If there is one thing I hate, it's looking too hot at the beach. It's embarrassing. All the attention. The wolf whistles. The selfie requests.
I thank my three children, wine and potatoes, and my merry dance into my mid-forties for all this bodily perfection.
And the pressure to keep that up is immense. I work out. I exfoliate. I try to remember to deforest all my overgrown bits before I hit the sand. If only there was an easier way…
Now all my prayers have been answered. Not only can I relax at the beach, I'm pretty sure nobody will be bothering me while I laze on my beach towel ever again.
Behold, the sexy chest swimsuit. "Make the pool boy say WTF," boasts the Beloved Wear website.
I'd speculate it won't just be the pool boy.
The one-piece swimmers feature a photographic image of a nice cuddly "dad bod" complete with a healthy layer of chest and belly hair. And you won't need to worry about your bikini line – that will just blend right in with whatever on earth is going on at the bottom there.
The swimmers come in a choice of five skin tones.
And if it's too cold to rock the sexy chest swimsuit where you are right now, never fear! How about the sexy chest tracksuit?
Stay warm in an outfit of poly cotton – plus an extra layer of hair all over your body. Guaranteed to make absolutely everyone you meet say WTF.
Is this a loopy idea, or is there a feminist agenda at play here? The suits sure do make a statement about the difference between society's expectations of women's bodies as opposed to what we accept from men.
But sometimes there's a fine line between feminist statement and bat-s**t crazy. We need the crazy ideas to keep pushing the boundaries of what we think is acceptable in society, and so I applaud the sexy chest range for its ability to start a conversation about women's bodies and society's expectations.
But I might stick to basic black for now.