5 complaints sex therapists hear the most

Young couple's feet under blanket
Young couple's feet under blanket Photo: Cultura RM/Emely

There are many benefits to having sex, but throw in a few years, stress and children some problems can arise.

We asked sexual health therapists the most common complaints they hear from couples.

Five most common complaints sex therapists hear

Mismatched libidos

"Probably the most frequent one is mismatched libidos," says sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell.

"But there's nothing you can do about your libido, you are what you are," she says.

It can be really unhelpful to pin the blame on one of the partners, instead, Darnell says, "What can be more helpful is to remember the reasons why you are in the relationship in the first place and look at it with compromise, compassion and understanding."

They want pre-baby sex lives back

When couples refer to pre-baby sex, what they are actually hoping for is to return to the beginning of their relationship.

"Expecting that you are going to be like you were in the first year, when you've [now] got a screaming baby, you are kind of setting yourself up for disappointment," Darnell says. 

"It's also about having a bit of a reality check and recognising that your sex life in the first couple of years after you've had a baby is not going to be like it was when you first started dating."

Dull sex

Psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer says the most important thing for couples is to maintain communication, but also educate themselves about sex and pleasure. It's very common for women to not know what they want, making it very difficult to communicate their needs.

Even more common is the misconception that men enjoy sex even if their partner doesn't. The fact is, according to Hellyer, "What they [men] love best about sex is their partner's pleasure. The more pleasure she has, the more pleasure he has."

Additionally, Hellyer says, "Don't try and have sex at 11pm at night when you are tired." Sex should be treated the same way you would a "mutual hobby", being sure to set aside quality time for your hobby.

Sexless marriage or relationship

Many couples may feel embarrassed to admit the sex has gone from their relationship but sexual health therapist, Matty Silver says, "It is important to remember that these stresses are normal under certain circumstances and that after a period of not much sex, intimacy will resume."

Silver's advice: "Start fixing the issues before it is too late. Everyone is different, and there are many reasons couples do not want sex."

The female can't orgasm during sex

A frequent question, according to Silver is: "Why is it so difficult to have an orgasm with penetrative sex?"

Silver says it's quite common with "only about 20 per cent of women achieving an orgasm by penetrative sex alone.

"It's not only women who have anxieties about not having an orgasm during partner sex; men often worry that it's their fault and can start feeling inadequate."

See more:

Is anyone getting any sex?

How 'normal' is your sex life?

When your husband doesn't want sex