Let me guess…you saw the headline, clicked on the story and then - as you waited for it to load – you scratched your head. How could you not? My head is itching right now, just writing this.
Of course, that could be because I have nits. Yep, right now. I know, totally gross, I don't deny it. But the truth is that adults get nits too. Heck, even Heidi Klum gets nits.
Yes, I've treated myself, and the kids. But I know the little blighters (that's the polite version of the word I generally use) are still there. I'll attack them again tonight but, for now, I'm experiencing most of these 10 things.
You know you've got nits when …
1. You see two people with their heads touching and have to restrain yourself from yelling: 'Get away from each other, NOW!'. Like this photo of Elton John and Lady Gaga – what were they thinking?
2. On arrival at work, you open all the windows and spray some extra perfume, paranoid that your hair still reeks of the treatment product that you used last night.
3. When you are woken in the morning with a beautiful cuddle from your child, instead of inviting them under the covers, as you normally would, you push them away and sit up, saying: 'stay away from my head!'
4. After a time of being absorbed in an activity, like reading, you realise that you have been consistently scratching your head without even noticing.
5. You feel like you are channelling your inner ape – every time you see your children, you have a desperate urge to groom them, checking for nits at every turn.
6. You take a sudden liking to tight, severe hairstyles. No wispy bits.
7. You consider bringing back the Elizabethan fashion of carrying around a thin stick so you can scratch at will in a slightly more stylish way than getting stuck in with your fingernails.
8. Your children's hair is noticeably shiny and clean – a sign of having been washed, conditioned and combed to within an inch of its life.
9. You resist giving your usual 'hello kiss' to friends and family members. Even an innocent peck on the cheek can bring your hair into contact with the other person's. Even with your tight, severe hairstyle. It's bad enough having kids pass on nits to each other with head-to-head contact. You giving nits to an adult friend is worse.
10. When someone asks what you did last night, you hesitate, making an on-the-spot assessment about whether the person you are talking to is someone you can trust with the truthful answer of: 'I spent my evening nit-treating the whole family.'
Ah, the joys of parenting. Now, please excuse me while I go scratch and prepare for yet another session with my nit comb.