Hi ladies

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your sexual assault stories I really don't think society as a whole realises how common sexual assault is in our society.

I was wondering if you are now more protective of your children because of it it's a genuine question and I understand completely if you don't wish to contribute anymore especially after all the horrible comments I read by a few posters who I won't name here but needless to say I was disgusted and I'm sorry you all had to read those comments

When you realise how many people were raped/assaulted by family members (fathers, grandfathers, uncles etc) it makes me wonder who do you trust? Especially when it comes to babysitting etc. Do you find that you don't use family as babysitters? It's given me pause for thought after reading the thread.

Thanks in advance for any comments.

Edited to add: Also if you haven't had a childhood of sexual assault and you have read the previous thread, has this given you pause for thought about your children being around family members? Just wondering.



Come to think of it...I wonder if I've worded the title right...it probably isn't being "over" protective but just "protective" if you were a surviver of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a family member.

Quite the opposite.

I am doing my best to teach her self confidence, trustng her own instincts, speaking out and standing up for herself. Most important is her healthy self esteem.

Not trusting my instincts, not having the skills to question authority and politeness was my undoing.

I do not want her to live in fear as that is half a life. I am still working my way out of my own fear and it has taken much of my life.

My children have not stayed with anyone, apart from my parents or dh's mother after the birth of my 2nd dd for one night each that was it, while I was in hospital and dh stayed with me. To this day that is the only time they have stayed with anyone. My dd is turning 9 this year and I won't let them stay with anyone as yet......

Yes, both J & I are very protective & selective.

I have a bad feeling about one of DD's best friend's father, and so does J (independent of mine). She will never, ever go there.

Thanks Anita. I didn't even think about that possibility. Especially the questioning authority & trusting instincts & the politeness. It sounds like a valuable lesson to talk to DD about. That not ALL situations require her to do as she is told & be polite to everyone. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think this is a valuable thread to help parents.

Jen1: I haven't let my kids sleep over anywhere yet. And after reading that other thread I don't think I would be comfortable to until my kids are of an age where they can run/defend themselves or call me for help.

To add, J's mother was sexually assulted by her brother.

I agree, but even when they are old enough they still won't tell....

Protective and Selective.

I have instilled in all of my children that when doors are closed you knock.
Bathrooms are an area of total privacy.
Sexuality and boundaries are respected
We never walk around naked

I teach my kids this song about boundaries






Written by Peter Alsop, ©1983, Moose School Music (BMI)
Sorry, I haven't asked for permission to copy so I hope it's ok with the author and publishing details provided.



additional lyrics by Green Thumb Theatre

Thanks Crone! I've never heard of that song (I'm a parent on her learners! EB has taught me so much).

Jen1: I didn't even think of the fact that kids might not talk about it what would be a safe age to let them sleep over? I know my DH thinks I'm already overprotective but after reading these threads I think I'm right to be so cautious. My heart would break if anything happened to my darlings

Not all children would talk about it, as it wasn't really something that you could bring up as child. I would feel that it is an age at what you would feel, but for me it will be a long long time for my children, whoever they are. You truely don't know what they are like even family.

My two elder children can go to a camp soon, but they will not be going, I don't feel comfortable with it at all. They will miss out because of what happened to me as a child...

I am protective of my DD but she is only 2 so haven't encountered any situations (camp, sleep overs etc) however she has only been babysat by a trusted cousin and by my Mum. I've been to the local shopping centre a few times and actually encountered a middle aged male who just stared and stared at my DD. Ran into him another day and he did the same,a few days later he actually approached myself and DD and tried to say "hello" to such a "beautiful young girl" and tried to touch her face. I proceeded to tell him i would appreciate it if he stayed away from my DD and did not stare at her and under no circumstances was he to EVER touch my child. Maybe a bit OTT, perhaps he was an innocent guy but he really gave off a creepy vibe and my "Mummy Radar" was just going crazy! I didn't go back to that shopping centre for weeks.

Another time when we were on holiday a stranger was watching my DD run around and actually tried to take a photo! Again, it could have been "innocent" but i flew into a "excuse me what do you think you are doing you better not be pointing that camera at my daughter who the hell do you think you are" rant. OTT? Possibly, but i saw no need for a stranger to have a pic of my girl!

I'm wary of all the bad that can happen.. don't know how it'll go as she gets older! I want to protect her but i certainly don't want her to be scared of the world.... hopefully i'll find a balance

Where did the other thread go. It was safe there (with a couple of exceptions

Anyway I get very paranoid but I try to remind myself that not everyone has the experiences I do. I only allow my children to stay with my nan and step dad at the moment though

I think I am constantly aware, more so than over protective.

The man that molested me over a number of years is still married to my grandmother, even though she knows exactly what happened all those years ago. Shivers went down my spine when my sister went to her place to pick up a birthday present a couple of years ago for my nephew, who was 11 at the time. Grandmother's husband said to my nephew, I will have to take you out to play golf sometime, since Isobel is too young at the moment.

I could not believe this a*s*hole had the nerve to say such a thing. There is no way I will be letting him have a free hit at my daughter.

Xena the other thread may be hidden atm. Jupiter posted that she wanted to edit a few things.

Okay thanks! I'm not happy that other women have been through those horrible experiences but I I also felt like I wasn't alone which was almost nice (if it wasn't for the circumstances)

DD is only 17 months but she doesn't have sleep overs and until she's older it won't be happening. I was assulted as a child and i am SO scared the same will happen to her but i'm also scared that i will restrict her from a 'normal' childhood because of my fears.

Jen1 I fell the same way, i would never forgive myself if something happened to her and i couldn't see it

Vanessa71 Thats horrible to think he's still around and talking like that to your family. It must be very hard for you.

Pleased you posted that Q Xena because I've spent the last 10 minutes trying to find it.

In answer to the OP, I am overprotective of my children against MYSELF. I am acutely aware that the unfortunate side effect of incest is incest itself.

There are times I have anxiety attacks about bathing my children. I hate washing their genitals because it feels so dirty.

I'm fairly certain my dad was sexually abused by his father just by a wierd proposition my Grandfather put to me a couple of years before he died. I am absolutely resolute I will be the breaker of the cycle of abuse in my family.

EB have made me more acutely aware of sexual assaults on children. I have a DS who is barely 2 years old but I am already foreseeing that I will definitely be overprotective of him until he is old enough to defend himself. I will definitely also teach him to be vocal and maybe lessons in self protection wouldn't hurt.

I will also be teaching him about respecting other people's bodies and looking after women who appears to be in a vulnerable position.

I was very fortunate to never have been assaulted or came close to. My hearts goes out to all those who were - please remember, it is NEVER your fault - don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Xena

I do not have children as yet, but when the other thread returns Citizen (something) cannot recall full u/name gave some good advice I thought in regards to her children.
Personally, I think I will not let them out of the house until they are 30 I have 4 stepchildren and I am already protective of them

When I was 8 we were at Luna Park, mum was right by me but was distracted and a total stranger stuck his hand up my skirt and into my undies.

I didn't scream or yell or tell anyone.

Years later I wonder why and I really think that it was because at 8 years old, anyone touching you 'down there' and you think it's rude or naughty. I think that somehow I must have thought that I would be in trouble or that we don't talk about rude things.

At 8 you don't think, this is a sexual predator that must be stopped.

I'm protective of my children ( now teenagers) and did worry, but on the other hand we have allowed sleepovers. The boys were always taught about saying no and touching and that if they ever felt uncomfortable at all, no matter what time of night that they should ring us. If need be they were to pretend to be sick and about to vomit ( who wants a spewer staying over) in case the other family didn't want to disturb us late at night.

Fortunately they never needed this strategy but it did make it easier to let them go if they had some plans in place in case they needed or wanted us to come and get them.

Thanks ladies for sharing.

After reading that thread it makes me wonder how many innocent unsuspecting parents leave their children in the care of others for babysitting and I wonder if there needs to be more awareness out there.

I believe I am overprotective. My mother was abused by a stranger, my sister by my own father. I didn't even like my ex taking the kids because it scared the hell outta me what might happen when they weren't in my care, where he would take them, who they would be exposed too. But in the end I had to let go and just do the best I could to teach them what is and isn't ok, and to tell mummy. By 18 months Jaidan knew noone was allowed to touch his penis, he knew that they were private areas and that noone should make him touch. Some people were shocked that at such a young age I was already talking ("exposing") him to this but you can't start too young.

There is a book called "everybody has a bottom" which you can get and I highly reccomend it to all parents so they can read it to their kids. We read it about 4 times a week, the boys like it and it teaches about privacy, bad and good touch etc. Something that is so important from a very young age, but it does so without putting a negative or inappropriate spin on it.

Also I have always taught them to use the right words for things. None of this peepee giny crap. Otherwise is heaven forbid something happened they wouldn't know how to explain it properly. I think this is a very important step that some parents don't bother with (the "it wont happen to me" thoughts)

I would say I am not so protective NOW they are getting older and are more verbal and able to say no. They go to daycare and Jaidan is in Kinda now. You loose that control and you have to learn that instead of keeping them with you 24/7 in the hope nothing happens, you need to teach them what is and isn't ok, teach them that they have a voice and need to use it, and let them have some freedom to be kids.

At some point they go out into the world.

Recently there was a kidnapping attempt in a school in France. A man walked inot the school grounds during playt time, picked upa girl and started carrying her back to his car. She yelled. kicked and hit him and the other children attacked him. The girl escaped. I was so very proud of those children for the brave steps they took.

No amount of checking out the school, teachers and others kids would have protected the girl in this instance. I know this is a very very rare instance but it just demonstrates my earlier point. Of course the situation is even more difficult for the child when it is some-one they know(and perhaps love) - a trusted family friend, their step father, their brother, the girl next door. Strangers are not the only danger. Teaching your child the skills does not mean that you don't also assess where they go or not. It is just another layer of protection.

MadMelzy Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I will definitley be getting a copy of that book. I have often wondered if there is something around like this.

I like your approach and think you have some great ideas that i'll be using for my DD

I tend to be overprotective of Moo. Recently my in laws wanted to take her on holiday with them but DH and I both said no. DH said no because the house was right on the beach. I said no because I had heard some creepy stories about DH's sister's husband.
I also screen older boys as potential threats. I was about three was I was molested by a teenage friend of the family so that is why I am very protective in this situation.
I also did a course on this and this is what they suggested. Talking to your child every day about what happened which was good and bad, allowing no secrets, not forcing a child to kiss Aunty Merle if she does not want to. Forcing her, as my parents did with me, makes a child think unwanted affection is okay. Aunty Merle is an adult, she will get over being rebuffed.
DD is almost two and stayed with my in laws at their house when she was a baby. Since then, only my sister has looked after her overnight. Although I have used nannies in the past when I was sick and had no other option but I was mostly always at home with them.

To be honest I am the same as Jen1. My children have only stayed with my parents (as I know that they are safe) and that's it.

My son who is 9 has only recently slept over at his bf's house who I have made a point of getting to know the family. They have been bf's now for 3 years and it was only after this long that I felt comfortable.

I think it's a parents obligation to ensure that nothing like that ever happens to my children. It is simply not something that you can put a band-aid on. Once anything happens like that they are affected for the rest of their lives and I am simply not prepared to take that risk.

I am questioning the people who won't let their kids go to camp because they feel they would be in danger??

Is it school camp you are talking about? That would make your kids 10 or 11yo I'm guessing?

What reason are you giving your kids that they cant go? What do you expect your kids to tell their friends why they aren't going? I doubt they would feel comfortable saying to their friend 'mum wont let me go to camp because there might be sexual predators there'.

I would hope that at 10 years old my daughters would know not to put themselves in a position of danger - e.g go about camp on their own, always be with a buddy. The school would insist on this type of behavior in my experience anyway?

I dont pretend to understand your pain and what you might have gone through as a child, but in this particular circumstance I would hate to think your child misses out on this life experience because you didn't have a didnt have a good one.

Sleepovers at a house where you dont know the parents well I fully understand, but a school camp??

MOUTH i was was sexually abused from the age of 9 to 12 and never said a word until i was in my 20's. NEVER assume your child would know not to put themselves in that sort of situation. My parents had no idea!

Mouth, it isn't a school camp. My eldest dd will turn 9 this year. They won't be going, and I know they won't be the only one's not going. If I could go along then yes they can go, but if not then they aren't.

You would hope so wouldn't you, but it isn't always the case....

I m over protective of my little one but sadly thats due to the area I work in. I dont trust anyone.

However due to the experiences I have been through, I am determined to teach my son 'respect for women' (and generally respect for all people) and I hope that he grows to have that respect.

My family are predominantly female and his playgroup is all girls so I hope something sinks in or he will have a group of us onto him!

Danni