I have had a terrible pregnancy. I had cramping and spotting from 7 weeks and had three ultrasounds before the 12 1/2 week nuchal. Each time everything was ok. At the nuchal we were told that the downs % was less than 1 in 5 plus there were additional chromosome issues. The Sac size was also WAY too small and baby couldn't really move. The growth was not proportionate either. The placenta was not working and there were no hormones being produced AT ALL by the placenta or myself. All this along with a strong heartbeat ranging from 150 to 174 throughout the preg. (ironic)

We were not really given a choice but pretty much told to terminate the pregnancy rather than wait for a natural miscarriage. I had a D&C the next day. I am of course so sad over the whole thing but never really attached myself the way I did with DS as I felt from very early on that something was not right.

My issue now is the complete guilt I am feeling for terminating another human beings life. I just can't get it out of mind and it is eating me up inside. I don't know what to think, what to do with myself, what to wear etc etc. I am crying all the time.

Has anyone else had to deal with a termination? It is the moral part of all of this mess that I can't seem to shake. I lost my Mum a few years ago, had depression from that, had mild post-natal depression (although never treated) with DS so I know all about grief and the stages of it all.

Just not sure what to do with myself......

Meeche

I am so sorry for your loss.
I would get in contact with your local SANDS group as they have counsellors and contacts for women in similar situations to talk about this with.

I have no advice but I think there are women who have gone through similar experiences to you so hopefully they can pm or post some support.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve for your loss.

Cheers
Ellie
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/Ellie1306/womanatputer2.bmp[/img]

I really feel for you. I only found out last Monday night (coincidently my husband's birthday)that I was pregnant with our first baby. We were overjoyed but overnight I had really bad stomach pain and then began spotting. I've had an ultra sound and everything seemed fine but the spotting hasn't stopped and it is really hard work not knowing what's going on inside.

The only way I am getting through is to keep thinking that if a miscarriage occurs, it's God's way of saying that everything's not quite right. Your decision to terminate early was a very brave one. I believe there is a reason for everything. You just have to find that reason and you will find peace. You have not done anything wrong. Be there for your family but take time for yourself.

My thoughts go out to you.

Meeche,

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I went through it all last April. At my 19 week u/s, they found my DD had stopped growing at 15 weeks, with the fluid levels very low. Another u/s at 21 weeks confirmed that she had hardly grown, the fluid levels were so low they couldn't get a measurement. I was advised to terminate. I was induced at 21.4 weeks and gave birth to Gabrielle.

Terminating my pg went against all my morals, religion, way of thinking. I had so many problems with dealing with my guilt. The first thing I said when Gabby was born was 'I'm sorry'. It's a very normal thing to feel.

I would definitely do as Ellie has suggested and contact SANDS or if you are in NSW contact SIDS. I had a couple of counselling sessions with SIDS and they were absolutely fantastic. It really helps to talk about it.

Also check out the thread that is in this forum for ppl who have suffered Miscarriage/Stillbirth/Neonatal loss. All the women on here are fantastic and willing to lend an ear if it's all getting too much for you.

I have no magic words. If I did I would use them on myself. Just know your feelings are normal. They won't go away, but they will lessen in time. hugs to you. Be kind to yourself.

Cass

Meeche

I couldnt go past and not reply.

I am terribly sorry for your heartbreak and losing your little bubba. The emotions that you are experiencing are completely normal for someone that has gone through the ordeal of losing a baby.

I know the guilt really gets to you. I recently had an ectopic, the baby was alive when it was diagnosed but nothing could be done. then my tube ruptured. It is horrible and i feel really guilty that i couldnt do anything to protect my baby from its predetermined fate.

I am going to contact SANDS when i have the courage, I havent found that yet. I chat in here a lot ( almost a bit too much). I find it helps chatting to those who have been through the same or similar experience.

Thinking of you and sending you *hugs*



kbear
dh, 2 dd's
m/c Sept 04
Ectopic Pg Jan 05
<a href="http://www.tickercentral.com"><img border="0" src="http://www.tickercentral.com/view/2431/4"></a>
http://www2.fertilityfriend.com/home/kbear5

Thanks Cass - such lovely supportive words.

Cheers
Ellie
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v249/Ellie1306/womanatputer2.bmp[/img]

Dear Meeche,
Firstly I am sorry to hear of your loss,
It is hard to face the loss of a baby but this is even harder when compunded by the guilt you feel.
Last May we had to make the decision to terminate one of our twins in order to save the other one.
The decision was awful to have to make.
It is hard but you can only be guided by doctors and professionals who deal with this all the time and know you did the only thing you could do.
You need to know that no one is judging you and everyone feels for you and supports you.
I hope that you find the support you need either here or with SANDS as suggested.

hugs from me Corina

Meeche, hugs to you, so sorry for your ordeal and losing that precious baby.

I have sent you a PM...

Ally ....

DH Mark
DD Kristen, in heaven, 18.10.2004