Pressure to raise a 'tough boy'

Kylie Orr

This week's word: Implacable; im-PLAK-uh-bul; (adjective)
Meaning: not placable : not capable of being appeased, significantly changed, or mitigated

Having three boys I am acutely aware of mindless comments made about boys needing to "toughen up". A boy falls over, it's: "get up mate, you'll be right"; a girl falls over: "come here sweetie, did you hurt yourself?" Possibly a sweeping generalisation but I do feel the pressure of not letting my boys cry because of their gender.

My eldest is a sensitive child. His response to difficult situations has always been to cry. Not ideal, but in my books, better than knocking someone out with a fist because things didn't go their way (cue child #2). As he's grown older, he's much better at controlling his emotions and using language to convey what has upset him. This doesn't mean he is free from meltdowns, but they have certainly reduced significantly, and he is no longer implacable.

We have a rule in our house: crying is for when you are sad or you hurt yourself. It is not for when I put the wrong DVD on or if you were refused a chocolate biscuit for breakfast. I am conscious of raising sensitive males not "sooks". And to me, there is a difference. Sooking and whinging are not encouraged in our home, but we do not chastise our boys for crying if they are hurt or upset. Isn't this half the problem in adult males? No room to express their true feelings for fear of ridicule and accusations of not being a "real" man?

I married a sensitive soul so it is no surprise we have produced a child who favours "the vapours" when things don't go his way. Shock horror, my husband is still a bloke despite his un-brute-like nature. He loves football; likes to build "stuff"; doesn't really understand chicks and all our paraphernalia; he calls make up "face paint" and needs a shed to survive. He gets annoyed with people, like all of us, but doesn't think a fist in the face is the answer. He doesn't use phrases like "let's take it outside" or "I'll show you who's boss" when in a pub. He doesn't yell at our children for crying. He is in my eyes, a perfect male role model. But then I married him, so I'm probably a little biased.

I've heard some interesting phrases in my time, when it comes to fathers and their sons. Amusing as they may be, I don't think it is fair to use them in the context of an upset child. One friend favours "suck it up princess" when his son looks like he is going to shed a tear. The same father was encouraging my son to have "manly moments" when he started to cry because he wanted to have a sleepover at his friend's house and the big bad mum (i.e. me) said no. I don't know if my five year old comprehended the meaning of a "manly moment". As adults, we could interpret that phrase in a completely different context, and I'm not sure the "manly moment" I'm thinking of would involve much crying!

I'll admit that my son crying every time the world seems unfair or things travel a bumpy road is particularly tiresome from a parenting point of view, however I know he will learn strategies to cope with his emotions and build resilience over time. He is only five, after all. I'm determined to refrain from making crying taboo, which will only serve to stamp out any emotional radar he has. The flip side to all the crying is an incredible compassion for others and a gentle nature that will serve him well in life.

Despite society's desire to label men and women in such gender specific categories of "strong" (men) and "emotional" (women), I am more than happy to raise SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys). Perhaps if we take the pressure off our little boys now, and allow them some room to cry, they will be better equipped to express emotions as adults. They can reserve their punches for the punching bags.

What do you think about boys and crying? Have you felt the pressure to raise a "tough" boy?

Read EK members' responses and discuss in our Forums.