It's enough to make this mum of three boys run from the house screaming, never to return. But seriously, there comes a time in a teen boy's life where self-discovery takes over his life for a while. And parents, you're going to need to keep him in constant supply of tissues, or suffer the dire consequences.
A review on Amazon, for a 36 pack of Kleenex tissues has been brought to the attention of Reddit users for its hilarious take on teen boy masturbation habits.
Titled 'A mother's struggle,' this mum isn't glossing over the very real workload of keeping up with three boys in the grips (sorry) of sexual awakening.
She starts by saying she'd be the first to sign up for a 72-pack, for three very good reasons.
"I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I've put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank."
She then identifies a hierarchy of body fluid disposal in her house which more than justifies the need for bulk tissue purchases.
"This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don't want it to get there, unless you're ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze."
The comes the horrifying detail. Read on, if you can bear to...
"This used to be a good Christian home. But it's not about moral judgment anymore. I'm way beyond that. I'm in survival mode. If I don't supply absorbent paper products, I'm going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical."
I'm just going to lock away all of my teatowels and washers right now. BRB.
Do these kids think they're fooling her? Honestly, mums are so on to this stuff. The cow bell is actually a great idea (storing this idea for later... or next week).
"The funny part is, they think they're being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for "privacy", as if I'm going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I'm not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I'm just trying to get through this."
Now we are all sufficiently alarmed, here's the clincher. Her husband has no idea why she bought so many tissues. I mean, really?!
"The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, 'Honey, what're you doing with all that Kleenex?' I about knocked him off his chair."
Then came the comments, with more than 11,000 also upvoting the review as 'helpful.'
"With our four sons, 17,15 and the twins, age 13, we've had to felt bumpers to the backs of their headboards because the dogs kept barking, thinking that someone is trapped in the walls, knocking to get out," wrote one commenter.
"I have 3 boys of my own. We haven't reached this stage...yet. I think I am going to go ahead and start stockpiling Kleenex for the future. Thanks for the laughs."
And from Reddit, "Not kidding, my aunt had 4 teenage boys living with her for about three years. She has Vietnam style flashbacks about this subject. She use to buy 2 sets of hand towels a month and countless bundles of socks. They all thought they were being smooth but she knew immediately and just suffered through it for like 9-10 years."
Read it and weep, parents of boys, and start stockpiling now.