So if you have fantasies about your own gender, does that mean you are bi or gay?

What if you are a woman and are happily married to a man and are sexually attracted to him, but you might occassionally like to view pornography of the opposite gender? Are you still bi even if you would never act out on those fantasies IRL?

What exactly is the definition of bisexual or gay as far as you are concerned?

Watch out people she's doing a piece for jerry springer

Thanks for the insight there!

I class myself as bicurious for the following reasons:


1. I find the idea of girl on girl to be sexy
2. BUT I have never found a woman that I am attracted to the way I am to men
3. THUS I conclude that I am not bisexual, but am curious about the idea, and should I find a woman i am attracted to, I would consider a sexual encounter / relationship (if I weren't married at the time)

To me, bisexual is when you KNOW for sure that you're attracted to both genders. I don't KNOW, I just find the idea sexy, and would be willing to try it out. If I weren't willing to try it out, I would be straight, with fantasies.

I would have thought it was how you defined yourself in your own mind.

Just because you are a man married to a woman say doesn't mean you might not be gay....even if you have never slept with a man. If fanstasies define your sexual identitiy then what does that mean for a woman who like to watch gay male porn? Is she actually a gay man trapped in a woman's body?

My sexuality was clear way before my first relationship. And I am not sure that people always fit in neat boxes.

I can pretty much ditto Lillijen.

But for one point - I have been with 3 women/girls and unfortunately didn't enjoy it.
I was in my 20s then and really wanted to experiment and be open to all experiences.
Turns out I'm straight but still harbour a fantasy for the 'right' woman.

So I think you could only classify as gay or bi if you loved the sex and felt a desire for your own gender and a willingness to have a longer term relationship eventually.

No, it just means that you are an active, sexual being with an open mind.



See, I see this as quite usual, ordinary, sexual behaviour. To me, fantasies are healthy and not out of the ordinary, they most often involve people or situations that if presented to us in real life we'd decline politely! This includes pornography - it's a fantasy world that I think adult relationships can embrace and not have hiddden from each other. For example: I've read erotica with homosexual activity that I find a turn on, DH definitely knows about it and quite frankly he's a fan of anything that turns me on! It's essentially me having "a gay porn stash" like mentioned in another thread, but I would not define myself as bisexual as it is such a sporadic, small part of my overall sexual orientation that exists only in my mind


Agree with this.

Ditto.

I did try it, while I enjoyed giving someone pleasure I did not "feel" anything myself. Boobs are always nice but I am straight. At a stretch I would still say bi curious. I have found women to be the best kissers though.

ETA- My ex is bi. He new from an early age. He doesn't feel anything but sexual attraction toward men but has thought of having a relationship with one. He decided that wasn't for him. It's just the way he is.

This. Exactly.

The only thing that 'makes' someone gay/bisexual/pansexual/asexual/queer/woman/man/trans/genderqueer etc. is self-identity. There's no performativity requirement.

Some people will get up in arms about the fact that they don't get to define my identity on my behalf, but my right to self-identity trumps their desire to keep me in a nice little box of their choosing.

Also, there are different types of attraction. Some people are entirely asexual, but want to spend the rest of their life in a committed relationship with a particular gender. Some are sexually attracted to all genders, but are only romantically interested in one of them. Or vice versa. Or any other combination.

This is my ex. Male, female, transgender you name it. But he only has relationships with women. Makes things very complicated I can tell you lol

Some men can have sex with other men while in prison, (if they have a long sentence and it's the only sex that's available), but then once out of prison return to having sex with women and never have sex with men again. Does this make them gay?

Many men may have had 'sexual encounters' (even if this is just mutual wanking or other simple curiousity) with other boys as they go through puberty, especially back in the days when all-boy boarding schools were common...does this make them gay?



Then I'm in trouble LOL

I remember reading somewhere (and I completely agree) that everyone's sexuality is on a spectrum with completely heterosexual and completely homosexual on opposite ends.

Very few people would be on either extreme end and everyone else could be anywhere in the middle.

Essentially meaning that sexuality cannot be really determined by three categories (gay/ straight/ bi).

The Kinsey scale, or a different one?

I agree it is not for anyone to defgine but the individual. I think it is about an active attraction and not just a fantasy. I also think sexual attraction should be separated from love attraction. And also sexual impulse i.e. only having sex with available people as there are no other choices like navy, prison etc situations is outside of attraction boundaries IMO. I firmly believe though that most people areborn bisexual and that they are conditioned through social and sexual experiences and expectations.

I know I am Bisexual as I love and am sexually attracted to women and men pretty equally. I have had seveal female relationships and male ones and because I am actively involved in politics and lonbby groups I like to identify myself as Bi to further the cause of same sex marriage and social awareness that yes a married woman with children can still be bisexual.

I don't think a small amount of experimentation with the same sex necessarily classes you gay or even bi.

I'm not a vegetarian because I occasionaly have a meal made up entirely of vegetables.

I think it's a part of how you see yourself, are you open to all types of relationships wether it be same sex or opposite? Do you view those relationships as the same standard - ie is same sex just mucking around, fun and relationships with the opposite sex more serious, potentially leading to marriage and children. Could you consider a relationship with someone of the same sex to be a life time partnership?

Probably never going to be a clear cut case. You are who you are. Classing yourself as gay, bi or hetro is simply indicating to people that you are open to relationships in whicever category.

mm..interesting... I have always been attracted to people, rather than gender...So I guess, I have never boxed myself in saying I can only be attracted to men....having said that, I am married with kids, happily so..

even so, I still find myself attracted to all sorts of people, but being in a committed relationship, they will remain fantasies..and what good fantasies they make!!!

I agree with what Lillijen said...

Pornography - I dont find heterosexual porn a turn on at all, in fact I think it turns me off (I could just be looking at the wrong stuff though ), but show me lesbian porn and you have a completely different story, I dont think this makes me bi or gay - just because hetero porn doesnt turn me on, doesnt mean that men dont - and just because I find women attractive, or the idea of being with a woman a turn on, doesnt mean that Im about to 'switch sides'...

Dunno, I find women beautiful to look, some really sexy. I like to look at them as much as look at men. I still consider myself hetro. That said, I often wish I had a relationship with a man that is as emotionally honest and satisfying as I have found it to be with the women in my life.

So, if I could take the internal attraction I have for women, and put it with the physical attraction I have for men- perfection.

So true and yet so rare for people to acknowledge - on all 'sides'...

So do I. And,


As I have been in a committed, heterosexual relationship for nearly 16 years, and am deeply in love with my DP, I'm not about to risk it to experiment with either males or females. But if I was single I would be open to relationships with either.