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21/01/2008, 08:45 PM
DH and I are contemplating have #3. It's always been a possibility and we would probably start TTC in about 6 to 12 months.
The problem is we found it very easy to conceive both our girls.
One of my very best friends happens to also be my neighbour. She has one child and has been on hormones and TTC #2 for 19 months. She is finding it really hard and is very emotional atm and wants to give up TTC as it's becoming too stressful.
I feel so sorry for her and feel like if DH and I do have #3 it will make it even harder for her and her DH.
Even to the point that I don't want to TTC for fear of upsetting her.
WDYT? I know it sounds silly that I would not have #3 rather than upset her but what would you do?
21/01/2008, 08:49 PM
Have number #3 if you and your DH want to. I understand that you want to be sympathetic to your friend, but I don't think it's appropriate to base your own decisions for your own family on her fertility issues.
You would not expect someone else not to try for another child just to be sympathetic to you, would you?
21/01/2008, 08:49 PM
I'd speak to my friend about it and share my thoughts, feelings and concerns with her.
I think, given time to process the idea and accept it, that your friend would not dream of denying you another baby because she is having trouble conceiving.
Just pick your time right - ie don't go speaking to her about it right when she's in the middle of deciding whether or not ton continue TTC - and talk it all through with her.
You sound like a wonderful friend to have.
21/01/2008, 08:49 PM
Honey as lovely and caring as you are towards your friend your life is yours and hers is hers!
I would sit down with her once you are pregnant and tell her yourself, rather than her hearing through the grapevine. I am sure she would be envious of your pregnancy news but I think she would be shocked to think that you would not have another bub in case it upset her.
21/01/2008, 08:53 PM
I am sure your thoughts are nothing but honourable but really why would you not follow your life path and make the family you want.
No one will thank you for being a martyr and your friend (if she is a true friend) might well be horrified to find out you had changed your life in such a drastic way just bc of her.
I would hate that sort of pressure if a friend did something like that on my behalf.
21/01/2008, 09:06 PM
I think you should definitely TTC for your 3rd child if and when it feels right.
I can say that you seem like a lovely friend by thinking of your neighbour. You should not let these feelings put you off having another child if your heart desires it.
Having said that, it's so nice to find someone who is so sensitive to what is happening to those around them. In short, I was someone who went thru 5 yrs of unexplained infertility, specialists, tests, failed treatments etc. During this time I had to deal with some pregnancies very close to me. While I'd never expect someone to not have kids b/c of my situation. I was faced with some very insensitive behaviours and comments back then. So I think it's lovely that you're taking her feelings into account.
The only advice that i can really give you, is that if/when you are pregnant with #3, tell her when noone else is around. I know how hard it was to have to try and keep on a brave face and be too scared to cry b/ there were other friends/family around at any 'announcement'. I had 1 brother and SIL who were very scared of telling me for fear I'd be upset. They told us one on one, and gave us time and space to digest it, then only ever spoke about it when we brought it up. They undestood when others failed to see what we were going through. We have remained close to this sibling because they took the time to care and think about our feelings.
WHen telling her, tell her that you understand your news may be hard on her and you wanted to tell her 1 on 1 and then give her some time/space to digest it. If you know that even that may be too tough for her, then dropping her a very friendly email might be easier. Sometimes not having to look the person in the eye is easier and you can read it and re-read it at your leisure and respond when ready. Tell her that you're sorry this news will probably upset her, but that you truly do hope she has her own bundle on the way soon. - try to end it on a positive.
I've had a friend struggle thru multiple IVF failures and whilst i have gone on to have a child (had a loss at 5.5 yr mark t hen this successful preg), she's told me that Im the only one that's truly understood and handled things with her really well.
It's so nice to see that you are able to do the same with your neighbour.
Best of luck with everything.
I wouldn't put your life on hold for your neighbour. It's lovely that you're taking her feelings into account, but it's also not your fault that she's still TTC#2.
We have good friends that I've known since high school that have been TTC#1 for many many years. When I told her I was pregnant I did it over the phone when we were just about to hang up. That way she only had to pretend that she was happy for 2 seconds, & then could hang up the phone & have a cry without anyone but her DH knowing. I know she appreciated it because 12 months before she'd told me about another friend who had told them, then she had to be all happy when all she wanted to do was go home & cry (which she did when she got home). I felt guilty that we had no trouble & they've been trying for years, but I'd recommend telling your neighbour in a similar sort of way when you do get pregnant. I've also never complained about MS or being uncomfortable or anything in front of her, as I know she'd quite happily trade places with me right now.
I recommend TTC#3 when you're ready, but don't tell your neighbour that it happened first go etc unless she specifically asks. When you tell her, do it at a time when you're about to go home or on the phone, that way she can deal with it without having to pretend she's happy. It's lovely that you're so considerate, but you never know - she still might beat you to it
22/01/2008, 04:47 AM
You are very caring to be thinking about your neighbour but I would continue on with your plans to have another child when you are ready.
Situations change and she may not be your neighbour/friend for life and you may regret not going with your decision when you wanted to.
I'm sure she would be genuinely surprised if she knew what you were thinking of putting it off on her account.
You sound like the type of person who will know how to handle things once you do become pregnant.
All the best with trying!
22/01/2008, 08:04 PM
Thanks for all of your replies. It's nice to hear some other points of view.
I wil tell her once we are pg on her own and also help her through her problems in the mean time.
I just feel so so sorry for her and cannot imagine how hard it must be for her.
I know it sounds silly contemplating not having #3 in case of upsetting her but as we live next door to each other I just feel like every time I will see her she will get upset.
Hopefully in the next few months she may fall pg with her own anyway [I have everything crossed for her that's for sure].
Thanks again for allof your replies.
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