[dessiesgirl]

DS has just turned 15. He is generally a pretty good kid, but lately has become quite sneaky.

We have a rule about no electronics in the kids rooms after 9:30 - I have caught him a few times sneaking his Ipod upstairs, "accidentally" forgetting to take his phone down. Last term I realised when I checked my own FB a/c he had been up till midnight, the night before a maths exam, chatting on FB.


He lies about silly things, - in the recent holidays I rang home from work one morning about 10:30 and was chatting to him - asked if he had had brekky yet, and he said he had. Found out later he hadn't. No big deal, but why lie about it? And he won't admit it, just makes up more and more ludicrous lies to cover himself.


We gave him a new smartphone a few weeks ago, and I found porn sites typed into the browser. Apparently that was a virus. We took the phone off him and said he would have to show us some committment to being more responsible and honest before he could have it back.


This morning I noticed he wasn't wearing his proper uniform school socks - he said he had none in his drawer. I checked - he did, so I made him wear them. When I asked where his other socks were, he had put his school socks on over the non-uniform ones, and was planning to change on the train! Again, not a big deal in the scheme of things but why?


I'm wondering if I am too strict, and I should just let him have a win on some of the smaller stuff, like the socks. it just goes against the grain for me to be seeing to condone him breaking the school rules.

When I try to discuss the terms DH and I feel are fair in order for him to get his phone back, he becomes quite arrogant, and smart with me, and I don't feel like rewarding that behaviour.


Any ideas?

[HollyOllyOxenfre...]

I don't have a teenage son, but I know when I was around that age (actually from around 12/13) I would do silly little things to be defiant, mainly because I knew I wouldn't get away with the big stuff. Really petty stuff like my parents making me wear the school hat to school when no one else did, so it "fell" on the train tracks; slight changes to school uniform (ours was strict); telling little white lies.

A lot of the lying was really to test my parents and see if they would catch me out - I think I was trying to figure out if I could get the big stuff past them Sadly my dad's BS detector was too good so I rarely got away with anything, but with those little things my parents also wouldn't come down too hard on me - only if I messed up on the big stuff.

I know a lot of my friends at that age were similar, but all in all we were good kids and never got into any real trouble (I waited until I left school and home). Maybe he's just pushing boundaries?

Probably not a lot of help, sorry. Reading it just rang very true of things I did when I was a teenager

[Dettol]

Isn't that normal 15yo behaviour?

Hes 15yo he can work out if hes hungry enough to have breakfast or not. He no doubt said yes becuase it is easier than hearing his mother nag him about it. If hes hungry he will eat if hes not he wont.

'This morning I noticed he wasn't wearing his proper uniform school socks - he said he had none in his drawer. I checked - he did, so I made him wear them. When I asked where his other socks were, he had put his school socks on over the non-uniform ones, and was planning to change on the train! Again, not a big deal in the scheme of things but why?' Let him wear what ever socks he wants and let him suffer the consequences. He is old enough to work that out for himself.

Re the phone he was probably embarrassed as all get out that you found out what he was looking up on his phone. Hence the arrogant attitude.

[BadgerBasher]

Seriously?
Lighten up! He's old enough to know if he wants breakfast, the consequences (if any) of wearing the "wrong" socks and uhm, his hormones are raging.

Give him (and you) a break.

[julz78]

I wonder if he is just trying to fit in? At his age he is more influenced by his peers than his parents and trying to fit in with his peers is going to be higher on his list of priorities than fitting in with the expectations of his parent. His friends probably all have facebook and are up on it all night, teenage boys look at porn and it might be dorky to wear school socks.

I think it probably wouldn't hurt to ease up on things like socks, if the school is uber strict on socks he will find himself being disciplined by the school for his non compliance, let them deal with it. If they aren't strict on it well it doesn't really matter then does it? I wouldn't nag him about breakfast either, at 15 years old its his decsion as to whether he wants to eat breakky, he will be the one getting hungry.

You have set rules about no electronics in rooms after 9.30, stick to it, don't let him forget. Come 9.30 have a set spot where the electronic items are to go and make sure they are there. If they aren't make him bring them out. If he is still being defiant he needs to learn that thinsg like a smartphone are a privelege not a right. Change the wifi password if you have wifi or disconnect his phone. Show him you mean business.

As for the porn I don't know, boys will be boys I guess I don;t know how to deal with this one. If he hasn't already he will soon figure out how to hide his browsing history.

[Catbiscuit]

Sounds like he is a good kid who doesn't want to get in trouble but at the same time he feels he is old enough to start making some decisions for himself. Hence, he makes his own decisions and then lies about it to you.

To discourage this behaviour I would recommend you negotiate outcomes with him and be honest. For example, the porn thing. He is trying to explore his sexuality which is normal & healthy but you have punished him for a fairly mild transgression (which young boys have been doing since time began probably). Perhaps you could talk to him about how you understand he has questions but that porn is not a healthy expression of sexuality, that he cannot expect that kind of performance from actual women, that porn sites host computer viruses (segue into a related discussion about safer sex), why it is harmful, etc.

The arrogance and snarkiness is unfortunately part of the peculiar charm of teenagers. Tell him his attitude is unacceptable and enforce respect. Expect sullenness in return.

Facebook is a colossal waste of time but it is important to teenagers. How long has this 9.30pm rule been in place? Maybe you could extend it to 10pm and then review an extension every three months depending on school grades and general behaviour. Or chores. If you are being reasonable and set clear negotiated boundaries WITH him, he will be more likely to stick to them and also to trust you to treat him like an adult and to trust your advice.

I don't get the thing with the socks? What is the big deal? If he goes to school with the wrong socks and gets in trouble, let him deal with the consequences! If the school calls you, tell them to give him detention. You aren't condoning his behaviour, you are gifting him the experience of dealing with the consequences of his actions when the consequences are still very minor.

What happens later when he is faced with actual sex and drugs and alcohol and dangerous driving behaviours? If he feels he cannot trust you to be on his side instead of just punishing him or coming down on him like a tonne of bricks about every little thing, the lying and sneaking will get worse and he will get himself in a lot of trouble.

My advice is (within clear boundaries) to talk to him like he is a grown up, give him your best advice and let him test out some of his own decisions. When he gets into trouble (and he will because that is what is meant to happen no matter how hard it is for you to watch) he can trust you enough to come for advice and help. This doesn't mean he has carte blanche to go wild, but a little freedom goes a long way to combating anti-social behaviours.

This post has been edited by Catbiscuit: 04/05/2012, 02:10 PM

[Magenta Ambrosia]

Let him wear what ever socks he wants and let him suffer the consequences. He is old enough to work that out for himself.

Re the phone he was probably embarrassed as all get out that you found out what he was looking up on his phone. Hence the arrogant attitude.

I agree.

He's at an age where he needs to learn his own consequences. Pick your battles. They lying should be dealt with, but what he eats and wears is really his issue at that age. If he gets detention for not following uniform rules that's his problem.

Taking the phone is a consequence of breaking house rules and pornography laws - that is fine.
Best way to handle it is to sit down with him and your DH and come up with guidelines with rewards and consequences for behavior. This was if he chooses the behavior he's choosing the consequence and you don't need to think of a punishment on the spot.

[Guest_tigerdog_*]

What happens later when he is faced with actual sex and drugs and alcohol and dangerous driving behaviours?

This. I'd be choosing my battles. I had purple hair and piercings when I was 18, my mother was onto me about it all the time yet I never drank until I was over 20 and have never touched drugs in my life or smoked a cigarette. Meh.

[JustBeige]

pick your battles.

Food - meh, he can starve or he can eat. He has 2 arms and a brain and can throw something together.

Socks - It would annoy me (due to the rules thing) BUT I would (and have) shut up and just let them take whatever consequence the school decides to dish out. If the teacher spoke to me about them, I would be giving my permission for the school to be taking whatever steps they felt necessary regarding his continued defiance of the dress code.

Electronic equipment - this would be a no negotiation thing with us. We will not let them have anything bar a clock in their rooms and they know it. they dont like it, but we are consistent and they just suck it up and deal with it.

Another thing, try and remember its OK for him to negotiate or push. let him 'win' some things. Learning how to put your POV across and negotiate without exploding is a very valuable skill.

[bark]

If these minor things are what is concerning, I really would consider yourself lucky. I think he sounds a great kid, maybe stop asking him too many questions and think of him as pretty responsible.