Okay, so i planned to go to the gym today a week ago.
I told DP 'Monday 3pm, is that okay?'
He said 'Yep No worries i'll look after DD, enjoy yourself.'

So today i pack my things and get ready to go out.
Obviously i'm nervous because this is the first time i've ever left DD for more than 5minutes with anybody else.
I ask him again, 'You sure your going to be ok?'
He Says 'Dont be silly, go to the gym and have a break away for once, you need it.'

So i'm at the gym, i've only been there 10minutes when i recive 4/5 phonecalls in a row. He knew i started at 3pm so i dont understand why he was ringing.
When i finished i rang him back and asked if DD was okay?
He said 'I just wanted to know when you'll be home?'
Then in the back ground his dad yells out; 'GET HOME AND LOOK AFTER YOU F***IN KID!'

I've never left her before and felt really upset/angry on the way home.
I felt ashamed on one hand, because maybe i shouldn't have left her?
But angry on the other hand because DP should be able to cope with her for a couple of hours untill i get back.



[b]Should i have just stayed home?

Your FIL is a pig!

I hope your DP didn't let him get away with it!

I dunno if you should or if you shouldn't have but I'd be keeping this revolting individual away from your child at all costs.

Delightful grandfather.

:xmas_wacko: :xmas_wacko: :xmas_wacko:

DP's father sounds like a w*n*er!!!! :xmas_mad:

Yes, your DP should be fine with you DD, and it sounds like he was, but it was his Dad being an asshat? What, he thinks women should be the ones to be with the kids 24/7? Hello, she has two parents!

Holy sh*t that's awful!
Your DP should have been able to deal with her on his own for a couple of hours!
Your DP's dad is a d*ck!

Um no, you shouldn't have stayed home, especially seeing as you had planned it with your DH a whole week ago.

And as for you FIL - RUDE!!

-Kerrie

Are you kidding? Of course he should be able to cope. DO NOT feel ashamed for going to the bloody gym. Who the hell is your FIL to be yelling out swear words at you for going to the gym?!!!!!!

Your FIL is an arsewipe! What did your partner say to him?

How much influence does oyur DP's father have over him? HIs father sounds like a total d*ckhead.

I suspect your DP was probably fine with you going out, until his dad put his 2 cents worth in.

And yes, of course you should be able to leave your DD with him - he is also her parent! And yes, he should be able to cope. Seriously a 1 month old baby is not at all difficult, even if they are screaming!

You are entitled to life outside your children, in fact you need to do this for you. It's incredibly important to get some 'me' time when you can.

I'd be limiting contact with his father though if he thinks it's OK to speak like that.

:xmas_blink: Um.....

:xmas_blink: Ok.....

:xmas_blink: Right.....

He didn't say anything at all. Just made out his dad didnt even say it.

I think you deserved a break your DP is the father and he should be more than capable of looking after his own child, which really from what you described he seemed to have no problem with.

Maybe he got a little bit freaked out because it's the first time he has stayed with DD alone ? In that case, you should leave them alone more often so he gets used to it. :xmas_wink:

I know it's hard to leave them,but he is the father, so you should feel comfortable leaving your DD with him.

About your FIL however, that was very uncalled for and extremely rude. Don't let his stupid comments stop you from taking a break every once in a while.

No way, you are entitled to do something for yourself
As for your FIL I would tell him to sod off and get out of your house as that language around children especially your own is not on. Your DP can look after your child she is also his shared parenting and all that.

WTF??

I hope your DP had some harsh words with him, i would be FUMING! He would not be back in my house with that attitude and language around my child.

You should definitely NOT have stayed home. Hope you enjoyed your gym session.

No, you shouldn't have stayed home at all. You arranged this with your DP well in advance. I would totally ignore what your FIL says and do what works for you and your DP, it has nothing to do with him. Please don't feel guilty at all, we all need some time to ourselves.

Well thats really sad and I'm sorry!

No you should be able to go out and do something. Your DP's father needs to think before he opens his mouth your DD can be looked after her dad.

No you shouldn't have stayed at home. Your FIL is an absolute pig and needs to be given a swift kick up his a*se.

You should feel comfortable leaving your daughter with her father and he should not need to call you and find out what time you will be home.

Hang on a second. Wait...

Did I miss the bit where you walked in and stabbed that jerk in the testicles with a fork?

Because that's the reaction he could expect if he yelled that out at ME.

F**k him. He's a pig. Your partner needs to tell him to shove it. Your child is presumably your DP's too? If so then why on earth shouldn't he parent her for an hour while you go to the gym.

Do not let your pig of a FIL bully you.

I'm with Descentia on this one.

Pair of pr*cks, especially FIL :xmas_dry:

:xmas_blink: I would have went home straight away and told him to get the hell out of my house! He would have got a mouth full from me. :xmas_mad:


I can't believe your DH didn't stand up for you! I'd be having a talk to him.

Yes your DH should be able to cope with bubs while you are out for a couple of hours after all he is her dad. Maybe after you left he realised he couldn't cope? Perhaps that's why he called you so much?

I am with you on this one...

I would have kept the message and gone off at him.... Obviously his knuckles were a little sore (from dragging along the ground) and so he was a little testy...

And no - you should not feel guilty at all...

Wow, that's awful. I'm really sorry that happened to you. We all need our time out. Please don't feel guilty for going to the gym. There are plenty of gyms that have creche, so you're definetely not the only mum who takes some time out to work out!

Do you live with your DP's father?

Also, does your DP realise how much it hurt you that he didn't say anything to his father in your defense. Simply by using 'feeling words'... 'I feel ____ when this happens', is far more effective than saying 'You a**hole, you should have stuck up for me'. Maybe he simply doesn't realise the effect that it had on you?

Are you sure that he knows that you heard it?

Are you serious?? :xmas_eek:

My DH has just spent the last week and a half playing house Dad while I worked FT!!

He can look after her just fine and your FIL can go to hell!

Of course you should have stayed home! After all, did no one point it out to you that once you have a child, you can go nowhere and do nothing without them! As for expecting her father to look after her - what a nerve! I'm sure he works very hard during the week at his job and deserves some rest on his days off - which he won't get looking after your baby!!!


PLEASE NOTE THE HEAVY USE OF SARCASM IN THE ABOVE!!!!! :xmas_tongue:

My God, if my FIL were still here and DARED to speak that way to me or about me, not only am I sure my husband would knock him flat (and he loves his dad) he would also back me up in kicking him out of the house, never to return!

I'm sorry, but your husband needs to grow some gonads and pull his father up for speaking to you like that.

If your husband is, by any chance, in any way uncomfortable looking after your baby by himself, the only way he'll become more so is by practice - and plenty of it!

No I dont live with DP'S father. I told him when i got home and we were having dinner that i didn't like the way he said what he said to me, and it made me feel like i was in the wrong. And he he just brushed it off with 'oh, you know what he's like..'

DP is a really good dad, and i know he has the ability to look after her when im not there, he's excellent when i am there, and i understand he might of been nervous. But FIL didn't help.


If only... :xmas_ninja:


Thankyou all for your posts. :xmas_rolleyes: Im deffinatly going to keep on going (it's only twice a week).

Sums it up for me.

All I can say is OMG!

What an absolutely horrible man your FIL is.

I hope for your sake that your partner toughens up and tells his father quite plainly that he is NOT to speak that way to you or about you ever again.

FWIW I left my DD with my DH for a couple of hours the day we arrived home from the hospital with her (3 days old). I wanted him to be able to cope with parenting her from Day 1. He coped fine and it has never ever been an issue for me to leave her with him.

Do you usually get a hard time from your FIL, what was the tone of it, was he joking (not that I'm saying that excuses the language), but what a really weird thing to blurt out. That's why I"m wondering do you guys have a bad relationship because if you don't and this caught you off guarge then I don't understand why you didn't say anything when you got home. I'm a very unconfrontational person but even I would have asked FIL why he said such a mean, rude, degrading thing.

It doesn't really give you any confidence to go out again does it, I'm really sorry but that's just not on, I wouldn't be letting dh get away with pushing it under the carpet. I guess that's why I'm asking if it was yelled out in a joking smart a*se manner, very strange.

Rachael and her 5 little princesses

No! But it sounds like your FIL should!

Sounds like my FIL.

I'd be giving him a talking to OP. Let him know how it works in your home, with the support of you're partner.

I agree with all of the above.

fil sounds like a turd.
BOO

I would refuse to let the man into my house. I don't care if he was joking, I don't care if that "is just how he is", I would not want someone with that sort of attitude, using that sort of language, around me or my child.

Everyone needs a bit of time for their own. You left your child with her other PARENT. Personally, I think it is great for you to get out on your own, and I think is great for your DP to have that time on his own with his daughter!

Your FIL sounds shocking, and as for your partner not standing up for himself and you, I would kill him.

As for should you have gone out. As long as your dp had a way of feeding your baby, (which can be challenging) then no big deal.

Has he fed the baby, changed the nappy, put her to sleep etc before?

Your FIL is a pr*ck!!

Yeah he's done all that while i've been there, and he can do all of it quite easily.

Did you punch him in the teeth while he was busy worrying about his stabbed nuts!!!

What an obnoxious pig!!

All the power to you and your getting fit OP!!

What a awful first experience of leaving your child. I would be furious.

I remember the first time I left DS I nearly cried, BAHAHA now I can't wait to throw the kids at DH when he walks in the door. Don't let the experience put you off, you deserve to have as much free time as you feel you need.

You need to sort out your partner's reaction before you actually marry him. He needs to learn that you, as his future wife, deserves support, understanding and compassion. Is he always going to brush of his father's rudeness?

So many marriage problems are caused by in-law difficulties. Do something about it now - your partner must understand how his father made you feel and that you need time to be a person, not just a mum. He has to learn to deal with pressure from his dad and/or others who might say otherwise.

Where abouts do you live? With your DP in your own home, or with your parents and your DP lives at home with his parents? Hence FIL was there.

Your FIL needs to pull his head in and your DP needs to stand up for you and himself

The FIL comments > :xmas_eek:

But why the heck was your DP calling you ? Was it urgent ? I would be p*ssed at the "When are you going to be home" calls Its just as bad as the 'Get the f*ck home comment' :xmas_ninja: and TBH I would not leave the baby at home with someone who calls 4 times to find out when you would be home :xmas_unsure:

Holy crap :xmas_ohmy:

I'd be going straight past your DH on this one and having a face off with the FIL and demand an apology.

Don't EVER let ANYONE speak to you like that and let them get away with it - just sets a precedent and they'll always think it's ok.

Failing that I'd be giving up the gym and taking up kickboxing if you get my drift

If I were you, I would be going to the gym 5 days a week now.

Your DH can cope.

Your FIL is a d*ckhead.

Agree with all the comments about the FIL so I'm not going to go there. But some points to add :xmas_rolleyes: ;

- Your partner calling you while you were at the gym was subtle emotional manipulation/blackmail (and definitely encouraged by scumbag FIL). Just ignore it and dp will give up and get on with it :xmas_wink:

- Just becasue you had a baby did not mean you gave up your right to a life - just as it didn't for your partner

I struggled stupidly for years with guilt about leaving DH (or anyone) for long with our two. Looking back it was so stupid and pointless, I had a really crap couple of years there, and was sad, resentful and lost any joy for my girls, my DP and myself. So pointless. Please don't fall into that trap, run free run free!!!

1. No, you shouldn't have stayed home. You've said yourself your DP knows what to do - and, from experience, he just needs to develop his confidence. Doing things regularly should help him.

2. Your FIL is a d*ck. Your DP needs to at least fake being on your side for you two to move forward positively.
Kent

I would say that your age makes you more of a target for others to mistakenly control you. It does sound like your FIL may be an opinionated pr*ck who needs to be told explicitly to butt out of your relationship with your DP and child.

I would try the "Yes, we know what he is like, however, it does not mean we have to accept it" path. This may help your DP understand that his Dad's attitude is not acceptable, nor warranted.

Good luck! Going to the gym is much fun.

You know very well that you didn't make a mistake in going, it's your FIL's reaction, and your DP's lack of reaction (to FIL) that has you questioning yourself, and I totally know how that feels

Maybe could you explain to your DP how it made you feel? Did it make you feel inferior? Or upset? sick to the stomach? guilty? not good enough? below him?
Explain to him that YOU and your child come before his family, and by not standing up to his father, he is in turn agreeing with him

Nip it in the bud before it escalates and keeps going/getting worse.

Regarding your DP calling, maybe he's insecure? I know when someone has my boys, I need to know when they will be back, ad I cannot relax thinking they could be back any minute. Maybe he was trying to organise what he'll do? Ask him why he called you. Ask him if he felt comfortable that he could handle anything that happend.

Talk it through with him otherwise you wont be on the same page, and both of you will just be guessing how the other is feeling.

Paulette

Oh and then your DP needs to speak to his father about how he speaks to you and treats you, and to not fob you off when you bring up his disgusting behaviour!

Please tell me that you have gone over to your FIL and kicked him where it hurts.

Honestly he is a knob.

Your DP needs to get some balls and stand up for you - You are the mother of his child and he is the father of your child. He was parenting not BABY SITTING like your FIL would call it in his stupid brain.

:xmas_tongue:

Re: FIL, I'm with everyone else in the known world in thinking that he's the world's worst turd.

Although it's easy to yell 'like it or lump it' on the internet. Less so in real life.

The sticking up for you bit is harder. Is your DP scared of his dad? It sounds like your FIL has a filthy temper and much as sons don't usually like to admit it, dads with tempers can scare the crap out of their kids. My guess is that FIL pressured your DP into calling you so often. Your DP was being bullied by his own dad and was too scared to say "Dad, back off - I'm fine, the baby's fine, mum's at the gym and she'll be home before it's feeding time, just settle down. Really, it's all good." If he doesn't feel able to push back on him when everything's fine and dandy then when FIL starts swearing at you he's going to be even less able.
He's probably spent his whole life doing what this man tells him to do, so it's going to be hard for him to learn to be scared but stand up to him anyway.
If this sounds like what's going on, I'd go gently and see if you can get him to agree to start working on standing up to his dad, with a few ground rules:

1) When either of you go out, you arrange times for leaving and coming home. Phone if you'll be late.
2) These arrangements are sacrosanct - unless there's an emergency or something that you didn't know about before hand that can't wait, there will be no disturbances.

If he agrees to this then he's got some backing whenever his dad starts being obnoxious - he can say 'sorry dad, DP and I have an agreement. She'll be home in X minutes, untill then I'm fine.'