I've just been wondering. Many, including myself, talk about using our instincts when caring for babies and childrearing. However, are these "instincts" truly inate (ie born with them) or are they learned behaviours from our parents, even before we can remember?

WDYT?

personally i think its a watch and learn kinda thing, but also a bit of trial and error (especially with getting them to sleep in the first few months!). Breastfeeding DEFINATELY didn't come naturally

Both. I think to a large degree, we parent as we were parented, unless you make a conscience decision to change the 'heriditary life order'. Other aspects like BF to me, where definately instinctual. Would love to ponder this much deeper but not good timing atm

Cheers Helen

Absolutely learned behaviour.

I think learned too: learned from your parents and family (which explains, for instance, cycles of abuse) and also learned from your child, in the sense that you pick up quite quickly how and when the particular child wants to be comforted, fed, held and so on, until it feels like second nature, as if you've known how all your life.

half and half....

Things like the need to pick up a crying baby, the urge to put a child to the breast etc is instinct.

The way we carry the baby, the burping, the technicalities of breastfeeding are learned.

edited to add:

I parent very differently to my mother, so I didnt' learn a lot from her, and what I did learn I tend to try not to do!

I'd like to change my previous answer please! I just remembered how I felt the very first time I woke up after having Theo. It was an overwhelming and surely mostly instinctual feeling of needing my baby to be right next to me right away. So perhaps I really think it's mostly learned, but your learning is probably underpinned and accelerated by instinct.

I think a lot is instinct, especially in the early days. When I hear a baby cry, even if it isn't my own, I get antsy and feel like picking it up and comforting it! It's also instinctive to be protective of your own children and to make sure they aren't hurt (which carries on throughout their lives I think).

Where learned behaviour takes over is how we respond to these instincts. The baby is crying, your instinct is to do SOMETHING to stop the baby crying, by feeding, comforting, changing, etc. Then all the techniques come into it, should I feed now or stick to the schedule? Does that nappy need changing or can I get another hour out of it? Should I pick the baby up or let it cry itself to sleep? and so on.

absolutley. I learnt BAD things from my parents/ family....I have to consciously decide to parent differently. I have to think about this every day every hour.

For example, I do not smack. Ever. Yet I still feel like he 'needs a good smack' sometimes.... even though I *know* he doesn't.

I think I also feel that it's a bit of both. When DS was a newborn there were things that I really felt were very strongly instinctive. Picking him up when crying, having him close etc. Other things have seemed very natural, but how many of them are instinct and how many were programmed from watching my parents etc, I just don't know.



I agree with this. I also don't smack and fight the "instinct" to smack. Which is why I feel that some things that we could perceive as instinct are probably learned behaviours. Could smacking be an inate behaviour?

I would say that we would have an 'instinct' to do something when our child annoys us or does somethign socially unacceptable. This would be an innate way of 'protecting our child' from the horrers of being 'excluded' from society. The smackign part would be a learned way of 'dealing' with that instinct.

Ah Sal, you are tempting me again. The nature vs nurture debate. Well from all my reading etc I would have to say, its partly instinct and partly learned behaviour. I believe that our genetics does have a hand in our behaviour, but also that much is learned. Yes I do parent much the same way that I was parented, but since I share my genetic makeup with my parents, and I also grew up with my parents, who can say how much of what I do is 'instinctive' and how much has been 'learned'? The two, I believe, are intricately intertwined.

In the nature verus nurture debate im split maybe 75:25 but weirdly enough with parenting id go the opposite hmnnn interesting you have given me something to think about.

But is is static??? Parenting is an evolving thing that changes over time, and with differnet children then you realise that you can parent them exactly the same with differing success.

So im grey, its neither black or white!

Em

It's interesting, as another thread was asking, are there any universal parenting styles? Not very much is universal, which makes me think that very little is in fact instinct.