 5 days he is with his dad a fortnight, are so peaceful for me.

This morning, getting him and his brother off to school and daycare, was a nightmare. He wouldn't do what I asked, after 10 times..I lost it. I am so ashamed. I ended up in heap on the floor crying my eyes out. In the end, he quietly went and did what I asked, and waited by the door. (how hard was it really?) I know FYOS is a hard adjustment for kids, so give him a little leeway, but I am not his punching bag. I worry that his little brother is going to think that it is acceptable and be exactly the same.

This is so hard for me to admit, but it's getting to the point of me not wanting him to be here with me. I know this is horrible, and I would never ask his Dad to have him fulltime, but the thought is there, you know? I feel like I am failing him, and that I am the worst mum in the world. I have anxiety issues myself, and stressing about his behaviour doesn't help them. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this.

At school he is really good, his teachers (old daycare teachers too) love having him. I assume if there were any behavioural issues, then he would be acting out there too.

What can I do? I love him so much, and I just want my sweet little boy back.

Thanks for reading, I am sorry if it is all over the place, I just need to get it out.

[Ianthe]

It does sound as though you are trying everything you can think of. I see it as a postive that he is fine at school. But the FYOS is huge for kids. They have to take so much in. And I think for a child that has a lot of energy if they are reining that in all day then at some stage it has to come out and it sounds as though in your case that happens at home.

Are you positive when he is doing the right thing? You said you talked to him but there was a lot of punitive consequences you mentioned. I get the impression that was you doing that as a last resort but for some kids that just doesn't work. They just switch off to any kind of punishment.

What does he love to do? You said he is never still but does he enjoy Lego or something like that? When my eldest (who was a really difficult kid) was that age we had a "calm down corner". He had a beanbag and a few toys and books in there and generally he would be happy to go and sit there for a while. And this was a kid who NEVER stayed in time out. But the novelty value worked in that situation for a while. And it just became a way for him to go before he got out of control and have a break from everything (and give me and his brothers a break!) He never saw it as a punishment but as a place to go to feel happier.

The only other thing I got from your post is to wonder how thing's are at his Dad's. Are there any changes there? Does he parent very differently to you? I was thinking if something is going on there that maybe he is struggling to deal with it and taking it out on you.

And I think you need one of these